Tell me about your decision to stay put in a neighborhood where you were on the social outs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Holy crap, this happens?

OP, I've been in my house a decade and the one thing I do know is that things change. People come and go, kids grow and move on and change friends and activities. I certainly wouldn't let this make you move! I would hang out with the people do you do like, invite them over etc. And just let time pass.

Thank you for this! - OP

[Anonymous]

Similar issue as to PP re kids assuming right to play in our yard. A few friendly but direct conversations were held about the fact that our yard was not community property. Neighbors held a large, loud party. Party spilled into our yard with games being played that were tearing up our grass and then rocks being thrown into our yard. Things escalated leading to a physical assault. Cops were called and neighbor was arrested. Went to court and the neighbor was convicted of assault. We became the pariahs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Similar issue as to PP re kids assuming right to play in our yard. A few friendly but direct conversations were held about the fact that our yard was not community property. Neighbors held a large, loud party. Party spilled into our yard with games being played that were tearing up our grass and then rocks being thrown into our yard. Things escalated leading to a physical assault. Cops were called and neighbor was arrested. Went to court and the neighbor was convicted of assault. We became the pariahs.

Ugh! That's awful.
I must make sure to put up a fence next time I move.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Similar issue as to PP re kids assuming right to play in our yard. A few friendly but direct conversations were held about the fact that our yard was not community property. Neighbors held a large, loud party. Party spilled into our yard with games being played that were tearing up our grass and then rocks being thrown into our yard. Things escalated leading to a physical assault. Cops were called and neighbor was arrested. Went to court and the neighbor was convicted of assault. We became the pariahs.

Ugh! That's awful.
I must make sure to put up a fence next time I move.

We're in a HOA on acre lots, all we could do was plant trees. We had them scheduled for planting the day after court.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Similar issue as to PP re kids assuming right to play in our yard. A few friendly but direct conversations were held about the fact that our yard was not community property. Neighbors held a large, loud party. Party spilled into our yard with games being played that were tearing up our grass and then rocks being thrown into our yard. Things escalated leading to a physical assault. Cops were called and neighbor was arrested. Went to court and the neighbor was convicted of assault. We became the pariahs.

this!
THIS is the sort of "things that come with buying a house/choosing a neighborhood" that I never could have foreseen until I watched my own neighborhood social fabric rip apart. I wish I had known to treat neighbor interactions like HR at the office.

[Anonymous]

NP, and I just want to emphasize a point made by others. Sane people quickly learn who the gossips are and do not believe what they say at face value. In fact, once the gossipers are identified, the sane people typically regard anything coming out of the gossipers’ mouths with great cynicism.

Wishing drama-free neighborhood living in the years ahead for you and your family, OP.

[Anonymous]

Similar issue as to PP re kids assuming right to play in our yard. A few friendly but direct conversations were held about the fact that our yard was not community property

The above reminded me of something in our neighborhood, though decades ago. A family with kids moved in. All the neighborhood kids played on a small patch of grass between 2 houses. This was next to their house. It's where everyone met up. It's where all the games happened. Their kids would have immediately been part of this. Instead this family moved in, paid no attention, and roped off the play area to relandscape.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP, and I just want to emphasize a point made by others. Sane people quickly learn who the gossips are and do not believe what they say at face value. In fact, once the gossipers are identified, the sane people typically regard anything coming out of the gossipers’ mouths with great cynicism.

Wishing drama-free neighborhood living in the years ahead for you and your family, OP.

This!

Give it time, OP, it will happen. In our neighborhood people are still friendly with the gossips and even socialize with them some but trust a word out of their mouths? Not one word. There's one woman who talks endlessly about another woman. Two of the husbands play a game where they bet how long it till take for the gossip to work the other woman's name into the conversation. You can see them point at their watches.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ahhhh, OP. I am going through the same thing.

My kids are pretty young. We live in our dream neighborhood. But because the property was owned by an elderly couple that wasn’t here half the year, the neighborhood kids played on our property a lot. And when we moved in, we had to establish some firm boundaries. No biggie- right? Just please don’t send your kids to hang out on our jungle gym and trampoline without permission from us. We don’t know your kids well enough to feel like this is in anyway shape ok.

This became a huge issue for one neighbor. I was actually told to move-that I wasn’t nice- and we had just moved into this house. But dear reader, would you let neighborhood kids just come over uninvited to your property? Just to make everyone happy so that their kids could have free babysitting on your playground equipment? What happens if they get hurt? What happens if they start crying for no reason? Or need to use the bathroom and knock on *your* door?

I’m giving it another year to settle down so that the kids find their own friendship circles- which so far has worked. My advice- don’t get sucked into the drama. At our age (30-40 ish), the people who talk about you behind your back are the ones to avoid the most- even if they consider you their friends. Make friends outside of this fiasco and never mention this person unless someone else brings it up. We were lucky enough to have friends in the area before we even moved here and they helped out a lot in calming us down. Invite the parents of your kids friends from school over. Or just one neighbor. It doesn’t matter.

