I met with a divorce attorney today... Surprised...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I have BTDT.
How about getting a better job, once that is FT, that will give you more time out of the house and a higher income to pay for additional childcare?
Disengage from him. Unless you or your child are in danger, focus now on getting your ducks in a row. Go and do whatever you need to do to get yourself financially in shape. Do not expect alimony to solve everything. There is no way you can currently afford the house, even with alimony, because it likely won’t be that much.

I'm afraid I have to disagree if she gets a job shed gives up alimony. She spent years supporting her husband while he bettered himself. Don't give that up.

She will be told by a judge to get a job and a job would probably fetch more than alimony payments.

She can have both. OP, if you're still here, insist on FT childcare. Your husband can afford ot with 160k. Do that so you can focus on college.

She would be expected to contribute to child care too. There's no "insisting" on anything. That's not how things work.

Says who? He had free childcare while he was in school. She should have the same.

It wasn’t free. He was providing housing, healthcare, food etc in exchange.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I have BTDT.
How about getting a better job, once that is FT, that will give you more time out of the house and a higher income to pay for additional childcare?
Disengage from him. Unless you or your child are in danger, focus now on getting your ducks in a row. Go and do whatever you need to do to get yourself financially in shape. Do not expect alimony to solve everything. There is no way you can currently afford the house, even with alimony, because it likely won’t be that much.

I'm afraid I have to disagree if she gets a job shed gives up alimony. She spent years supporting her husband while he bettered himself. Don't give that up.

She will be told by a judge to get a job and a job would probably fetch more than alimony payments.

She can have both. OP, if you're still here, insist on FT childcare. Your husband can afford ot with 160k. Do that so you can focus on college.

She would be expected to contribute to child care too. There's no "insisting" on anything. That's not how things work.

Says who? He had free childcare while he was in school. She should have the same.

It wasn’t free. He was providing housing, healthcare, food etc in exchange.

If she was smart she would insist on it. It's not ideal to work and be a full time student.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you divorcing now vs. when you're financially ready to support yourself? Short of abuse, I would wait until my job prospects have significantly improved. I think you are living in some lala land.

This. Find a solid job first and a decent income. Unless there is physical abuse.

Easier said than done. There's a lot of emotional abuse. People get divorced of all kinds of incomes. I am 34 now. It's only going to get harder to date and remarry. I know it's best for the kids. The amount of anger in the house is not healthy.

OP you need to grow up and make your kids priority #1! Date and remarry?!?!? Are you off your rocker?

No judge is going to deprive your husband access to your kids because you claim emotional abuse. Drop your end of the rope. It's clear from your lack of maturity that you're just as responsible for creating a bad home environment as he is. Yes, you can put aside your petty vengeance and drop your end of the rope. For your kids.

She didn't say anything about getting full custody, drama queen. News flash people do date and remarry. It doesn't make them bad parents. Humans have needs.

They do date and remarry, yes. But I don’t think any woman with kids should be getting divorced with remarrying even on her mind. OP should assume she may never remarry ever again. She should divorce with the assumption she will be a single mom. In this case, she needs to accept there’s a very high chance she won’t be staying in a house that’s 1/2 the takehome pay of her soon to be exDH. That’s simply unrealistic.

Says who? This is the USA. Divorce isn't a big deal. What are you, the dating police? If he's attractive, she can date and remarry. Maybe she's been in a sexless marriage for 12 years—her choice.

No one is saying she can't. We're saying that she shouldn't plan this while married. She seems emotionally stunted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you divorcing now vs. when you're financially ready to support yourself? Short of abuse, I would wait until my job prospects have significantly improved. I think you are living in some lala land.

This. Find a solid job first and a decent income. Unless there is physical abuse.

Easier said than done. There's a lot of emotional abuse. People get divorced of all kinds of incomes. I am 34 now. It's only going to get harder to date and remarry. I know it's best for the kids. The amount of anger in the house is not healthy.

OP you need to grow up and make your kids priority #1! Date and remarry?!?!? Are you off your rocker?

No judge is going to deprive your husband access to your kids because you claim emotional abuse. Drop your end of the rope. It's clear from your lack of maturity that you're just as responsible for creating a bad home environment as he is. Yes, you can put aside your petty vengeance and drop your end of the rope. For your kids.

She didn't say anything about getting full custody, drama queen. News flash people do date and remarry. It doesn't make them bad parents. Humans have needs.

They do date and remarry, yes. But I don’t think any woman with kids should be getting divorced with remarrying even on her mind. OP should assume she may never remarry ever again. She should divorce with the assumption she will be a single mom. In this case, she needs to accept there’s a very high chance she won’t be staying in a house that’s 1/2 the takehome pay of her soon to be exDH. That’s simply unrealistic.

Says who? This is the USA. Divorce isn't a big deal. What are you, the dating police? If he's attractive, she can date and remarry. Maybe she's been in a sexless marriage for 12 years—her choice.

