Ever regret having the third child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I should note as someone from a big family, you shouldn't ask moms of young kids this. The chaos didn't really get into full swing until my oldest brother was a teen.

Even now, I kind of dread holidays with my everyone because it's always so loud. But this is also a fun combo of a large family and multiple people with ADHD.

Huh. Coming from a family of 4, I thought that’s when it got super fun!

Yeah nothing fun about your brother getting arrested for dealing drugs. Yes, he straightened out as an adult but things were very stressful when I was a kid and if you're the low stress kid of four you kind of have to take care of yourself.

[Anonymous]

Regret is the wrong word but yes in a way. Our older two are 8 and 6. Things had just gotten fun. Now we need to divide and conquer. Things like skiing as a whole family will need to wait years. If given a magical time machine I probably would have stuck at two even though our third is gorgeous and sweet. It’s not about her being great or not great it’s about the whole family dynamic having shifted in a way I’m not crazy about. Honest answer here.

[Anonymous]

I want a 3rd. I think it's legitimately going to suck for all of us for like 2 years, but I still want one.

One thing that scares me though, is thinking of Andrea Yates... I don't know much about her, but presumably she was a normal mom to FOUR kids before she finally snapped with the 5th. What if 3 is my snapping point?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Regret is the wrong word but yes in a way. Our older two are 8 and 6. Things had just gotten fun. Now we need to divide and conquer. Things like skiing as a whole family will need to wait years. If given a magical time machine I probably would have stuck at two even though our third is gorgeous and sweet. It’s not about her being great or not great it’s about the whole family dynamic having shifted in a way I’m not crazy about. Honest answer here.

That definitely sounds like less fun, but you and the other poster who "regrets" her child just make me think - you really value restaurants, skiing, and small SUV's over having a third child? Really? Those are your priorities in life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I want a 3rd. I think it's legitimately going to suck for all of us for like 2 years, but I still want one.

One thing that scares me though, is thinking of Andrea Yates... I don't know much about her, but presumably she was a normal mom to FOUR kids before she finally snapped with the 5th. What if 3 is my snapping point?

There was a lot of warning with Andrea Yates. Her doctor warned her husband not to have more kids. She struggled with severe post partum issues with her previous kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Regret is the wrong word but yes in a way. Our older two are 8 and 6. Things had just gotten fun. Now we need to divide and conquer. Things like skiing as a whole family will need to wait years. If given a magical time machine I probably would have stuck at two even though our third is gorgeous and sweet. It’s not about her being great or not great it’s about the whole family dynamic having shifted in a way I’m not crazy about. Honest answer here.

I think it's all about age spacing. We have two under two and if we have a third I want to do it ASAP. No way am I getting out of nap and diaper stage and going backwards.

[Anonymous]

I really want a third, but the finances dictate otherwise. It makes me so sad sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Regret is the wrong word but yes in a way. Our older two are 8 and 6. Things had just gotten fun. Now we need to divide and conquer. Things like skiing as a whole family will need to wait years. If given a magical time machine I probably would have stuck at two even though our third is gorgeous and sweet. It’s not about her being great or not great it’s about the whole family dynamic having shifted in a way I’m not crazy about. Honest answer here.

That definitely sounds like less fun, but you and the other poster who "regrets" her child just make me think - you really value restaurants, skiing, and small SUV's over having a third child? Really? Those are your priorities in life?

Responses like this are so unfair. Are you suggesting that more kids always equals more fun? Even if it means giving up the family activities you love during the peak years of travel as a family? I'm not suggesting every family should make the same calculations, but the reasons listed above are akin to those that are tipping me and DH more towards "let's just stick with 2 and enjoy all the fun things we're able to do as a family now".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Regret is the wrong word but yes in a way. Our older two are 8 and 6. Things had just gotten fun. Now we need to divide and conquer. Things like skiing as a whole family will need to wait years. If given a magical time machine I probably would have stuck at two even though our third is gorgeous and sweet. It’s not about her being great or not great it’s about the whole family dynamic having shifted in a way I’m not crazy about. Honest answer here.

That definitely sounds like less fun, but you and the other poster who "regrets" her child just make me think - you really value restaurants, skiing, and small SUV's over having a third child? Really? Those are your priorities in life?

Responses like this are so unfair. Are you suggesting that more kids always equals more fun? Even if it means giving up the family activities you love during the peak years of travel as a family? I'm not suggesting every family should make the same calculations, but the reasons listed above are akin to those that are tipping me and DH more towards "let's just stick with 2 and enjoy all the fun things we're able to do as a family now".

My mom was from one of those giant religious families and they couldn't afford stuff like shampoo and my mom used every pencil at school until it was a nub. My mom hated it. It doesn't mean my mom thought shampoo or pencils were more important than family. Financial security and cushion and the ability to afford things for your kids matters.

