Ever regret having the third child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I should note as someone from a big family, you shouldn't ask moms of young kids this. The chaos didn't really get into full swing until my oldest brother was a teen.

Even now, I kind of dread holidays with my everyone because it's always so loud. But this is also a fun combo of a large family and multiple people with ADHD.

This right here is the truth.
The chaotic baby years are nothing.
The real experience is when they become HELLish teens.
Days or even hours become unpredictable and the moodiness and bad attitude diminishes the joy.
Makes the diaper years feel like they were a breeze.

It sucks for the siblings too. My childhood was basically destroyed by first my oldest brother just melting down as a teen and then my dad having a heart attack. I became an adult at nine. My older siblings didn’t help raise me; I became the helper to my mom and my brother who was a mess and my sister who was bitter about it. I didn’t get to be my own person until my late 20s. Having a big family just meant exponentially more dysfunction and obligation.

Christmas used to involve taking my brother out to smoke weed so he'd calm down and stop trying to pick fights with everyone else.

Weirdly enough we work one on one but get us all together and someone's going to scream at someone else and storm off.

This happens in my family and I only have one sister. And there's no third person to help us calm down with pot when we're fighting.

[Anonymous]

Don’t assume your third will be like your first 2.

There are so many different special needs and genetic conditions that cannot be detected prenatally. I did lots of genetic testing (pre conception testing, NIPT, Nuchal), my child was born with an unexpected genetic disorder that wasn’t picked up. Most of these kids never walk or talk. My child is doing well, much better than expected, but DC will still have significant special needs, forever.

What happened to me is very rare, but it’s also part of what you sign up for when you become a parent. Not all things can be anticipated or prevented.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread has been so helpful. We decided to go for number 3 over the holidays, and while we were excited we thought were going into it with eyes wide open. I’ve been reading this and other threads on 3 this month and we realized, after we got right up to that ledge, that maybe we don’t want what is on the other side of the ledge. Or rather, we “want” the big family but the other side of the ledge is terrifying. it took walking right up to it to notice it. Did anyone else feel this way and still go for it? I have to imagine moving forward with this much nervousness is a recipe for stress. Fwiw, I never felt like someone was missing from our family, just that we love kids and wanted a big family (chaos and all).

There was a thread in expectant moms (actually a few threads lately) from a woman who decided to go for a third, got pregnant and then decided to terminate because she realized she didn't actually want the third. You might find that thread useful as it had a lot of posters who had been in a similar situation.

I was a poster of one of those threads from last month. I had a surprise 3rd pregnancy and ultimately decided to terminate (so, not the thread cited here, but one of the others). It's been a month and I have some pangs of "what if" but I have no regrets. I've since changed my birth control plan. Like the PP at the top of this quote, I never felt like someone was missing from our family, though I did and do love the idea of a big family -- in theory. In practice, for my family, DH and I ultimately decided it wouldn't be the right decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread has been so helpful. We decided to go for number 3 over the holidays, and while we were excited we thought were going into it with eyes wide open. I’ve been reading this and other threads on 3 this month and we realized, after we got right up to that ledge, that maybe we don’t want what is on the other side of the ledge. Or rather, we “want” the big family but the other side of the ledge is terrifying. it took walking right up to it to notice it. Did anyone else feel this way and still go for it? I have to imagine moving forward with this much nervousness is a recipe for stress. Fwiw, I never felt like someone was missing from our family, just that we love kids and wanted a big family (chaos and all).

There was a thread in expectant moms (actually a few threads lately) from a woman who decided to go for a third, got pregnant and then decided to terminate because she realized she didn't actually want the third. You might find that thread useful as it had a lot of posters who had been in a similar situation.

