Is this a South Asian practice or not?

[Anonymous]

Why are most Divorce Lawyers White? Is it a White thing??

https://www.washingtonian.com/best/lawyers/search/speciality/Divorce%20and%20Family%20Law/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So the OP is not upset about not saving more for retirement or college as previously stated. Ultimately she feels inadequate about how little she helps her parents compared to her Dh, so will now also take better care of her parents too.

Glad you’ve been able to evolve through this and culturally adapt to family values that are not familiar to you. I’m sure your parents will be pleased too.

OP's ILs do not need monetary help. They are being treated well by their well to do offsprings. They will also leave behind considerable inheritence to their children and OP will benefit. OP is low income and her parents are also not well-off. She really is hoping to pass on some of her DH's earnings to her parents too.

Sorry but my parents are not low income at all. My father is a physician who recently retired and my mother also worked. Where are you getting this low income stuff from?

Then why do you need to help them? You are seriously not making any sense, OP. Do your parents WANT you to help him? Otherwise, your weird tit for tat, I need to give my parents money because my husband gives his parents money thing is just flat out bizarre.

For the same reason my husband ‘needs’ to help his parents.

It’s not because they want my help but because it is only fair to also help support them financially after my in-laws have received it for years!

[Anonymous]

My sister and I support our SA parents who sacrificed everything for us and now have nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister and I support our SA parents who sacrificed everything for us and now have nothing.

They have everything because their sacrifice did not go to waste. They have well raised children who are full of gratitude.

[Anonymous]

For real, I'm not sure OP realizes how difficult things were for immigrants who came to study here in the 60s and 70s - even I didn't know how hard it was for my parents until pretty recently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are most Divorce Lawyers White? Is it a White thing??

https://www.washingtonian.com/best/lawyers/search/speciality/Divorce%20and%20Family%20Law/

Because most U.S. lawyers are white?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So the OP is not upset about not saving more for retirement or college as previously stated. Ultimately she feels inadequate about how little she helps her parents compared to her Dh, so will now also take better care of her parents too.

Glad you’ve been able to evolve through this and culturally adapt to family values that are not familiar to you. I’m sure your parents will be pleased too.

No that’s not correct. I am upset that we can’t save more for college and retirement, but I will be even more disappointed if we only financially support my patriarchal, narcissistic MIL and not give the same to my own parents who unlike her, are selfless and unassuming people. So basically I would rather be less financially stable myself and support both sides of the family, not just my husband’s.

I think I sort of understand where you are coming from, OP. I wonder from your update if you are questioning if this is something your husband loves to do and it brings him joy vs. something he feels he should do after some manipulation by your MIL. I think it’s actually really normal for moms to think they did SO much for their kids (I have heard my own MIL talk about the sacrifices she made by being a SAHM when my husband actually felt very smothered big chunks of his life) but some moms talk about it a lot more than others. My mom seems to think everything she did is normal and frankly I agree even though she’s a great mom! Because I expect to do those things for my kids out of love and don’t want anyone to feel guilty ever.

This doesn’t sound cultural in the sense that this what SA families do (I’m not SA so can’t weigh in on that) but it is sort of their family’s culture maybe? My MIL has one brother who never married and earned a ton on money and did big things like what you are describing for their parents. She’s mentioned all those things a few times and my husband just laughs because…we have kids and a mortgage and you know, bills! And they have plenty of money to do these things themselves. I think they would love to be able to brag about their very successful son treating them because it’s like a double brag, my son is really successful and also he loves me so much! We have done small things but we don’t feel like we need to do something like this just to give bragging rights. Meanwhile my parents have considerably less money but have the opposite expectation - they send us checks for small treats and also provide a lot of support and help with the kids. So I’m glad my husband is on the same page as me, it would feel weird to be giving lavish gifts to one side of the family because they asked for them but not the other. My parents would not accept a comparable gift so I can’t really imagine your solution but if it reduced friction in your family maybe it’s right. Or maybe you have a conversation with your husband about if you can really afford to do these things because you are going to expect it yo be more even - is he really happy to spend double that amount on trips for parents? Or maybe you guys agree on the same amount but it’s split evenly either 50/50 or according to your incomes. But I agree if your family splashes out on trips for parents it should be for both sets of parents. I don’t feel like everything has to be bean counted but it sounds like this is a lot of money for your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For real, I'm not sure OP realizes how difficult things were for immigrants who came to study here in the 60s and 70s - even I didn't know how hard it was for my parents until pretty recently.

