Tell me about your decision to stay put in a neighborhood where you were on the social outs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most families don’t have the ability to just pack up and leave a neighborhood due to a fight with neighbors. How bizarre.

Agreed. I don't want to make a serious financial decision over a social gaffe that doesn't even really involve me

You said it yourself, it doesn't involve you. Forget about it. Live your life and stop worrying.

[Anonymous]

OP, I assume whatever this issue was, it became legal? Were you drawn in as a witness or were you asked to pick sides? I'm trying to understand how your family is the one that has been ostracized? Are you being less than transparent about who your family is in this scenario? Are you actually one of the two battling families. Please explain how it is you are the family that's on the outs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Similar issue as to PP re kids assuming right to play in our yard. A few friendly but direct conversations were held about the fact that our yard was not community property

The above reminded me of something in our neighborhood, though decades ago. A family with kids moved in. All the neighborhood kids played on a small patch of grass between 2 houses. This was next to their house. It's where everyone met up. It's where all the games happened. Their kids would have immediately been part of this. Instead this family moved in, paid no attention, and roped off the play area to relandscape.

So you're arguing the new owners owed it to you to keep their yard as some sort of communal easement? You suck.

Agreed.

I don’t understand this mentality. Like what makes you think this is acceptable?

We had neighbors with this problem and they did the same thing- they roped it off. And here’s the thing- if you don’t teach your kids that it’s unacceptable to go through a persons property- you end up teaching your kid it’s ok to trespass.

People - it’s not your property. Stay off of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ahhhh, OP. I am going through the same thing.

My kids are pretty young. We live in our dream neighborhood. But because the property was owned by an elderly couple that wasn’t here half the year, the neighborhood kids played on our property a lot. And when we moved in, we had to establish some firm boundaries. No biggie- right? Just please don’t send your kids to hang out on our jungle gym and trampoline without permission from us. We don’t know your kids well enough to feel like this is in anyway shape ok.

This became a huge issue for one neighbor. I was actually told to move-that I wasn’t nice- and we had just moved into this house. But dear reader, would you let neighborhood kids just come over uninvited to your property? Just to make everyone happy so that their kids could have free babysitting on your playground equipment? What happens if they get hurt? What happens if they start crying for no reason? Or need to use the bathroom and knock on *your* door?

I’m giving it another year to settle down so that the kids find their own friendship circles- which so far has worked. My advice- don’t get sucked into the drama. At our age (30-40 ish), the people who talk about you behind your back are the ones to avoid the most- even if they consider you their friends. Make friends outside of this fiasco and never mention this person unless someone else brings it up. We were lucky enough to have friends in the area before we even moved here and they helped out a lot in calming us down. Invite the parents of your kids friends from school over. Or just one neighbor. It doesn’t matter.

The best thing to do of course- is to be an amazing mom to your kids. Focus on giving them joy and that joy will multiply.

This is OP. This means a lot. Thank you so much. I’m screenshotting this.

There was an accident in our neighborhood - not involving a car or a trampoline - and I don’t want to give identifying specifics, but something sort of like this dynamic you mention PP. Except something bad did happen, and it became very divisive with lots of finger-pointing. Not our kid and not our liability issue, but we were in the old friend circle that blew up after the accident. It’s just very sad. There are no winners.

PP here- my details up above were a little fudged too. I didn’t want to give it away because I know the neighbors read this site.

Give it time. Remember- and this is so important- people are busy with their own lives. Your anxiety about what is going on because of this event is self made because no one else has the bandwidth for this drama and those who do are probably jerks.

Also- this goes back to something that is so important- this is why adult friends are so rare and require work. Focus on the people you have. That will be more rewarding than trying to win back the people you lost because those people weren’t your people to begin with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Similar issue as to PP re kids assuming right to play in our yard. A few friendly but direct conversations were held about the fact that our yard was not community property. Neighbors held a large, loud party. Party spilled into our yard with games being played that were tearing up our grass and then rocks being thrown into our yard. Things escalated leading to a physical assault. Cops were called and neighbor was arrested. Went to court and the neighbor was convicted of assault. We became the pariahs.

Ugh! That's awful.
I must make sure to put up a fence next time I move.

Yes, fences make good neighbors. Our neighbors did a major renovation on a 1938 colonial, rain barrel and all. Beautiful renovation, then they turned out to be complete slobs and their kids seemed to get off running through our yard and touring our other neighbors dogs who were fenced in their backyard. Fast forward a few years of living beside these slobs and their weeds and poison oak and ivy everywhere, we had a fence installed while they were at work. No, we did not warn them, and that was intentional. Once they redirected their run off into our yard we had enough. And yes, we called the permit office and they did NOTHING. Mud all over our walkway and driveway every time it rained. Priceless to see some of the worst neighbors I've ever lived beside shocked when they came home to see a six foot board on board fence buried into the ground. No more poison ivy, no more weeds and no more using my yard to torture someone else's pet. So peaceful. And no, I don't give two F s if they ever speak to me again.