[Anonymous]

Yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Regret is the wrong word but yes in a way. Our older two are 8 and 6. Things had just gotten fun. Now we need to divide and conquer. Things like skiing as a whole family will need to wait years. If given a magical time machine I probably would have stuck at two even though our third is gorgeous and sweet. It’s not about her being great or not great it’s about the whole family dynamic having shifted in a way I’m not crazy about. Honest answer here.

That definitely sounds like less fun, but you and the other poster who "regrets" her child just make me think - you really value restaurants, skiing, and small SUV's over having a third child? Really? Those are your priorities in life?

Responses like this are so unfair. Are you suggesting that more kids always equals more fun? Even if it means giving up the family activities you love during the peak years of travel as a family? I'm not suggesting every family should make the same calculations, but the reasons listed above are akin to those that are tipping me and DH more towards "let's just stick with 2 and enjoy all the fun things we're able to do as a family now".

My mom was from one of those giant religious families and they couldn't afford stuff like shampoo and my mom used every pencil at school until it was a nub. My mom hated it. It doesn't mean my mom thought shampoo or pencils were more important than family. Financial security and cushion and the ability to afford things for your kids matters.

PP "That definitely sounds..." I didn't say more kids sounded more fun. The vacations definitely sound more fun, but is that really what you value? A few extra years of restaurants and vacations, vs. a lifetime of a 3rd kid? A smaller car? Like, you're gonna be on your deathbed saying "I'm sure glad I got to keep my small SUV vs. having another child." My in laws had 3 kids, and now they have all the time in the world to go on vacation and go to restaurants. And like, plenty of people have 3+ kids AND go on vacations and go to restaurants...........

Also, there is a difference between sacrificing ski vacations vs. sacrificing shampoo and pencils haha. Yea, if you can't afford shampoo and pencils then don't have 3 kids.....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Regret is the wrong word but yes in a way. Our older two are 8 and 6. Things had just gotten fun. Now we need to divide and conquer. Things like skiing as a whole family will need to wait years. If given a magical time machine I probably would have stuck at two even though our third is gorgeous and sweet. It’s not about her being great or not great it’s about the whole family dynamic having shifted in a way I’m not crazy about. Honest answer here.

That definitely sounds like less fun, but you and the other poster who "regrets" her child just make me think - you really value restaurants, skiing, and small SUV's over having a third child? Really? Those are your priorities in life?

This is missing the point. It's not that restaurants, skiing, and small SUVs are a "value", these are just the things that these PPs are highlighting as examples of a different value, which is flexibility. With a smaller family, you can bend your family to fit the world. With a larger family, you have to bend the world to fit your family. It's limiting. That doesn't mean you don't love your kids or there aren't fun things about having a big family, but it is the truth.

People talk a lot about things being "family-friendly." Is that restaurant family-friendly? Do you have family-friendly vacation ideas? Is that a family-friendly neighborhood? But the thing about a big family is that it's not very "world-friendly". It's unwieldy. People will invite you over less often (or not at all) because they don't have the space to accommodate you. People will not want to sit near your family at restaurants. Lots of activities will be prohibitively expensive because you have to pay for that 5th and even 6th ticket. Some places simply won't have room for you. And when you are out in the world together, you will often be way more focused on each other than the world around you, which will make people resentful.

It's not a judgment, just the truth. Bigger families are harder. You have to decide if that extra child is really worth those difficulties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Regret is the wrong word but yes in a way. Our older two are 8 and 6. Things had just gotten fun. Now we need to divide and conquer. Things like skiing as a whole family will need to wait years. If given a magical time machine I probably would have stuck at two even though our third is gorgeous and sweet. It’s not about her being great or not great it’s about the whole family dynamic having shifted in a way I’m not crazy about. Honest answer here.

That definitely sounds like less fun, but you and the other poster who "regrets" her child just make me think - you really value restaurants, skiing, and small SUV's over having a third child? Really? Those are your priorities in life?

This is missing the point. It's not that restaurants, skiing, and small SUVs are a "value", these are just the things that these PPs are highlighting as examples of a different value, which is flexibility. With a smaller family, you can bend your family to fit the world. With a larger family, you have to bend the world to fit your family. It's limiting. That doesn't mean you don't love your kids or there aren't fun things about having a big family, but it is the truth.

People talk a lot about things being "family-friendly." Is that restaurant family-friendly? Do you have family-friendly vacation ideas? Is that a family-friendly neighborhood? But the thing about a big family is that it's not very "world-friendly". It's unwieldy. People will invite you over less often (or not at all) because they don't have the space to accommodate you. People will not want to sit near your family at restaurants. Lots of activities will be prohibitively expensive because you have to pay for that 5th and even 6th ticket. Some places simply won't have room for you. And when you are out in the world together, you will often be way more focused on each other than the world around you, which will make people resentful.

