Is this a South Asian practice or not?

[Anonymous]

OP, your frustration is understandable, but your solution is a bit, cut off your nose to spite your face.

You need to sit down with your H and talk through financial goals. How much do you need to save each month, what are all the anticipated expenses, normal budget items, etc. Once you both have a clear idea how close or how far you're from your financial goals, then take actions from there.

If it becomes clear that you're not hitting your financial goals, then THAT's the conversation to have with your H. A clear headed discussion about where you guys can cut spending, with no emotion attached to it.

Your parents do not want you to rob your future self to treat them to some fancy trips. Think about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So the OP is not upset about not saving more for retirement or college as previously stated. Ultimately she feels inadequate about how little she helps her parents compared to her Dh, so will now also take better care of her parents too.

Glad you’ve been able to evolve through this and culturally adapt to family values that are not familiar to you. I’m sure your parents will be pleased too.

No that’s not correct. I am upset that we can’t save more for college and retirement, but I will be even more disappointed if we only financially support my patriarchal, narcissistic MIL and not give the same to my own parents who unlike her, are selfless and unassuming people. So basically I would rather be less financially stable myself and support both sides of the family, not just my husband’s.

What? You are cutting off your nose to spite your face. Lets face it, his parents are more well off, their sons are high earners and treat their parents because remember how they were treated, not only parents spent on them when they were growing up but will leave more because they live frugally. To no fault of yours or your parents, they weren't as well off, you had to take debt, earn less and likely not getting any inheritance.

You feel insecure and make comparisons. Your dislike of your MIL has little to do in this equation. Its inferiority complex. If you want to help out your parents, its perfectly fine and you should but do it out of goodness not out of jealousy and inferiority. If you were as worried about own family's future as you say you are or want your husband to be, you would improve income and control lifestyle expenses.

[Anonymous]

If your parents need help with paying their bills you should absolutely help them. How is this even a question? No offspring should neglect their parents in their old age.

Your husband seems to have good upbringing and he will also certainly want to help out his in-laws too. I am sure if he is aware of their situation he will feel remorse that he did not think about it.
You may want to move your parents in with you to help them out further. They can save on rent and utilities etc and build their nest egg. Also, your children benefit by having access to the care and guidance of grandparents. Having multigenerational families is culturally very much accepted in South Asian households.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your parents need help with paying their bills you should absolutely help them. How is this even a question? No offspring should neglect their parents in their old age.

Your husband seems to have good upbringing and he will also certainly want to help out his in-laws too. I am sure if he is aware of their situation he will feel remorse that he did not think about it.
You may want to move your parents in with you to help them out further. They can save on rent and utilities etc and build their nest egg. Also, your children benefit by having access to the care and guidance of grandparents. Having multigenerational families is culturally very much accepted in South Asian households.

My parents do not need help paying their bills. Have you even read anything I’ve written?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your parents need help with paying their bills you should absolutely help them. How is this even a question? No offspring should neglect their parents in their old age.

Your husband seems to have good upbringing and he will also certainly want to help out his in-laws too. I am sure if he is aware of their situation he will feel remorse that he did not think about it.
You may want to move your parents in with you to help them out further. They can save on rent and utilities etc and build their nest egg. Also, your children benefit by having access to the care and guidance of grandparents. Having multigenerational families is culturally very much accepted in South Asian households.

My parents do not need help paying their bills. Have you even read anything I’ve written?!

Better to help them now when they are not in dire straits rather than later. Right now, they can also save face. It is also reciprocal because they can provide you childcare. Once they replenish their nest egg, and you save on childcare - the financial situation for your parents and your own household will improve. You will not have to worry about your retirement or your children college. Another thing is that in this way, you will set up your parents to succeed and they will not be a financial drain on you later in life. Because if they need help in the old age, you will not help them? That would be really a cruel thing, no?

As for your DH spending on his parents? Well, he knows he is going to get a sizeable inheritance from them so maybe he is trying to give some back to them in a round about way? Don't forget that the inheritance can also be used by you both for your kids college and your retirement.

I understand your worries but you don't have to worry about ILs. They will leave you more than what you can spend on them. What you have to worry about is making sure that your parents are not a drain on your resources. Having them live with you is a win-win.

