Almost done with freshman year! And lessons learned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since the advent of social media, exacerbated by the pandemic, college suicides and mental health issues among college students have become a crisis. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with giving occasional guidance/help to your child. Teens don’t have the cognitive wherewithal to be left completely on their own volition. The fact of the matter is that their brains are not yet fully developed especially the frontal lobe that deals with executive function (moral judgements) until their mid 20’s. It’s like forcing a child to walk when they’re not physiologically ready yet.

I mean, one could argue that mental health issues are made worse by meddlesome, hand-holding parents who habitually smooth the road in front of their kids. They’re on their own for the first time but they’ve never had the opportunity to work through problems or inconveniences—not even tiny ones, like where to find Advil if your head hurts—and they crumble.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our daughter’s freshman year was last year. We sent the world’s best first aid kit and a COVID bug out bag in case she got sick and moved to the isolation dorm. Thankfully, neither she nor her roommate got sick and both got vaccinated as soon as they could. Encourage them to use the resources at their school. They have a free gym membership. Ours has a lake with free kayaks and canoes and camping trips. There are career counselors and festivals, etc. There was free outdoor ice skating during Covid last year - our daughter and her roommate went several times. Her school requires on campus living the first 2 years so we didn’t have to worry about off campus housing right away. She is living off campus next year and will be able to stay in the house for two years if this year works out.

I would really love to know what school this is! It sounds great.

I thought the OP had a lot of good info and I wish the thread weren't up to 12 pages with the standard helicoptering parent debate. To the extent any other masochists have made it through this thread as far as I have, I'd add:

1) For your kids moving off-campus or living in dorms that have suites where they have to clean their own bathrooms and kitchens -- make sure they know how to clean common living areas. This is a high school skill but may need some refreshing. I had no issue buying and sending my kid with the tools and products he needed so he wouldn't waste money on ineffective products, and going over with him how to clean a sink, toilet, counters, stove, etc.

2) Make sure you have the legal paperwork in order before your kid leaves for school. The whole HIPAA thing kicks in -- you don't have the right to be involved in your kid's medical care, or know whether they're failing at school, unless they have signed waivers/power of attorney forms. I went through Mama Bear Legal Forms although I'm sure there are similar services available. Make sure you do state-specific forms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Since the advent of social media, exacerbated by the pandemic, college suicides and mental health issues among college students have become a crisis. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with giving occasional guidance/help to your child. Teens don’t have the cognitive wherewithal to be left completely on their own volition. The fact of the matter is that their brains are not yet fully developed especially the frontal lobe that deals with executive function (moral judgements) until their mid 20’s. It’s like forcing a child to walk when they’re not physiologically ready yet.

I mean, one could argue that mental health issues are made worse by meddlesome, hand-holding parents who habitually smooth the road in front of their kids. They’re on their own for the first time but they’ve never had the opportunity to work through problems or inconveniences—not even tiny ones, like where to find Advil if your head hurts—and they crumble.

The operative word is “occasional” guidance and help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Since the advent of social media, exacerbated by the pandemic, college suicides and mental health issues among college students have become a crisis. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with giving occasional guidance/help to your child. Teens don’t have the cognitive wherewithal to be left completely on their own volition. The fact of the matter is that their brains are not yet fully developed especially the frontal lobe that deals with executive function (moral judgements) until their mid 20’s. It’s like forcing a child to walk when they’re not physiologically ready yet.

I mean, one could argue that mental health issues are made worse by meddlesome, hand-holding parents who habitually smooth the road in front of their kids. They’re on their own for the first time but they’ve never had the opportunity to work through problems or inconveniences—not even tiny ones, like where to find Advil if your head hurts—and they crumble.

The operative word is “occasional” guidance and help.

Yes. At a minimum. I had little support or attention at all from family while in college and I don't see what is so great about that. Give your kids some guidance.

[Anonymous]

Why is sending a medicine kit so morally or let’s say parentally wrong?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is sending a medicine kit so morally or let’s say parentally wrong?

haha it isn't. That's just the crazies on this board. I sent one with my kid and they definitely used it and were happy it was there.

