Is this a South Asian practice or not?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG, people and their "do most south asian families..." questions! This is like me asking "do most Midwestern in-laws do x, y, z" when my husband's family does something that I find odd.

I grew up in the U.S. to South Asian immigrants. My parents would pay for everything if we didn't insist on paying our own way - they have never asked us for anything!! They certainly pay for our joint vacations and have offered to even pay for our flights out to visit them. They have even helped us out with things like tutoring and summer camp before.

In your situation, it sounds like maybe your in-laws aren't in a great financial situation and have asked your husband and his brother for help. If you're no longer in the position to help, then that is something your husband needs to talk to his brother and parents about. But no, we have the opposite problem of what you have.

And also, your comment "It’s frustrating that the well off white families of dcum get all these things covered by their parents and not vice versa!" is just gross and makes you sound entitled and spoiled. Where are YOUR white parents in this whole mix? Why aren't THEY spoiling you?

No, I think their financial situation is fine. They recently sold their home and downsized, my fil still collects a pension and had full medical coverage. Really, they have lived very modestly their whole lives. They just covered my husband’s college expenses, not anything else.

First of all my parents are not white.

Second of all they paid for my education, my wedding and helped me when I was in grad school, but I haven’t (and won’t) take any financial support from them at this time of my life as a working adult woman.

I don’t support them financially in any way and don’t expect them to support me. I do support them in other non monetary ways whenever they need it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG, people and their "do most south asian families..." questions! This is like me asking "do most Midwestern in-laws do x, y, z" when my husband's family does something that I find odd.

I grew up in the U.S. to South Asian immigrants. My parents would pay for everything if we didn't insist on paying our own way - they have never asked us for anything!! They certainly pay for our joint vacations and have offered to even pay for our flights out to visit them. They have even helped us out with things like tutoring and summer camp before.

In your situation, it sounds like maybe your in-laws aren't in a great financial situation and have asked your husband and his brother for help. If you're no longer in the position to help, then that is something your husband needs to talk to his brother and parents about. But no, we have the opposite problem of what you have.

And also, your comment "It’s frustrating that the well off white families of dcum get all these things covered by their parents and not vice versa!" is just gross and makes you sound entitled and spoiled. Where are YOUR white parents in this whole mix? Why aren't THEY spoiling you?

+1.

My parents historically have paid for everything when we are with them - this has changed a little recent years, but they never have expected us to pay for things and my husband and I have to fight my dad for the check still.

I know of other parents (Indian and East Asian, and some white Americans!) who expect their children to pay for everything, including cars/condos. This is considered “cultural” for them.

If you have a problem with it, discuss it with your husband, but good luck with that…

[Anonymous]

I’m married to the eldest son of a south Asian family (Bangladeshi to be specific). MIL has hinted HEAVILY that she expects us to send her abroad but we have resisted so far. But yes we do pick up all restaurant checks and have paid for domestic travel and are starting to do some elder care type tasks.

[Anonymous]

I’m Bangladeshi American and my parents won’t let me pay for anything when we go on trips (maybe once every 5 years) or out to meals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m Bangladeshi American and my parents won’t let me pay for anything when we go on trips (maybe once every 5 years) or out to meals.

Are you a woman?

[Anonymous]

No; Indian here and my parents are the opposite

[Anonymous]

I suppose it depends on which generation has more disposable income, and what each other's perception is of the other's disposable income...

My European parents thought DH and I were poor for a very long time, and wanted to pay for many things. It's only recently that we've prevailed on them to accept gifts of vacations.

My eastern Asian ILs always offer to pay, even though they are not wealthy at all. However they think they are, because they clawed their way from war refugee, "nothing but the clothes on your back" status to the middle class, and are happy to host gatherings and pay for dinners out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m Bangladeshi American and my parents won’t let me pay for anything when we go on trips (maybe once every 5 years) or out to meals.

Are you a woman?

If you are asking this question then you don't understand south asian family dynamics. Parents are much more likely to do everything for their son than for their daughter. The daughter is her in-laws problem, LOL!

[Anonymous]

I'll answer what I answered on the other thread:

What a stupid question - this is 100% dependent on personality and the involved parties' financial situations.

[Anonymous]

Wow op! How much are you all spending on these trips? 10k a year? I’m just a bit surprised that parents would take money out of their grandkids hands

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok the other thread about covering the parents’ Anniversary trip got me thinking…. Do most South Asian families cover expenses like trips and dinners for their parents/ in-laws?

I married into an educated Indian American family: typical father in law was an engineer/ mother was a sahm situation. They have 2 sons, one in finance and the other a physician in academics. Basically we split paying for almost all the in-laws’ trips: vacations that they take with us, their trips to India, their domestic trip to visit us, and will often even upgrade them to business class since my MIL has “ back issues” etc. We also cover every meal whenever we go out to eat with them, which is pretty often.

