Almost done with freshman year! And lessons learned.

[Anonymous]

You are all insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Helicopter parent alert.

+1 I feel so embarrassed for parents like this.

Please don't be embarrased for my - I promise you I am not. I would kindly ask you to STFU and get off your judgmental and self important high horse

I think parents like you are naive or can be borderline neglectful. There is a happy medium you know? Just because you want to help your 17/18 year old with some advice and guidance to successfully navigate one of the biggest changes to their lives to set themselves up for success does NOT mean you are helicoptering. It means your a decent parent. No one is saying make the calls for them, or help them with their school work. Its about helping them stay relatively health, safe, and on track.

I find people like you who throw out the helicoptering thing any time a parent is actually interested and supportive of their kids ridiculous. I am not a helicopter parent. I believe in giving kids the freedom to fail - when it's not fatal. I don't plan on helicoptering my college student, but I do plan on helping them figure out how to get healthcare for themselves if they get sick and need it (did your college freshman handle ALL of their healthcare needs and insurance as a teenager before they left for college? ). Or how to make my life easier by having a plan in place if I need to quickly send money, or ya know, inquire as to what kind of plan they have to map out classes so I'm not paying for 5+ years of college.

Okay - I feel better getting that off my chest. LOL. Flame away!

NP here. You're just not doing yourself any favors with this defense. You are doing too much for your college freshmen. They should have figured out their own housing and registered for their own classes. They obviously have advisors and it's their job to go to them--not their mommy--if they are unsure. My college freshman, with severe ADHD and executive function deficit, did all this himself. The night he woke up with acute apendicitis, he got himself to the hospical, and didn't call me until the morning--about 7 hours later to say, basically, "they seem to feel pretty strongly I should have it removed, I feel like I just wanted to check with you and dad to make sure that's the right thing to do before I consent to it," Two weeks later got himself to his post-surgical follow-up appointment. And you are concerned that your kids won't know what to do if they have a cold. So yes, the whole premise of the thread is flameworthy--sorry. I do think I may show it to my kids, who complain that I am too hands on. If only they knew.

Your kid had Major surgery and you didn’t go to the hospital to check on him?!!! Wtf!!!! That’s not giving independence that’s friggen neglect! My kid is across the country and if she needed an appendectomy I’d be on the first plane out the next day. Wow. I’m glad I’m not your kid.

Wow...calm down. At what point in my post did I say I didn't go? When he called me, 7 after hours after getting himself admitted, seeing a doctor, and getting diagnosed, I actually did go to see him (although it was hours before I could because they kept him in the ER until pre-op and would not allow visitors because of COVID). Then I sat in the waiting room for 2 hours while he was in surgery and then you know what I did? Because he was in so much pain? I spent the night in his room. And by the way, even if I hadn't, it wouldn't be "neglect." He's an adult. Would it be unfeeling, cold? Sure, but not neglect. But again, I went, cared for him, and spent the night with him in his hospital room. Was it because he needed his mommy to deal with his life? No, he takes care of himself. It's because he needed somebody to be compassionate and care for him. Also, I would never let a loved one stay alone in a hospital room if I can help it. Calm TF down.

Ah well, but you didn’t paint the picture that way did you PP. In fact you left that whole middle part out of your original post with the aim of portraying the situation as if your son handled it all himself. And now called out on it, you’re backpedaling!! A lie of omission for the purposes for bragging and trying to look superior to others is still well, a lie. Do you regularly airbrush stories of your life to make you look good?

Oh run along. Sonny needs to Facetime you about his grade in Psych 101.

Lol don’t get twisted PP. it’s just that there were clearly two versions of your story. And you were jerky in describing both of them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Helicopter parent alert.

Are you kidding? This is the total opposite of a helicopter. I am a helicopter. My kids would not for one second be without a full stock of vitamins and meds, housing secured for the following year, and the fear of god in them for not getting strong grades.

I applaud OP because I think she is doing many things that will foster independence in her children. I can certainly learn from her.

A full stock of vitamins for a college student? What does that even mean?

This is confusing for you? A big bottle of multivitamins, and another zinc. I may include refills in care packages. Stocked also means medicines for common ailments like benadryl, advil, Pepto-Bismol, NyQuil, Tums, etc.... Did that help?

Yes, thank you for clarifying! Overkill, as I suspected.