[Anonymous]

touring sb. torturing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m here to hear about your decision to stay in a neighborhood where you or your family experienced ostracizing, exclusion or social cruelty.

Neighborhood families who previously hung out split into two fractions after an ugly fight. We feel uncomfortable with both groups’ behaviors - but that also means no invites for our kids. We’ve decided to stay, and I’ve love to hear from other people who’ve ridden this stuff out.

What? This stuff actually happens? How can some adults be so childish.

+1

Why on earth would anyone choose to stay in such a toxic, vapid, ugly place???

Life is truly too short, OP. Surely your people are any where else!

Good god.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ahhhh, OP. I am going through the same thing.

My kids are pretty young. We live in our dream neighborhood. But because the property was owned by an elderly couple that wasn’t here half the year, the neighborhood kids played on our property a lot. And when we moved in, we had to establish some firm boundaries. No biggie- right? Just please don’t send your kids to hang out on our jungle gym and trampoline without permission from us. We don’t know your kids well enough to feel like this is in anyway shape ok.

This became a huge issue for one neighbor. I was actually told to move-that I wasn’t nice- and we had just moved into this house. But dear reader, would you let neighborhood kids just come over uninvited to your property? Just to make everyone happy so that their kids could have free babysitting on your playground equipment? What happens if they get hurt? What happens if they start crying for no reason? Or need to use the bathroom and knock on *your* door?

I’m giving it another year to settle down so that the kids find their own friendship circles- which so far has worked. My advice- don’t get sucked into the drama. At our age (30-40 ish), the people who talk about you behind your back are the ones to avoid the most- even if they consider you their friends. Make friends outside of this fiasco and never mention this person unless someone else brings it up. We were lucky enough to have friends in the area before we even moved here and they helped out a lot in calming us down. Invite the parents of your kids friends from school over. Or just one neighbor. It doesn’t matter.

The best thing to do of course- is to be an amazing mom to your kids. Focus on giving them joy and that joy will multiply.

This is OP. This means a lot. Thank you so much. I’m screenshotting this.

There was an accident in our neighborhood - not involving a car or a trampoline - and I don’t want to give identifying specifics, but something sort of like this dynamic you mention PP. Except something bad did happen, and it became very divisive with lots of finger-pointing. Not our kid and not our liability issue, but we were in the old friend circle that blew up after the accident. It’s just very sad. There are no winners.

NP. We stayed put in our formerly insular neighborhood and let the the agitators move away! Only half kidding here, but time helps. Our neighborhood also had a horrible event that divided the neighborhood friend group. Add to that your run of the mill divorces, financial ruin, a spouse’s death and everything splintered.

Yes - turn inward to your own DH and DC. Get help for yourselves and each other. Find other friend groups and activities apart from the old gang. Make new friends. Talk about what’s going on, too - why, maybe you are stepping back from certain families (one situation for us involved drug use and the family’s dismissive attitude and acceptance, another family had a DC who repeatedly harmed and ganged up my DC and on other neighbor children - our concerns were ignored and rebuffed) …be kind and polite and never confrontational to the other families, but don’t seek out their company.

Thank you PP!
I am also hoping some of the others move while we stay put.
And yes, it was a horrible event, way beyond the neighborhood gossip or queen bee mom or the one guy flying a QAnon flag. I’m not saying it for identifying reasons, but i can tell that some posters don’t have an idea of the seriousness. When there is a neighborhood group of families and then something very serious happens in that group - a child severely injured at neighborhood party, for example, or an accusation of sexual assault at a neighborhood parent event that some people believe and some don’t - i assure you all that your sweet group of kids who ride bikes together while the parents chat in the driveway can just *end* and the fallout for all involved lasts years.

OP - was this event in the news and discussed on this site previously? I really hope it's not the tragic event I'm thinking of. Beyond tragic really.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Similar issue as to PP re kids assuming right to play in our yard. A few friendly but direct conversations were held about the fact that our yard was not community property

The above reminded me of something in our neighborhood, though decades ago. A family with kids moved in. All the neighborhood kids played on a small patch of grass between 2 houses. This was next to their house. It's where everyone met up. It's where all the games happened. Their kids would have immediately been part of this. Instead this family moved in, paid no attention, and roped off the play area to relandscape.

So you're arguing the new owners owed it to you to keep their yard as some sort of communal easement? You suck.

Agreed.

