Tell me about your decision to stay put in a neighborhood where you were on the social outs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How small and insular is this neighborhood?

I live in a neighborhood where there is one woman who has hated me for going on a decade (before either of us were married or had kids). I actually lived here before her but she moved here a few years ago and has told numerous people in the neighborhood that she hates me, and also given them a bogus reason for it (the real reason is that she was a pretty crummy friend so I stopped hanging out with her and it hurt her pride and feelings). When this first started happening it was very upsetting to me. I've always gotten along well with people in the neighborhood and this whole thing definitely made me feel like my reputation was being hurt and gave me some paranoia around people, making me wonder if they'd heard her BS and if so what they think of me now. It was stressful enough that I did consider moving for a hot minute.

But this is not an insular neighborhood at all -- it's diverse and dense and not everyone knows each other and I almost never run into her. I think for a moment I felt threatened because we have similar aged kids and that can make the world feel small. But as kids get older this matters less, plus I reminded myself she was lying, and people who lie like this tend to show their true colors to people pretty quick. And I was right. I lost exactly zero friends due to this woman. If there are people who she prejudiced against me, then I probably wouldn't enjoy their friendship anyway because they are gullible and easily swayed. The whole thing is a non-issue.

But I could see this going differently if it was a smaller community and it was hard for us to have our active social life and connections in the neighborhood without running into this woman, or if it was the kind of place where being on a couple people's bad side means you don't have any friends at all.

OP here. So, it’s exactly like this. Remarkably similar situation. Except we do have young kids, and it is a pretty insular place. We have lots of friends and activities outside of the neighborhood, but sometimes when I see the other kids playing together with mine not invited, it stings more than I wish it did - I want to get better at detaching. I like our house, our location, everything else.

OP, which is it? Did you have a fight with a friend or were you not involved but somehow everyone is mad at you? There's a lot missing from your story and it's hard to advise without knowing what happened.

[Anonymous]

Is it swingers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How small and insular is this neighborhood?

I live in a neighborhood where there is one woman who has hated me for going on a decade (before either of us were married or had kids). I actually lived here before her but she moved here a few years ago and has told numerous people in the neighborhood that she hates me, and also given them a bogus reason for it (the real reason is that she was a pretty crummy friend so I stopped hanging out with her and it hurt her pride and feelings). When this first started happening it was very upsetting to me. I've always gotten along well with people in the neighborhood and this whole thing definitely made me feel like my reputation was being hurt and gave me some paranoia around people, making me wonder if they'd heard her BS and if so what they think of me now. It was stressful enough that I did consider moving for a hot minute.

But this is not an insular neighborhood at all -- it's diverse and dense and not everyone knows each other and I almost never run into her. I think for a moment I felt threatened because we have similar aged kids and that can make the world feel small. But as kids get older this matters less, plus I reminded myself she was lying, and people who lie like this tend to show their true colors to people pretty quick. And I was right. I lost exactly zero friends due to this woman. If there are people who she prejudiced against me, then I probably wouldn't enjoy their friendship anyway because they are gullible and easily swayed. The whole thing is a non-issue.

Yes, what happened. How is that you are getting zero invites if the group split in two.
But I could see this going differently if it was a smaller community and it was hard for us to have our active social life and connections in the neighborhood without running into this woman, or if it was the kind of place where being on a couple people's bad side means you don't have any friends at all.

OP here. So, it’s exactly like this. Remarkably similar situation. Except we do have young kids, and it is a pretty insular place. We have lots of friends and activities outside of the neighborhood, but sometimes when I see the other kids playing together with mine not invited, it stings more than I wish it did - I want to get better at detaching. I like our house, our location, everything else.

OP, which is it? Did you have a fight with a friend or were you not involved but somehow everyone is mad at you? There's a lot missing from your story and it's hard to advise without knowing what happened.

[Anonymous]

Ahhhh, OP. I am going through the same thing.

My kids are pretty young. We live in our dream neighborhood. But because the property was owned by an elderly couple that wasn’t here half the year, the neighborhood kids played on our property a lot. And when we moved in, we had to establish some firm boundaries. No biggie- right? Just please don’t send your kids to hang out on our jungle gym and trampoline without permission from us. We don’t know your kids well enough to feel like this is in anyway shape ok.

