When to tell kids the truth about their father’s adultery as reason for divorce

[Anonymous]

You know what doesn’t make a bad marriage better? Or bring any peace or sanity to a family? Being a lying cheater. Ask for a divorce and divorce in a sane manner, putting your kids first. Turning your family into a live action version of a Jerry Springer show helps nobody at all. If you are unhappy, work on the marriage or divorce. Don’t make everything a nightmare by cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As my grandparents would say, “it’s adult business”. There is no reason to share with kids.

Also, the men have no reason to stray if they are getting their sexual needs met at home. Just saying….

+1.

This very recently developed impulse to tell children every intimate detail of your adult life is so gross. Grow up and have some self respect.

“Just sayin’ “ is the cheating lady. Such a trashy expression. Adults that put their needs before their children. Then get caught and want everyone to keep their secrets. The truth is many kids find evidence themselves. By age 8/9, they know what’s going on. And teens, forget it. They are more tech savvy than their louse cheating parent.

That said, if the kids knew nothing, I would not tell them ever if I were reconciling. Ever.

If the cheating mom or dad was divorcing/leaving because of the affair, I wouldn’t directly say they were banging someone else. However, if they were older teens/adults and point blank asked because of high suspicion. I wouldn’t deny, but I wouldn’t give elaborate details. Teaching kids to hide secrets and lie is what comes of that.

The urge to tell to tell the kids comes from an ignoble and selfish motive - namely, the desire to punish the other parent and make the kids hate the other parent as much as you do. That’s not putting the kids first either. If it takes some degree of “dishonesty” and “secret keeping” to be effective coparents then that’s what you should do.

+1. Very few actual adults in this thread, but this PP is one of them. And note there is no excusing the cheating spouse or anything like that. The “original” fault is entirely beside the point.

Some of you really need to learn to compartmentalize your emotions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

There is zero excuse to cheat. Zero. If you were unhappy, you leave.


There is zero excuse to abuse someone. Spoken like someone who hasn’t been abused. Count your blessings that you don’t understand.

What you don’t seem to understand is trust cheating IS abuse. It’s an extreme form of emotional/psychological abuse. If you are trying to say that you were somehow justified in abusing your spouse because they abused you first, I’m sorry that you were raised to believe that two wrongs make a right. That an appropriate response to being abused is to also be an abuser. This is a cycle of dysfunctional behavior, and no amount of mental gymnastics will make it anything other than what it is.

Look, it isn’t like there can never be any redemption for cheaters. My teen just needed his dad to be able to say to him “looking back, I see how badly I hurt you/your mom, and I regret that. What I did was wrong and I really wish I could go back and handle things differently, but I can’t.” He just wanted confirmation that his dad is not a selfish jerk. His dad couldn’t say those words, just kept insisting that it was complicated and that a lot of things drove him to do what he did. While I’m sure in his head that is accurate, the kids don’t care about their sex lives or accidentally falling in love with someone else, etc. the kids want to know that their parents are decent humans. The kids don’t want to hear “I am aware of all the pain and devastation I caused, but I had a good reason for doing it.” That’s a non-apology. We teach our kids to acknowledge when they screw up, not try and justify why things weren’t their fault.

There is literally no excuse that a cheater can give that can’t be blown out of the water by the response “then you should have gotten divorced first.” Fact.

I’m sorry you were so hurt by someone who cheated on you. I agree that’s it’s also abuse. I never said I thought it was justified. It’s more that I was so broken that I also made terrible choices. 20 years of doing everything for another person and being emotionally belittled by them, sexually abused by them, and controlled can do that to a person. Unfortunately I didn’t understand why I was so desperate for attention and kindness until it was too late. I deeply regret that I couldn’t just leave the bad marriage—but I genuinely didn’t understand I was being abused. It took a lot and I wish it played out differently but life and all.