I would love to see the face of PP's kid when he gets these "care packages" full of zinc and Pepto Bismol. And when PP comes inevitably to help the kid move out, I suspect she will find it all shoved in the bottom of a drawer. If it wasn't thrown into the trash.

Now if it was birth control pills and adderall…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Helicopter parent alert.

Are you kidding? This is the total opposite of a helicopter. I am a helicopter. My kids would not for one second be without a full stock of vitamins and meds, housing secured for the following year, and the fear of god in them for not getting strong grades.

I applaud OP because I think she is doing many things that will foster independence in her children. I can certainly learn from her.

A full stock of vitamins for a college student? What does that even mean?

This is confusing for you? A big bottle of multivitamins, and another zinc. I may include refills in care packages. Stocked also means medicines for common ailments like benadryl, advil, Pepto-Bismol, NyQuil, Tums, etc.... Did that help?

Your kid can’t go to a CVS and buy medication for themselves?

[Anonymous]

As a psychologist who focuses on emerging adulthood period, I think OP sounds like a supportive parent for this stage of life--not helicoptering nor neglectful. Each person adapts to their own kid of course, but I've regularly seen people on this board call things that are normal parenting (actually even healthy interactions between adult family members!) "helicoptering." Believe me I see plenty of helicoptering behavior and none of what OP describes comes close.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a psychologist who focuses on emerging adulthood period, I think OP sounds like a supportive parent for this stage of life--not helicoptering nor neglectful. Each person adapts to their own kid of course, but I've regularly seen people on this board call things that are normal parenting (actually even healthy interactions between adult family members!) "helicoptering." Believe me I see plenty of helicoptering behavior and none of what OP describes comes close.

The people you see who are helicoptering are undoubtedly on the extreme end, since they are seeing a psychologist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think some of the people crying helicopter don't have kids.

Also, agree with the poster who said the novelty wears off of being so independent. In fact, I've seen time and time again where students with those 'hands off' parents end up relying on their friends' parents for advice and support and help. If you're proud to be that parent that's MIA while your kid bonds with/relies on another adult your age, good for you....I question your values and mental health.

Why can't you understand that there's middle ground? You can raise independent kids with love and compassion, without going MIA. It's not one or the other.

My point is that if you read the OP, and you find that to be helicopter-y, I'd hate to see what your definition of independent is. That's all.

+1 apparently the PP's calling the thread OP a helicopter parent didn't actually READ the original post. There is NOTHING in there that is helicoptering, just some times and things to keep in mind as a parent.

Handling their housing, talking to them about drinking--after they have left for college. And frankly, just having so much knowledge about their day to day lives. That's helicoptering.

Nowhere does it say the OP "handled their housing". It simply says to ignore all the other parents who may say, oh don[t worry about housing until spring. In a large state school. it does need to be handled. It does not anywhere say that the OP handled anything for their kid, just giving parents a heads up that thats the timeframe it will need to happen.

"Talking to them about drinking" That's helicoptering? okay. Well if that is what it's called, I hope more people do it more often. Alot of kids at my DC's school ended up in the ER in the first few months of school from overindulging, so to speak. Mine did not. Guess sometimes helicoptering is the right thing to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Helicopter parent alert.

Oh stop. Nothing helicopter in OP post. At all. But you do you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Helicopter parent alert.

Are you kidding? This is the total opposite of a helicopter. I am a helicopter. My kids would not for one second be without a full stock of vitamins and meds, housing secured for the following year, and the fear of god in them for not getting strong grades.

I applaud OP because I think she is doing many things that will foster independence in her children. I can certainly learn from her.

A full stock of vitamins for a college student? What does that even mean?

This is confusing for you? A big bottle of multivitamins, and another zinc. I may include refills in care packages. Stocked also means medicines for common ailments like benadryl, advil, Pepto-Bismol, NyQuil, Tums, etc.... Did that help?

Your kid can’t go to a CVS and buy medication for themselves?

It's just about making them feel secure. Believe me even if you plan for everything, there is still tons of things that your child will need to face and deal with on their own. I'd probably put the same package together for my husband if he went away on an extended business trip or something.

Also, my immigrant parents did this for me, too. So there is a cultural element at play here. I have acknowledged in every post that I am a helicopter and that this is overbearing, but it's what we're comfortable with as a family. Hope you find what works for you all too. If part of that is purposefully not providing items that would be useful in a pinch, great. You do you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think some of the people crying helicopter don't have kids.