[Anonymous]

The superiority complex of some on this thread is so outta hand I can't even believe you function in real life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our daughter’s freshman year was last year. We sent the world’s best first aid kit and a COVID bug out bag in case she got sick and moved to the isolation dorm. Thankfully, neither she nor her roommate got sick and both got vaccinated as soon as they could. Encourage them to use the resources at their school. They have a free gym membership. Ours has a lake with free kayaks and canoes and camping trips. There are career counselors and festivals, etc. There was free outdoor ice skating during Covid last year - our daughter and her roommate went several times. Her school requires on campus living the first 2 years so we didn’t have to worry about off campus housing right away. She is living off campus next year and will be able to stay in the house for two years if this year works out.

I would really love to know what school this is! It sounds great.

I thought the OP had a lot of good info and I wish the thread weren't up to 12 pages with the standard helicoptering parent debate. To the extent any other masochists have made it through this thread as far as I have, I'd add:

1) For your kids moving off-campus or living in dorms that have suites where they have to clean their own bathrooms and kitchens -- make sure they know how to clean common living areas. This is a high school skill but may need some refreshing. I had no issue buying and sending my kid with the tools and products he needed so he wouldn't waste money on ineffective products, and going over with him how to clean a sink, toilet, counters, stove, etc.

2) Make sure you have the legal paperwork in order before your kid leaves for school. The whole HIPAA thing kicks in -- you don't have the right to be involved in your kid's medical care, or know whether they're failing at school, unless they have signed waivers/power of attorney forms. I went through Mama Bear Legal Forms although I'm sure there are similar services available. Make sure you do state-specific forms.

THIS is a good one. I got that advice on this board last summer and did get the forms completed. My DD has been to the hospital twice since she got to school and no we haven't needed it yet, but it's a good reminder to have all that paperwork completed so that if you did need information from the hospital, you would get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is sending a medicine kit so morally or let’s parentally wrong?

Ha. Agree. I am the one who brought up that I always send that with DC. I don't think any reasonable person thinks it's so terrible or off the wall.

Also, I kept acknowledging that yeah, it's a bit much, but it's just what I do... and still the vitriol. Which shows that it's trolls with no clue.

[Anonymous]

Hard to believe! It went so much faster than I expected.

Lessons learned:

The transition to dorm life was trickier than expected. Non-partying kid and a mostly absent roommate translated into some early loneliness. For future freshman parents, if your kids struggle a bit to make new friends, reassure them they will eventually find their people.

Encourage them to find things outside the classroom to offset stress and have fun. And getting off campus and exploring the surrounding area is a great way to enhance the college experience.

Help them find a plan for the summer and as with everything in college and beyond, support them when things don't go according to plan.

And don't sign a lease for sophomore year too early!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our daughter’s freshman year was last year. We sent the world’s best first aid kit and a COVID bug out bag in case she got sick and moved to the isolation dorm. Thankfully, neither she nor her roommate got sick and both got vaccinated as soon as they could. Encourage them to use the resources at their school. They have a free gym membership. Ours has a lake with free kayaks and canoes and camping trips. There are career counselors and festivals, etc. There was free outdoor ice skating during Covid last year - our daughter and her roommate went several times. Her school requires on campus living the first 2 years so we didn’t have to worry about off campus housing right away. She is living off campus next year and will be able to stay in the house for two years if this year works out.

I would really love to know what school this is! It sounds great.

I thought the OP had a lot of good info and I wish the thread weren't up to 12 pages with the standard helicoptering parent debate. To the extent any other masochists have made it through this thread as far as I have, I'd add:

1) For your kids moving off-campus or living in dorms that have suites where they have to clean their own bathrooms and kitchens -- make sure they know how to clean common living areas. This is a high school skill but may need some refreshing. I had no issue buying and sending my kid with the tools and products he needed so he wouldn't waste money on ineffective products, and going over with him how to clean a sink, toilet, counters, stove, etc.

2) Make sure you have the legal paperwork in order before your kid leaves for school. The whole HIPAA thing kicks in -- you don't have the right to be involved in your kid's medical care, or know whether they're failing at school, unless they have signed waivers/power of attorney forms. I went through Mama Bear Legal Forms although I'm sure there are similar services available. Make sure you do state-specific forms.

