Tell me about your decision to stay put in a neighborhood where you were on the social outs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lesson I've learned after living in a few different places and having one bad neighborhood experience is to always lay intentionally low for the first two years to see where the battle lines fall in a neighborhood. Who gets along with whom? Who is the neighborhood gossip, the backbiter, the free babysitter seeker? It is always there, somewhere. In my current neighborhood, the long-standing battle was revealed in a neighborhood text thread. I was immediately thankful I had remained a largely blank slate. I remain pleasant, but aloof. Elusive. I can never make the block party, we have a conflict, have fun! I have put myself on the social outs intentionally.

this is so true. dcum always has threads asking for family-friendly neighborhoods, which i get of course, but without warnings as to the social pitfalls ahead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lesson I've learned after living in a few different places and having one bad neighborhood experience is to always lay intentionally low for the first two years to see where the battle lines fall in a neighborhood. Who gets along with whom? Who is the neighborhood gossip, the backbiter, the free babysitter seeker? It is always there, somewhere. In my current neighborhood, the long-standing battle was revealed in a neighborhood text thread. I was immediately thankful I had remained a largely blank slate. I remain pleasant, but aloof. Elusive. I can never make the block party, we have a conflict, have fun! I have put myself on the social outs intentionally.

This is exactly the way to go. Learned the hard way.

[Anonymous]

OP, as one of those who answered your question and isn't bothered by the neighborhood "social outs," I think it varies from person to person.

I don't enjoy spending time with those who have cut us out (it's a weight lifted not to have to come up with excuses for why we can't attend) and our kids feel the same way about those kids so we'd never move because of it. It just doesn't carry that weight for us.

You have to be honest with yourself though. If it bothers you and your kids then it might be worth looking into a move.

Are you able to shift your focus? Not let these people bother you? Only you can answer how much the interaction (or lack there of) bothers you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m here to hear about your decision to stay in a neighborhood where you or your family experienced ostracizing, exclusion or social cruelty.

Neighborhood families who previously hung out split into two fractions after an ugly fight. We feel uncomfortable with both groups’ behaviors - but that also means no invites for our kids. We’ve decided to stay, and I’ve love to hear from other people who’ve ridden this stuff out.

What? This stuff actually happens? How can some adults be so childish.

NP. Hard to believe that adults can be so childish, but they are. We are not in your exact situation, but I guess it's somewhat similar. We were recently made aware of something going around on social media about our high-school DS that was an absolute 100% falsehood and the school administration knows it is a falsehood. The principal said that there is nothing they can do about it because they can't tell who started it. I think it was started by some drama-seeking girls and, sadly, their parents are doing nothing to stop them. DS doesn't even seem aware of it. The plus for us is that the whole experience has shown us who our real friends are, and we don't expend any mental energy on non-friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m here to hear about your decision to stay in a neighborhood where you or your family experienced ostracizing, exclusion or social cruelty.

Neighborhood families who previously hung out split into two fractions after an ugly fight. We feel uncomfortable with both groups’ behaviors - but that also means no invites for our kids. We’ve decided to stay, and I’ve love to hear from other people who’ve ridden this stuff out.

What? This stuff actually happens? How can some adults be so childish.

NP. Hard to believe that adults can be so childish, but they are. We are not in your exact situation, but I guess it's somewhat similar. We were recently made aware of something going around on social media about our high-school DS that was an absolute 100% falsehood and the school administration knows it is a falsehood. The principal said that there is nothing they can do about it because they can't tell who started it. I think it was started by some drama-seeking girls and, sadly, their parents are doing nothing to stop them. DS doesn't even seem aware of it. The plus for us is that the whole experience has shown us who our real friends are, and we don't expend any mental energy on non-friends.

I am so grateful my preteen kid isn’t on social media.

But at the same time, this is horrific.

[Anonymous]

Dear OP-

I know it’s a weird thing to have to repeat- but it seems like you know now who is really your friend and who isn’t.

I would invite your real friends over for drinks. Have a good time. Put your focus on those people and your family. What you focus on is what you will attract. A bunch of similar responses have been said already. And it appears that this is not an uncommon problem. Stay off of social media. And thank everyone afterwards via text.

I hope that gives you reassurance. I don’t know what else to say not knowing the details to actually judge the circumstances, but I was never and still am not the popular girl. But that’s a good thing as an adult. I see how people feel like they have to give to so many to fit in. You don’t. Just focus on who you care about the most.

Every thing else is bs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dear OP-

I know it’s a weird thing to have to repeat- but it seems like you know now who is really your friend and who isn’t.

I would invite your real friends over for drinks. Have a good time. Put your focus on those people and your family. What you focus on is what you will attract. A bunch of similar responses have been said already. And it appears that this is not an uncommon problem. Stay off of social media. And thank everyone afterwards via text.

I hope that gives you reassurance. I don’t know what else to say not knowing the details to actually judge the circumstances, but I was never and still am not the popular girl. But that’s a good thing as an adult. I see how people feel like they have to give to so many to fit in. You don’t. Just focus on who you care about the most.

Every thing else is bs.

+1

Well said. Op, **avoid** the moms that are stuck in high school - they peaked way back then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, as one of those who answered your question and isn't bothered by the neighborhood "social outs," I think it varies from person to person.

I don't enjoy spending time with those who have cut us out (it's a weight lifted not to have to come up with excuses for why we can't attend) and our kids feel the same way about those kids so we'd never move because of it. It just doesn't carry that weight for us.

You have to be honest with yourself though. If it bothers you and your kids then it might be worth looking into a move.

Are you able to shift your focus? Not let these people bother you? Only you can answer how much the interaction (or lack there of) bothers you.

I don't think it has to bother OP at all to move - OP might just find another house and/or neighborhood she prefers - which doesn't seem all that difficult, given the drama.

