Offended over hand-me-downs
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
I brought my SIL a box of tons of very nice hand-me-downs for her 4yr daughter. (J. Crew Cuts, Janie and Jack, Nordstrom, and some from Target)
I casually mentioned that I had a ton of clothes for her in our car when I saw her at a family cookout and that I could give the box to her on our way out. She was offended... I seriously can't believe this. I grew up well off yet we still had hand-me-downs go through multiple cousins. I have always accepted hand-me-downs from friends with gratitude. I am really annoyed with her for being so sensitive and insecure. Am I in the wrong here? She could've just said they didn't need more clothes and I would have been happy to donate them or give them to someone else. My intentions were clearly kind. How could someone get offended over this? |
Anonymous
| I could see how someone could be offended. |
Anonymous
|
Why didn’t you ask her if she was open to it before packing them up in the car?
Perhaps the assumption bothers her more than anything else. Has she ever even asked for this or mentioned needing clothes? |
Anonymous
| What did she say? How do you know she was offended? |
Anonymous
Offended? Sensitive? Insecure? Hard to tell without knowing what she really said. |
Anonymous
Why didn’t you reach out to her to see if she was interested in them before you boxed them up and brought them to the cookout? |
Anonymous
|
Was this the first time you gave her hand me downs? I assume no if he kid is 4.
Shake it off, and don't offer again. I would not be offended, but everyone is different. |
Anonymous
| I think it was presumptuous to phrase it that way, if you did. To assume she wanted them and to declare you were going to give them to her on your way out since you’d brought them along , without asking. I personally do not like clutter and I’d be annoyed if someone showed up with a box of ANYTHING for me without asking me if I actually wanted it first. That being said , if she responded rudely then she was rude, she should have thanked you and let the box sit in the garage until she made a trip to goodwill. |
Anonymous
|
What exactly did she say? Unless she said she was offended, how do you know?
Why are you calling her insecure? |
Anonymous
|
Casually mentioned? I don’t believe it.
Sounds like she didn’t ask for it and you’re trying to dump your junk on her. |
Anonymous
|
What did she say or do, OP?
I often don't need the hand-me-downs that friends give me for my daughter, but I don't like to refuse. She usually picks a few she likes and I pack up the rest and give it to Goodwill. |
Anonymous
| Your intentions were “clearly kind” … Apparently not. |
Anonymous
| You have to ask before boxing up. I distinctly recall making the offer to my SIL for some clothes after she complained about the cost of dressing her young girls. And with my boys, I ask my sister because she has a 2yo. You gotta ask. |
Anonymous
|
Everyone isn’t a “hand me down” type. Some insist on new things for a “new child”. To each their own.
Why do you think she is insecure, because she won’t accept your scraps? |
Anonymous
Exactly. I love hand me downs bc there are usually some gems and it’s easy to donate the rest. But my SIL hates hand me downs and always deflects (I have had DH check). Usually she gives some non committal answer like she has to check with her husband before accepting them (?!). So I’ve stopped asking. |