[Anonymous]

Have you not read the many previous posts from numerous other South Asians that do not fund their parents and in fact get treated by them instead?

Through their replies, I’ve realized that this is not a South Asian custom as I previously thought and probably more of a guilt trip my MIL put on her children for all her so called ‘sacrifices’ she has made on their behalf.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your parents need help with paying their bills you should absolutely help them. How is this even a question? No offspring should neglect their parents in their old age.

Your husband seems to have good upbringing and he will also certainly want to help out his in-laws too. I am sure if he is aware of their situation he will feel remorse that he did not think about it.
You may want to move your parents in with you to help them out further. They can save on rent and utilities etc and build their nest egg. Also, your children benefit by having access to the care and guidance of grandparents. Having multigenerational families is culturally very much accepted in South Asian households.

My parents do not need help paying their bills. Have you even read anything I’ve written?!

Better to help them now when they are not in dire straits rather than later. Right now, they can also save face. It is also reciprocal because they can provide you childcare. Once they replenish their nest egg, and you save on childcare - the financial situation for your parents and your own household will improve. You will not have to worry about your retirement or your children college. Another thing is that in this way, you will set up your parents to succeed and they will not be a financial drain on you later in life. Because if they need help in the old age, you will not help them? That would be really a cruel thing, no?

As for your DH spending on his parents? Well, he knows he is going to get a sizeable inheritance from them so maybe he is trying to give some back to them in a round about way? Don't forget that the inheritance can also be used by you both for your kids college and your retirement.

I understand your worries but you don't have to worry about ILs. They will leave you more than what you can spend on them. What you have to worry about is making sure that your parents are not a drain on your resources. Having them live with you is a win-win.

Comparison if the thief of joy. You have to accept that your ILs are better off than your parents. In South Asian culture, it is ok for DIL to be from a lower status family. Aren't you lucky?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you not read the many previous posts from numerous other South Asians that do not fund their parents and in fact get treated by them instead?

Through their replies, I’ve realized that this is not a South Asian custom as I previously thought and probably more of a guilt trip my MIL put on her children for all her so called ‘sacrifices’ she has made on their behalf.

She raised two doctors? Yes, she did make sacrifices and her children appreciate the parents for that. Are you jealous that you did not have that support? Most South Asians love their parents and family members. It is lovely that both the sons respect their parents. The parents must have done something right in raising them. In your case, your parents raised a toxic person. You are a hateful leech.

[Anonymous]

Um ok. But since when is a physician (my father) of ‘lower status’ than an engineer (my fil)? Guess you must be another troll!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Um ok. But since when is a physician (my father) of ‘lower status’ than an engineer (my fil)? Guess you must be another troll!

A high paycheck does not translate to building wealth. Your father could not raise a physician and has a low earning offspring who seems to be very angry and stressed because of money issues. The FIL must have done a good job of securing his financial future and raising two physicians. It is good lesson for you to learn.

Why is your father not well-off after being a physician? Did you know that spentthrift ways are learnt and perhaps your parents and you are unable to spend less and build wealth. You should read Dave Ramsey's books to learn how to rein in costs and build wealth.

Please teach your kids to be careful with money and to respect their elders. One day, you will be in the position of your ILs. Karma is a b1itch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Thanks for everyone who responded in a civil way to my post. After thinking more about it, I realize that the main reasons I dislike my husband funding his parents is
1. I don’t help my parents financially as well and 2. I have a strained relationship for my Mil and don’t want so much of my money (yes I work full time too) going to her.

Unfortunately my MIL is one of those types of people that has groomed her sons from childhood to notice all of the ‘sacrifices’ she has made for them and therefore made them feel that they owe her to ‘take care’ of her financially in old age.These are the same types of sacrifices that any mother would make (including my own) except other mothers don’t constantly guilt trip their children about them.

Anyways, that along with the fact that she believes sons must take care of their parents and that girls automatically become part of their in-laws family and should sever ties to their birth family after marriage always rubbed me the wrong way!

Realizing this fact and that I’m not going to change them at the point, I think the best thing to do is to provide the same financial perks to my parents, as my in-laws get. Even if we have less money to retire or fund our children’s educations, I would feel better knowing that my husband’s parents are not the only ones benefitting from our money and that mine are too!

