I met with a divorce attorney today... Surprised...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP.


Just in case it hasn't sunk in, divorce is financially the worst decision a middle class person can make. So unless you believe you can marry richer, become yourself a high earner, or win the lottery...

Of course, if he's abusive, that's another story.

This. OP, make sure it’s worth it. You’ll be working a FT job, will lose your family home, and will spend a lot to lose it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whether you can get alimony depends upon the laws of the state where you reside. We don't know which state and it's unlikely that any of the posters answering your question is a practicing divorce attorney in the state where you live. So, don't follow the advice. That said...

In some states, it is not unheard of for the judge to allow the primary caretaker to remain in the home until the youngest child is 18, with the non-custodial parent having to pay part of all of the mortgage. When the youngest child is 18, the house is sold and the proceeds are distributed. In some cases, if one parent paid the entire mortgage, that parent would get the house at that point. This is really state specific.

Mediation is fine as long as you know EXACTLY what the law is before you enter into negotiations. In many states, there is a formula for child support and alimony. Know how much you are entitled to before entering mediation. Don't let your spouse know what you actually want before mediating. Be careful about telling the mediator too much too. For example, if you are entitled to stay in your home under your state law but don't really care about moving, don't say that upfront. Let your H and HIS attorney think you really want to. Then he's more likely to offer other things like more child support, alimony, paying for medical expenses, etc. to get you to move.

Also, your kids are young, but check out how much, if anything, their father will be required to pay towards college under your state law. That too varies enormously.

Virginia divorce here. My ex was ordered to pay the mortgage until the divorce was final which was roughly about a year. Also, Virginia child support stops at 18, nothing paid towards college by law.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I have BTDT.
How about getting a better job, once that is FT, that will give you more time out of the house and a higher income to pay for additional childcare?
Disengage from him. Unless you or your child are in danger, focus now on getting your ducks in a row. Go and do whatever you need to do to get yourself financially in shape. Do not expect alimony to solve everything. There is no way you can currently afford the house, even with alimony, because it likely won’t be that much.

I'm afraid I have to disagree if she gets a job shed gives up alimony. She spent years supporting her husband while he bettered himself. Don't give that up.

She will be told by a judge to get a job and a job would probably fetch more than alimony payments.

She can have both. OP, if you're still here, insist on FT childcare. Your husband can afford ot with 160k. Do that so you can focus on college.

She would be expected to contribute to child care too. There's no "insisting" on anything. That's not how things work.

Says who? He had free childcare while he was in school. She should have the same.

That's not how this works at all.

[Anonymous]

Op, I get it. I have considered divorce many times. There is no abuse but a lot of arguing in this house. I know I would be happier not married to Dh but I stay for the kids. There are good days and bad days. Today is a good day.

You need to be realistic. Even if you get some alimony and child support, it will not be enough to stay in your house. You will have to downsize or live with family. There is no way you can pay for the mortgage unless you get a full time job. With a retail job and being a student, it looks like you will be racking up a lot of debt.

My friend who got divorced moved in with her parents. She was also in school. With the money she collects, she buys food, pays for gas, clothing, etc. it is not enough for rent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is not realistic to stay in the house. Get a new attorney.
A judge will likely force a sale of the house.

Can you afford the house payment with the alimony payment? Highly unlikey.

Np

Yes w child support, it’s to preserve the quality of life for the children. Ditto for private school. All in the budget.

[Anonymous]

Op's situation sounds pretty terrible...living in an emotionally abusive situation vs trying to strike out on her own with limited financial earning power and the prospect of seeing the kids part time and exposing them to her ex without her being there to protect them...if he is also abusive towards them. Breaking free from him will be expensive and/or super stressful for a very prolonged period. Not sure how much money/support she can really count on getting from him. If I were her, I'd try and stay and get the best job/career lined up and have a solid exit plan while doing whatever necessary to make living with him tolerable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is not realistic to stay in the house. Get a new attorney.
A judge will likely force a sale of the house.

Can you afford the house payment with the alimony payment? Highly unlikey.

Np

Yes w child support, it’s to preserve the quality of life for the children. Ditto for private school. All in the budget.

It’s to avoid huge disruptions which I think Is a little different than maintaining a certain standard. I know of lot of women who chose to stay at home and raise children think happens when it doesn’t work out it real life, but courts routinely view divorce as no fault and don’t award alimony (or not for long at all).