I actually want to tell my kids everything but it would be selfish at this point. They are too young to understand. When they are older, I will explain more to them. I’m raising them to be empathetic and critical thinkers. I trust they will understand love and mistakes and learning to become better because of it.

I can genuinely say I would never cheat again. I also will never be with someone again who treats me so poorly. Authenticity means everything to me after a lifetime of being what someone else needed and then losing myself in the process.

A cheater isn’t just bad and the person cheated on isn’t always just good. Truth is he broke our vows long before when he didn’t love or respect me as a person.

And he also does it to our kids now…. It sucks and is hard to watch. They don’t like being with him.

The most "normal" response to abuse that you describe is to try find a higher paying job, a new place to live, to move out from the abuser. It's not cheating. Cheating means you tried to solve your marital problems at the expense of your own time, your kids well-being. This is not a good choice. Hope you are now firmly on your feet and doing well

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

There is zero excuse to cheat. Zero. If you were unhappy, you leave.


There is zero excuse to abuse someone. Spoken like someone who hasn’t been abused. Count your blessings that you don’t understand.

What you don’t seem to understand is trust cheating IS abuse. It’s an extreme form of emotional/psychological abuse. If you are trying to say that you were somehow justified in abusing your spouse because they abused you first, I’m sorry that you were raised to believe that two wrongs make a right. That an appropriate response to being abused is to also be an abuser. This is a cycle of dysfunctional behavior, and no amount of mental gymnastics will make it anything other than what it is.

Look, it isn’t like there can never be any redemption for cheaters. My teen just needed his dad to be able to say to him “looking back, I see how badly I hurt you/your mom, and I regret that. What I did was wrong and I really wish I could go back and handle things differently, but I can’t.” He just wanted confirmation that his dad is not a selfish jerk. His dad couldn’t say those words, just kept insisting that it was complicated and that a lot of things drove him to do what he did. While I’m sure in his head that is accurate, the kids don’t care about their sex lives or accidentally falling in love with someone else, etc. the kids want to know that their parents are decent humans. The kids don’t want to hear “I am aware of all the pain and devastation I caused, but I had a good reason for doing it.” That’s a non-apology. We teach our kids to acknowledge when they screw up, not try and justify why things weren’t their fault.

There is literally no excuse that a cheater can give that can’t be blown out of the water by the response “then you should have gotten divorced first.” Fact.

I’m sorry you were so hurt by someone who cheated on you. I agree that’s it’s also abuse. I never said I thought it was justified. It’s more that I was so broken that I also made terrible choices. 20 years of doing everything for another person and being emotionally belittled by them, sexually abused by them, and controlled can do that to a person. Unfortunately I didn’t understand why I was so desperate for attention and kindness until it was too late. I deeply regret that I couldn’t just leave the bad marriage—but I genuinely didn’t understand I was being abused. It took a lot and I wish it played out differently but life and all.

I actually want to tell my kids everything but it would be selfish at this point. They are too young to understand. When they are older, I will explain more to them. I’m raising them to be empathetic and critical thinkers. I trust they will understand love and mistakes and learning to become better because of it.

I can genuinely say I would never cheat again. I also will never be with someone again who treats me so poorly. Authenticity means everything to me after a lifetime of being what someone else needed and then losing myself in the process.

A cheater isn’t just bad and the person cheated on isn’t always just good. Truth is he broke our vows long before when he didn’t love or respect me as a person.

And he also does it to our kids now…. It sucks and is hard to watch. They don’t like being with him.

+1. Could’ve written this myself. I started dating when in house separated from ex and still legally married. He has cast me as the cheating ho that broke up our marriage. Our kids know the time line of dating my new husband and they have accepted him. They also got to witness their father hit me, spit on me, berate me, and other forms of abuse. They have much less respect for their father (oldest doesn’t see him anymore). Kids know I got out due to their father. Younger child is counting the days until he can live with me full time.

You were cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As my grandparents would say, “it’s adult business”. There is no reason to share with kids.

Also, the men have no reason to stray if they are getting their sexual needs met at home. Just saying….