I don’t understand this mentality. Like what makes you think this is acceptable?

We had neighbors with this problem and they did the same thing- they roped it off. And here’s the thing- if you don’t teach your kids that it’s unacceptable to go through a persons property- you end up teaching your kid it’s ok to trespass.

People - it’s not your property. Stay off of it.

X10000000

[Anonymous]

My mom (70s) is now good buddies with her neighbor (90s) with whom we "feuded" my whole childhood because neighbor didn't like our remodel, kid noises, pets, etc. The two of them hang out a bunch and my mom bakes for her.

If you give it time and treat people normally, it will resolve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Similar issue as to PP re kids assuming right to play in our yard. A few friendly but direct conversations were held about the fact that our yard was not community property. Neighbors held a large, loud party. Party spilled into our yard with games being played that were tearing up our grass and then rocks being thrown into our yard. Things escalated leading to a physical assault. Cops were called and neighbor was arrested. Went to court and the neighbor was convicted of assault. We became the pariahs.

Everyone involved sounds trashy. I'm sorry

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My. I'm glad I live in a leafy quiet neighborhood where everyone barely knows their neighbors beyond a pleasant nod when walking the dogs.

I think it's a non-verbal agreement in such areas that people stay pleasant and neighborly but not really try to get close and form friendships. I used to live in a very dense urban family area (apartments) where people knew each other and there was a strong sense of community. There were factions formed by moms/dads based on schools kids attended or social activities, sports, etc, but not much animosity. Some factions silently despised other factions, but nobody made anyone miserable purposely and all kids could play together in public places. There were people I didn't like and people who didn't like me, and we ran into each other (density does it to you), but because there was so much "other fish in the sea" it was a non issue.

I guess OP is living in the middle of these two extremes. I didn't have to watch my back much in a very dense neighborhood or in a low density one where neighbors don't socialize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ahhhh, OP. I am going through the same thing.

My kids are pretty young. We live in our dream neighborhood. But because the property was owned by an elderly couple that wasn’t here half the year, the neighborhood kids played on our property a lot. And when we moved in, we had to establish some firm boundaries. No biggie- right? Just please don’t send your kids to hang out on our jungle gym and trampoline without permission from us. We don’t know your kids well enough to feel like this is in anyway shape ok.

This became a huge issue for one neighbor. I was actually told to move-that I wasn’t nice- and we had just moved into this house. But dear reader, would you let neighborhood kids just come over uninvited to your property? Just to make everyone happy so that their kids could have free babysitting on your playground equipment? What happens if they get hurt? What happens if they start crying for no reason? Or need to use the bathroom and knock on *your* door?

I’m giving it another year to settle down so that the kids find their own friendship circles- which so far has worked. My advice- don’t get sucked into the drama. At our age (30-40 ish), the people who talk about you behind your back are the ones to avoid the most- even if they consider you their friends. Make friends outside of this fiasco and never mention this person unless someone else brings it up. We were lucky enough to have friends in the area before we even moved here and they helped out a lot in calming us down. Invite the parents of your kids friends from school over. Or just one neighbor. It doesn’t matter.

The best thing to do of course- is to be an amazing mom to your kids. Focus on giving them joy and that joy will multiply.

+1

Well said! Happy attracts happy - misery attracts misery, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Similar issue as to PP re kids assuming right to play in our yard. A few friendly but direct conversations were held about the fact that our yard was not community property. Neighbors held a large, loud party. Party spilled into our yard with games being played that were tearing up our grass and then rocks being thrown into our yard. Things escalated leading to a physical assault. Cops were called and neighbor was arrested. Went to court and the neighbor was convicted of assault. We became the pariahs.

Ugh! That's awful.
I must make sure to put up a fence next time I move.

Yes, fences make good neighbors. Our neighbors did a major renovation on a 1938 colonial, rain barrel and all. Beautiful renovation, then they turned out to be complete slobs and their kids seemed to get off running through our yard and touring our other neighbors dogs who were fenced in their backyard. Fast forward a few years of living beside these slobs and their weeds and poison oak and ivy everywhere, we had a fence installed while they were at work. No, we did not warn them, and that was intentional. Once they redirected their run off into our yard we had enough. And yes, we called the permit office and they did NOTHING. Mud all over our walkway and driveway every time it rained. Priceless to see some of the worst neighbors I've ever lived beside shocked when they came home to see a six foot board on board fence buried into the ground. No more poison ivy, no more weeds and no more using my yard to torture someone else's pet. So peaceful. And no, I don't give two F s if they ever speak to me again.

THIS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My. I'm glad I live in a leafy quiet neighborhood where everyone barely knows their neighbors beyond a pleasant nod when walking the dogs.

+ 1,000,000.

Same!