Tell me about your decision to stay put in a neighborhood where you were on the social outs

[Anonymous]

One of our neighbors went to federal prison for massive fraud.


The couple was known to throw huge parties and take only their clique of fellow social strivers on lavish vacations and were very showy with their money. Joined the right faith community and clubs.

Oddly divisive in the neighborhood and school community with some pledging loyalty and writing character references or whatever that’s called in an attempt to lessen the sentence.

If you didn’t publicly show support (all over social media) or attend one of the many social gatherings the couple had thrown for them presentencing then you weren’t a friend. And this couple involved themselvesin just about every aspect of community living like HOA, PTA, sports, faith community, country club and charity work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Similar issue as to PP re kids assuming right to play in our yard. A few friendly but direct conversations were held about the fact that our yard was not community property

The above reminded me of something in our neighborhood, though decades ago. A family with kids moved in. All the neighborhood kids played on a small patch of grass between 2 houses. This was next to their house. It's where everyone met up. It's where all the games happened. Their kids would have immediately been part of this. Instead this family moved in, paid no attention, and roped off the play area to relandscape.

So the new family wanted to use THEIR property for THEIR play area? How rude!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ahhhh, OP. I am going through the same thing.

My kids are pretty young. We live in our dream neighborhood. But because the property was owned by an elderly couple that wasn’t here half the year, the neighborhood kids played on our property a lot. And when we moved in, we had to establish some firm boundaries. No biggie- right? Just please don’t send your kids to hang out on our jungle gym and trampoline without permission from us. We don’t know your kids well enough to feel like this is in anyway shape ok.

This became a huge issue for one neighbor. I was actually told to move-that I wasn’t nice- and we had just moved into this house. But dear reader, would you let neighborhood kids just come over uninvited to your property? Just to make everyone happy so that their kids could have free babysitting on your playground equipment? What happens if they get hurt? What happens if they start crying for no reason? Or need to use the bathroom and knock on *your* door?

I’m giving it another year to settle down so that the kids find their own friendship circles- which so far has worked. My advice- don’t get sucked into the drama. At our age (30-40 ish), the people who talk about you behind your back are the ones to avoid the most- even if they consider you their friends. Make friends outside of this fiasco and never mention this person unless someone else brings it up. We were lucky enough to have friends in the area before we even moved here and they helped out a lot in calming us down. Invite the parents of your kids friends from school over. Or just one neighbor. It doesn’t matter.

The best thing to do of course- is to be an amazing mom to your kids. Focus on giving them joy and that joy will multiply.

This is OP. This means a lot. Thank you so much. I’m screenshotting this.

There was an accident in our neighborhood - not involving a car or a trampoline - and I don’t want to give identifying specifics, but something sort of like this dynamic you mention PP. Except something bad did happen, and it became very divisive with lots of finger-pointing. Not our kid and not our liability issue, but we were in the old friend circle that blew up after the accident. It’s just very sad. There are no winners.

NP. We stayed put in our formerly insular neighborhood and let the the agitators move away! Only half kidding here, but time helps. Our neighborhood also had a horrible event that divided the neighborhood friend group. Add to that your run of the mill divorces, financial ruin, a spouse’s death and everything splintered.

Yes - turn inward to your own DH and DC. Get help for yourselves and each other. Find other friend groups and activities apart from the old gang. Make new friends. Talk about what’s going on, too - why, maybe you are stepping back from certain families (one situation for us involved drug use and the family’s dismissive attitude and acceptance, another family had a DC who repeatedly harmed and ganged up my DC and on other neighbor children - our concerns were ignored and rebuffed) …be kind and polite and never confrontational to the other families, but don’t seek out their company.

Thank you PP!
I am also hoping some of the others move while we stay put.
And yes, it was a horrible event, way beyond the neighborhood gossip or queen bee mom or the one guy flying a QAnon flag. I’m not saying it for identifying reasons, but i can tell that some posters don’t have an idea of the seriousness. When there is a neighborhood group of families and then something very serious happens in that group - a child severely injured at neighborhood party, for example, or an accusation of sexual assault at a neighborhood parent event that some people believe and some don’t - i assure you all that your sweet group of kids who ride bikes together while the parents chat in the driveway can just *end* and the fallout for all involved lasts years.

OP - was this event in the news and discussed on this site previously? I really hope it's not the tragic event I'm thinking of. Beyond tragic really.

What event was this???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of our neighbors went to federal prison for massive fraud.