I was a poster of one of those threads from last month. I had a surprise 3rd pregnancy and ultimately decided to terminate (so, not the thread cited here, but one of the others). It's been a month and I have some pangs of "what if" but I have no regrets. I've since changed my birth control plan. Like the PP at the top of this quote, I never felt like someone was missing from our family, though I did and do love the idea of a big family -- in theory. In practice, for my family, DH and I ultimately decided it wouldn't be the right decision.

Thank you for sharing. I am sure this was and will continue to be a big decision for your family and I wish you continued peace. I appreciate the framing of wanting a big family in theory vs practice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our third is autistic and has in many ways made our lives a living hell. Having said that, he is the greatest gift I've been given to date!!

Have your third.

Kudos to you. In your shoes, I would crumble.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 3 kids are 2.5 and then 2 years apart. Oldest was in preschool when the youngest arrived. I don't have a terribly clear memory of the first two years of the youngest's life - there wasn't a whole lot of sleeping going on (my kids didn't sleep well and I love sleep, which is why we don't have a fourth).

I think that survey that showed that parents of exactly 3 kids were the most stressed (even more than families with 4+) was right on. At 3 kids you can still try to keep up with the Joneses in terms of how many activities you do. Instead of managing a herd of children who behave like a team or a group, it's 3 individuals. You go from 1 inter-sibling relationship to 3 inter-sibling relationships. Also people seem to have this idea that a third child will be laid back and go with the flow. Maybe occasionally, but most 3rds I know are attention seekers and rather bossy, kind of like mini versions of 1st kids. So if you're having a 3rd thinking he/she will tag along with the rest of the family, don't.

That said, while I have occasionally thought that life might be a bit easier without our very intense third child, I don't regret her. During the pandemic, especially, it's been lovely to have 3 kids close in age who can hang out with each other.

Yes to the bolded! People need to understand that having a third child is NOT like having a second child. When you have a second child, you have to acclimate your first to the idea of being a sibling. It's a huge change, but it's manageable because the new baby is... a baby. The baby doesn't have to acclimate to being a sibling. You can just focus on the older child and really watch that relationship develop. There will be hiccups, but you'll see them right away and can troubleshoot as you go.

Having a third is sooo different. Both of the older kids have to acclimate, but to different stuff. The older child has to deal with, yet again, diminished attention from their parents. But the younger kid has to get used to the idea of not being the youngest, a totally different issue. They both have to develop separate relationships with the new baby, and you also have to watch their relationship to one another (plus manage your individual relationships with all three kids). It's so complicated. I think sometimes people get a false sense of security when the third baby is just born, because they are focused on the new baby and it doesn't feel that different the third time around. But there is a whole mountain of stuff going on with your kids during this transition, and by the time you tune into it, it might be overwhelming.

I have 4 kids and honestly, the bolder is the part that brings me a lot of joy. Seeing my oldest be a big brother to each child in different ways - share an interest with the 2nd, roughhouse with the 3rd, carry around the youngest, is absolutely amazing. Seeing my 2 middle kids as best friends is so sweet. Seeing the youngest 2 be little kids together is adorable. I can’t predict the future (perhaps you shouldn’t ask me, I am a mom of young kids) but I love this aspect. Sometimes there are fights because with the pandemic there’s too much together time. And yes it’s a lot of work... but I’m happy. I don’t understand all the downer responses here. That being said, we are comfortable financially but still probably make less than most people in DCUMland.

[Anonymous]

As the parent of 5, this whole thread strikes me as ridiculously one sided. If your kids are going to be well fed, clothed, and educated and there is a fulltime parent, and you both want a big family, then go for it. Of course it’s more work to raise more kids, but that work is 100% worthwhile. I have a sibling who never has had to take care of anyone but themself — talk about selfish — having a big family is the opposite of selfish. All you need to know is how you are 150% grateful for having not just one child, and extend that in your mind to additional children. Of course you will be glad you followed your dream of a big family, unless some kind of tragedy strikes.

Another thing: big families were the norm for hundreds of years, and I get that raising children is way more expensive now, but if you’ve got the money, why not?