+1.

This very recently developed impulse to tell children every intimate detail of your adult life is so gross. Grow up and have some self respect.

“Just sayin’ “ is the cheating lady. Such a trashy expression. Adults that put their needs before their children. Then get caught and want everyone to keep their secrets. The truth is many kids find evidence themselves. By age 8/9, they know what’s going on. And teens, forget it. They are more tech savvy than their louse cheating parent.

That said, if the kids knew nothing, I would not tell them ever if I were reconciling. Ever.

If the cheating mom or dad was divorcing/leaving because of the affair, I wouldn’t directly say they were banging someone else. However, if they were older teens/adults and point blank asked because of high suspicion. I wouldn’t deny, but I wouldn’t give elaborate details. Teaching kids to hide secrets and lie is what comes of that.

The urge to tell to tell the kids comes from an ignoble and selfish motive - namely, the desire to punish the other parent and make the kids hate the other parent as much as you do. That’s not putting the kids first either. If it takes some degree of “dishonesty” and “secret keeping” to be effective coparents then that’s what you should do.

+1. Very few actual adults in this thread, but this PP is one of them. And note there is no excusing the cheating spouse or anything like that. The “original” fault is entirely beside the point.

Some of you really need to learn to compartmentalize your emotions.

It’s been my observation that People who cheat and get “caught” are extremely self absorbed and therefore lack the ability to compartmentalize. This is why they got caught.

The same inability to self absorption and inability compartmentalize is what leads to ineffective co-parenting post divorce.

If you divorce when the kids are fairly young there is a whole lot of time for the selfish parent to damage their kids with neglectful parenting. Do you think people with serious character flaws (lying, deception and betrayal) make good parents? Seriously people who hurt other people are capable god forbid of hurting their kids too.

Much better to be honest In age appropriate ways otherwise you are teaching your kids that it’s okay to let others treat you badly. Nope let them learn early and often that behavior has consequences.

Sometimes people do just grow apart if that is what happened be honest, but if dad lost his damn mind, sold the minivan and ran off with Trixie the pole dancer with a heart of gold, then they need to know that too. Better they hear it from you, than from cousin Lou, who heard it from Aunt Sally, who heard it from Dad’s confidant Uncle Joe.

Do you think people with these types of character flaws will suddenly become model parents lost divorce. Uh no they don’t. Sooner or later kids need to know and they should hear it from someone who best knows the unique circumstances that they will have to deal with over the years. Even worse than having your kids think you did something to cause dads crazy behavior is having them think they did. So repeat the truth as early and as often as you need to.

“Daddy has decided that made he likes ladies who wear latex underwear and dance on poles for money. Mommy has a latex allergy, and a sensitivity to nickel. So Daddy divorcing mommy and he is moving out so that he can live with the pole lady.”

Better to be honest, because they need you to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As my grandparents would say, “it’s adult business”. There is no reason to share with kids.

Also, the men have no reason to stray if they are getting their sexual needs met at home. Just saying….

+1.

This very recently developed impulse to tell children every intimate detail of your adult life is so gross. Grow up and have some self respect.

“Just sayin’ “ is the cheating lady. Such a trashy expression. Adults that put their needs before their children. Then get caught and want everyone to keep their secrets. The truth is many kids find evidence themselves. By age 8/9, they know what’s going on. And teens, forget it. They are more tech savvy than their louse cheating parent.

That said, if the kids knew nothing, I would not tell them ever if I were reconciling. Ever.

If the cheating mom or dad was divorcing/leaving because of the affair, I wouldn’t directly say they were banging someone else. However, if they were older teens/adults and point blank asked because of high suspicion. I wouldn’t deny, but I wouldn’t give elaborate details. Teaching kids to hide secrets and lie is what comes of that.

The urge to tell to tell the kids comes from an ignoble and selfish motive - namely, the desire to punish the other parent and make the kids hate the other parent as much as you do. That’s not putting the kids first either. If it takes some degree of “dishonesty” and “secret keeping” to be effective coparents then that’s what you should do.

