I met with a divorce attorney today... Surprised...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is not realistic to stay in the house. Get a new attorney.
A judge will likely force a sale of the house.

Can you afford the house payment with the alimony payment? Highly unlikey.

This. Your husband has to pay taxes in his $160k and you will have to pay taxes on your alimony. No way you can stay in the house unless it’s a very very cheap house.

+1. Seriously. There is no staying in the house unless you find a job earning around $160k. Even if you do receive alimony, it won’t cover the mortgage.

You’re also going to lose a lot of time with your kids. Be very honest with yourself about what you’re giving up with the divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is not realistic to stay in the house. Get a new attorney.
A judge will likely force a sale of the house.

Can you afford the house payment with the alimony payment? Highly unlikey.

This. Your husband has to pay taxes in his $160k and you will have to pay taxes on your alimony. No way you can stay in the house unless it’s a very very cheap house.

You don’t pay taxes on alimony. It was already taxed, it can’t be taxed again, same as child support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Alimony is unlikey for a lot of people. Most, actually. You may get it for half the length of the marriage if you stayed at home...but you will likely not be able to afford to keep your house using alimony payments...it won't be enough money.

Why would she have a higher chance of getting it if she stayed in the house? Because the mortgage is presumably higher than rent?

[Anonymous]

You already can't afford the mortgage if it is half of his take home and you are going into a field where you will bring home maybe a third of what your husband makes? You will never be able to afford this house.

As a divorced mom, my advice is be really realistic about money and make a plan that you can manage without support from him. If you get c/s and alimony great, but if he flakes on you-you do not want to end up in bankruptcy. Think about what your new reality is. If getting divorced means living in a crummy 1 bed apartment for a couple years, is that worth it to you?

[Anonymous]

My friend used a mediator. She doesn’t regret going this route but she recognizes that she was bad at negotiating. The deal she got looked good to her on the surface but to someone who understands money, it doesn’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You already can't afford the mortgage if it is half of his take home and you are going into a field where you will bring home maybe a third of what your husband makes? You will never be able to afford this house.

As a divorced mom, my advice is be really realistic about money and make a plan that you can manage without support from him. If you get c/s and alimony great, but if he flakes on you-you do not want to end up in bankruptcy. Think about what your new reality is. If getting divorced means living in a crummy 1 bed apartment for a couple years, is that worth it to you?

Absolutely. I've only been in our house for one year. If you're miserable, the house doesn't matter much. For most of my life, I have been living in apartments.

[Anonymous]

Whether you can get alimony depends upon the laws of the state where you reside. We don't know which state and it's unlikely that any of the posters answering your question is a practicing divorce attorney in the state where you live. So, don't follow the advice. That said...

In some states, it is not unheard of for the judge to allow the primary caretaker to remain in the home until the youngest child is 18, with the non-custodial parent having to pay part of all of the mortgage. When the youngest child is 18, the house is sold and the proceeds are distributed. In some cases, if one parent paid the entire mortgage, that parent would get the house at that point. This is really state specific.

Mediation is fine as long as you know EXACTLY what the law is before you enter into negotiations. In many states, there is a formula for child support and alimony. Know how much you are entitled to before entering mediation. Don't let your spouse know what you actually want before mediating. Be careful about telling the mediator too much too. For example, if you are entitled to stay in your home under your state law but don't really care about moving, don't say that upfront. Let your H and HIS attorney think you really want to. Then he's more likely to offer other things like more child support, alimony, paying for medical expenses, etc. to get you to move.

Also, your kids are young, but check out how much, if anything, their father will be required to pay towards college under your state law. That too varies enormously.

[Anonymous]

Why are you divorcing now vs. when you're financially ready to support yourself? Short of abuse, I would wait until my job prospects have significantly improved. I think you are living in some lala land.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you divorcing now vs. when you're financially ready to support yourself? Short of abuse, I would wait until my job prospects have significantly improved. I think you are living in some lala land.

