Is this a South Asian practice or not?

[Anonymous]

Ok the other thread about covering the parents’ Anniversary trip got me thinking…. Do most South Asian families cover expenses like trips and dinners for their parents/ in-laws?

I married into an educated Indian American family: typical father in law was an engineer/ mother was a sahm situation. They have 2 sons, one in finance and the other a physician in academics. Basically we split paying for almost all the in-laws’ trips: vacations that they take with us, their trips to India, their domestic trip to visit us, and will often even upgrade them to business class since my MIL has “ back issues” etc. We also cover every meal whenever we go out to eat with them, which is pretty often.

It’s all getting to be too much given that we have our own expenses: daycare, retirement, mortgage, private school expenses since the pandemic, and I didn’t go into a lucrative field myself.

Do most South Asian families cover these types of expenses for their parents and in-laws or is it just us? It’s frustrating that the well off white families of dcum get all these things covered by their parents and not vice versa! I want to say something to my DH about it but won’t if it’s some sort of cultural practice that’s expected in the South Asian community.

[Anonymous]

It's not UNcommon, let's put it that way. Part of the taking care of your parents as they age thing.

If it makes you feel any better, two of my South Asian friends bought houses/condos for their parents to live in.

[Anonymous]

I grew up UMC (2 physician parents) and am Indian-American. My parents tend to cover expenses like family dinner or milestone family vacation. I don't think it's South Asian per se for kids to support parents so much as it is for families to support each other. I would have no issue paying for my parents if it weren't the case that they are financially better off (or at least financially the same) as us. It just doesn't make sense.

Now, my DH is white (multiple generations in the US), and we have supported his family in the past. Their financial situation changed recently, and now that's no longer an issue. But I went into our marriage expecting we'd be supporting ILs in their old age. I also probably wouldn't be in this marriage if DH didn't feel a sense of obligation and connection with his family like I do with mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not UNcommon, let's put it that way. Part of the taking care of your parents as they age thing.

If it makes you feel any better, two of my South Asian friends bought houses/condos for their parents to live in.

Oh wow, I guess I shouldn’t complain then! Is this just expected of sons towards their parents or do daughters also do it?

[Anonymous]

I get paying for their trips to visit you, but the others stuff, unless I was ridiculously wealthy, hell no. And yes, I am a south asian married to a south asian.

[Anonymous]

I’d say pretty customary. Not in every situation but as the previous poster said it’s not UNcommon.

In your case, since the mom was a SAHM they probably don’t have a ton of savings.

And yes, we are one of those that have bought a condo for my in-laws. We cover dinners out. They will generally pay their own way on big trips though, but if it’s a a domestic house rental type vacation then we’ll pay.

[Anonymous]

No. My Indian ILs would insist on paying for us, if anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d say pretty customary. Not in every situation but as the previous poster said it’s not UNcommon.

In your case, since the mom was a SAHM they probably don’t have a ton of savings.

And yes, we are one of those that have bought a condo for my in-laws. We cover dinners out. They will generally pay their own way on big trips though, but if it’s a a domestic house rental type vacation then we’ll pay.

So did your parents also get a condo as well? Or just your in-laws?

[Anonymous]

OMG, people and their "do most south asian families..." questions! This is like me asking "do most Midwestern in-laws do x, y, z" when my husband's family does something that I find odd.

I grew up in the U.S. to South Asian immigrants. My parents would pay for everything if we didn't insist on paying our own way - they have never asked us for anything!! They certainly pay for our joint vacations and have offered to even pay for our flights out to visit them. They have even helped us out with things like tutoring and summer camp before.

In your situation, it sounds like maybe your in-laws aren't in a great financial situation and have asked your husband and his brother for help. If you're no longer in the position to help, then that is something your husband needs to talk to his brother and parents about. But no, we have the opposite problem of what you have.

And also, your comment "It’s frustrating that the well off white families of dcum get all these things covered by their parents and not vice versa!" is just gross and makes you sound entitled and spoiled. Where are YOUR white parents in this whole mix? Why aren't THEY spoiling you?