+1. Very few actual adults in this thread, but this PP is one of them. And note there is no excusing the cheating spouse or anything like that. The “original” fault is entirely beside the point.

Some of you really need to learn to compartmentalize your emotions.

It’s been my observation that People who cheat and get “caught” are extremely self absorbed and therefore lack the ability to compartmentalize. This is why they got caught.

The same inability to self absorption and inability compartmentalize is what leads to ineffective co-parenting post divorce.

If you divorce when the kids are fairly young there is a whole lot of time for the selfish parent to damage their kids with neglectful parenting. Do you think people with serious character flaws (lying, deception and betrayal) make good parents? Seriously people who hurt other people are capable god forbid of hurting their kids too.

Much better to be honest In age appropriate ways otherwise you are teaching your kids that it’s okay to let others treat you badly. Nope let them learn early and often that behavior has consequences.

Sometimes people do just grow apart if that is what happened be honest, but if dad lost his damn mind, sold the minivan and ran off with Trixie the pole dancer with a heart of gold, then they need to know that too. Better they hear it from you, than from cousin Lou, who heard it from Aunt Sally, who heard it from Dad’s confidant Uncle Joe.

Do you think people with these types of character flaws will suddenly become model parents lost divorce. Uh no they don’t. Sooner or later kids need to know and they should hear it from someone who best knows the unique circumstances that they will have to deal with over the years. Even worse than having your kids think you did something to cause dads crazy behavior is having them think they did. So repeat the truth as early and as often as you need to.

“Daddy has decided that made he likes ladies who wear latex underwear and dance on poles for money. Mommy has a latex allergy, and a sensitivity to nickel. So Daddy divorcing mommy and he is moving out so that he can live with the pole lady.”

Better to be honest, because they need you to be.

You absolutely do not need to be "honest" in the sense of revealing every sordid detail in order to teach your kids that it's not okay to let others treat you badly. If you really think it's necessary to tell kids what you said in the bolded example then you are the one who is crazy btw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As my grandparents would say, “it’s adult business”. There is no reason to share with kids.

Also, the men have no reason to stray if they are getting their sexual needs met at home. Just saying….

+1.

This very recently developed impulse to tell children every intimate detail of your adult life is so gross. Grow up and have some self respect.

“Just sayin’ “ is the cheating lady. Such a trashy expression. Adults that put their needs before their children. Then get caught and want everyone to keep their secrets. The truth is many kids find evidence themselves. By age 8/9, they know what’s going on. And teens, forget it. They are more tech savvy than their louse cheating parent.

That said, if the kids knew nothing, I would not tell them ever if I were reconciling. Ever.

If the cheating mom or dad was divorcing/leaving because of the affair, I wouldn’t directly say they were banging someone else. However, if they were older teens/adults and point blank asked because of high suspicion. I wouldn’t deny, but I wouldn’t give elaborate details. Teaching kids to hide secrets and lie is what comes of that.

The urge to tell to tell the kids comes from an ignoble and selfish motive - namely, the desire to punish the other parent and make the kids hate the other parent as much as you do. That’s not putting the kids first either. If it takes some degree of “dishonesty” and “secret keeping” to be effective coparents then that’s what you should do.

+1. Very few actual adults in this thread, but this PP is one of them. And note there is no excusing the cheating spouse or anything like that. The “original” fault is entirely beside the point.

Some of you really need to learn to compartmentalize your emotions.

It’s been my observation that People who cheat and get “caught” are extremely self absorbed and therefore lack the ability to compartmentalize. This is why they got caught.

The same inability to self absorption and inability compartmentalize is what leads to ineffective co-parenting post divorce.

If you divorce when the kids are fairly young there is a whole lot of time for the selfish parent to damage their kids with neglectful parenting. Do you think people with serious character flaws (lying, deception and betrayal) make good parents? Seriously people who hurt other people are capable god forbid of hurting their kids too.