T

Since you are bean counting -
1) Did your parents also give the same amount of money in your upbringing, education etc?
2) Are you giving to your parents from the meagre amount you earn or are you dipping into what your husband makes?

Please point out where anyone said OP is earning a “meagre” amount with a doctorate. Thanks in advance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow op! How much are you all spending on these trips? 10k a year? I’m just a bit surprised that parents would take money out of their grandkids hands

OP's husband and his brother are physicians and tech professionals, I'm sure their children are living very comfortably. It seems OP is upset because this money can go towards lifestyle improvement, not worried about unpaid grocery ir electric bills.

Not true. My DH and I have a lot of expenses: educational loans, private school for kids since pandemic, mortgage, etc. I’m talking about saving for the kids’ College and our retirement. Unfortunately I didn’t go into a lucrative field because how did I know that in addition to supporting our kids, I would be helping to support in-laws that already have retirement savings, a pension, rental properties, and full medical coverage. So yes, I’m upset about it. I don’t even do it for my own parents who are not as well off as my in-laws!

Husband problem, not ethnicity problem.

Huh??! The DH's parents will be passing to their children a hefty inheritance. What will the DW's family be giving in terms of inheritance? It seems the DW's family are low SES and need the money their well-off son-in-law is earning. All of this is just creating a tempest in teacup to give money to the DW's family. Yikes and yuck!

WTF - it's not like she asked him if they could pay for stuff for her parents and he said no. She literally never even thought to do that until just now, apparently. She sounds selfish, if you ask me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So the OP is not upset about not saving more for retirement or college as previously stated. Ultimately she feels inadequate about how little she helps her parents compared to her Dh, so will now also take better care of her parents too.

Glad you’ve been able to evolve through this and culturally adapt to family values that are not familiar to you. I’m sure your parents will be pleased too.

OP's ILs do not need monetary help. They are being treated well by their well to do offsprings. They will also leave behind considerable inheritence to their children and OP will benefit. OP is low income and her parents are also not well-off. She really is hoping to pass on some of her DH's earnings to her parents too.

Where on earth did you get this from, crazy lady??? OP's not on food stamps while her husband sends his parents on lavish vacations, LOL! And she said absolutely nothing about her parents financial situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So the OP is not upset about not saving more for retirement or college as previously stated. Ultimately she feels inadequate about how little she helps her parents compared to her Dh, so will now also take better care of her parents too.

Glad you’ve been able to evolve through this and culturally adapt to family values that are not familiar to you. I’m sure your parents will be pleased too.

OP's ILs do not need monetary help. They are being treated well by their well to do offsprings. They will also leave behind considerable inheritence to their children and OP will benefit. OP is low income and her parents are also not well-off. She really is hoping to pass on some of her DH's earnings to her parents too.

Sorry but my parents are not low income at all. My father is a physician who recently retired and my mother also worked. Where are you getting this low income stuff from?

Then why do you need to help them? You are seriously not making any sense, OP. Do your parents WANT you to help him? Otherwise, your weird tit for tat, I need to give my parents money because my husband gives his parents money thing is just flat out bizarre.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you not read the many previous posts from numerous other South Asians that do not fund their parents and in fact get treated by them instead?

Through their replies, I’ve realized that this is not a South Asian custom as I previously thought and probably more of a guilt trip my MIL put on her children for all her so called ‘sacrifices’ she has made on their behalf.

I don't think you understand. Which is kind of baffling since you say you've been married for 20 years. But if that's what you've gleaned from these posts then I can see not so baffling after all.

Yes, South Asian parents will very much 'treat' their kids. This is especially so well into adulthood when their adult child is still not financially stable. But, in general, once the kids are financially secure and in stable married relationships, it would be kind of uncouth for the adult kids to still expect to be treated by their parents and to not instead start treating the parents.

I mean if you've got a great career, married, kids, etc, why would you still expect things from your parents that have already given you so much support? Now if the kid is not in a very lucrative career, the story is different. But that's not the case here.

Yes, there will be squabbles over the dinner check, the parents may treat a vacation if they really feel like they want to, but the adult kids do too if they they can.

But you do you, just be sure to put your obvious disdain for South Asian culture aside for the sake of your half South Asian kids if that divorce ever happens.