OP, you are not the first, nor will you be the last if you chose to go elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lesson I've learned after living in a few different places and having one bad neighborhood experience is to always lay intentionally low for the first two years to see where the battle lines fall in a neighborhood. Who gets along with whom? Who is the neighborhood gossip, the backbiter, the free babysitter seeker? It is always there, somewhere. In my current neighborhood, the long-standing battle was revealed in a neighborhood text thread. I was immediately thankful I had remained a largely blank slate. I remain pleasant, but aloof. Elusive. I can never make the block party, we have a conflict, have fun! I have put myself on the social outs intentionally.

This is exactly the way to go. Learned the hard way.

+2

Those aren't your friends, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dear OP-

I know it’s a weird thing to have to repeat- but it seems like you know now who is really your friend and who isn’t.

I would invite your real friends over for drinks. Have a good time. Put your focus on those people and your family. What you focus on is what you will attract. A bunch of similar responses have been said already. And it appears that this is not an uncommon problem. Stay off of social media. And thank everyone afterwards via text.

I hope that gives you reassurance. I don’t know what else to say not knowing the details to actually judge the circumstances, but I was never and still am not the popular girl. But that’s a good thing as an adult. I see how people feel like they have to give to so many to fit in. You don’t. Just focus on who you care about the most.

Every thing else is bs.

You're so right. Thank you. - OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of our neighbors went to federal prison for massive fraud.


The couple was known to throw huge parties and take only their clique of fellow social strivers on lavish vacations and were very showy with their money. Joined the right faith community and clubs.

Oddly divisive in the neighborhood and school community with some pledging loyalty and writing character references or whatever that’s called in an attempt to lessen the sentence.

If you didn’t publicly show support (all over social media) or attend one of the many social gatherings the couple had thrown for them presentencing then you weren’t a friend. And this couple involved themselvesin just about every aspect of community living like HOA, PTA, sports, faith community, country club and charity work.

Bob?

[Anonymous]

I love my neighborhood and, at one time, the neighbor who doesn’t like me. Her initial seeking me out as a friend was angsty and intense and too much but I gave her a place. We commiserated. I was insecure due to being left by my husband for a new girlfriend and she was insecure about all kinds of things: her looks, the yard, her decorations, her computer abilities. After she hurt herself while walking with me, everything changed. She informed me her son recommended she not speak to me, something so weird and unexpected at the time, it made me laugh. That didn’t have the effect I thought it might because she just doubled down. Since then I’ve been ostracized on this block. New neighbors are friendly with me until she starts forming connections with them. I imagine she helps them out by warning them about me, much like she did for me with other neighbors when we were friends. I feel uneasy talking with others around here because I don’t know if the waters are poisoned or not. But I’ve discovered her jurisdiction, her rules for exclusion, don’t apply everywhere. I’ve planted a few roots here and there and savor friendly neighbor interactions beyond the radius of her control. Living in this situation is hard but I love my home and I’ve learned to ignore it. It’s all you can do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Similar issue as to PP re kids assuming right to play in our yard. A few friendly but direct conversations were held about the fact that our yard was not community property. Neighbors held a large, loud party. Party spilled into our yard with games being played that were tearing up our grass and then rocks being thrown into our yard. Things escalated leading to a physical assault. Cops were called and neighbor was arrested. Went to court and the neighbor was convicted of assault. We became the pariahs.

this!
THIS is the sort of "things that come with buying a house/choosing a neighborhood" that I never could have foreseen until I watched my own neighborhood social fabric rip apart. I wish I had known to treat neighbor interactions like HR at the office

👏🏼

[Anonymous]

I'd been looking for this thread! I remembered reading it, and at the time there was a lot of increasing tension in our neighborhood 'friend' group. Well months later it all came to a head.

It's a long story, but because of a volunteer position I held, I became aware of unethical and illegal actions being taken by another family that we were friends with. In order to save them selves, they started spreading nasty rumors about my family. It was very terrible for awhile, and I wanted to move. Now that close to two years have passed, I'm glad that I didn't.

I learned some facts about people who I thought were "friends". Guess what, most neighbors aren't really your friends - they are friends of convenience. Back in 2022, we were just coming out of two years of COVID, when those of us with young children were basically stuck at home or in our neighborhoods. There was a lot of time spent with neighbors and socializing with neighbors.

I learned who my actual friends are and hang out with them just as much today. Ultimately, the truth about what had occurred came out - despite the family continuing to lie and deny it. However, by now most people in our neighborhood realize that they are liars and bullies, so they're mostly avoided.

Lesson learned - the PP who said to treat neighbor relationships like HR is 100% spot on. Don't get immediately super close with people when you move to a neighborhood - find out more about people, but stay friendly. Like another PP said, there's the gossip, the liar, the "user", the phony. Similar dynamics exist with the husbands.

I made mistakes - I got too close to people, thought people were friends when they really weren't, and was too trusting. I won't do that again. We moved into our neighborhood over a decade ago, and I was younger and more naive about how people really are. The neighborhood family friends also seem to matter more when children are young. Once kids start getting involved in sports and activities, most families aren't around much on evenings and weekends, so there isn't as much time together - which was a blessing for me.

However, now I'm glad I didn't move. I wouldn't want to spend a penny or the amount of effort on moving to satisfy mean-girl and mean-guy bullies who haven't matured past high school levels. There is at least one in every neighborhood, and they're not always immediately identifiable.

[Anonymous]

This is all crazy to me. There is no social aspect to my neighborhood nor would I want one. We are respectful of each other but not friendly. Typical conversation - “hey we are hosting an event for museum x next month, do we need to clue your Secret Service detail into the logistics” or “how is your puppy.” The biggest actual interactions are between our staffs/workers visiting our homes.