Much better to be honest In age appropriate ways otherwise you are teaching your kids that it’s okay to let others treat you badly. Nope let them learn early and often that behavior has consequences.

Sometimes people do just grow apart if that is what happened be honest, but if dad lost his damn mind, sold the minivan and ran off with Trixie the pole dancer with a heart of gold, then they need to know that too. Better they hear it from you, than from cousin Lou, who heard it from Aunt Sally, who heard it from Dad’s confidant Uncle Joe.

Do you think people with these types of character flaws will suddenly become model parents lost divorce. Uh no they don’t. Sooner or later kids need to know and they should hear it from someone who best knows the unique circumstances that they will have to deal with over the years. Even worse than having your kids think you did something to cause dads crazy behavior is having them think they did. So repeat the truth as early and as often as you need to.

“Daddy has decided that made he likes ladies who wear latex underwear and dance on poles for money. Mommy has a latex allergy, and a sensitivity to nickel. So Daddy divorcing mommy and he is moving out so that he can live with the pole lady.”

Better to be honest, because they need you to be.

You absolutely do not need to be "honest" in the sense of revealing every sordid detail in order to teach your kids that it's not okay to let others treat you badly. If you really think it's necessary to tell kids what you said in the bolded example then you are the one who is crazy btw.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As my grandparents would say, “it’s adult business”. There is no reason to share with kids.

Also, the men have no reason to stray if they are getting their sexual needs met at home. Just saying….

+1.

This very recently developed impulse to tell children every intimate detail of your adult life is so gross. Grow up and have some self respect.

“Just sayin’ “ is the cheating lady. Such a trashy expression. Adults that put their needs before their children. Then get caught and want everyone to keep their secrets. The truth is many kids find evidence themselves. By age 8/9, they know what’s going on. And teens, forget it. They are more tech savvy than their louse cheating parent.

That said, if the kids knew nothing, I would not tell them ever if I were reconciling. Ever.

If the cheating mom or dad was divorcing/leaving because of the affair, I wouldn’t directly say they were banging someone else. However, if they were older teens/adults and point blank asked because of high suspicion. I wouldn’t deny, but I wouldn’t give elaborate details. Teaching kids to hide secrets and lie is what comes of that.

The urge to tell to tell the kids comes from an ignoble and selfish motive - namely, the desire to punish the other parent and make the kids hate the other parent as much as you do. That’s not putting the kids first either. If it takes some degree of “dishonesty” and “secret keeping” to be effective coparents then that’s what you should do.

+1. Very few actual adults in this thread, but this PP is one of them. And note there is no excusing the cheating spouse or anything like that. The “original” fault is entirely beside the point.

Some of you really need to learn to compartmentalize your emotions.

It’s been my observation that People who cheat and get “caught” are extremely self absorbed and therefore lack the ability to compartmentalize. This is why they got caught.

The same inability to self absorption and inability compartmentalize is what leads to ineffective co-parenting post divorce.

If you divorce when the kids are fairly young there is a whole lot of time for the selfish parent to damage their kids with neglectful parenting. Do you think people with serious character flaws (lying, deception and betrayal) make good parents? Seriously people who hurt other people are capable god forbid of hurting their kids too.

Much better to be honest In age appropriate ways otherwise you are teaching your kids that it’s okay to let others treat you badly. Nope let them learn early and often that behavior has consequences.

Sometimes people do just grow apart if that is what happened be honest, but if dad lost his damn mind, sold the minivan and ran off with Trixie the pole dancer with a heart of gold, then they need to know that too. Better they hear it from you, than from cousin Lou, who heard it from Aunt Sally, who heard it from Dad’s confidant Uncle Joe.