The best thing to do of course- is to be an amazing mom to your kids. Focus on giving them joy and that joy will multiply.

This is OP. This means a lot. Thank you so much. I’m screenshotting this.

There was an accident in our neighborhood - not involving a car or a trampoline - and I don’t want to give identifying specifics, but something sort of like this dynamic you mention PP. Except something bad did happen, and it became very divisive with lots of finger-pointing. Not our kid and not our liability issue, but we were in the old friend circle that blew up after the accident. It’s just very sad. There are no winners.

NP. We stayed put in our formerly insular neighborhood and let the the agitators move away! Only half kidding here, but time helps. Our neighborhood also had a horrible event that divided the neighborhood friend group. Add to that your run of the mill divorces, financial ruin, a spouse’s death and everything splintered.

Yes - turn inward to your own DH and DC. Get help for yourselves and each other. Find other friend groups and activities apart from the old gang. Make new friends. Talk about what’s going on, too - why, maybe you are stepping back from certain families (one situation for us involved drug use and the family’s dismissive attitude and acceptance, another family had a DC who repeatedly harmed and ganged up my DC and on other neighbor children - our concerns were ignored and rebuffed) …be kind and polite and never confrontational to the other families, but don’t seek out their company.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m here to hear about your decision to stay in a neighborhood where you or your family experienced ostracizing, exclusion or social cruelty.

Neighborhood families who previously hung out split into two fractions after an ugly fight. We feel uncomfortable with both groups’ behaviors - but that also means no invites for our kids. We’ve decided to stay, and I’ve love to hear from other people who’ve ridden this stuff out.

Surely there must be other people there! Go make new friends .. what was the fight over

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP, and I just want to emphasize a point made by others. Sane people quickly learn who the gossips are and do not believe what they say at face value. In fact, once the gossipers are identified, the sane people typically regard anything coming out of the gossipers’ mouths with great cynicism.

Wishing drama-free neighborhood living in the years ahead for you and your family, OP.

This!

Give it time, OP, it will happen. In our neighborhood people are still friendly with the gossips and even socialize with them some but trust a word out of their mouths? Not one word. There's one woman who talks endlessly about another woman. Two of the husbands play a game where they bet how long it till take for the gossip to work the other woman's name into the conversation. You can see them point at their watches.

Yep! The ones that are the loudest are the ones that you don’t want to get involved with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Similar issue as to PP re kids assuming right to play in our yard. A few friendly but direct conversations were held about the fact that our yard was not community property

The above reminded me of something in our neighborhood, though decades ago. A family with kids moved in. All the neighborhood kids played on a small patch of grass between 2 houses. This was next to their house. It's where everyone met up. It's where all the games happened. Their kids would have immediately been part of this. Instead this family moved in, paid no attention, and roped off the play area to relandscape.

You're the bad neighbor! The new owners don't want your kids playing on the land that they own and you fault them for this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ahhhh, OP. I am going through the same thing.

My kids are pretty young. We live in our dream neighborhood. But because the property was owned by an elderly couple that wasn’t here half the year, the neighborhood kids played on our property a lot. And when we moved in, we had to establish some firm boundaries. No biggie- right? Just please don’t send your kids to hang out on our jungle gym and trampoline without permission from us. We don’t know your kids well enough to feel like this is in anyway shape ok.

This became a huge issue for one neighbor. I was actually told to move-that I wasn’t nice- and we had just moved into this house. But dear reader, would you let neighborhood kids just come over uninvited to your property? Just to make everyone happy so that their kids could have free babysitting on your playground equipment? What happens if they get hurt? What happens if they start crying for no reason? Or need to use the bathroom and knock on *your* door?

I’m giving it another year to settle down so that the kids find their own friendship circles- which so far has worked. My advice- don’t get sucked into the drama. At our age (30-40 ish), the people who talk about you behind your back are the ones to avoid the most- even if they consider you their friends. Make friends outside of this fiasco and never mention this person unless someone else brings it up. We were lucky enough to have friends in the area before we even moved here and they helped out a lot in calming us down. Invite the parents of your kids friends from school over. Or just one neighbor. It doesn’t matter.

The best thing to do of course- is to be an amazing mom to your kids. Focus on giving them joy and that joy will multiply.

This is OP. This means a lot. Thank you so much. I’m screenshotting this.

There was an accident in our neighborhood - not involving a car or a trampoline - and I don’t want to give identifying specifics, but something sort of like this dynamic you mention PP. Except something bad did happen, and it became very divisive with lots of finger-pointing. Not our kid and not our liability issue, but we were in the old friend circle that blew up after the accident. It’s just very sad. There are no winners.

NP. We stayed put in our formerly insular neighborhood and let the the agitators move away! Only half kidding here, but time helps. Our neighborhood also had a horrible event that divided the neighborhood friend group. Add to that your run of the mill divorces, financial ruin, a spouse’s death and everything splintered.

