Son and DIL insulting vacation we paid for

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - personally I’d just ignore them. It is a pain to set up a beach rental and the first 24 hrs might just be them letting off steam. When we get together (4 kids and their families/parents) I find that it takes time to just settle into vacation/togetherness mode. Calling them out at beginning of week will create friction that will color the rest of the trip. It’s the rare rental that’s perfect anyway so I’d just ignore it and head out to beach. It’s nice of you to rent the place but maybe you’ll learn that you can add in option that your kids contribute X amount if you’re at your limit or suggests ways to order ahead and have delivered.

This

Just ignore it

Don’t create tension over it

Now that you point it out, I realize it’s rude, but I’m pretty sure my siblings and I complained, mostly in a joking way, about beach rentals my parents rented.

Next year, you can say, we can either rent this house for x dollars and we can cover the costs, or if you find a nicer house and can pay the difference, we can rent the nicer house.

[Anonymous]

When we decided to start a beach vacation, in order for grandparents to spend time with our kids, we were very very deliberate about saying we were going to get a house on the beach on these particular dates and we would welcome them to come if that worked. They have, and they contribute some toward the house, but we get the house, we set the agenda, we handle the food and other arrangements. Why? Because FIL while having a lot of $ is completely tight. When we first mentioned the beach, he started sending us links to studios with pull out couches and yoga mats for extra beds, 'because it's a great bargain, and only 2 miles from the beach!' We wanted oceanfront, no hassles, no extra bs. So we pay for it. We pay for things way beyond what he'd ever have the comfort level for. And it's worth every penny. You want things to your standards, you want things a certain way? Then you pay for it. You can't freeload and bit$h without being a jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My In-laws paid for us all to go to Disney. It was luxury accommodations, upgrades etc, cost a fortune. But for me it was miserable. I dont like crowds, heat and we had a 3yo who they took on a few rides but it was still parenting 24/7. They wanted us to be grateful and appreciative the whole time and I tried, but it was rough. I wouldn’t go on vacation with them again.

Disney with a 3 year old is no fun. Too young for many rides and still so little as to need constant babying. Much better to wait until 7+ years.

I had the time of my life taking my daughter to Disney when she was 3.

[Anonymous]

If I had a choice of paying for an entire week at the beach or cooking/groceries/meals out for a huge number of people. I would pay for the rental. If you had to feed 10 people at $30 a day each, that's $300 a day about $2100 + the labor.

[Anonymous]

The kids are contributing to groceries, not covering the entire cost.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My In-laws paid for us all to go to Disney. It was luxury accommodations, upgrades etc, cost a fortune. But for me it was miserable. I dont like crowds, heat and we had a 3yo who they took on a few rides but it was still parenting 24/7. They wanted us to be grateful and appreciative the whole time and I tried, but it was rough. I wouldn’t go on vacation with them again.

Disney with a 3 year old is no fun. Too young for many rides and still so little as to need constant babying. Much better to wait until 7+ years.

I had the time of my life taking my daughter to Disney when she was 3.

Me too! But even if it wasn’t the best vacation, you’d better believe I would put on a smile and express appreciation for my in laws who graciously paid for that vacation.

[Anonymous]

Maybe OP should just get a hotel room and ask if other people want to book their own rooms in the same hotel or another hotel for a week or a day. No one has to cook or clean or share a bathroom. You can eat some meals together or not. Meet up on the beach, arcade or the boardwalk. OP can babysit the kids so the parents can have some me time. I think it would be much more enjoyable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My In-laws paid for us all to go to Disney. It was luxury accommodations, upgrades etc, cost a fortune. But for me it was miserable. I dont like crowds, heat and we had a 3yo who they took on a few rides but it was still parenting 24/7. They wanted us to be grateful and appreciative the whole time and I tried, but it was rough. I wouldn’t go on vacation with them again.

Disney with a 3 year old is no fun. Too young for many rides and still so little as to need constant babying. Much better to wait until 7+ years.

I had the time of my life taking my daughter to Disney when she was 3.

Me too! But even if it wasn’t the best vacation, you’d better believe I would put on a smile and express appreciation for my in laws who graciously paid for that vacation.

Sometimes free isn't really free. We have so little vacation time, it's more precious than money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our son and DIL haven’t joined us for our annual beach house vacation since before COVID, so we were thrilled that the came along this year and brought their two boys. DH and I pay for the rental, which is several thousand. We think it’s a very nice house and location. Our kids and their spouses contribute groceries and meals.

The son/DIL who haven’t joined in years have been complaining nonstop, calling it a “trip” and saying things like “these curtains are so flimsy, we can’t sleep in the morning” and saying “anytime you have to make up the bed and bring your own toilet paper, it’s not a vacation, it’s a trip.” They some of it jokingly, but have real complaints and annoyances about the house. No rental is perfect, but what can you expect? Should we ask them to stop?

Meh. I kind of feel the same, about a beach "vacation" I don't care for - I don't say anything, and your DIL is rude to say anything, especially to your face. When we joined MIL, we were put in the last preference bedroom (bunks that smelled like dirty diapers - as DH pointed it out to me). DH never spoke up around his family, lest he be tarred and feathered (or at least passively aggressively abused, practically to his negligent parent's faces. The houses they rented were not very clean - so I got quite sick often (while on "vacation"), as I am immunocompromised.

