Ever regret having the third child

[Anonymous]

I regret the first two, so I'm not sure why I wouldn't regret a hypothetical third.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread has been so helpful. We decided to go for number 3 over the holidays, and while we were excited we thought were going into it with eyes wide open. I’ve been reading this and other threads on 3 this month and we realized, after we got right up to that ledge, that maybe we don’t want what is on the other side of the ledge. Or rather, we “want” the big family but the other side of the ledge is terrifying. it took walking right up to it to notice it. Did anyone else feel this way and still go for it? I have to imagine moving forward with this much nervousness is a recipe for stress. Fwiw, I never felt like someone was missing from our family, just that we love kids and wanted a big family (chaos and all).

There was a thread in expectant moms (actually a few threads lately) from a woman who decided to go for a third, got pregnant and then decided to terminate because she realized she didn't actually want the third. You might find that thread useful as it had a lot of posters who had been in a similar situation.

Thank you. I’ll check it out.

[Anonymous]

How old are the other two?

Hope you get really REAL responses. Usually people will convince you another kid will bring love & whatever mushy stuff.

Truth is kids suck. The sheer amount of sacrifice needed for each is incredible.

The covid housebound situation has brought the reality that kids are Work and people need to consciously plan when having them.

Many kids are oops situations and some were conceived through miraculous feats.

At the end of the day weigh your pluses & minuses, and your mental health.

A coworker told me, each additional kid takes resources from the preexisting ones. Even if $$$ is not a problem, there is the additional attention & mental, emotional support that needs to be divided further.

So plan accordingly, you already sound hesitant. Maybe leave things as they are.

You never know what will come but you definitely know the amount of work coming.

Good Luck.

Spoken as a parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've never regretted having a third but my husband has. Our lives have become significantly more chaotic with a third and we both lost most of our last remaining free time. I'm okay with that because I always wanted three kids and I LOVE young children. My husband was perfectly fulfilled with two kids and so he's more aware that the chaos that now rules our lives was completely optional and while he makes the most of things and is a great dad he wishes we had stopped at two. Life would have been much, much easier!

This is pretty much what our situation would be like, but reversed. DH is the one wanting more, and I'm the one that is resisting, afraid that I might be a less patient, more resentful mom to all three kids if we added another one. I have worked hard and dug deep to find reserves of patience and wisdom, and I feel like I have finally found a precarious balance that would be upset all over again with another baby. Add to the fact that I am the primary caregiver, working P/T b/c DH has crazy hours and a lot of travel, I feel like it's easy for him to want another one, he's rarely around anyway. But alas, I am only speculating, because so far we agreed to wait and see - mostly to wait and see if I would change my mind. I also worry about my age (38) and the possibility of complications (already had 2 c-sections and a difficult second pregnancy). So that's our (my) dilemma.

So basically he wants to create s to create extra work for you?

He is m-i-a working while you do the hard work, hands on of child raising?

Selfish prick!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
How old are the other two?

Hope you get really REAL responses. Usually people will convince you another kid will bring love & whatever mushy stuff.

Truth is kids suck. The sheer amount of sacrifice needed for each is incredible.

The covid housebound situation has brought the reality that kids are Work and people need to consciously plan when having them.

Many kids are oops situations and some were conceived through miraculous feats.

At the end of the day weigh your pluses & minuses, and your mental health.

A coworker told me, each additional kid takes resources from the preexisting ones. Even if $$$ is not a problem, there is the additional attention & mental, emotional support that needs to be divided further.

So plan accordingly, you already sound hesitant. Maybe leave things as they are.

You never know what will come but you definitely know the amount of work coming.

Good Luck.

Spoken as a parent

+1

Even if you have lots of help and lots of money, more kids mean that each child will have less of you. You are a finite resource for which there is no substitute. And while a child’s siblings might fill in the space left by less of you, there is no guarantee (and should be no expectation) that it will happen. Lots of kids in big families grow up lonely.

I have known a couple people who really could parent three or more kids and do it in a way where I don’t think those kids missed out. But the rest? I’m sure everyone will survive. And they have the money to compensate. But I would prefer not having to compensate for not being able to support my kid the way they deserve to be supported.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
How old are the other two?

Hope you get really REAL responses. Usually people will convince you another kid will bring love & whatever mushy stuff.

Truth is kids suck. The sheer amount of sacrifice needed for each is incredible.

