I met with a divorce attorney today... Surprised...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is not realistic to stay in the house. Get a new attorney.
A judge will likely force a sale of the house.

Can you afford the house payment with the alimony payment? Highly unlikey.

Np

Yes w child support, it’s to preserve the quality of life for the children. Ditto for private school. All in the budget.

Money doesn't magically appear just so everything can remain exactly the same. OP said her husband brings in 160k and HALF of his take-home pay already goes toward the mortgage. There simply is not enough money to continue to pay the mortgage AND to support another residence, even if it's just a cheap apartment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP.


Just in case it hasn't sunk in, divorce is financially the worst decision a middle class person can make. So unless you believe you can marry richer, become yourself a high earner, or win the lottery...

Of course, if he's abusive, that's another story.

This. OP, make sure it’s worth it. You’ll be working a FT job, will lose your family home, and will spend a lot to lose it.

OP here. I could marry someone with a similar income to DH. He is abusive. I've been with him since I was 22. My family home is new to me. I am not attached to it. You can't put a price on peace. My husband is controlling about so many aspects of my life, even the clothes I wear. I am Muslim. I don't wear a hijab. I didn't learn how to be assertive from my family. He doesn't help out at home or hire help. My job never stops. I am scared of what I might do if I don't get out. I imagine running away from my family. I have a lot of rage. It's not a good situation.

I am sorry you are going through this. PLEASE don’t even think about the possibility of marrying someone with a similar income as your husband who will be good to you and your kids. That kind of man is very very hard to find. Think realistically. You are the mother of 2 young children, and your earning potential is limited. Most desirable men (earning/good partner) are not even going to give you a second look.
You need to focus the most on making your current situation bearable while increasing your earning power.
You will be in a much better situation once you have a stable career. Meanwhile, your kids will get older and not require expensive childcare, and the equity in your home will increase so that when you do divorce, you will have some equity and be able to purchase a smaller home for yourself and your kids.

I know it goes without saying, but don’t get pregnant again.
Make your career a priority.
You do not need to hire help. My ex never did either. We survived.

This. OP, you aren’t going to find anyone better to support you and your two kids. It’s harsh, but the truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP.


Just in case it hasn't sunk in, divorce is financially the worst decision a middle class person can make. So unless you believe you can marry richer, become yourself a high earner, or win the lottery...

Of course, if he's abusive, that's another story.

This. OP, make sure it’s worth it. You’ll be working a FT job, will lose your family home, and will spend a lot to lose it.

OP here. I could marry someone with a similar income to DH. He is abusive. I've been with him since I was 22. My family home is new to me. I am not attached to it. You can't put a price on peace. My husband is controlling about so many aspects of my life, even the clothes I wear. I am Muslim. I don't wear a hijab. I didn't learn how to be assertive from my family. He doesn't help out at home or hire help. My job never stops. I am scared of what I might do if I don't get out. I imagine running away from my family. I have a lot of rage. It's not a good situation.

I am sorry you are going through this. PLEASE don’t even think about the possibility of marrying someone with a similar income as your husband who will be good to you and your kids. That kind of man is very very hard to find. Think realistically. You are the mother of 2 young children, and your earning potential is limited. Most desirable men (earning/good partner) are not even going to give you a second look.
You need to focus the most on making your current situation bearable while increasing your earning power.
You will be in a much better situation once you have a stable career. Meanwhile, your kids will get older and not require expensive childcare, and the equity in your home will increase so that when you do divorce, you will have some equity and be able to purchase a smaller home for yourself and your kids.

I know it goes without saying, but don’t get pregnant again.
Make your career a priority.
You do not need to hire help. My ex never did either. We survived.

ETA what kind of abuse? What is he doing, specifically?

[Anonymous]

I live in PA but am barred in another state. Regardless, I never practiced family law so would not give you any type of legal advice. Please find a family law attorney in PA for a real consult who can explain PA law to you.

You seem focused on remarrying and that may be a trigger point for your dh (if you mention it to him as often as you mention it here). IMHO, the reason for leaving should be the abuse - period. Once you are divorced, what you do is none of his business.

You may or may not remarry. You have to be able to support you and your kids on your salary and child support. Alimony may help you while you are finishing school until you are employed in your field (one more reason for that consult with a PA attorney). But you will not be making 160,000 on a social worker’s salary plus child support. Plus, I have absolutely no idea how child support works when there is 50/50 custody (which is typically the default - again check with the attorney).

Good luck and report back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I live in PA but am barred in another state. Regardless, I never practiced family law so would not give you any type of legal advice. Please find a family law attorney in PA for a real consult who can explain PA law to you.

You seem focused on remarrying and that may be a trigger point for your dh (if you mention it to him as often as you mention it here). IMHO, the reason for leaving should be the abuse - period. Once you are divorced, what you do is none of his business.

You may or may not remarry. You have to be able to support you and your kids on your salary and child support. Alimony may help you while you are finishing school until you are employed in your field (one more reason for that consult with a PA attorney). But you will not be making 160,000 on a social worker’s salary plus child support. Plus, I have absolutely no idea how child support works when there is 50/50 custody (which is typically the default - again check with the attorney).