This^. Your husband knows why he values his upbringing, you don't. My son's BFF is not Indian but SA. His parents literally paid for everything so he can focus on his studies. I mean literally everything, high tuition, rent, utilities, food deliveries, flights, clothing, books, car, gas, insurance and what not. They were easily spending $80K per year. They are upper middle class but their savings and lifestyle took huge hits for 8 years until he staryed earning residency pay, which isn't enough to cover high COL area so they are still subsidizing him. They could have easily saved a million per child and invested it to become wealthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For real, I'm not sure OP realizes how difficult things were for immigrants who came to study here in the 60s and 70s - even I didn't know how hard it was for my parents until pretty recently.

This^. Your husband knows why he values his upbringing, you don't. My son's BFF is not Indian but SA. His parents literally paid for everything so he can focus on his studies. I mean literally everything, high tuition, rent, utilities, food deliveries, flights, clothing, books, car, gas, insurance and what not. They were easily spending $80K per year. They are upper middle class but their savings and lifestyle took huge hits for 8 years until he staryed earning residency pay, which isn't enough to cover high COL area so they are still subsidizing him. They could have easily saved a million per child and invested it to become wealthy.

He'll have good income, my uncle spent a fortune on my cousins and let them pick low income potential careers. They do love him but NGOs doesnt even pay enough to cover their own expenses. He doesn't care though, he is happy with simple life.

[Anonymous]

I think real issue isn't money but disdain for MIL and resentment for not having full control over family's finances. She isn't aware of or grateful for her good fortune. Focus isn't on 90% he is spending on family but 10% he is sprnding on parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For real, I'm not sure OP realizes how difficult things were for immigrants who came to study here in the 60s and 70s - even I didn't know how hard it was for my parents until pretty recently.

This^. Your husband knows why he values his upbringing, you don't. My son's BFF is not Indian but SA. His parents literally paid for everything so he can focus on his studies. I mean literally everything, high tuition, rent, utilities, food deliveries, flights, clothing, books, car, gas, insurance and what not. They were easily spending $80K per year. They are upper middle class but their savings and lifestyle took huge hits for 8 years until he staryed earning residency pay, which isn't enough to cover high COL area so they are still subsidizing him. They could have easily saved a million per child and invested it to become wealthy.

I'm the person you're quoting. My grandparents didn't have $80, let alone $80,000 to spend on my dad's education. My dad had to raise funds from his community to pay for his airplane flight to the U.S. for his phD. It's not just Indian immigrants - I have a lot of friends who are children of immigrants from all over the world whose parents have the same stories as mine. If OP's IL's situation was anything like my family's, it's no wonder their children want to buy them the world. They went through a lot.

[Anonymous]

OP you should consider that a guy who looks after his parents so well will probably always look after his children and you in the same way.

Having said that, it seems that you do have some issue with the SA culture. It is sad that you chose to marry an SA person and have 1/2 SA kids feeling as you do.

[Anonymous]

Her disdain for south asians is clear, its just sad considering her children are half SA. Its a bigger problem than a husband earning $500k spending $10-12k to pamper folks who loved AND financed big chunk of his life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So the OP is not upset about not saving more for retirement or college as previously stated. Ultimately she feels inadequate about how little she helps her parents compared to her Dh, so will now also take better care of her parents too.

Glad you’ve been able to evolve through this and culturally adapt to family values that are not familiar to you. I’m sure your parents will be pleased too.

OP's ILs do not need monetary help. They are being treated well by their well to do offsprings. They will also leave behind considerable inheritence to their children and OP will benefit. OP is low income and her parents are also not well-off. She really is hoping to pass on some of her DH's earnings to her parents too.

Sorry but my parents are not low income at all. My father is a physician who recently retired and my mother also worked. Where are you getting this low income stuff from?

Then why do you need to help them? You are seriously not making any sense, OP. Do your parents WANT you to help him? Otherwise, your weird tit for tat, I need to give my parents money because my husband gives his parents money thing is just flat out bizarre.

For the same reason my husband ‘needs’ to help his parents.

It’s not because they want my help but because it is only fair to also help support them financially after my in-laws have received it for years!

Money isn't the problem, pettiness, comparison and resentment is. What's disturbing is the reason behind supporting her own parents is about using them as a pawn in her fight, not out of care or need.

[Anonymous]

I’m back to say please don’t make this into a racism issue and disdain over South Indian culture. I have the utmost respect for many parts of Indian culture. However let’s admit that no culture is perfect so there are some faults (patriarchy in esp in North India being one of them.)