Tell me about your decision to stay put in a neighborhood where you were on the social outs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP, and I just want to emphasize a point made by others. Sane people quickly learn who the gossips are and do not believe what they say at face value. In fact, once the gossipers are identified, the sane people typically regard anything coming out of the gossipers’ mouths with great cynicism.

Wishing drama-free neighborhood living in the years ahead for you and your family, OP.

This!

Give it time, OP, it will happen. In our neighborhood people are still friendly with the gossips and even socialize with them some but trust a word out of their mouths? Not one word. There's one woman who talks endlessly about another woman. Two of the husbands play a game where they bet how long it till take for the gossip to work the other woman's name into the conversation. You can see them point at their watches.

Yep! The ones that are the loudest are the ones that you don’t want to get involved with.

Actually, my mother said don't trust the quiet ones - and THAT is spot on. They are the ones who apend too much time on the phone, gossiping away. You need to pay closer attention.

[Anonymous]

Posts like this are difficult because of all the obscured details. Is it a big deal or a little deal that got blown out of proportion? OP, WHO CARES if anyone from your neighborhood sees this and recognizes the location/situation? They're not speaking to you anyhow! What really went down?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ahhhh, OP. I am going through the same thing.

My kids are pretty young. We live in our dream neighborhood. But because the property was owned by an elderly couple that wasn’t here half the year, the neighborhood kids played on our property a lot. And when we moved in, we had to establish some firm boundaries. No biggie- right? Just please don’t send your kids to hang out on our jungle gym and trampoline without permission from us. We don’t know your kids well enough to feel like this is in anyway shape ok.

This became a huge issue for one neighbor. I was actually told to move-that I wasn’t nice- and we had just moved into this house. But dear reader, would you let neighborhood kids just come over uninvited to your property? Just to make everyone happy so that their kids could have free babysitting on your playground equipment? What happens if they get hurt? What happens if they start crying for no reason? Or need to use the bathroom and knock on *your* door?

I’m giving it another year to settle down so that the kids find their own friendship circles- which so far has worked. My advice- don’t get sucked into the drama. At our age (30-40 ish), the people who talk about you behind your back are the ones to avoid the most- even if they consider you their friends. Make friends outside of this fiasco and never mention this person unless someone else brings it up. We were lucky enough to have friends in the area before we even moved here and they helped out a lot in calming us down. Invite the parents of your kids friends from school over. Or just one neighbor. It doesn’t matter.

The best thing to do of course- is to be an amazing mom to your kids. Focus on giving them joy and that joy will multiply.

This is OP. This means a lot. Thank you so much. I’m screenshotting this.

There was an accident in our neighborhood - not involving a car or a trampoline - and I don’t want to give identifying specifics, but something sort of like this dynamic you mention PP. Except something bad did happen, and it became very divisive with lots of finger-pointing. Not our kid and not our liability issue, but we were in the old friend circle that blew up after the accident. It’s just very sad. There are no winners.

NP. We stayed put in our formerly insular neighborhood and let the the agitators move away! Only half kidding here, but time helps. Our neighborhood also had a horrible event that divided the neighborhood friend group. Add to that your run of the mill divorces, financial ruin, a spouse’s death and everything splintered.

Yes - turn inward to your own DH and DC. Get help for yourselves and each other. Find other friend groups and activities apart from the old gang. Make new friends. Talk about what’s going on, too - why, maybe you are stepping back from certain families (one situation for us involved drug use and the family’s dismissive attitude and acceptance, another family had a DC who repeatedly harmed and ganged up my DC and on other neighbor children - our concerns were ignored and rebuffed) …be kind and polite and never confrontational to the other families, but don’t seek out their company.

Thank you PP!
I am also hoping some of the others move while we stay put.
And yes, it was a horrible event, way beyond the neighborhood gossip or queen bee mom or the one guy flying a QAnon flag. I’m not saying it for identifying reasons, but i can tell that some posters don’t have an idea of the seriousness. When there is a neighborhood group of families and then something very serious happens in that group - a child severely injured at neighborhood party, for example, or an accusation of sexual assault at a neighborhood parent event that some people believe and some don’t - i assure you all that your sweet group of kids who ride bikes together while the parents chat in the driveway can just *end* and the fallout for all involved lasts years.

OP - was this event in the news and discussed on this site previously? I really hope it's not the tragic event I'm thinking of. Beyond tragic really.