Good luck and report back.

Right. She’s all about the free ride.

[Anonymous]

OP, please study something besides social work. You need to be realistic about preparing to support yourself and your kids long term. What about nursing or an allied medical profession like radiology tech?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, please study something besides social work. You need to be realistic about preparing to support yourself and your kids long term. What about nursing or an allied medical profession like radiology tech?

She doesn’t need to worry about income. Her exhusband will pay for her to continue living in the family house and send monthly alimony checks. LOL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, please study something besides social work. You need to be realistic about preparing to support yourself and your kids long term. What about nursing or an allied medical profession like radiology tech?

She doesn’t need to worry about income. Her exhusband will pay for her to continue living in the family house and send monthly alimony checks. LOL.

Why would you "LOL" at someone who is suffering abuse and trying to figure out her best way out? If she got bad advice, you can explain that kindly, without laughing at her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, please study something besides social work. You need to be realistic about preparing to support yourself and your kids long term. What about nursing or an allied medical profession like radiology tech?

She doesn’t need to worry about income. Her exhusband will pay for her to continue living in the family house and send monthly alimony checks. LOL.

Why would you "LOL" at someone who is suffering abuse and trying to figure out her best way out? If she got bad advice, you can explain that kindly, without laughing at her.

Because she’s likely not suffering from abuse. No one suffering from legit abuse would be talking about dating and remarrying. She likely has fights with her husband and is unhappy. That’s all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, please study something besides social work. You need to be realistic about preparing to support yourself and your kids long term. What about nursing or an allied medical profession like radiology tech?

She doesn’t need to worry about income. Her exhusband will pay for her to continue living in the family house and send monthly alimony checks. LOL.

Why would you "LOL" at someone who is suffering abuse and trying to figure out her best way out? If she got bad advice, you can explain that kindly, without laughing at her.

Because she’s likely not suffering from abuse. No one suffering from legit abuse would be talking about dating and remarrying. She likely has fights with her husband and is unhappy. That’s all.

Agree with this. The word "abuse" gets thrown around a lot, especially "mental abuse." Often, a dysfunctional or unpleasant relationship/interactions may be just that but don't rise to "abuse." You want abuse, go to a women's shelter and talk to actual victims. An angry husband who is miserable to live with sucks but it probably doesn't rise to the threshold of "abuse."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, please study something besides social work. You need to be realistic about preparing to support yourself and your kids long term. What about nursing or an allied medical profession like radiology tech?

She doesn’t need to worry about income. Her exhusband will pay for her to continue living in the family house and send monthly alimony checks. LOL.

Why would you "LOL" at someone who is suffering abuse and trying to figure out her best way out? If she got bad advice, you can explain that kindly, without laughing at her.

Because she’s likely not suffering from abuse. No one suffering from legit abuse would be talking about dating and remarrying. She likely has fights with her husband and is unhappy. That’s all.

This is a weird thing to say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, please study something besides social work. You need to be realistic about preparing to support yourself and your kids long term. What about nursing or an allied medical profession like radiology tech?

+1 NOT social work. It doesn’t pay well and the burnout rate is high.

Look into health care, nursing, possibly some kind of IT certification.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, please study something besides social work. You need to be realistic about preparing to support yourself and your kids long term. What about nursing or an allied medical profession like radiology tech?

She doesn’t need to worry about income. Her exhusband will pay for her to continue living in the family house and send monthly alimony checks. LOL.

Why would you "LOL" at someone who is suffering abuse and trying to figure out her best way out? If she got bad advice, you can explain that kindly, without laughing at her.

Because she’s likely not suffering from abuse. No one suffering from legit abuse would be talking about dating and remarrying. She likely has fights with her husband and is unhappy. That’s all.

This is a weird thing to say.

DP. Is it, though??
After I got out of terrible marriage, the last thing I wanted was another man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, please study something besides social work. You need to be realistic about preparing to support yourself and your kids long term. What about nursing or an allied medical profession like radiology tech?

She doesn’t need to worry about income. Her exhusband will pay for her to continue living in the family house and send monthly alimony checks. LOL.

Why would you "LOL" at someone who is suffering abuse and trying to figure out her best way out? If she got bad advice, you can explain that kindly, without laughing at her.

Because she’s likely not suffering from abuse. No one suffering from legit abuse would be talking about dating and remarrying. She likely has fights with her husband and is unhappy. That’s all.

This is a weird thing to say.

DP. Is it, though??
After I got out of terrible marriage, the last thing I wanted was another man.

+1

[Anonymous]

Get the divorce, if you can stay with family until you get on your feet then do that. Don't count on money from your husband to be able to support you and your kids. If he loses his job, then what? Count YOUR money, not his. Once you are divorced think of yourself as a single mom. The majority of the time ex-husbands suddenly have a hard time fitting in time with the kids. It happens alllllll the time. Even if he pays child support they will primarily be your responsibility. BTDT. It is what it is.