Well, you clearly aren't interested in any constructive feedback people are providing about helicoptering. Doesn't the very fact that the company is called "Mama Bear" say anything to you about the appropriateness of this? You all think you have open, caring relationships, but yet, you need legal forms to know your kids' grades? If the smothering is so effective, why aren't they just telling you their grades? If your child is incapacitated, you do not need legal forms to act in his interest. That legal form is only so you can monitor if they get an STD and a prescription for birth control. The debate is standard because it's so unfuriating to read stuff like this. These poor 18-year-olds!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our daughter’s freshman year was last year. We sent the world’s best first aid kit and a COVID bug out bag in case she got sick and moved to the isolation dorm. Thankfully, neither she nor her roommate got sick and both got vaccinated as soon as they could. Encourage them to use the resources at their school. They have a free gym membership. Ours has a lake with free kayaks and canoes and camping trips. There are career counselors and festivals, etc. There was free outdoor ice skating during Covid last year - our daughter and her roommate went several times. Her school requires on campus living the first 2 years so we didn’t have to worry about off campus housing right away. She is living off campus next year and will be able to stay in the house for two years if this year works out.

I would really love to know what school this is! It sounds great.

I thought the OP had a lot of good info and I wish the thread weren't up to 12 pages with the standard helicoptering parent debate. To the extent any other masochists have made it through this thread as far as I have, I'd add:

1) For your kids moving off-campus or living in dorms that have suites where they have to clean their own bathrooms and kitchens -- make sure they know how to clean common living areas. This is a high school skill but may need some refreshing. I had no issue buying and sending my kid with the tools and products he needed so he wouldn't waste money on ineffective products, and going over with him how to clean a sink, toilet, counters, stove, etc.

2) Make sure you have the legal paperwork in order before your kid leaves for school. The whole HIPAA thing kicks in -- you don't have the right to be involved in your kid's medical care, or know whether they're failing at school, unless they have signed waivers/power of attorney forms. I went through Mama Bear Legal Forms although I'm sure there are similar services available. Make sure you do state-specific forms.

Well, you clearly aren't interested in any constructive feedback people are providing about helicoptering. Doesn't the very fact that the company is called "Mama Bear" say anything to you about the appropriateness of this? You all think you have open, caring relationships, but yet, you need legal forms to know your kids' grades? If the smothering is so effective, why aren't they just telling you their grades? If your child is incapacitated, you do not need legal forms to act in his interest. That legal form is only so you can monitor if they get an STD and a prescription for birth control. The debate is standard because it's so unfuriating to read stuff like this. These poor 18-year-olds!

OMG! You are absolutely insane. And no, I don't think anyone on this thread is interested in your "constructive feedback" about helicoptering. The reason people get these forms completed is related to HIPAA, not grades. If your kid was admitted to the hospital (over 18) and you need to speak to a doctor about their condition, you simply cannot without this release in place. So you're saying, that you are comfortable with that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our daughter’s freshman year was last year. We sent the world’s best first aid kit and a COVID bug out bag in case she got sick and moved to the isolation dorm. Thankfully, neither she nor her roommate got sick and both got vaccinated as soon as they could. Encourage them to use the resources at their school. They have a free gym membership. Ours has a lake with free kayaks and canoes and camping trips. There are career counselors and festivals, etc. There was free outdoor ice skating during Covid last year - our daughter and her roommate went several times. Her school requires on campus living the first 2 years so we didn’t have to worry about off campus housing right away. She is living off campus next year and will be able to stay in the house for two years if this year works out.

I would really love to know what school this is! It sounds great.

I thought the OP had a lot of good info and I wish the thread weren't up to 12 pages with the standard helicoptering parent debate. To the extent any other masochists have made it through this thread as far as I have, I'd add:

1) For your kids moving off-campus or living in dorms that have suites where they have to clean their own bathrooms and kitchens -- make sure they know how to clean common living areas. This is a high school skill but may need some refreshing. I had no issue buying and sending my kid with the tools and products he needed so he wouldn't waste money on ineffective products, and going over with him how to clean a sink, toilet, counters, stove, etc.

2) Make sure you have the legal paperwork in order before your kid leaves for school. The whole HIPAA thing kicks in -- you don't have the right to be involved in your kid's medical care, or know whether they're failing at school, unless they have signed waivers/power of attorney forms. I went through Mama Bear Legal Forms although I'm sure there are similar services available. Make sure you do state-specific forms.