This. Find a solid job first and a decent income. Unless there is physical abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I understand all of that, but my husband isn't reasonable. I just don't see him agreeing to any of this without involving a judge.

The main problem right now is that what you want isn't reasonable. Therefore your husband would not be unreasonable if he didn't agree to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I understand all of that, but my husband isn't reasonable. I just don't see him agreeing to any of this without involving a judge.

The main problem right now is that what you want isn't reasonable. Therefore your husband would not be unreasonable if he didn't agree.

OP here. I didn't say that's what I wanted. Staying in the house was what the attorney thought was reasonable. I don't think some sort of alimony is unreasonable. I didn't say I expect it for life. There is a reason we have alimony. My husband won't even agree to divorce. He's from a background that doesn't divorce. He says he doesn't want me to date or remarry. There's a chance he thinks a judge would agree with him and not grant the divorce. This is why I am saying he's not reasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whether you can get alimony depends upon the laws of the state where you reside. We don't know which state and it's unlikely that any of the posters answering your question is a practicing divorce attorney in the state where you live. So, don't follow the advice. That said...

In some states, it is not unheard of for the judge to allow the primary caretaker to remain in the home until the youngest child is 18, with the non-custodial parent having to pay part of all of the mortgage. When the youngest child is 18, the house is sold and the proceeds are distributed. In some cases, if one parent paid the entire mortgage, that parent would get the house at that point. This is really state specific.

Mediation is fine as long as you know EXACTLY what the law is before you enter into negotiations. In many states, there is a formula for child support and alimony. Know how much you are entitled to before entering mediation. Don't let your spouse know what you actually want before mediating. Be careful about telling the mediator too much too. For example, if you are entitled to stay in your home under your state law but don't really care about moving, don't say that upfront. Let your H and HIS attorney think you really want to. Then he's more likely to offer other things like more child support, alimony, paying for medical expenses, etc. to get you to move.

Also, your kids are young, but check out how much, if anything, their father will be required to pay towards college under your state law. That too varies enormously.

We're in Pennsylvania.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you divorcing now vs. when you're financially ready to support yourself? Short of abuse, I would wait until my job prospects have significantly improved. I think you are living in some lala land.

This. Find a solid job first and a decent income. Unless there is physical abuse.

Easier said than done. There's a lot of emotional abuse. People get divorced of all kinds of incomes. I am 34 now. It's only going to get harder to date and remarry. I know it's best for the kids. The amount of anger in the house is not healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you divorcing now vs. when you're financially ready to support yourself? Short of abuse, I would wait until my job prospects have significantly improved. I think you are living in some lala land.

This. If there is abuse, then you need to get your ducks in a row first. Make sure you can prove it and get awarded full custody. Sometimes it can take severe abuse for a judge to deprive a parent of custody, more than you might think. The last thing you want to do is hand over your kids to your husband every week when you're not even there to protect them. (Assuming abuse even applies).

If abuse doesn't apply, then you need to put your kids first and stick it out until you can provide for yourself and them. You don't even earn enough money to support yourself and it doesn't sound like you have a huge asset portfolio to split.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you divorcing now vs. when you're financially ready to support yourself? Short of abuse, I would wait until my job prospects have significantly improved. I think you are living in some lala land.

This. If there is abuse, then you need to get your ducks in a row first. Make sure you can prove it and get awarded full custody. Sometimes it can take severe abuse for a judge to deprive a parent of custody, more than you might think. The last thing you want to do is hand over your kids to your husband every week when you're not even there to protect them. (Assuming abuse even applies).

If abuse doesn't apply, then you need to put your kids first and stick it out until you can provide for yourself and them. You don't even earn enough money to support yourself and it doesn't sound like you have a huge asset portfolio to split. [/quote

Horrible advice. Only OP knows what she can handle. Please don't wait until it becomes physical.