Do you think people with these types of character flaws will suddenly become model parents lost divorce. Uh no they don’t. Sooner or later kids need to know and they should hear it from someone who best knows the unique circumstances that they will have to deal with over the years. Even worse than having your kids think you did something to cause dads crazy behavior is having them think they did. So repeat the truth as early and as often as you need to.

“Daddy has decided that made he likes ladies who wear latex underwear and dance on poles for money. Mommy has a latex allergy, and a sensitivity to nickel. So Daddy divorcing mommy and he is moving out so that he can live with the pole lady.”

Better to be honest, because they need you to be.

I’m sorry, what?

This is a very convoluted response… almost like you’re bringing a few metric tons of your own baggage to the conversation.

Anyway, yes, I do think a parent who has an affair is capable of being a fantastic parent. I can also teach my children right and wrong, and that it’s not OK to be dishonest and treat people poorly, without subjecting them to discussion of their parents’ sex lives and/or other rationales for divorce. Why are you people so thick?! That is not something that needs to be shared with the kids. “Mom and dad are getting divorced. Our relationship didn’t work out how we’d hoped. But we both love you all more than anything in the world, we’re still a family, and we are both committed to working together to give you all the best lives possible.” The end.

[Anonymous]

I would give some age appropriate version of "Dad fell out of love with mom (or vice versa) but loves you very much and we will find the best way to care for you. This has nothing to do with you." It would all absolutely sick but there is no reason to give any cheating more time than it already took from the family. Just move on as much as possible and focus on being there for the kids. Now if Dad actually abandoned the family then I'd fight for sole custody because kids don't need anyone coming and going, they need stability.

[Anonymous]

Somehow the betrayed parent who is actually there for the child/children (while the cheating parent is checked out and not even showing up for the child/children) is at fault for everything…it’s weird, this thread. It’s not about love/sex/romance, it’s about suddenly putting a new “partner” before your minor children. Just taking off and not notifying your family where you are or when you will be home? And leaving mom or dad to make up lies to cover for you? How is that ok, at all? The parent left at home has to take care of the household, the children, do their job to maintain finances, clean, cook, show the kids love and attention, take care of any pets, the yard work, help the kids with schooling/homework, any sports activities, etc, any number of things that comprise the lives of the children. The other parent just flees and suddenly it’s up to the sucker left at home to facilitate a good relationship with the cheater and the abandoned kids.

Newsflash: it’s up the the parent who is currently checked out to maintain a relationship with his or her kids. Love is not a noun, it’s a verb. Parents don’t get to check out of their kid’s lives and then check back in when they have time or decide they want to be there. Kids need parents all the time.

Since when does unhappiness in a marriage give someone a free pass to stop parenting whenever they want to hook up with a new person?

And then somehow the other parent is responsible for the relationship between the cheater and the kids being ok?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As my grandparents would say, “it’s adult business”. There is no reason to share with kids.

Also, the men have no reason to stray if they are getting their sexual needs met at home. Just saying….

+1.

This very recently developed impulse to tell children every intimate detail of your adult life is so gross. Grow up and have some self respect.

“Just sayin’ “ is the cheating lady. Such a trashy expression. Adults that put their needs before their children. Then get caught and want everyone to keep their secrets. The truth is many kids find evidence themselves. By age 8/9, they know what’s going on. And teens, forget it. They are more tech savvy than their louse cheating parent.

That said, if the kids knew nothing, I would not tell them ever if I were reconciling. Ever.

If the cheating mom or dad was divorcing/leaving because of the affair, I wouldn’t directly say they were banging someone else. However, if they were older teens/adults and point blank asked because of high suspicion. I wouldn’t deny, but I wouldn’t give elaborate details. Teaching kids to hide secrets and lie is what comes of that.

The urge to tell to tell the kids comes from an ignoble and selfish motive - namely, the desire to punish the other parent and make the kids hate the other parent as much as you do. That’s not putting the kids first either. If it takes some degree of “dishonesty” and “secret keeping” to be effective coparents then that’s what you should do.