The covid housebound situation has brought the reality that kids are Work and people need to consciously plan when having them.

Many kids are oops situations and some were conceived through miraculous feats.

At the end of the day weigh your pluses & minuses, and your mental health.

A coworker told me, each additional kid takes resources from the preexisting ones. Even if $$$ is not a problem, there is the additional attention & mental, emotional support that needs to be divided further.

So plan accordingly, you already sound hesitant. Maybe leave things as they are.

You never know what will come but you definitely know the amount of work coming.

Good Luck.

Spoken as a parent

+1

Even if you have lots of help and lots of money, more kids mean that each child will have less of you. You are a finite resource for which there is no substitute. And while a child’s siblings might fill in the space left by less of you, there is no guarantee (and should be no expectation) that it will happen. Lots of kids in big families grow up lonely.

I have known a couple people who really could parent three or more kids and do it in a way where I don’t think those kids missed out. But the rest? I’m sure everyone will survive. And they have the money to compensate. But I would prefer not having to compensate for not being able to support my kid the way they deserve to be supported.

I wouldn't have a third unless one parent stays home. Just being honest. There aren't enough hours in a day to work and give three kids attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I should note as someone from a big family, you shouldn't ask moms of young kids this. The chaos didn't really get into full swing until my oldest brother was a teen.

Even now, I kind of dread holidays with my everyone because it's always so loud. But this is also a fun combo of a large family and multiple people with ADHD.

This right here is the truth.
The chaotic baby years are nothing.
The real experience is when they become HELLish teens.
Days or even hours become unpredictable and the moodiness and bad attitude diminishes the joy.
Makes the diaper years feel like they were a breeze.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I should note as someone from a big family, you shouldn't ask moms of young kids this. The chaos didn't really get into full swing until my oldest brother was a teen.

Even now, I kind of dread holidays with my everyone because it's always so loud. But this is also a fun combo of a large family and multiple people with ADHD.

This right here is the truth.
The chaotic baby years are nothing.
The real experience is when they become HELLish teens.
Days or even hours become unpredictable and the moodiness and bad attitude diminishes the joy.
Makes the diaper years feel like they were a breeze.

It sucks for the siblings too. My childhood was basically destroyed by first my oldest brother just melting down as a teen and then my dad having a heart attack. I became an adult at nine. My older siblings didn’t help raise me; I became the helper to my mom and my brother who was a mess and my sister who was bitter about it. I didn’t get to be my own person until my late 20s. Having a big family just meant exponentially more dysfunction and obligation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have never regretted our third, but DH and I went into the decision with eyes wide open and were completely on the same page. Ours are fairly close together (all ~2 years apart), and that definitely helps with keeping things as cohesive as we want them to be, which isn't always. There may be a few material things we can't afford for all three, but I also don't want my kids to have every possession their hearts desire.

All that being said, I would never advise someone to have three kids (or any kids, really) if both partners weren't fully on board or they hadn't considered the trade-offs. Three kids is much harder than two kids. Loving your third child doesn't mean you have to pretend that some downsides of three kids don't exist. I think a lot of parents also don't realize how stressful life will be with that other kid, and while they don't "regret" them per se, that chronic stress takes a real toll over time[u][i]. That's why we're not having a fourth.

+1

[Anonymous]

I have low tolerance for stress and chaos, so I stopped at 1. My current 3 person family is delightful. If anything, I like the idea of two with a big age gap so I can focus just as much on #2 as our oldest becomes more self-sufficient and outwardly focused, but realistically, we will probably be too old and will stick with 1. Plus, I am not willing to compromise on other financial and lifestyle factors for the family members who are already in existence.

It's important to know yourself (and your spouse). What are your energy levels? Other goals in life?

[Anonymous]

I really appreciate the candor and honesty here.

- One of the PPs seeking guidance

[Anonymous]

My 3 kids are 2.5 and then 2 years apart. Oldest was in preschool when the youngest arrived. I don't have a terribly clear memory of the first two years of the youngest's life - there wasn't a whole lot of sleeping going on (my kids didn't sleep well and I love sleep, which is why we don't have a fourth).