The couple was known to throw huge parties and take only their clique of fellow social strivers on lavish vacations and were very showy with their money. Joined the right faith community and clubs.

Oddly divisive in the neighborhood and school community with some pledging loyalty and writing character references or whatever that’s called in an attempt to lessen the sentence.

If you didn’t publicly show support (all over social media) or attend one of the many social gatherings the couple had thrown for them presentencing then you weren’t a friend. And this couple involved themselvesin just about every aspect of community living like HOA, PTA, sports, faith community, country club and charity work.

Thank you for this example. Such is high school behaviors taken to a whole other level. Plenty of this type of thing in the inner suburbs. Most of us respect those who choose not to partake in the ridiculous charade, not those who are part of it.

[Anonymous]

You know what is funny about the above example? People who take part in scams, etc. are too stupid to be embarrassed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't have to be friends with these people but why are your children being left out?

parents of preschool and elementary school aged kids engineer those relationships, playdates and parties. that topic has been covered in many other threads. it almost totally passes once the kids reach middle school.

It SHOULD totally pass once the kids reach middle school - in healthy families.

Fixed that for you.

[Anonymous]

The example OP talked about is if a kid trespassed and got seriously injured on someone else's property. That is about a descriptive as you need it to get.

Awful, all around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Similar issue as to PP re kids assuming right to play in our yard. A few friendly but direct conversations were held about the fact that our yard was not community property. Neighbors held a large, loud party. Party spilled into our yard with games being played that were tearing up our grass and then rocks being thrown into our yard. Things escalated leading to a physical assault. Cops were called and neighbor was arrested. Went to court and the neighbor was convicted of assault. We became the pariahs.

Ugh! That's awful.
I must make sure to put up a fence next time I move.

Assuming same trashy neighbors would not actually start an enormous bonfire immediately next to your wood fence and have to have the cops/fire marshall called.

Yup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Similar issue as to PP re kids assuming right to play in our yard. A few friendly but direct conversations were held about the fact that our yard was not community property. Neighbors held a large, loud party. Party spilled into our yard with games being played that were tearing up our grass and then rocks being thrown into our yard. Things escalated leading to a physical assault. Cops were called and neighbor was arrested. Went to court and the neighbor was convicted of assault. We became the pariahs.

this!
THIS is the sort of "things that come with buying a house/choosing a neighborhood" that I never could have foreseen until I watched my own neighborhood social fabric rip apart. I wish I had known to treat neighbor interactions like HR at the office.

\

The difficult part is that one has no way of knowing about irrational hang ups and mental health situations (rumination and much, much worse) of those who reside in the neighborhood before you - until it's too late. You pay all this money, you move into a place, and you expect a fresh start - but if things have happened there before you, over which you have zero knowledge (until it is too late) or control, it can be very, very unfortunate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I assume whatever this issue was, it became legal? Were you drawn in as a witness or were you asked to pick sides? I'm trying to understand how your family is the one that has been ostracized? Are you being less than transparent about who your family is in this scenario? Are you actually one of the two battling families. Please explain how it is you are the family that's on the outs.

Usually the neighbor who is in the wrong collects like minded (ahem) people on their side. Derive from this what you will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of our neighbors went to federal prison for massive fraud.


The couple was known to throw huge parties and take only their clique of fellow social strivers on lavish vacations and were very showy with their money. Joined the right faith community and clubs.

Oddly divisive in the neighborhood and school community with some pledging loyalty and writing character references or whatever that’s called in an attempt to lessen the sentence.

If you didn’t publicly show support (all over social media) or attend one of the many social gatherings the couple had thrown for them presentencing then you weren’t a friend. And this couple involved themselvesin just about every aspect of community living like HOA, PTA, sports, faith community, country club and charity work.

This is the kind of story that, had I heard in my 20s, would have sounded far fetched. It just seems inexplicable -- why would grown adults with children side with criminals? It makes no sense.

But I'm in my 40s now and I know. Something I've discovered about the world is that it is full of personality cults. Most cults are not these dramatic religious communes or based on drug use or something. Most are just a charismatic person who figures out how to leverage their charisma for power. That's it. You find them in offices, neighborhoods, school communities. If you have never been witness to an exercise cult of some kind, you must steer well clear of gyms and workout classes because personality cults are practically required in those places. A lot of cults wind up being harmless -- people become obsessed with a person or group for a period of time, but then their kids leave that preschool or they move out of that neighborhood or that pilates studio closes, and they move on to the next thing. But yes, sometimes these cults are genuinely damaging and exploit people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of our neighbors went to federal prison for massive fraud.