[Anonymous]

It’s pretty typical in many Indian communities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok the other thread about covering the parents’ Anniversary trip got me thinking…. Do most South Asian families cover expenses like trips and dinners for their parents/ in-laws?

I married into an educated Indian American family: typical father in law was an engineer/ mother was a sahm situation. They have 2 sons, one in finance and the other a physician in academics. Basically we split paying for almost all the in-laws’ trips: vacations that they take with us, their trips to India, their domestic trip to visit us, and will often even upgrade them to business class since my MIL has “ back issues” etc. We also cover every meal whenever we go out to eat with them, which is pretty often.

It’s all getting to be too much given that we have our own expenses: daycare, retirement, mortgage, private school expenses since the pandemic, and I didn’t go into a lucrative field myself.

Do most South Asian families cover these types of expenses for their parents and in-laws or is it just us? It’s frustrating that the well off white families of dcum get all these things covered by their parents and not vice versa! I want to say something to my DH about it but won’t if it’s some sort of cultural practice that’s expected in the South Asian community.

Maybe you should have looked into your in-laws' financial situation before you married your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG, people and their "do most south asian families..." questions! This is like me asking "do most Midwestern in-laws do x, y, z" when my husband's family does something that I find odd.

I grew up in the U.S. to South Asian immigrants. My parents would pay for everything if we didn't insist on paying our own way - they have never asked us for anything!! They certainly pay for our joint vacations and have offered to even pay for our flights out to visit them. They have even helped us out with things like tutoring and summer camp before.

In your situation, it sounds like maybe your in-laws aren't in a great financial situation and have asked your husband and his brother for help. If you're no longer in the position to help, then that is something your husband needs to talk to his brother and parents about. But no, we have the opposite problem of what you have.

And also, your comment "It’s frustrating that the well off white families of dcum get all these things covered by their parents and not vice versa!" is just gross and makes you sound entitled and spoiled. Where are YOUR white parents in this whole mix? Why aren't THEY spoiling you?

No, I think their financial situation is fine. They recently sold their home and downsized, my fil still collects a pension and had full medical coverage. Really, they have lived very modestly their whole lives. They just covered my husband’s college expenses, not anything else.

[Anonymous]

Yeah this is ridiculous. If it was like one trip a year costing each of the brothers a couple grand I could maybe understand it, but it sounds like several? My parents and ILs would never stand for that. I’m a good vacation planner and enjoy it so I plan and pay for a $10k vacation for my parents every year, but then again then gift us triple that in cash. They would never allow me to pay for their vacations out of my own savings. Then again, they’re well off financially since my mom worked all along.

Some people in the older generation (especially SAHMs and men who let the finances be run by their SAH wives) are pretty clueless about the cost of life nowadays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG, people and their "do most south asian families..." questions! This is like me asking "do most Midwestern in-laws do x, y, z" when my husband's family does something that I find odd.

I grew up in the U.S. to South Asian immigrants. My parents would pay for everything if we didn't insist on paying our own way - they have never asked us for anything!! They certainly pay for our joint vacations and have offered to even pay for our flights out to visit them. They have even helped us out with things like tutoring and summer camp before.

In your situation, it sounds like maybe your in-laws aren't in a great financial situation and have asked your husband and his brother for help. If you're no longer in the position to help, then that is something your husband needs to talk to his brother and parents about. But no, we have the opposite problem of what you have.

And also, your comment "It’s frustrating that the well off white families of dcum get all these things covered by their parents and not vice versa!" is just gross and makes you sound entitled and spoiled. Where are YOUR white parents in this whole mix? Why aren't THEY spoiling you?

Lol, there are SO MANY posts on here of white parents leaching off of their kids. No race is immune.

[Anonymous]

I am Indian American and I have never heard of this. My widowed mother will physically push our hands away if we try to pay a restaurant bill! She would never let us pay for her trips -- she tries to pay for ours!