+1. Very few actual adults in this thread, but this PP is one of them. And note there is no excusing the cheating spouse or anything like that. The “original” fault is entirely beside the point.

Some of you really need to learn to compartmentalize your emotions.

It’s been my observation that People who cheat and get “caught” are extremely self absorbed and therefore lack the ability to compartmentalize. This is why they got caught.

The same inability to self absorption and inability compartmentalize is what leads to ineffective co-parenting post divorce.

If you divorce when the kids are fairly young there is a whole lot of time for the selfish parent to damage their kids with neglectful parenting. Do you think people with serious character flaws (lying, deception and betrayal) make good parents? Seriously people who hurt other people are capable god forbid of hurting their kids too.

Much better to be honest In age appropriate ways otherwise you are teaching your kids that it’s okay to let others treat you badly. Nope let them learn early and often that behavior has consequences.

Sometimes people do just grow apart if that is what happened be honest, but if dad lost his damn mind, sold the minivan and ran off with Trixie the pole dancer with a heart of gold, then they need to know that too. Better they hear it from you, than from cousin Lou, who heard it from Aunt Sally, who heard it from Dad’s confidant Uncle Joe.

Do you think people with these types of character flaws will suddenly become model parents lost divorce. Uh no they don’t. Sooner or later kids need to know and they should hear it from someone who best knows the unique circumstances that they will have to deal with over the years. Even worse than having your kids think you did something to cause dads crazy behavior is having them think they did. So repeat the truth as early and as often as you need to.

“Daddy has decided that made he likes ladies who wear latex underwear and dance on poles for money. Mommy has a latex allergy, and a sensitivity to nickel. So Daddy divorcing mommy and he is moving out so that he can live with the pole lady.”

Better to be honest, because they need you to be.

I’m sorry, what?

This is a very convoluted response… almost like you’re bringing a few metric tons of your own baggage to the conversation.

Anyway, yes, I do think a parent who has an affair is capable of being a fantastic parent. I can also teach my children right and wrong, and that it’s not OK to be dishonest and treat people poorly, without subjecting them to discussion of their parents’ sex lives and/or other rationales for divorce. Why are you people so thick?! That is not something that needs to be shared with the kids. “Mom and dad are getting divorced. Our relationship didn’t work out how we’d hoped. But we both love you all more than anything in the world, we’re still a family, and we are both committed to working together to give you all the best lives possible.” The end.

If the parent having the affair isn’t even coming home from work or notifying the mom where he is and when he will be home, how is that being a “fantastic” parent? How is that being a good parent to your kids? Dad isn’t showing love or even caring what’s going on with his kids. They could have an accident, become ill, and mom couldn’t even contact this guy. He’s not doing anything to love or care for his kids. He’s not working with mom to give the kids anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As my grandparents would say, “it’s adult business”. There is no reason to share with kids.

Also, the men have no reason to stray if they are getting their sexual needs met at home. Just saying….

+1.

This very recently developed impulse to tell children every intimate detail of your adult life is so gross. Grow up and have some self respect.

“Just sayin’ “ is the cheating lady. Such a trashy expression. Adults that put their needs before their children. Then get caught and want everyone to keep their secrets. The truth is many kids find evidence themselves. By age 8/9, they know what’s going on. And teens, forget it. They are more tech savvy than their louse cheating parent.

That said, if the kids knew nothing, I would not tell them ever if I were reconciling. Ever.

If the cheating mom or dad was divorcing/leaving because of the affair, I wouldn’t directly say they were banging someone else. However, if they were older teens/adults and point blank asked because of high suspicion. I wouldn’t deny, but I wouldn’t give elaborate details. Teaching kids to hide secrets and lie is what comes of that.

The urge to tell to tell the kids comes from an ignoble and selfish motive - namely, the desire to punish the other parent and make the kids hate the other parent as much as you do. That’s not putting the kids first either. If it takes some degree of “dishonesty” and “secret keeping” to be effective coparents then that’s what you should do.