This became a huge issue for one neighbor. I was actually told to move-that I wasn’t nice- and we had just moved into this house. But dear reader, would you let neighborhood kids just come over uninvited to your property? Just to make everyone happy so that their kids could have free babysitting on your playground equipment? What happens if they get hurt? What happens if they start crying for no reason? Or need to use the bathroom and knock on *your* door?

I’m giving it another year to settle down so that the kids find their own friendship circles- which so far has worked. My advice- don’t get sucked into the drama. At our age (30-40 ish), the people who talk about you behind your back are the ones to avoid the most- even if they consider you their friends. Make friends outside of this fiasco and never mention this person unless someone else brings it up. We were lucky enough to have friends in the area before we even moved here and they helped out a lot in calming us down. Invite the parents of your kids friends from school over. Or just one neighbor. It doesn’t matter.

The best thing to do of course- is to be an amazing mom to your kids. Focus on giving them joy and that joy will multiply.

[Anonymous]

Holy crap, this happens?

OP, I've been in my house a decade and the one thing I do know is that things change. People come and go, kids grow and move on and change friends and activities. I certainly wouldn't let this make you move! I would hang out with the people do you do like, invite them over etc. And just let time pass.

[Anonymous]

Reading one other thing- just need some follow up from OP.

Your kids aren’t invited? Is this like you can see other kids at a persons house? Or is this out in the open, on the street?

Kids circles are a tricky thing. You can’t force kids to play with each other and kids are highly unlikely to express their social connections with you. But also- some kids form best friend relationships that are hard to break into and should be left alone.

If the kids are playing out on the street and your kids want to play too- let them go out with them. If it’s over at a persons house- let your kids play out in your front yard. Sometimes- it’s just a little bit of a nudge that changes the course of things.

[Anonymous]

My. I'm glad I live in a leafy quiet neighborhood where everyone barely knows their neighbors beyond a pleasant nod when walking the dogs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My. I'm glad I live in a leafy quiet neighborhood where everyone barely knows their neighbors beyond a pleasant nod when walking the dogs.

+ 1,000,000.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My. I'm glad I live in a leafy quiet neighborhood where everyone barely knows their neighbors beyond a pleasant nod when walking the dogs.

Me too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ahhhh, OP. I am going through the same thing.

My kids are pretty young. We live in our dream neighborhood. But because the property was owned by an elderly couple that wasn’t here half the year, the neighborhood kids played on our property a lot. And when we moved in, we had to establish some firm boundaries. No biggie- right? Just please don’t send your kids to hang out on our jungle gym and trampoline without permission from us. We don’t know your kids well enough to feel like this is in anyway shape ok.

This became a huge issue for one neighbor. I was actually told to move-that I wasn’t nice- and we had just moved into this house. But dear reader, would you let neighborhood kids just come over uninvited to your property? Just to make everyone happy so that their kids could have free babysitting on your playground equipment? What happens if they get hurt? What happens if they start crying for no reason? Or need to use the bathroom and knock on *your* door?

I’m giving it another year to settle down so that the kids find their own friendship circles- which so far has worked. My advice- don’t get sucked into the drama. At our age (30-40 ish), the people who talk about you behind your back are the ones to avoid the most- even if they consider you their friends. Make friends outside of this fiasco and never mention this person unless someone else brings it up. We were lucky enough to have friends in the area before we even moved here and they helped out a lot in calming us down. Invite the parents of your kids friends from school over. Or just one neighbor. It doesn’t matter.

The best thing to do of course- is to be an amazing mom to your kids. Focus on giving them joy and that joy will multiply.

Did you fence on your yard first? I would have fenced in my yard and locked the gates. If the kids can’t get to your yard, they will quickly give up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m here to hear about your decision to stay in a neighborhood where you or your family experienced ostracizing, exclusion or social cruelty.

Neighborhood families who previously hung out split into two fractions after an ugly fight. We feel uncomfortable with both groups’ behaviors - but that also means no invites for our kids. We’ve decided to stay, and I’ve love to hear from other people who’ve ridden this stuff out.

Could you start a third faction of people who are on the edges of the fight? I'm sure that not everyone is as invested as those at the heart of it.
Figure out who those folks are and invite them over for coffee, BBQ or playground meet up. Or invite their kids over for a playgroup. If you invite kids over then they will likely reciprocate.

I also live in a close knit/insular neighborhood and there was a lot of that behavior around the time of the local election. It cooled down eventually but during the height of it, things got nasty.