Also, agree with the poster who said the novelty wears off of being so independent. In fact, I've seen time and time again where students with those 'hands off' parents end up relying on their friends' parents for advice and support and help. If you're proud to be that parent that's MIA while your kid bonds with/relies on another adult your age, good for you....I question your values and mental health.

Why can't you understand that there's middle ground? You can raise independent kids with love and compassion, without going MIA. It's not one or the other.

My point is that if you read the OP, and you find that to be helicopter-y, I'd hate to see what your definition of independent is. That's all.

+1 apparently the PP's calling the thread OP a helicopter parent didn't actually READ the original post. There is NOTHING in there that is helicoptering, just some times and things to keep in mind as a parent.

Handling their housing, talking to them about drinking--after they have left for college. And frankly, just having so much knowledge about their day to day lives. That's helicoptering.

Nowhere does it say the OP "handled their housing". It simply says to ignore all the other parents who may say, oh don[t worry about housing until spring. In a large state school. it does need to be handled. It does not anywhere say that the OP handled anything for their kid, just giving parents a heads up that thats the timeframe it will need to happen.

"Talking to them about drinking" That's helicoptering? okay. Well if that is what it's called, I hope more people do it more often. Alot of kids at my DC's school ended up in the ER in the first few months of school from overindulging, so to speak. Mine did not. Guess sometimes helicoptering is the right thing to do?

Why does OP need to have ANY involvement in a kid’s housing? I don’t think my parents knew a darn thing about the timeframe in which we needed to get housing taken care of. We all just did it on our own.

In terms of drinking: That’s a conversation that needs to happen well before your kid goes off to college. By that time, they’re either going to know how to be responsible or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Helicopter parent alert.

Are you kidding? This is the total opposite of a helicopter. I am a helicopter. My kids would not for one second be without a full stock of vitamins and meds, housing secured for the following year, and the fear of god in them for not getting strong grades.

I applaud OP because I think she is doing many things that will foster independence in her children. I can certainly learn from her.

A full stock of vitamins for a college student? What does that even mean?

This is confusing for you? A big bottle of multivitamins, and another zinc. I may include refills in care packages. Stocked also means medicines for common ailments like benadryl, advil, Pepto-Bismol, NyQuil, Tums, etc.... Did that help?

Your kid can’t go to a CVS and buy medication for themselves?

It's just about making them feel secure. Believe me even if you plan for everything, there is still tons of things that your child will need to face and deal with on their own. I'd probably put the same package together for my husband if he went away on an extended business trip or something.

Also, my immigrant parents did this for me, too. So there is a cultural element at play here. I have acknowledged in every post that I am a helicopter and that this is overbearing, but it's what we're comfortable with as a family. Hope you find what works for you all too. If part of that is purposefully not providing items that would be useful in a pinch, great. You do you.

You would put a medication package together for your husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did the first year end up for the class of 2025 and parents?!

I can’t believe the year is almost done. Little over two weeks of classes left and then finals for mine. It was a year of amazing growth both academically and socially for one. For the other (twins obviously), it was a year of sickness and injury. I can count on one hand how many weeks they were healthy since august drop off. Very tough year because of dealing with that and the transition.

Lessons learned:
1. More vitamins and meds on hand for the inevitable sicknesses. Also air filter.
2. We were told not to succumb to the pressure to rent an apartment for sophomore year in October but in reality that IS when you need to book
Something if you’re at a large state school. Glad the kids found a place then as there is nothing good left this spring.
3. Encourage the kids to bring home fall clothes at Thanksgiving and winter clothes at Easter.
4. Don’t stress about their grades. Don’t even ask. Trust me they are plenty stressed about it without you adding to it. If they stay out all night drinking and miss a class or an assignment, they will learn from their mistakes. Freshman year is going to be hard, don’t expect As even if your kid has never gotten worse than an A.
5. The piece of advice I have my kids when I left them at drop off was, “don’t be the drink freshman passed out on the bathroom floor”. Happy to say they never were and in fact are quite proud of that. Overall drinking has slowed down but those first few weeks (really until Midterms) were pretty out of control for many kids.

Who else wants to report?