+1. Very few actual adults in this thread, but this PP is one of them. And note there is no excusing the cheating spouse or anything like that. The “original” fault is entirely beside the point.

Some of you really need to learn to compartmentalize your emotions.

It’s been my observation that People who cheat and get “caught” are extremely self absorbed and therefore lack the ability to compartmentalize. This is why they got caught.

The same inability to self absorption and inability compartmentalize is what leads to ineffective co-parenting post divorce.

If you divorce when the kids are fairly young there is a whole lot of time for the selfish parent to damage their kids with neglectful parenting. Do you think people with serious character flaws (lying, deception and betrayal) make good parents? Seriously people who hurt other people are capable god forbid of hurting their kids too.

Much better to be honest In age appropriate ways otherwise you are teaching your kids that it’s okay to let others treat you badly. Nope let them learn early and often that behavior has consequences.

Sometimes people do just grow apart if that is what happened be honest, but if dad lost his damn mind, sold the minivan and ran off with Trixie the pole dancer with a heart of gold, then they need to know that too. Better they hear it from you, than from cousin Lou, who heard it from Aunt Sally, who heard it from Dad’s confidant Uncle Joe.

Do you think people with these types of character flaws will suddenly become model parents lost divorce. Uh no they don’t. Sooner or later kids need to know and they should hear it from someone who best knows the unique circumstances that they will have to deal with over the years. Even worse than having your kids think you did something to cause dads crazy behavior is having them think they did. So repeat the truth as early and as often as you need to.

“Daddy has decided that made he likes ladies who wear latex underwear and dance on poles for money. Mommy has a latex allergy, and a sensitivity to nickel. So Daddy divorcing mommy and he is moving out so that he can live with the pole lady.”

Better to be honest, because they need you to be.

The problem is that your example of honesty is one version of the story.

Daddy's version could be: " When mommy and daddy married, they promised to play grown up games with each other often. Mummy no longer wants to play with daddy, and daddy is very lonely and sad. Daddy has begged mommy to play wiyh him, but mommy will not. So daddy found someone who wants to play with him, and you children are going to stay with mummy sometimes and stay with daddy sometimes because mommy and daddy love you both so much."

If you are dealing with a truly narcissistic spouse, this honesty thing will really mess up your children because you will have 2 completely different versions of the story.

I'd rather be the neutral parent who tells my kids that "sometimes marriages don't work out, but I love you very much, and I will do my best to make sure that you are fine. You can always count on me."

[Anonymous]

Gloating that your kids have a poor relationship with their dad and that you feel no remorse for cheating is really not a good look. Sounds like you should have left your first marriage AND waited to start dating until you were divorced. Both things can be true.


Wow, you really lack empathy. I hope your black and white outlook serves you well. There is so much more nuance in what’s written above but you selfishly focus in on the only point that matters to you. I would take my dad cheating on my mom 50000 times over than my dad beating my mom. God. Who wouldn’t??? Obviously both aren’t great but life is messy and things happen. Teach your kids to be human and recognize how to manage adversity without it defining them.

What a strange response. PP noted that the abused should have left. No one suggested that abuse is acceptable. PP pointed out that there was no zero sum game. As has been stated many times in this thread, the best response to an unacceptable marriage is to divorce, not to cheat.

I agree that the abused poster seemed almost proud that her kids were “siding” with her and refusing a relationship with their father, and that’s sad for her kids.

[Anonymous]

Better to be honest, because they need you to be.

They don’t need to be caught in the middle of your battle to the death with your ex. They don’t even need you to be pointing out that other person’s very real flaws. You’re doing that for you, not them.

[Anonymous]

I didn’t have to tell them, they found out mom was cheating when it came home to our house.

She always was selfish. We just didn’t realize how far that went. Fortunately, my kids only had a year/2 years left before college.

She tried some spin and I think succeeded in them believing her BS, but I think deep down they know she was cheating. It’s easier to believe her lies for them.