It’s all getting to be too much given that we have our own expenses: daycare, retirement, mortgage, private school expenses since the pandemic, and I didn’t go into a lucrative field myself.

Do most South Asian families cover these types of expenses for their parents and in-laws or is it just us? It’s frustrating that the well off white families of dcum get all these things covered by their parents and not vice versa! I want to say something to my DH about it but won’t if it’s some sort of cultural practice that’s expected in the South Asian community.

Its very common for SA children to provide for their parents in old age as parents too make every sacrifice they can fir their children. For example, my SA boss's children never earned a penny until they started their professional jobs after grad schools. All of their expenses including full pay at expensive colleges, rents, travel, dinning out etc were covered by parents. It would be very selfish if their children aren't reimbursing them in some ways once they are retired.

[Anonymous]

My SA parents are well off and still insist on spoiling us even though we are gainfully employed adults. They gifted us downpayment $$$$$$ for our new house. My grandparents weren't well off, my dad took care of them from the day his dad retired to the day they died. I guess it goes both ways. I've been on receiving end so far but I wouldn't hesitate for a second if my parents ever needed anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow op! How much are you all spending on these trips? 10k a year? I’m just a bit surprised that parents would take money out of their grandkids hands

OP's husband and his brother are physicians and tech professionals, I'm sure their children are living very comfortably. It seems OP is upset because this money can go towards lifestyle improvement, not worried about unpaid grocery ir electric bills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG, people and their "do most south asian families..." questions! This is like me asking "do most Midwestern in-laws do x, y, z" when my husband's family does something that I find odd.

I grew up in the U.S. to South Asian immigrants. My parents would pay for everything if we didn't insist on paying our own way - they have never asked us for anything!! They certainly pay for our joint vacations and have offered to even pay for our flights out to visit them. They have even helped us out with things like tutoring and summer camp before.

In your situation, it sounds like maybe your in-laws aren't in a great financial situation and have asked your husband and his brother for help. If you're no longer in the position to help, then that is something your husband needs to talk to his brother and parents about. But no, we have the opposite problem of what you have.

And also, your comment "It’s frustrating that the well off white families of dcum get all these things covered by their parents and not vice versa!" is just gross and makes you sound entitled and spoiled. Where are YOUR white parents in this whole mix? Why aren't THEY spoiling you?

+1.

My parents historically have paid for everything when we are with them - this has changed a little recent years, but they never have expected us to pay for things and my husband and I have to fight my dad for the check still.

I know of other parents (Indian and East Asian, and some white Americans!) who expect their children to pay for everything, including cars/condos. This is considered “cultural” for them.

If you have a problem with it, discuss it with your husband, but good luck with that…

I'm Indian-American and my parents want to cover our expenses like family travel. Even helping with kid stuff. In my circle, this is the norm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok the other thread about covering the parents’ Anniversary trip got me thinking…. Do most South Asian families cover expenses like trips and dinners for their parents/ in-laws?

I married into an educated Indian American family: typical father in law was an engineer/ mother was a sahm situation. They have 2 sons, one in finance and the other a physician in academics. Basically we split paying for almost all the in-laws’ trips: vacations that they take with us, their trips to India, their domestic trip to visit us, and will often even upgrade them to business class since my MIL has “ back issues” etc. We also cover every meal whenever we go out to eat with them, which is pretty often.

It’s all getting to be too much given that we have our own expenses: daycare, retirement, mortgage, private school expenses since the pandemic, and I didn’t go into a lucrative field myself.

Do most South Asian families cover these types of expenses for their parents and in-laws or is it just us? It’s frustrating that the well off white families of dcum get all these things covered by their parents and not vice versa! I want to say something to my DH about it but won’t if it’s some sort of cultural practice that’s expected in the South Asian community.

Its very common for SA children to provide for their parents in old age as parents too make every sacrifice they can fir their children. For example, my SA boss's children never earned a penny until they started their professional jobs after grad schools. All of their expenses including full pay at expensive colleges, rents, travel, dinning out etc were covered by parents. It would be very selfish if their children aren't reimbursing them in some ways once they are retired.

Reimburse. Well, there you have it.

Some parents have children as a safety net in old age. This is especially true in societies where social security and other retirement services are lacking. The kids are well versed from a young age in the language of guilt and manipulation: Look at all the sacrifices we made for you!

Parenting is HARD, there's no question. All decent parents give up things dear to themselves to raise the kids, both physical and intangible. But the mentality that "Oh I made all the sacrifices for you, therefore you must pay me back" is repugnant in today's society. It perverts and corrupts the idea of parenthood, making it a transactional relationship.