[Anonymous]

Have you seen Maid on Netflix? That’s about to be you. I would start stashing money away and make a plan for a living situation you can afford. You may need to put school on hold.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you seen Maid on Netflix? That’s about to be you. I would start stashing money away and make a plan for a living situation you can afford. You may need to put school on hold.

She has a scholarship, and until one year ago, they were living in an apartment. It's hardly going to be a lifestyle change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP.


Just in case it hasn't sunk in, divorce is financially the worst decision a middle class person can make. So unless you believe you can marry richer, become yourself a high earner, or win the lottery...

Of course, if he's abusive, that's another story.

This. OP, make sure it’s worth it. You’ll be working a FT job, will lose your family home, and will spend a lot to lose it.

OP here. I could marry someone with a similar income to DH. He is abusive. I've been with him since I was 22. My family home is new to me. I am not attached to it. You can't put a price on peace. My husband is controlling about so many aspects of my life, even the clothes I wear. I am Muslim. I don't wear a hijab. I didn't learn how to be assertive from my family. He doesn't help out at home or hire help. My job never stops. I am scared of what I might do if I don't get out. I imagine running away from my family. I have a lot of rage. It's not a good situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is not realistic to stay in the house. Get a new attorney.
A judge will likely force a sale of the house.

Can you afford the house payment with the alimony payment? Highly unlikey.

Np

Yes w child support, it’s to preserve the quality of life for the children. Ditto for private school. All in the budget.

Even with child support and alimony, she cannot afford it. They can barely afford it married. You cannot afford to keep the same lifestyle divorced as married in his income.

[Anonymous]

OP, the right question is not whether you can afford the mortgage but whether you can afford a 1-2 br apt in your area--ideally similar ot where you lived before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP.


Just in case it hasn't sunk in, divorce is financially the worst decision a middle class person can make. So unless you believe you can marry richer, become yourself a high earner, or win the lottery...

Of course, if he's abusive, that's another story.

This. OP, make sure it’s worth it. You’ll be working a FT job, will lose your family home, and will spend a lot to lose it.

OP here. I could marry someone with a similar income to DH. He is abusive. I've been with him since I was 22. My family home is new to me. I am not attached to it. You can't put a price on peace. My husband is controlling about so many aspects of my life, even the clothes I wear. I am Muslim. I don't wear a hijab. I didn't learn how to be assertive from my family. He doesn't help out at home or hire help. My job never stops. I am scared of what I might do if I don't get out. I imagine running away from my family. I have a lot of rage. It's not a good situation.

I'm so sorry you're in this position. I hope your divorce process is as smooth as possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is not realistic to stay in the house. Get a new attorney.
A judge will likely force a sale of the house.

Can you afford the house payment with the alimony payment? Highly unlikey.

This. Your husband has to pay taxes in his $160k and you will have to pay taxes on your alimony. No way you can stay in the house unless it’s a very very cheap house.

You don’t pay taxes on alimony. It was already taxed, it can’t be taxed again, same as child support.

You pay taxes on alimony, not child support.

Wrong. Not since 2019. The law changed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP.


Just in case it hasn't sunk in, divorce is financially the worst decision a middle class person can make. So unless you believe you can marry richer, become yourself a high earner, or win the lottery...

Of course, if he's abusive, that's another story.

This. OP, make sure it’s worth it. You’ll be working a FT job, will lose your family home, and will spend a lot to lose it.

OP here. I could marry someone with a similar income to DH. He is abusive. I've been with him since I was 22. My family home is new to me. I am not attached to it. You can't put a price on peace. My husband is controlling about so many aspects of my life, even the clothes I wear. I am Muslim. I don't wear a hijab. I didn't learn how to be assertive from my family. He doesn't help out at home or hire help. My job never stops. I am scared of what I might do if I don't get out. I imagine running away from my family. I have a lot of rage. It's not a good situation.

I am sorry you are going through this. PLEASE don’t even think about the possibility of marrying someone with a similar income as your husband who will be good to you and your kids. That kind of man is very very hard to find. Think realistically. You are the mother of 2 young children, and your earning potential is limited. Most desirable men (earning/good partner) are not even going to give you a second look.
You need to focus the most on making your current situation bearable while increasing your earning power.
You will be in a much better situation once you have a stable career. Meanwhile, your kids will get older and not require expensive childcare, and the equity in your home will increase so that when you do divorce, you will have some equity and be able to purchase a smaller home for yourself and your kids.

I know it goes without saying, but don’t get pregnant again.
Make your career a priority.
You do not need to hire help. My ex never did either. We survived.