Yes, it was an event that was on the news
No, it is not local to DCUMland or previously discussed on here, but it was an event you could Google.
Either way, that’s why I’m here - was just looking for any other folks who stayed in their neighborhood after a serious trauma that created divisions and pain. Yes, some of the folks who ostracized us are the ones who were the bad actors and i was unwilling to pretend like nothing happened or anything that would make me feel enabling or complicit. The folks chiming in about fences and grass seed, or think I’m actually a bad actor hiding my family’s nefarious role, are unbelievably blessed to be unable to relate or have any idea, really.
The thing is, we really are happy here otherwise, and part of what keeps me here is knowing this event will always be part of our life story even if we moved to rural Ohio, so moving is moot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Posts like this are difficult because of all the obscured details. Is it a big deal or a little deal that got blown out of proportion? OP, WHO CARES if anyone from your neighborhood sees this and recognizes the location/situation? They're not speaking to you anyhow! What really went down?

Do you have a story about living through something like this? OP is not asking for advice. She is asking for stories. That’s how people feel less isolated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Similar issue as to PP re kids assuming right to play in our yard. A few friendly but direct conversations were held about the fact that our yard was not community property

The above reminded me of something in our neighborhood, though decades ago. A family with kids moved in. All the neighborhood kids played on a small patch of grass between 2 houses. This was next to their house. It's where everyone met up. It's where all the games happened. Their kids would have immediately been part of this. Instead this family moved in, paid no attention, and roped off the play area to relandscape.

So you're arguing the new owners owed it to you to keep their yard as some sort of communal easement? You suck.

+1
Who are all these entitled people?!?

[Anonymous]

OP, over time new people moving into the neighborhood will not be basing their relationhip -with you- on this. How are you at befriending families/other women younger than yourself?

[Anonymous]

You don't have to be friends with these people but why are your children being left out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't have to be friends with these people but why are your children being left out?

parents of preschool and elementary school aged kids engineer those relationships, playdates and parties. that topic has been covered in many other threads. it almost totally passes once the kids reach middle school.

[Anonymous]

I’ve seen this in my neighborhood. Husband in couple “A” was cheating with wife of couple “B”. It blew up both marriages and people picked sides. Some people not involved in the cheating were also ostracized because they knew it was happening and said nothing. It’s kind of a mess, but I’m on the periphery so am only watching it happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve seen this in my neighborhood. Husband in couple “A” was cheating with wife of couple “B”. It blew up both marriages and people picked sides. Some people not involved in the cheating were also ostracized because they knew it was happening and said nothing. It’s kind of a mess, but I’m on the periphery so am only watching it happen.

Wanted to add, if I were either of the cheating parties, I’d move.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve seen this in my neighborhood. Husband in couple “A” was cheating with wife of couple “B”. It blew up both marriages and people picked sides. Some people not involved in the cheating were also ostracized because they knew it was happening and said nothing. It’s kind of a mess, but I’m on the periphery so am only watching it happen.

Something like this happened to my friend. Her husband cheated with a neighbor, and my friend and husband got divorced. He moved out and in with the affair partner. When others in the neighborhood - who knew what happened - would invite my friend's ex and the affair partner to neighborhood parties, my friend found it so incredibly insensitive that she almost moved.

[Anonymous]

This thread reinforces the need to expand friendships outside of your neighborhood. I know people who live and die for their neighborhood friends- almost like a clique. They do everything together from barbeques to wine nights to vacations but once it disintegrates, it's the end of the world for these people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread reinforces the need to expand friendships outside of your neighborhood. I know people who live and die for their neighborhood friends- almost like a clique. They do everything together from barbeques to wine nights to vacations but once it disintegrates, it's the end of the world for these people.

+1

It's also a good idea to have friendships of different levels even within the neighborhood. We have a small group of good friends and it's a good reminder to me not to focus on them too much. I like their company so much! And, frankly, it's hard to maintain those non-neighborhood social circles. Still, important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ahhhh, OP. I am going through the same thing.

My kids are pretty young. We live in our dream neighborhood. But because the property was owned by an elderly couple that wasn’t here half the year, the neighborhood kids played on our property a lot. And when we moved in, we had to establish some firm boundaries. No biggie- right? Just please don’t send your kids to hang out on our jungle gym and trampoline without permission from us. We don’t know your kids well enough to feel like this is in anyway shape ok.