This is a good idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ahhhh, OP. I am going through the same thing.

My kids are pretty young. We live in our dream neighborhood. But because the property was owned by an elderly couple that wasn’t here half the year, the neighborhood kids played on our property a lot. And when we moved in, we had to establish some firm boundaries. No biggie- right? Just please don’t send your kids to hang out on our jungle gym and trampoline without permission from us. We don’t know your kids well enough to feel like this is in anyway shape ok.

This became a huge issue for one neighbor. I was actually told to move-that I wasn’t nice- and we had just moved into this house. But dear reader, would you let neighborhood kids just come over uninvited to your property? Just to make everyone happy so that their kids could have free babysitting on your playground equipment? What happens if they get hurt? What happens if they start crying for no reason? Or need to use the bathroom and knock on *your* door?

I’m giving it another year to settle down so that the kids find their own friendship circles- which so far has worked. My advice- don’t get sucked into the drama. At our age (30-40 ish), the people who talk about you behind your back are the ones to avoid the most- even if they consider you their friends. Make friends outside of this fiasco and never mention this person unless someone else brings it up. We were lucky enough to have friends in the area before we even moved here and they helped out a lot in calming us down. Invite the parents of your kids friends from school over. Or just one neighbor. It doesn’t matter.

The best thing to do of course- is to be an amazing mom to your kids. Focus on giving them joy and that joy will multiply.

Did you fence on your yard first? I would have fenced in my yard and locked the gates. If the kids can’t get to your yard, they will quickly give up.

I agree. Fencing the yard would have been my first step. For the dog. If we didn't have a dog then we would have gotten one.

[Anonymous]

OP, there is one neighbor who doesn't care for me and we have one DC the same age.

This neighbor wanted us to be close and hang out often and she is just not my cup of tea. We have different points of view on most pivotal topics. I tried to be gracious but was not willing to go out for drinks every week and that hurt her feelings. I'm sorry that her feelings are hurt but between work and kids I don't have the time that she does.

Our kids no longer play together which was my DC's decision--not because of the lack of interaction between the parents, but because they have grown apart and have nothing in common other than living close to each other.

Let it go, OP. Adults who put much energy into gossiping are not worth your time and anyone who is willing to ostracize you based solely on what another person says is not worth your time either. Let the gossips say what they will--when they rehash the same topic for the 10th time the other neighbors will know who they are dealing with.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like your kids are little. Focus on sports and school based activities that pull from more than just your immediate neighborhood. Once kids are 7-9, they will start making their own friends and plans - and not care which parents are friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ahhhh, OP. I am going through the same thing.

My kids are pretty young. We live in our dream neighborhood. But because the property was owned by an elderly couple that wasn’t here half the year, the neighborhood kids played on our property a lot. And when we moved in, we had to establish some firm boundaries. No biggie- right? Just please don’t send your kids to hang out on our jungle gym and trampoline without permission from us. We don’t know your kids well enough to feel like this is in anyway shape ok.

This became a huge issue for one neighbor. I was actually told to move-that I wasn’t nice- and we had just moved into this house. But dear reader, would you let neighborhood kids just come over uninvited to your property? Just to make everyone happy so that their kids could have free babysitting on your playground equipment? What happens if they get hurt? What happens if they start crying for no reason? Or need to use the bathroom and knock on *your* door?

I’m giving it another year to settle down so that the kids find their own friendship circles- which so far has worked. My advice- don’t get sucked into the drama. At our age (30-40 ish), the people who talk about you behind your back are the ones to avoid the most- even if they consider you their friends. Make friends outside of this fiasco and never mention this person unless someone else brings it up. We were lucky enough to have friends in the area before we even moved here and they helped out a lot in calming us down. Invite the parents of your kids friends from school over. Or just one neighbor. It doesn’t matter.

The best thing to do of course- is to be an amazing mom to your kids. Focus on giving them joy and that joy will multiply.

This is OP. This means a lot. Thank you so much. I’m screenshotting this.

There was an accident in our neighborhood - not involving a car or a trampoline - and I don’t want to give identifying specifics, but something sort of like this dynamic you mention PP. Except something bad did happen, and it became very divisive with lots of finger-pointing. Not our kid and not our liability issue, but we were in the old friend circle that blew up after the accident. It’s just very sad. There are no winners.