Well, you clearly aren't interested in any constructive feedback people are providing about helicoptering. Doesn't the very fact that the company is called "Mama Bear" say anything to you about the appropriateness of this? You all think you have open, caring relationships, but yet, you need legal forms to know your kids' grades? If the smothering is so effective, why aren't they just telling you their grades? If your child is incapacitated, you do not need legal forms to act in his interest. That legal form is only so you can monitor if they get an STD and a prescription for birth control. The debate is standard because it's so unfuriating to read stuff like this. These poor 18-year-olds!

I really wish you'd crawl back into whatever hole you normally live in PP. Go away if you do not wish to read about the topic being discussed. You are not helpful. You are an insufferable, arrogant "know it all" and honestly i feel sorry for your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Haha wow all this discussion on helicoptering. When that comes up on this board, I always think, what a miserable human being that you have to comment on someone else’s parenting.

I just got off the phone with my DD Who called me on her way to pick up lunch. We talked about her classes, her health (she has strep), her summer job prospects, how packing to come home is going etc. I mean just normal conversation, do you people seriously not talk to your kids?

I couldn’t feel less shame for how I parent my kids and I am happy they stay in touch with me just to chat or ask my advice. I almost never call them, unless I need something urgently. I have left it up to them and they still choose to speak to me often. I am happy about that and don’t feel the least bit bad about it.

Same. My Mom and I were great friends as adults. I am a very independent adult, but I appreciated my parents’ advice as long as they were living, and I miss not having them to talk to now. I would be so sad if my kid never called and asked for my advice again. Why is that considered to be a good thing?

That’s really not what people are talking about here. Talking to your parents and asking them for reasonable advice is different than having your parents provide basic over the counter meds for you that you could pick up at CVS.

At the beginning of this thread, when parents of actual freshmen were offering helpful advice about what they'd learned this year, many posters mentioned that they wished they'd sent a first-aid kit to college with their freshman. Seems like a good point, and I'm going to do it when my kid goes to college in a few years.

Agree. I'm glad someone mentioned the first aid kit and it's now on my list for my kid when he goes off to college. People saying that this is coddling are not the kind of parent I want to be.

Of course an 18 year old can walk to CVS and get their own meds. But imagine being sick for the first time away from home, and instead of trudging to the drug store when you have that first cold or injury, you have a care package from your parents waiting for you there instead. If that is being a helicopter I'm here for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Haha wow all this discussion on helicoptering. When that comes up on this board, I always think, what a miserable human being that you have to comment on someone else’s parenting.

I just got off the phone with my DD Who called me on her way to pick up lunch. We talked about her classes, her health (she has strep), her summer job prospects, how packing to come home is going etc. I mean just normal conversation, do you people seriously not talk to your kids?

I couldn’t feel less shame for how I parent my kids and I am happy they stay in touch with me just to chat or ask my advice. I almost never call them, unless I need something urgently. I have left it up to them and they still choose to speak to me often. I am happy about that and don’t feel the least bit bad about it.

Same. My Mom and I were great friends as adults. I am a very independent adult, but I appreciated my parents’ advice as long as they were living, and I miss not having them to talk to now. I would be so sad if my kid never called and asked for my advice again. Why is that considered to be a good thing?

That’s really not what people are talking about here. Talking to your parents and asking them for reasonable advice is different than having your parents provide basic over the counter meds for you that you could pick up at CVS.

At the beginning of this thread, when parents of actual freshmen were offering helpful advice about what they'd learned this year, many posters mentioned that they wished they'd sent a first-aid kit to college with their freshman. Seems like a good point, and I'm going to do it when my kid goes to college in a few years.

Agree. I'm glad someone mentioned the first aid kit and it's now on my list for my kid when he goes off to college. People saying that this is coddling are not the kind of parent I want to be.

Of course an 18 year old can walk to CVS and get their own meds. But imagine being sick for the first time away from home, and instead of trudging to the drug store when you have that first cold or injury, you have a care package from your parents waiting for you there instead. If that is being a helicopter I'm here for it.

+1 most families have things like that in their house and available to any family member who gets sick. If someone feels like it’s helicoptering to send someone to college with similar things, it really just reflects poorly on their own traumas and triggers.