Thank you so much. I have twin HS juniors and feel like one is ready to go to college tomorrow. The other one still needs so much babysitting with getting assignments in on time, I'm so stress
ed for that kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did the first year end up for the class of 2025 and parents?!

I can’t believe the year is almost done. Little over two weeks of classes left and then finals for mine. It was a year of amazing growth both academically and socially for one. For the other (twins obviously), it was a year of sickness and injury. I can count on one hand how many weeks they were healthy since august drop off. Very tough year because of dealing with that and the transition.

Lessons learned:
1. More vitamins and meds on hand for the inevitable sicknesses. Also air filter.
2. We were told not to succumb to the pressure to rent an apartment for sophomore year in October but in reality that IS when you need to book
Something if you’re at a large state school. Glad the kids found a place then as there is nothing good left this spring.
3. Encourage the kids to bring home fall clothes at Thanksgiving and winter clothes at Easter.
4. Don’t stress about their grades. Don’t even ask. Trust me they are plenty stressed about it without you adding to it. If they stay out all night drinking and miss a class or an assignment, they will learn from their mistakes. Freshman year is going to be hard, don’t expect As even if your kid has never gotten worse than an A.
5. The piece of advice I have my kids when I left them at drop off was, “don’t be the drink freshman passed out on the bathroom floor”. Happy to say they never were and in fact are quite proud of that. Overall drinking has slowed down but those first few weeks (really until Midterms) were pretty out of control for many kids.

Who else wants to report?

Why and how would you know this? And why would you believe you know everything that is going on even if you are pressing for them to tell you or asking these questions in the first place? What normally developing 18 or 19 year old tells mommy about drinking at college. So odd to me.

Yes, have conversations about drinking. Don't drink something you haven't poured or opened yourself, don't leave your drink, don't leave your friends behind, etc. But honestly you people should not be this involved in the details.

Strikes me as odd that you don't talk to your kids about drinking or presumably anything else? I guess you were probably the poster last fall who proudly said they dropped off the kid and didn't expect to hear from them until break.

I talk to my kids, they trust me to they tell me things. They know I will not judge them. They ask for advice. I feel sorry for anyone who doesn't have that relationship with their kids.

I am the complete opposite of OP...I really don't have a great picture of my kid's day to day life at school and don't really want to. It's his life, not mine. If I haven't already talked to him about drinking enough by now, nothing I say now, to an 18-year-old, would make a bit of difference. He was home over a long Easter break however, and he shared a lot fun pieces of information, how he is feeling about things, what's stressing him out, and what he loves about college. So when you act like a normal person and treat your 18-year-olds like 18-year-olds, they treat you with respect and are willing to share. As a side note: I am very close friends with his high school best friend's mother. She shares with me things she hears from her son, who is fairly far away at college. My son and I were talking a bit about him and it turns out, the stuff he shares with his mother is complete and utter BS. He shares basically fake stuff with her so she believes she knows everything, and she knows very little. My son said, "it's nothing I'm going to tell you either. He's fine, but trust me, she does not really have a sense of his life at college at all." I'm sure that's true of my son, and probably many of these first-year college students. I do not have blinders on, but boy do so many of you.

Because you are an expert, and your son is representative of the universe. Got it.

When she was looking at colleges, my kid did not want heavily greek schools or schools where drinking was central to the social life (as indicated by reviews on Unigo). Her only complaint about her school freshman year was how hard it was to find other non-drinkers to hang out with. She also took issue with the fact that the cafeteria opened so late on weekends, because so many kids have hangovers/sleep in on weekends.

These are not topics I brought up. These are issues she raised, as concerns to her. So, my kid is very different than yours. And that is not because I have blinders on. It is because our kids are different. And I know my kid, you do not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think some of the people crying helicopter don't have kids.

Also, agree with the poster who said the novelty wears off of being so independent. In fact, I've seen time and time again where students with those 'hands off' parents end up relying on their friends' parents for advice and support and help. If you're proud to be that parent that's MIA while your kid bonds with/relies on another adult your age, good for you....I question your values and mental health.

Why can't you understand that there's middle ground? You can raise independent kids with love and compassion, without going MIA. It's not one or the other.

My point is that if you read the OP, and you find that to be helicopter-y, I'd hate to see what your definition of independent is. That's all.