This became a huge issue for one neighbor. I was actually told to move-that I wasn’t nice- and we had just moved into this house. But dear reader, would you let neighborhood kids just come over uninvited to your property? Just to make everyone happy so that their kids could have free babysitting on your playground equipment? What happens if they get hurt? What happens if they start crying for no reason? Or need to use the bathroom and knock on *your* door?

I’m giving it another year to settle down so that the kids find their own friendship circles- which so far has worked. My advice- don’t get sucked into the drama. At our age (30-40 ish), the people who talk about you behind your back are the ones to avoid the most- even if they consider you their friends. Make friends outside of this fiasco and never mention this person unless someone else brings it up. We were lucky enough to have friends in the area before we even moved here and they helped out a lot in calming us down. Invite the parents of your kids friends from school over. Or just one neighbor. It doesn’t matter.

The best thing to do of course- is to be an amazing mom to your kids. Focus on giving them joy and that joy will multiply.

This is OP. This means a lot. Thank you so much. I’m screenshotting this.

There was an accident in our neighborhood - not involving a car or a trampoline - and I don’t want to give identifying specifics, but something sort of like this dynamic you mention PP. Except something bad did happen, and it became very divisive with lots of finger-pointing. Not our kid and not our liability issue, but we were in the old friend circle that blew up after the accident. It’s just very sad. There are no winners.

NP. We stayed put in our formerly insular neighborhood and let the the agitators move away! Only half kidding here, but time helps. Our neighborhood also had a horrible event that divided the neighborhood friend group. Add to that your run of the mill divorces, financial ruin, a spouse’s death and everything splintered.

Yes - turn inward to your own DH and DC. Get help for yourselves and each other. Find other friend groups and activities apart from the old gang. Make new friends. Talk about what’s going on, too - why, maybe you are stepping back from certain families (one situation for us involved drug use and the family’s dismissive attitude and acceptance, another family had a DC who repeatedly harmed and ganged up my DC and on other neighbor children - our concerns were ignored and rebuffed) …be kind and polite and never confrontational to the other families, but don’t seek out their company.

Thank you PP!
I am also hoping some of the others move while we stay put.
And yes, it was a horrible event, way beyond the neighborhood gossip or queen bee mom or the one guy flying a QAnon flag. I’m not saying it for identifying reasons, but i can tell that some posters don’t have an idea of the seriousness. When there is a neighborhood group of families and then something very serious happens in that group - a child severely injured at neighborhood party, for example, or an accusation of sexual assault at a neighborhood parent event that some people believe and some don’t - i assure you all that your sweet group of kids who ride bikes together while the parents chat in the driveway can just *end* and the fallout for all involved lasts years.

OP - was this event in the news and discussed on this site previously? I really hope it's not the tragic event I'm thinking of. Beyond tragic really.

Yes, it was an event that was on the news
No, it is not local to DCUMland or previously discussed on here, but it was an event you could Google.
Either way, that’s why I’m here - was just looking for any other folks who stayed in their neighborhood after a serious trauma that created divisions and pain. Yes, some of the folks who ostracized us are the ones who were the bad actors and i was unwilling to pretend like nothing happened or anything that would make me feel enabling or complicit. The folks chiming in about fences and grass seed, or think I’m actually a bad actor hiding my family’s nefarious role, are unbelievably blessed to be unable to relate or have any idea, really.
The thing is, we really are happy here otherwise, and part of what keeps me here is knowing this event will always be part of our life story even if we moved to rural Ohio, so moving is moot.

OP, I'm sorry for the victims. I understand why the bad actors don't want to be friends with you, and it sounds like you're better off without them. The thing that's still perplexing is why do the victims and other people ostracize you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve seen this in my neighborhood. Husband in couple “A” was cheating with wife of couple “B”. It blew up both marriages and people picked sides. Some people not involved in the cheating were also ostracized because they knew it was happening and said nothing. It’s kind of a mess, but I’m on the periphery so am only watching it happen.

Something like this happened to my friend. Her husband cheated with a neighbor, and my friend and husband got divorced. He moved out and in with the affair partner. When others in the neighborhood - who knew what happened - would invite my friend's ex and the affair partner to neighborhood parties, my friend found it so incredibly insensitive that she almost moved.

Ugh. This thread just keeps getting trashier. Bye!
(OP, sorry for your stressful situation but it’s time to let this thread go.)