Offended over hand-me-downs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone isn’t a “hand me down” type. Some insist on new things for a “new child”. To each their own.

Why do you think she is insecure, because she won’t accept your scraps?

Yeah, I'm not a Goodwill person. I just can't do it. I'm okay with hand-me-downs from people I know. OP, you should have offered before you boxed them up and presumed she'd want them. Maybe she hates the styles you pick out. Maybe you're a smoker or have a cat and she's allergic. Who knows? But you should have offered before bringing the box, and you have no reason to be offended she didn't want them.

I can’t do it either. A college friend LOVES to shop at thrift stores, garage sales and charity rummage sales. She is constantly buying for other people: her family, friends, and sometimes me. Her house has become very cluttered. I am not a collector of household items nor do I like secondhand clothing unless they are a family heirloom or of cultural significance (I am multicultural). I stopped exchanging gifts with her when I saw that they all were from garage sales. Her mother (middle class) always bought her new clothing and kept a nice home so this is not something she grew up around. She has been through several losses so I think that may be contributing to her reluctance to let used items “go to waste”.

Or she saw how much money her mother wasted and didn't want that for herself. As if you have to buy all new to have "a nice home."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you know if her family struggled when she was young? My MIL grew up in rural WV and had very little when she was young and she hates that I do thread-up, consignment, and hand-me-downs for my kids. Everyone is different.

Many people that grew up extremely poor want only "new" clothes for their kids.

Or people like new stuff for their families.

It's definitely a class tell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've learned from reading this board that people can be offended by anything. I didn't need hand-me-downs, but was given some by a few people and was touched that they were thinking about me and my child.

Was one of them, by chance, your SIL because OP was clearly bashing her SIL and it would be nice to hear a nice SIL story.

No, but my SIL shared some of her maternity clothes with me and I did the same for her.

[Anonymous]

Since Op has offered no details -- clearly the bigger message is: Op chose to believe that her SIL was offended.

[Anonymous]

I believe in reuse and I shop consignment stores for kids stuff but NOTHING irritates me like someone handing me a huge box of their crap. That’s not a gift, it’s you using me as your declutter mechanism!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you know if her family struggled when she was young? My MIL grew up in rural WV and had very little when she was young and she hates that I do thread-up, consignment, and hand-me-downs for my kids. Everyone is different.

Many people that grew up extremely poor want only "new" clothes for their kids.

Or people like new stuff for their families.

It's definitely a class tell.

I grew up very UMC, with fully paid for private high school, college, and medical school from my parents. And I loved buying new baby clothes for my kids. LOVED it. I do, however, hand them down in lovely condition to a friend with younger kids who prefers hand me downs. For me, it's not a "class tell", it's just that I love buying new clothes for my babies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you know if her family struggled when she was young? My MIL grew up in rural WV and had very little when she was young and she hates that I do thread-up, consignment, and hand-me-downs for my kids. Everyone is different.

Many people that grew up extremely poor want only "new" clothes for their kids.

Or people like new stuff for their families.

It's definitely a class tell.

I grew up very UMC, with fully paid for private high school, college, and medical school from my parents. And I loved buying new baby clothes for my kids. LOVED it. I do, however, hand them down in lovely condition to a friend with younger kids who prefers hand me downs. For me, it's not a "class tell", it's just that I love buying new clothes for my babies.

+1. One of the pleasures of motherhood is to shop for your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I believe in reuse and I shop consignment stores for kids stuff but NOTHING irritates me like someone handing me a huge box of their crap. That’s not a gift, it’s you using me as your declutter mechanism!

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since Op has offered no details -- clearly the bigger message is: Op chose to believe that her SIL was offended.

I suspect this is the same OP that has been starting anti-SIL threads and never returning to provide useful information or comments. We’re on to you, OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone isn’t a “hand me down” type. Some insist on new things for a “new child”. To each their own.

Why do you think she is insecure, because she won’t accept your scraps?