It's not a judgment, just the truth. Bigger families are harder. You have to decide if that extra child is really worth those difficulties.

As a kid of a larger family, those little frustrations extended to the kids. My Dad made enough that I never qualified for financial aid, but they hadn't saved college funds for all of us and try as I could I didn't get the scholarships to make up the difference, so that big envelope from my dream school went in the trash. Other little things like I didn't get to choose what instrument I learned in band because my older sister had a flute and they couldn't afford another instrument. Made the travel team? Can't afford it.

My parents were good parents, but it's simply not the life I want for my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am from a large family (third of four kids) and I wish my parents had stopped at two. I think they would have been happier, but I especially think their kids would have been happier. More kids means fewer resources per kid. And because of age differences, it's actually impossible to allocate the resources equally. Impossible. You can never give your younger children the same amount of parental attention as the old children because there are simply more people around. People will say "oh, but they get attention from the older kids." Okay, in some families maybe that's good attention. In mine, it was not good attention because the older children were resentful towards the younger children. That's not love and care.

Also, having four kids took a serious toll on my parents' mental health while also zapping them of the financial and time resources they needed to address both these mental health issues and others that would have arisen no matter what (their own messy childhoods, middle age stuff, etc.). There was simply not enough resources to go around, to anyone. And we were relatively well off. But four kids is so many mouths to feed, so many educations to tend to, so many inner emotional lives to monitor and feed.

I think this only works if you have additional adults around. A very involved (or preferably multiple very involved) grandparents. A full time nanny. And even then, you are going to have to manage these complicated schedules. Plus, those extra adults have their own needs. What happens when your parents need end of life care. What happens when your wonderful nanny wants to move home to be near her own grandchildren. You need resources upon resources. Modern life is hard and complicated.

Don't have more kids just because you "love little kids" or "always dreamed of a big family." It's frankly selfish. Think what life will really be like for your children. Ask yourself if your fantasy of what life with a big family will be like is worth potentially having kids who resent their childhood and their siblings forever because they just did not get the love and support they needed as children. Really think about it.

This. This post should be required reading. My parents had three and loved us all dearly, but it was clear that time and attention were in short supply for #3 and stress levels high. I think unless you have a lot of help, family and paid, two is the limit that most can handle whether one or two incomes. Anyone who says otherwise either has a wonderful support network, crazy levels of energy, or makes liberal use of TV/tablet as a babysitter.

At some point, more is going to be less. I love little kids but I also know that teenagers etc. is a different stage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Regret is the wrong word but yes in a way. Our older two are 8 and 6. Things had just gotten fun. Now we need to divide and conquer. Things like skiing as a whole family will need to wait years. If given a magical time machine I probably would have stuck at two even though our third is gorgeous and sweet. It’s not about her being great or not great it’s about the whole family dynamic having shifted in a way I’m not crazy about. Honest answer here.

That definitely sounds like less fun, but you and the other poster who "regrets" her child just make me think - you really value restaurants, skiing, and small SUV's over having a third child? Really? Those are your priorities in life?

This is missing the point. It's not that restaurants, skiing, and small SUVs are a "value", these are just the things that these PPs are highlighting as examples of a different value, which is flexibility. With a smaller family, you can bend your family to fit the world. With a larger family, you have to bend the world to fit your family. It's limiting. That doesn't mean you don't love your kids or there aren't fun things about having a big family, but it is the truth.

People talk a lot about things being "family-friendly." Is that restaurant family-friendly? Do you have family-friendly vacation ideas? Is that a family-friendly neighborhood? But the thing about a big family is that it's not very "world-friendly". It's unwieldy. People will invite you over less often (or not at all) because they don't have the space to accommodate you. People will not want to sit near your family at restaurants. Lots of activities will be prohibitively expensive because you have to pay for that 5th and even 6th ticket. Some places simply won't have room for you. And when you are out in the world together, you will often be way more focused on each other than the world around you, which will make people resentful.

It's not a judgment, just the truth. Bigger families are harder. You have to decide if that extra child is really worth those difficulties.

As a kid of a larger family, those little frustrations extended to the kids. My Dad made enough that I never qualified for financial aid, but they hadn't saved college funds for all of us and try as I could I didn't get the scholarships to make up the difference, so that big envelope from my dream school went in the trash. Other little things like I didn't get to choose what instrument I learned in band because my older sister had a flute and they couldn't afford another instrument. Made the travel team? Can't afford it.

My parents were good parents, but it's simply not the life I want for my kids.

But again, this is about money. Some families can give everyone the flute. It’s only a reason to have 2 if you can’t afford more