The couple was known to throw huge parties and take only their clique of fellow social strivers on lavish vacations and were very showy with their money. Joined the right faith community and clubs.

Oddly divisive in the neighborhood and school community with some pledging loyalty and writing character references or whatever that’s called in an attempt to lessen the sentence.

If you didn’t publicly show support (all over social media) or attend one of the many social gatherings the couple had thrown for them presentencing then you weren’t a friend. And this couple involved themselvesin just about every aspect of community living like HOA, PTA, sports, faith community, country club and charity work.

This is the kind of story that, had I heard in my 20s, would have sounded far fetched. It just seems inexplicable -- why would grown adults with children side with criminals? It makes no sense.

But I'm in my 40s now and I know. Something I've discovered about the world is that it is full of personality cults. Most cults are not these dramatic religious communes or based on drug use or something. Most are just a charismatic person who figures out how to leverage their charisma for power. That's it. You find them in offices, neighborhoods, school communities. If you have never been witness to an exercise cult of some kind, you must steer well clear of gyms and workout classes because personality cults are practically required in those places. A lot of cults wind up being harmless -- people become obsessed with a person or group for a period of time, but then their kids leave that preschool or they move out of that neighborhood or that pilates studio closes, and they move on to the next thing. But yes, sometimes these cults are genuinely damaging and exploit people.

I would not call it charisma, but yes, I agree with the rest of your statement. It is certainly a cult like existence - grown adults who can't think for themselves.

[Anonymous]

A lesson I've learned after living in a few different places and having one bad neighborhood experience is to always lay intentionally low for the first two years to see where the battle lines fall in a neighborhood. Who gets along with whom? Who is the neighborhood gossip, the backbiter, the free babysitter seeker? It is always there, somewhere. In my current neighborhood, the long-standing battle was revealed in a neighborhood text thread. I was immediately thankful I had remained a largely blank slate. I remain pleasant, but aloof. Elusive. I can never make the block party, we have a conflict, have fun! I have put myself on the social outs intentionally.

[Anonymous]

I'm the PP who had a case go to court (and was called trashy). We're about 15 years out now. My kids were excluded from play groups, bullied on the school bus, not put on the LL teams that were supposed to be my neighborhood, cursed at the neighborhood pool. I could go on. My spouse and I are still living in the same house happily married and our kids are doing exceptionally well at good colleges. Can not say the same for almost all the other neighbors involved. They key, as others have pointed out, is to have friends and groups outside. I work full time, we chose to send our kids to different schools, joined other sports, etc. Living well is the best outcome here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of our neighbors went to federal prison for massive fraud.


The couple was known to throw huge parties and take only their clique of fellow social strivers on lavish vacations and were very showy with their money. Joined the right faith community and clubs.

Oddly divisive in the neighborhood and school community with some pledging loyalty and writing character references or whatever that’s called in an attempt to lessen the sentence.

If you didn’t publicly show support (all over social media) or attend one of the many social gatherings the couple had thrown for them presentencing then you weren’t a friend. And this couple involved themselvesin just about every aspect of community living like HOA, PTA, sports, faith community, country club and charity work.

This is the kind of story that, had I heard in my 20s, would have sounded far fetched. It just seems inexplicable -- why would grown adults with children side with criminals? It makes no sense.

But I'm in my 40s now and I know. Something I've discovered about the world is that it is full of personality cults. Most cults are not these dramatic religious communes or based on drug use or something. Most are just a charismatic person who figures out how to leverage their charisma for power. That's it. You find them in offices, neighborhoods, school communities. If you have never been witness to an exercise cult of some kind, you must steer well clear of gyms and workout classes because personality cults are practically required in those places. A lot of cults wind up being harmless -- people become obsessed with a person or group for a period of time, but then their kids leave that preschool or they move out of that neighborhood or that pilates studio closes, and they move on to the next thing. But yes, sometimes these cults are genuinely damaging and exploit people.

OP here. A lot of this rings true. It sounds far-fetched or that your own neighborhood/community would never be so stupid, but yes, rallying around the bad actors - and being on the outs if, amazingly, you don't -- is exactly the herd mentally i've been dealing with and bewildered by, and our community's scenario is something much sadder and darker than financial fraud.