Tell me about your decision to stay put in a neighborhood where you were on the social outs

[Anonymous]

I’m here to hear about your decision to stay in a neighborhood where you or your family experienced ostracizing, exclusion or social cruelty.

Neighborhood families who previously hung out split into two fractions after an ugly fight. We feel uncomfortable with both groups’ behaviors - but that also means no invites for our kids. We’ve decided to stay, and I’ve love to hear from other people who’ve ridden this stuff out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m here to hear about your decision to stay in a neighborhood where you or your family experienced ostracizing, exclusion or social cruelty.

Neighborhood families who previously hung out split into two fractions after an ugly fight. We feel uncomfortable with both groups’ behaviors - but that also means no invites for our kids. We’ve decided to stay, and I’ve love to hear from other people who’ve ridden this stuff out.

What? This stuff actually happens? How can some adults be so childish.

[Anonymous]

Yikes. I guess I would need to know more. Like, what was the argument about, why both sides are now ostracizing you, etc. I don't think I would want to stay where my kids were being ostracized because of something I did. But I wouldn't want to move if I thought it would all blow over, either.

As a kid I remember a huge adult fall-out in our community when some private school parents left the local private school to support the creation of a new private school. Quite literally there were best friends fighting about it. It had long-lasting repercussions and created chasms that still exist today. My family was out of it all, just watching from the sidelines. It was pretty brutal though. I remember my parents quietly to themselves discussing it and being appalled at how badly it affected some of the kids of parents who were fighting.

[Anonymous]

Details are needed here. I’ve seen a fight happen in my neighborhood between two families. Basically, one mom told another mom she was crazy. They still don’t really speak years later. Not as big of a deal because the two families didn’t have kids the same age.

[Anonymous]

Well this one rich guy and his wife thought he was better than all of us but he wasn't anywhere near as helpful as the skipper and the professor

[Anonymous]

Why would you WANT to stay?

[Anonymous]

Is this like Hatfield/McCoy sht? wow.

[Anonymous]

How small and insular is this neighborhood?

I live in a neighborhood where there is one woman who has hated me for going on a decade (before either of us were married or had kids). I actually lived here before her but she moved here a few years ago and has told numerous people in the neighborhood that she hates me, and also given them a bogus reason for it (the real reason is that she was a pretty crummy friend so I stopped hanging out with her and it hurt her pride and feelings). When this first started happening it was very upsetting to me. I've always gotten along well with people in the neighborhood and this whole thing definitely made me feel like my reputation was being hurt and gave me some paranoia around people, making me wonder if they'd heard her BS and if so what they think of me now. It was stressful enough that I did consider moving for a hot minute.

But this is not an insular neighborhood at all -- it's diverse and dense and not everyone knows each other and I almost never run into her. I think for a moment I felt threatened because we have similar aged kids and that can make the world feel small. But as kids get older this matters less, plus I reminded myself she was lying, and people who lie like this tend to show their true colors to people pretty quick. And I was right. I lost exactly zero friends due to this woman. If there are people who she prejudiced against me, then I probably wouldn't enjoy their friendship anyway because they are gullible and easily swayed. The whole thing is a non-issue.

But I could see this going differently if it was a smaller community and it was hard for us to have our active social life and connections in the neighborhood without running into this woman, or if it was the kind of place where being on a couple people's bad side means you don't have any friends at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How small and insular is this neighborhood?

I live in a neighborhood where there is one woman who has hated me for going on a decade (before either of us were married or had kids). I actually lived here before her but she moved here a few years ago and has told numerous people in the neighborhood that she hates me, and also given them a bogus reason for it (the real reason is that she was a pretty crummy friend so I stopped hanging out with her and it hurt her pride and feelings). When this first started happening it was very upsetting to me. I've always gotten along well with people in the neighborhood and this whole thing definitely made me feel like my reputation was being hurt and gave me some paranoia around people, making me wonder if they'd heard her BS and if so what they think of me now. It was stressful enough that I did consider moving for a hot minute.

But this is not an insular neighborhood at all -- it's diverse and dense and not everyone knows each other and I almost never run into her. I think for a moment I felt threatened because we have similar aged kids and that can make the world feel small. But as kids get older this matters less, plus I reminded myself she was lying, and people who lie like this tend to show their true colors to people pretty quick. And I was right. I lost exactly zero friends due to this woman. If there are people who she prejudiced against me, then I probably wouldn't enjoy their friendship anyway because they are gullible and easily swayed. The whole thing is a non-issue.

But I could see this going differently if it was a smaller community and it was hard for us to have our active social life and connections in the neighborhood without running into this woman, or if it was the kind of place where being on a couple people's bad side means you don't have any friends at all.

OP here. So, it’s exactly like this. Remarkably similar situation. Except we do have young kids, and it is a pretty insular place. We have lots of friends and activities outside of the neighborhood, but sometimes when I see the other kids playing together with mine not invited, it stings more than I wish it did - I want to get better at detaching. I like our house, our location, everything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yikes. I guess I would need to know more. Like, what was the argument about, why both sides are now ostracizing you, etc. I don't think I would want to stay where my kids were being ostracized because of something I did. But I wouldn't want to move if I thought it would all blow over, either.

As a kid I remember a huge adult fall-out in our community when some private school parents left the local private school to support the creation of a new private school. Quite literally there were best friends fighting about it. It had long-lasting repercussions and created chasms that still exist today. My family was out of it all, just watching from the sidelines. It was pretty brutal though. I remember my parents quietly to themselves discussing it and being appalled at how badly it affected some of the kids of parents who were fighting.

What were the long-lasting repercussions and chasms?

[Anonymous]

I never cared or had this problem. This area is way too transient for that.

[Anonymous]

Most families don’t have the ability to just pack up and leave a neighborhood due to a fight with neighbors. How bizarre.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most families don’t have the ability to just pack up and leave a neighborhood due to a fight with neighbors. How bizarre.

Agreed. I don't want to make a serious financial decision over a social gaffe that doesn't even really involve me

[Anonymous]

Who cares? I barely ever see my neighbors anyway. Just hang with your friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m here to hear about your decision to stay in a neighborhood where you or your family experienced ostracizing, exclusion or social cruelty.

Neighborhood families who previously hung out split into two fractions after an ugly fight. We feel uncomfortable with both groups’ behaviors - but that also means no invites for our kids. We’ve decided to stay, and I’ve love to hear from other people who’ve ridden this stuff out.

Could you start a third faction of people who are on the edges of the fight? I'm sure that not everyone is as invested as those at the heart of it.
Figure out who those folks are and invite them over for coffee, BBQ or playground meet up. Or invite their kids over for a playgroup. If you invite kids over then they will likely reciprocate.

I also live in a close knit/insular neighborhood and there was a lot of that behavior around the time of the local election. It cooled down eventually but during the height of it, things got nasty.