+1 apparently the PP's calling the thread OP a helicopter parent didn't actually READ the original post. There is NOTHING in there that is helicoptering, just some times and things to keep in mind as a parent.

Handling their housing, talking to them about drinking--after they have left for college. And frankly, just having so much knowledge about their day to day lives. That's helicoptering.

Nowhere does it say the OP "handled their housing". It simply says to ignore all the other parents who may say, oh don[t worry about housing until spring. In a large state school. it does need to be handled. It does not anywhere say that the OP handled anything for their kid, just giving parents a heads up that thats the timeframe it will need to happen.

"Talking to them about drinking" That's helicoptering? okay. Well if that is what it's called, I hope more people do it more often. Alot of kids at my DC's school ended up in the ER in the first few months of school from overindulging, so to speak. Mine did not. Guess sometimes helicoptering is the right thing to do?

Why does OP need to have ANY involvement in a kid’s housing? I don’t think my parents knew a darn thing about the timeframe in which we needed to get housing taken care of. We all just did it on our own.

In terms of drinking: That’s a conversation that needs to happen well before your kid goes off to college. By that time, they’re either going to know how to be responsible or not.

This is OP, back to join the fun that I unintentionally started hahah. The reason I mentioned housing is because the parent is paying for it. If it was an on campus apartment, yea I would not expect to be consulted, advised or even informed of the timing or plans unless I asked. But we are talking about off campus apartments. The first order of business needed to be a discussion with the kid to set the budget, and then I did also review the lease. Otherwise, my DS and his roommates did it all. They found the apartments, met the realtors, made a decision and asked me for the security deposit. I mentioned it only because coming from a SLAC myself, I had no idea that happened so quickly into the freshman year.

With regard to drinking, obviously as they were being dropped off to college was not the first or last discussion I had ever had about drinking. I simply imparted those words as I left.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think some of the people crying helicopter don't have kids.

Also, agree with the poster who said the novelty wears off of being so independent. In fact, I've seen time and time again where students with those 'hands off' parents end up relying on their friends' parents for advice and support and help. If you're proud to be that parent that's MIA while your kid bonds with/relies on another adult your age, good for you....I question your values and mental health.

Why can't you understand that there's middle ground? You can raise independent kids with love and compassion, without going MIA. It's not one or the other.

My point is that if you read the OP, and you find that to be helicopter-y, I'd hate to see what your definition of independent is. That's all.

+1 apparently the PP's calling the thread OP a helicopter parent didn't actually READ the original post. There is NOTHING in there that is helicoptering, just some times and things to keep in mind as a parent.

Handling their housing, talking to them about drinking--after they have left for college. And frankly, just having so much knowledge about their day to day lives. That's helicoptering.

Nowhere does it say the OP "handled their housing". It simply says to ignore all the other parents who may say, oh don[t worry about housing until spring. In a large state school. it does need to be handled. It does not anywhere say that the OP handled anything for their kid, just giving parents a heads up that thats the timeframe it will need to happen.

"Talking to them about drinking" That's helicoptering? okay. Well if that is what it's called, I hope more people do it more often. Alot of kids at my DC's school ended up in the ER in the first few months of school from overindulging, so to speak. Mine did not. Guess sometimes helicoptering is the right thing to do?

Why does OP need to have ANY involvement in a kid’s housing? I don’t think my parents knew a darn thing about the timeframe in which we needed to get housing taken care of. We all just did it on our own.

In terms of drinking: That’s a conversation that needs to happen well before your kid goes off to college. By that time, they’re either going to know how to be responsible or not.

This is OP, back to join the fun that I unintentionally started hahah. The reason I mentioned housing is because the parent is paying for it. If it was an on campus apartment, yea I would not expect to be consulted, advised or even informed of the timing or plans unless I asked. But we are talking about off campus apartments. The first order of business needed to be a discussion with the kid to set the budget, and then I did also review the lease. Otherwise, my DS and his roommates did it all. They found the apartments, met the realtors, made a decision and asked me for the security deposit. I mentioned it only because coming from a SLAC myself, I had no idea that happened so quickly into the freshman year.

With regard to drinking, obviously as they were being dropped off to college was not the first or last discussion I had ever had about drinking. I simply imparted those words as I left.

Well then you needed to be clear about that. A lot of schools guarantee 4 years of housing — especially big state schools.