No one is saying she can't. We're saying that she shouldn't plan this while married. She seems emotionally stunted.

Because she opened up the possibility of dating? She sounds human.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you divorcing now vs. when you're financially ready to support yourself? Short of abuse, I would wait until my job prospects have significantly improved. I think you are living in some lala land.

This. Find a solid job first and a decent income. Unless there is physical abuse.

Easier said than done. There's a lot of emotional abuse. People get divorced of all kinds of incomes. I am 34 now. It's only going to get harder to date and remarry. I know it's best for the kids. The amount of anger in the house is not healthy.

OP you need to grow up and make your kids priority #1! Date and remarry?!?!? Are you off your rocker?

No judge is going to deprive your husband access to your kids because you claim emotional abuse. Drop your end of the rope. It's clear from your lack of maturity that you're just as responsible for creating a bad home environment as he is. Yes, you can put aside your petty vengeance and drop your end of the rope. For your kids.

She didn't say anything about getting full custody, drama queen. News flash people do date and remarry. It doesn't make them bad parents. Humans have needs.

They do date and remarry, yes. But I don’t think any woman with kids should be getting divorced with remarrying even on her mind. OP should assume she may never remarry ever again. She should divorce with the assumption she will be a single mom. In this case, she needs to accept there’s a very high chance she won’t be staying in a house that’s 1/2 the takehome pay of her soon to be exDH. That’s simply unrealistic.

Says who? This is the USA. Divorce isn't a big deal. What are you, the dating police? If he's attractive, she can date and remarry. Maybe she's been in a sexless marriage for 12 years—her choice.

No one is saying she can't. We're saying that she shouldn't plan this while married. She seems emotionally stunted.

Because she opened up the possibility of dating? She sounds human.

What? The OP made a general statement about getting older. She didn't say she would date while she was still married. She can do whatever the hell she wants. That's how divorce works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I have BTDT.
How about getting a better job, once that is FT, that will give you more time out of the house and a higher income to pay for additional childcare?
Disengage from him. Unless you or your child are in danger, focus now on getting your ducks in a row. Go and do whatever you need to do to get yourself financially in shape. Do not expect alimony to solve everything. There is no way you can currently afford the house, even with alimony, because it likely won’t be that much.

I'm afraid I have to disagree if she gets a job shed gives up alimony. She spent years supporting her husband while he bettered himself. Don't give that up.

She will be told by a judge to get a job and a job would probably fetch more than alimony payments.

She can have both. OP, if you're still here, insist on FT childcare. Your husband can afford ot with 160k. Do that so you can focus on college.

She would be expected to contribute to child care too. There's no "insisting" on anything. That's not how things work.

Says who? He had free childcare while he was in school. She should have the same.

It wasn’t free. He was providing housing, healthcare, food etc in exchange.

If she was smart she would insist on it. It's not ideal to work and be a full time student.

🤷‍♂️ Don’t get divorced then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is not realistic to stay in the house. Get a new attorney.
A judge will likely force a sale of the house.

Can you afford the house payment with the alimony payment? Highly unlikey.

This. Your husband has to pay taxes in his $160k and you will have to pay taxes on your alimony. No way you can stay in the house unless it’s a very very cheap house.

You don’t pay taxes on alimony. It was already taxed, it can’t be taxed again, same as child support.

You pay taxes on alimony, not child support.

[Anonymous]

OP, you have to understand that you are now supporting two households vs. one on the same $160K income. So, two rents or mortgages, two utilities, food, clothing at two homes, etc. Also, when you divorce, you both will need child care as you will have to go back to work at some point. You'd probably get alimony and some child support or a mix of the two. If your mortgage is 1/2 his take home, there is no way you will able to afford it even with child support on an beginning level social work degree (assuming this is a masters, not a bachelors).

Are you having an affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is not realistic to stay in the house. Get a new attorney.
A judge will likely force a sale of the house.

Can you afford the house payment with the alimony payment? Highly unlikey.

This. Your husband has to pay taxes in his $160k and you will have to pay taxes on your alimony. No way you can stay in the house unless it’s a very very cheap house.

You don’t pay taxes on alimony. It was already taxed, it can’t be taxed again, same as child support.

You pay taxes on alimony, not child support.

Not if awarded after 2018.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you divorcing now vs. when you're financially ready to support yourself? Short of abuse, I would wait until my job prospects have significantly improved. I think you are living in some lala land.

This. Find a solid job first and a decent income. Unless there is physical abuse.

Easier said than done. There's a lot of emotional abuse. People get divorced of all kinds of incomes. I am 34 now. It's only going to get harder to date and remarry. I know it's best for the kids. The amount of anger in the house is not healthy.

OP you need to grow up and make your kids priority #1! Date and remarry?!?!? Are you off your rocker?