Yes - turn inward to your own DH and DC. Get help for yourselves and each other. Find other friend groups and activities apart from the old gang. Make new friends. Talk about what’s going on, too - why, maybe you are stepping back from certain families (one situation for us involved drug use and the family’s dismissive attitude and acceptance, another family had a DC who repeatedly harmed and ganged up my DC and on other neighbor children - our concerns were ignored and rebuffed) …be kind and polite and never confrontational to the other families, but don’t seek out their company.

Thank you PP!
I am also hoping some of the others move while we stay put.
And yes, it was a horrible event, way beyond the neighborhood gossip or queen bee mom or the one guy flying a QAnon flag. I’m not saying it for identifying reasons, but i can tell that some posters don’t have an idea of the seriousness. When there is a neighborhood group of families and then something very serious happens in that group - a child severely injured at neighborhood party, for example, or an accusation of sexual assault at a neighborhood parent event that some people believe and some don’t - i assure you all that your sweet group of kids who ride bikes together while the parents chat in the driveway can just *end* and the fallout for all involved lasts years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ahhhh, OP. I am going through the same thing.

My kids are pretty young. We live in our dream neighborhood. But because the property was owned by an elderly couple that wasn’t here half the year, the neighborhood kids played on our property a lot. And when we moved in, we had to establish some firm boundaries. No biggie- right? Just please don’t send your kids to hang out on our jungle gym and trampoline without permission from us. We don’t know your kids well enough to feel like this is in anyway shape ok.

This became a huge issue for one neighbor. I was actually told to move-that I wasn’t nice- and we had just moved into this house. But dear reader, would you let neighborhood kids just come over uninvited to your property? Just to make everyone happy so that their kids could have free babysitting on your playground equipment? What happens if they get hurt? What happens if they start crying for no reason? Or need to use the bathroom and knock on *your* door?

I’m giving it another year to settle down so that the kids find their own friendship circles- which so far has worked. My advice- don’t get sucked into the drama. At our age (30-40 ish), the people who talk about you behind your back are the ones to avoid the most- even if they consider you their friends. Make friends outside of this fiasco and never mention this person unless someone else brings it up. We were lucky enough to have friends in the area before we even moved here and they helped out a lot in calming us down. Invite the parents of your kids friends from school over. Or just one neighbor. It doesn’t matter.

The best thing to do of course- is to be an amazing mom to your kids. Focus on giving them joy and that joy will multiply.

This is OP. This means a lot. Thank you so much. I’m screenshotting this.

There was an accident in our neighborhood - not involving a car or a trampoline - and I don’t want to give identifying specifics, but something sort of like this dynamic you mention PP. Except something bad did happen, and it became very divisive with lots of finger-pointing. Not our kid and not our liability issue, but we were in the old friend circle that blew up after the accident. It’s just very sad. There are no winners.

NP. We stayed put in our formerly insular neighborhood and let the the agitators move away! Only half kidding here, but time helps. Our neighborhood also had a horrible event that divided the neighborhood friend group. Add to that your run of the mill divorces, financial ruin, a spouse’s death and everything splintered.

Yes - turn inward to your own DH and DC. Get help for yourselves and each other. Find other friend groups and activities apart from the old gang. Make new friends. Talk about what’s going on, too - why, maybe you are stepping back from certain families (one situation for us involved drug use and the family’s dismissive attitude and acceptance, another family had a DC who repeatedly harmed and ganged up my DC and on other neighbor children - our concerns were ignored and rebuffed) …be kind and polite and never confrontational to the other families, but don’t seek out their company.

Thank you PP!
I am also hoping some of the others move while we stay put.
And yes, it was a horrible event, way beyond the neighborhood gossip or queen bee mom or the one guy flying a QAnon flag. I’m not saying it for identifying reasons, but i can tell that some posters don’t have an idea of the seriousness. When there is a neighborhood group of families and then something very serious happens in that group - a child severely injured at neighborhood party, for example, or an accusation of sexual assault at a neighborhood parent event that some people believe and some don’t - i assure you all that your sweet group of kids who ride bikes together while the parents chat in the driveway can just *end* and the fallout for all involved lasts years.

But OP, unless your family is involved at the center of whatever serious incident occurred, then why is it your family that is now receiving zero invites? This is why we would need to know more. If someone accused my spouse of sexual assault, I would definitely consider moving. It’s a whole different level than a dramatic neighbor vaguebooking about “drama” with other moms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Similar issue as to PP re kids assuming right to play in our yard. A few friendly but direct conversations were held about the fact that our yard was not community property

The above reminded me of something in our neighborhood, though decades ago. A family with kids moved in. All the neighborhood kids played on a small patch of grass between 2 houses. This was next to their house. It's where everyone met up. It's where all the games happened. Their kids would have immediately been part of this. Instead this family moved in, paid no attention, and roped off the play area to relandscape.

So you're arguing the new owners owed it to you to keep their yard as some sort of communal easement? You suck.