Yeah, I'm not a Goodwill person. I just can't do it. I'm okay with hand-me-downs from people I know. OP, you should have offered before you boxed them up and presumed she'd want them. Maybe she hates the styles you pick out. Maybe you're a smoker or have a cat and she's allergic. Who knows? But you should have offered before bringing the box, and you have no reason to be offended she didn't want them.

I can’t do it either. A college friend LOVES to shop at thrift stores, garage sales and charity rummage sales. She is constantly buying for other people: her family, friends, and sometimes me. Her house has become very cluttered. I am not a collector of household items nor do I like secondhand clothing unless they are a family heirloom or of cultural significance (I am multicultural). I stopped exchanging gifts with her when I saw that they all were from garage sales. Her mother (middle class) always bought her new clothing and kept a nice home so this is not something she grew up around. She has been through several losses so I think that may be contributing to her reluctance to let used items “go to waste”.

Or she saw how much money her mother wasted and didn't want that for herself. As if you have to buy all new to have "a nice home."

Nope, she buys new things but she loves the “treasure hunt”. Her DH and kids hate all the clutter her hobby creates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Since Op has offered no details -- clearly the bigger message is: Op chose to believe that her SIL was offended.

I suspect this is the same OP that has been starting anti-SIL threads and never returning to provide useful information or comments. We’re on to you, OP!

OP here. This was actually my first post about anything pertaining to someone, I didn’t have a chance to read most of the reply’s until now.

To add more info:

I certainly wasn’t dumping scraps on her, in fact, I had a box of things to donate and a box of nicer items I wanted to pass down. High end children's clothing.

How I knew she was offended was I mentioned to her, “I have a box of girls size 4 clothes in the car, do you want them for (her daughters name), they are all in great condition and from x, x, x.” She declined and said, “we are good.” She rolled her eyes but I let it go. I said, “that’s fine, I can give them to (other friend) or donate them. I need to go to goodwill anyways.” That was the very short, polite, interaction. We then hugged goodbye. We normally get along very well.

Later that evening I got a text that said along the lines of “just so you know, we don’t need your hand me downs and we have plenty of clothes for our own kids” I replied “I never was suggesting that was not the case. I have always been happy to accept hand me downs from friends. Message received.” She replied another snarky remark along the lines of it was a rude offer and her family doesn’t do that. I didn’t reply.

[Anonymous]

SIL is weird and has her own issues with manners. Even a shitty gift should be received with some gratitude and humility.

However, this is unquestionably a shitty gift. No one wants your used junk. Especially clothes for young children. Gross.

[Anonymous]

Yikes OP there are some weird PP's that keep insisting that you were trying to pass off your junk, when you clearly were not.
You made an offer, and passing on kids clothes is so common that many of us have grown to expect it, and certainly appreciate it.
It's so strange that your SIL was offended, when a simple 'no thanks' is all she should have said.
Personally, Id steer clear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yikes OP there are some weird PP's that keep insisting that you were trying to pass off your junk, when you clearly were not.
You made an offer, and passing on kids clothes is so common that many of us have grown to expect it, and certainly appreciate it.
It's so strange that your SIL was offended, when a simple 'no thanks' is all she should have said.
Personally, Id steer clear.

You certainly don’t sound like OP…

“Gifting” people used clothes that were never requested is inconsiderate trashy behavior. You want my gently used underwear? How about a t-shirt from 6 years ago that my kid threw up on? Maybe I can interest you a pair of overalls, lightly peed in once at an amusement park but thoroughly washed since then?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SIL is weird and has her own issues with manners. Even a shitty gift should be received with some gratitude and humility.

However, this is unquestionably a shitty gift. No one wants your used junk. Especially clothes for young children. Gross.

It's not a gift. It's someone cleaning out their closet and hoping you'll do them a favor and take the cast offs. I'm not against hand me downs, but only up to a certain age. It's fine for infant clothing because babies go through them so quickly. By 4, that stuff has been washed and reworn multiple times and it shows. It doesn't matter where the clothes came from.