No judge is going to deprive your husband access to your kids because you claim emotional abuse. Drop your end of the rope. It's clear from your lack of maturity that you're just as responsible for creating a bad home environment as he is. Yes, you can put aside your petty vengeance and drop your end of the rope. For your kids.

She didn't say anything about getting full custody, drama queen. News flash people do date and remarry. It doesn't make them bad parents. Humans have needs.

They do date and remarry, yes. But I don’t think any woman with kids should be getting divorced with remarrying even on her mind. OP should assume she may never remarry ever again. She should divorce with the assumption she will be a single mom. In this case, she needs to accept there’s a very high chance she won’t be staying in a house that’s 1/2 the takehome pay of her soon to be exDH. That’s simply unrealistic.

Says who? This is the USA. Divorce isn't a big deal. What are you, the dating police? If he's attractive, she can date and remarry. Maybe she's been in a sexless marriage for 12 years—her choice.

No one is saying she can't. We're saying that she shouldn't plan this while married. She seems emotionally stunted.

Because she opened up the possibility of dating? She sounds human.

No she sounds like she’s looking for a free ride.

Stayed at home and a PT job while husband supports her. Going to ditch him and wants to continue living for free in the family home. Then wants to meet someone else to marry and pay her bills.

OP needs to learn how to be single and support herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I have BTDT.
How about getting a better job, once that is FT, that will give you more time out of the house and a higher income to pay for additional childcare?
Disengage from him. Unless you or your child are in danger, focus now on getting your ducks in a row. Go and do whatever you need to do to get yourself financially in shape. Do not expect alimony to solve everything. There is no way you can currently afford the house, even with alimony, because it likely won’t be that much.

I'm afraid I have to disagree if she gets a job shed gives up alimony. She spent years supporting her husband while he bettered himself. Don't give that up.

She will be told by a judge to get a job and a job would probably fetch more than alimony payments.

She can have both. OP, if you're still here, insist on FT childcare. Your husband can afford ot with 160k. Do that so you can focus on college.

She would be expected to contribute to child care too. There's no "insisting" on anything. That's not how things work.

Says who? He had free childcare while he was in school. She should have the same.

What you think “should” happen is completely irrelevant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I have BTDT.
How about getting a better job, once that is FT, that will give you more time out of the house and a higher income to pay for additional childcare?
Disengage from him. Unless you or your child are in danger, focus now on getting your ducks in a row. Go and do whatever you need to do to get yourself financially in shape. Do not expect alimony to solve everything. There is no way you can currently afford the house, even with alimony, because it likely won’t be that much.

I'm afraid I have to disagree if she gets a job shed gives up alimony. She spent years supporting her husband while he bettered himself. Don't give that up.

She will be told by a judge to get a job and a job would probably fetch more than alimony payments.

She can have both. OP, if you're still here, insist on FT childcare. Your husband can afford ot with 160k. Do that so you can focus on college.

She would be expected to contribute to child care too. There's no "insisting" on anything. That's not how things work.

Says who? He had free childcare while he was in school. She should have the same.

It wasn’t free. He was providing housing, healthcare, food etc in exchange.

If she was smart she would insist on it. It's not ideal to work and be a full time student.

Once again, she doesn’t get to “insist” on anything. That’s not how it works.

[Anonymous]

OP.


Just in case it hasn't sunk in, divorce is financially the worst decision a middle class person can make. So unless you believe you can marry richer, become yourself a high earner, or win the lottery...

Of course, if he's abusive, that's another story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can’t use just a mediator, you need to have an attorney, too. A mediator won’t have your best interest in mind.

I wouldn’t go by what a friend says. My xH had multiple attorney friends who told him all kinds of crazy things, like if he totaled up everything spent on me during our marriage, a judge would force me to pay that back (obviously not true).

Alimony is unlikely, but depends on the state you are in and the judge you get.

You might be able to stay in the house but you’ll have to pay the mortgage. Can you afford that?

OP here. He's not a friend. He is someone a family member introduced me to. Why is alimony unlikely after 12 years of marriage? Because of his income? It seems it would be more likely before I finish college than waiting until after I finish. I have moved all over the country supporting him while he got a Ph.D., contracting jobs, etc etc.

Is this a family law attorney? You need to consult with multiple family law attorneys. They will all tell you something different, and usually if it sounds too good to be true, it is.

Alimony is rarely granted nowadays. A judge does not care that you moved across the country for him. BTDT. They just say to go get a job. You may be able to get a little bit of money to support you while you finish school but that’s it. The fantasy that you’ll get to live in your house while your H pays the mortgage is just that - fantasy. I lived in a 1 bedroom apartment after my divorce.

+1 This is exactly what I was trying to tell the lady on the other thread.

[Anonymous]

What people don't understand about "getting the house" is it's not just some easy transfer, you have to refinance the house so that it's in only your name. You'll have to be able to get the loan and be able to afford the house. This is what I did a few years ago.