I think that survey that showed that parents of exactly 3 kids were the most stressed (even more than families with 4+) was right on. At 3 kids you can still try to keep up with the Joneses in terms of how many activities you do. Instead of managing a herd of children who behave like a team or a group, it's 3 individuals. You go from 1 inter-sibling relationship to 3 inter-sibling relationships. Also people seem to have this idea that a third child will be laid back and go with the flow. Maybe occasionally, but most 3rds I know are attention seekers and rather bossy, kind of like mini versions of 1st kids. So if you're having a 3rd thinking he/she will tag along with the rest of the family, don't.

That said, while I have occasionally thought that life might be a bit easier without our very intense third child, I don't regret her. During the pandemic, especially, it's been lovely to have 3 kids close in age who can hang out with each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I should note as someone from a big family, you shouldn't ask moms of young kids this. The chaos didn't really get into full swing until my oldest brother was a teen.

Even now, I kind of dread holidays with my everyone because it's always so loud. But this is also a fun combo of a large family and multiple people with ADHD.

This right here is the truth.
The chaotic baby years are nothing.
The real experience is when they become HELLish teens.
Days or even hours become unpredictable and the moodiness and bad attitude diminishes the joy.
Makes the diaper years feel like they were a breeze.

It sucks for the siblings too. My childhood was basically destroyed by first my oldest brother just melting down as a teen and then my dad having a heart attack. I became an adult at nine. My older siblings didn’t help raise me; I became the helper to my mom and my brother who was a mess and my sister who was bitter about it. I didn’t get to be my own person until my late 20s. Having a big family just meant exponentially more dysfunction and obligation.

Christmas used to involve taking my brother out to smoke weed so he'd calm down and stop trying to pick fights with everyone else.

Weirdly enough we work one on one but get us all together and someone's going to scream at someone else and storm off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 3 kids are 2.5 and then 2 years apart. Oldest was in preschool when the youngest arrived. I don't have a terribly clear memory of the first two years of the youngest's life - there wasn't a whole lot of sleeping going on (my kids didn't sleep well and I love sleep, which is why we don't have a fourth).

I think that survey that showed that parents of exactly 3 kids were the most stressed (even more than families with 4+) was right on. At 3 kids you can still try to keep up with the Joneses in terms of how many activities you do. Instead of managing a herd of children who behave like a team or a group, it's 3 individuals. You go from 1 inter-sibling relationship to 3 inter-sibling relationships. Also people seem to have this idea that a third child will be laid back and go with the flow. Maybe occasionally, but most 3rds I know are attention seekers and rather bossy, kind of like mini versions of 1st kids. So if you're having a 3rd thinking he/she will tag along with the rest of the family, don't.

That said, while I have occasionally thought that life might be a bit easier without our very intense third child, I don't regret her. During the pandemic, especially, it's been lovely to have 3 kids close in age who can hang out with each other.

Yes to the bolded! People need to understand that having a third child is NOT like having a second child. When you have a second child, you have to acclimate your first to the idea of being a sibling. It's a huge change, but it's manageable because the new baby is... a baby. The baby doesn't have to acclimate to being a sibling. You can just focus on the older child and really watch that relationship develop. There will be hiccups, but you'll see them right away and can troubleshoot as you go.

Having a third is sooo different. Both of the older kids have to acclimate, but to different stuff. The older child has to deal with, yet again, diminished attention from their parents. But the younger kid has to get used to the idea of not being the youngest, a totally different issue. They both have to develop separate relationships with the new baby, and you also have to watch their relationship to one another (plus manage your individual relationships with all three kids). It's so complicated. I think sometimes people get a false sense of security when the third baby is just born, because they are focused on the new baby and it doesn't feel that different the third time around. But there is a whole mountain of stuff going on with your kids during this transition, and by the time you tune into it, it might be overwhelming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

It sucks for the siblings too. My childhood was basically destroyed by first my oldest brother just melting down as a teen and then my dad having a heart attack. I became an adult at nine. My older siblings didn’t help raise me; I became the helper to my mom and my brother who was a mess and my sister who was bitter about it. I didn’t get to be my own person until my late 20s. Having a big family just meant exponentially more dysfunction and obligation.

What does this really have to do with three siblings? Plenty of people have dysfunctional 2-person families. It sounds like you would've become your mom's helper regardless of whether you had a sister or not. My sister-in-law had a lot of family dysfunction including the untimely early death of both her parents and fights with one of her sisters over inheritance, and her other sister (3 sisters total) was a big help and support to her.