To be honest, DH and I did not have a lot of vacation time to spare, so feeling like an afterthought was no fun, in general. Besides, his family dynamics are a little cringe (how DH is treated, so many decades later ie: since well before me).

So, ignore any criticisms and know that it DIL's complaining is probably about something else. Maybe you, MIL - maybe not.

But yeah, I agree that your DIL's complaints are petty and rude. Maybe she needs a MIL like mine!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My In-laws paid for us all to go to Disney. It was luxury accommodations, upgrades etc, cost a fortune. But for me it was miserable. I dont like crowds, heat and we had a 3yo who they took on a few rides but it was still parenting 24/7. They wanted us to be grateful and appreciative the whole time and I tried, but it was rough. I wouldn’t go on vacation with them again.

Disney with a 3 year old is no fun. Too young for many rides and still so little as to need constant babying. Much better to wait until 7+ years.

I had the time of my life taking my daughter to Disney when she was 3.

Me too! But even if it wasn’t the best vacation, you’d better believe I would put on a smile and express appreciation for my in laws who graciously paid for that vacation.

Sometimes free isn't really free. We have so little vacation time, it's more precious than money.

+1

Exactly this. You try to please the IL's by joining them - but really, you are damned if you do and damned if you don't - so why bother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe OP should just get a hotel room and ask if other people want to book their own rooms in the same hotel or another hotel for a week or a day. No one has to cook or clean or share a bathroom. You can eat some meals together or not. Meet up on the beach, arcade or the boardwalk. OP can babysit the kids so the parents can have some me time. I think it would be much more enjoyable.

+1

OP, do you spend time with your grandkids? PP here and my MIL did not. Rotten parents become rotten grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They’re clearly being rude but the sentiments are fine. We occasionally cave to intense pressure and guilt trips to go on a vacation my in laws pay for (at their insistence) to a place we don’t enjoy, staying in accommodations that they like but we would never choose. We would never say out loud what your son and dil do but the fact is we are there as a favor to them, using our precious vacation time and it in no way feels like vacation.

Say something if you like but be prepared for them to never join you again.

A more constructive approach might be discussing some type of rotating of who gets final say on family vacation plan-when it’s your year you pick beach, their year they can pick lake house if they prefer, etc.

+1

PP here and I totally agree with this. Consideration, all around! What a concept!

The "tradition" is being together at a place everyone enjoys - not some odd bragging rights that are less than.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you guilt and pressure them about coming on your beach vacation and then expect them to be grateful for it?
When I'm on PTO I'd like to have it be my choice or have some perks that makes it worth my while.
If your son doesn't want to visit you of his own volition, there's not much you can do about it. He's a jerk, but then, maybe so are you.

The choice is whether to come. The perk is free lodging. Ì mean....

When people say stuff like this to me I am direct that it is the best I can afford and I'm sorry it doesn't measure up to their standards. (Like if my parents and adult brother want to visit, we can put brother in the guest/tv room and my parents in our room and bunk with the kids or in the couch, but it's true that our 1500 Sq foot house doesn't offer the space or privacy of an empty airbnb home, or even their larger home with twice as many bedrooms. It is the house we could afford, take it or leave it.)

They have free lodging at home.
It comes down to whether or not they want to spend their free time with you.
Sounds like the son and DIL didn't really want to blow their free time on this trip. So back to the original point - could be a jerk son, or jerk parent or both as the apple usually doesn't fall far from the tree.

+1

Well said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Complaining is terrible hobby, usually picked up by dull people with not much else to talk about.. It's just like gossiping.

They both can be stopped but only if the people doing it realize how ugly they sound, and that it represents bad character.

If people are complaining, other people should listen, instead of telling them to stop complaining. OP can't tell people how to feel. She is shutting them down and telling them should feel differently. Don't complain, you should be grateful to spend your vacation time in a house with me - cooking and cleaning. I enjoy it, you should too.

It's called manners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like the parties can reasonably disagree on whether this is a “gift” vs an obligation. They’re contributing a lot of cash for groceries etc and it doesn’t sound like this is what they would likely pick for their own vacation.

So I think OP needs to drop the “gift” angle from the analysis.

So ignoring who’s paying for what or wants to be there or doesn’t want to be there……. Are the DH and his wifes comments rude in a vacuum? If this vacation cost each person exactly the same and there was no pressure on anyone to come, would these comments be inappropriate and unwanted? Or are they just observations?

They sound pretty innocuous to me, like if DH and I had booked a place just the two of us and the pots sucked, one of us would be like “whoa gonna be fun trying to cook dinner on these haha”. And no one would be offended. It sounds like OP is annoyed by the comments solely because she thinks they are indebted to her. And I don’t think the kids feel indebted to her.

+1

This. OP, ask yourself why its all about you. What exactly do the curtains, that you don't even own, have to do with you? I agree you think that the guests are indebted to you. You might want to ask yourself what your feelings are really about. You want SIL and your son to kiss your feet for what, exactly? Are they 12 years old?

It seems OP has some growing up to do. No one owes you a damn thing, OP. Either be grateful the family can be together, or don't - but it is not all about you.

In my MIL's case, the only one who can do right is her daughters - two of her sons aren't even interested in her beach week from hell. What does that tell you? Don't be MIL, OP.