Is this a South Asian practice or not?

[Anonymous]

I think its more of a norm among Indian immigrants not so much among their Indian-American generations. However, in South Asian culture, making sacrifices for each other is a love language and source of pride.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok the other thread about covering the parents’ Anniversary trip got me thinking…. Do most South Asian families cover expenses like trips and dinners for their parents/ in-laws?

I married into an educated Indian American family: typical father in law was an engineer/ mother was a sahm situation. They have 2 sons, one in finance and the other a physician in academics. Basically we split paying for almost all the in-laws’ trips: vacations that they take with us, their trips to India, their domestic trip to visit us, and will often even upgrade them to business class since my MIL has “ back issues” etc. We also cover every meal whenever we go out to eat with them, which is pretty often.

It’s all getting to be too much given that we have our own expenses: daycare, retirement, mortgage, private school expenses since the pandemic, and I didn’t go into a lucrative field myself.

Do most South Asian families cover these types of expenses for their parents and in-laws or is it just us? It’s frustrating that the well off white families of dcum get all these things covered by their parents and not vice versa! I want to say something to my DH about it but won’t if it’s some sort of cultural practice that’s expected in the South Asian community.

Its very common for SA children to provide for their parents in old age as parents too make every sacrifice they can fir their children. For example, my SA boss's children never earned a penny until they started their professional jobs after grad schools. All of their expenses including full pay at expensive colleges, rents, travel, dinning out etc were covered by parents. It would be very selfish if their children aren't reimbursing them in some ways once they are retired.

Reimburse. Well, there you have it.

Some parents have children as a safety net in old age. This is especially true in societies where social security and other retirement services are lacking. The kids are well versed from a young age in the language of guilt and manipulation: Look at all the sacrifices we made for you!

Parenting is HARD, there's no question. All decent parents give up things dear to themselves to raise the kids, both physical and intangible. But the mentality that "Oh I made all the sacrifices for you, therefore you must pay me back" is repugnant in today's society. It perverts and corrupts the idea of parenthood, making it a transactional relationship.

It may seem transactional to outsiders but its often not due to an expectation or obligation but love and sense of responsibility towards each other. Also SA countries have poor economy and high inflation and lack reasonable healthcare insurance, medicare, student loans, 401k, financial aid, merit scholarships , bank loans etc. This leads family being the financial support system for each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m Bangladeshi American and my parents won’t let me pay for anything when we go on trips (maybe once every 5 years) or out to meals.

Are you a woman?

Yes but same for my brothers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m Bangladeshi American and my parents won’t let me pay for anything when we go on trips (maybe once every 5 years) or out to meals.

Are you a woman?

If you are asking this question then you don't understand south asian family dynamics. Parents are much more likely to do everything for their son than for their daughter. The daughter is her in-laws problem, LOL!

OP here. I was asking that question because I thought PP must be a man, not a woman. My in-laws expect their sons to pay for them and my MiL told me when I married DH that I was now a part of their family and was angry at how much I was visiting my parents! So yes, I understand ‘south asian family dynamics’ and all the patriarchy it entails.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow op! How much are you all spending on these trips? 10k a year? I’m just a bit surprised that parents would take money out of their grandkids hands

OP's husband and his brother are physicians and tech professionals, I'm sure their children are living very comfortably. It seems OP is upset because this money can go towards lifestyle improvement, not worried about unpaid grocery ir electric bills.

Not true. My DH and I have a lot of expenses: educational loans, private school for kids since pandemic, mortgage, etc. I’m talking about saving for the kids’ College and our retirement. Unfortunately I didn’t go into a lucrative field because how did I know that in addition to supporting our kids, I would be helping to support in-laws that already have retirement savings, a pension, rental properties, and full medical coverage. So yes, I’m upset about it. I don’t even do it for my own parents who are not as well off as my in-laws!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow op! How much are you all spending on these trips? 10k a year? I’m just a bit surprised that parents would take money out of their grandkids hands

OP's husband and his brother are physicians and tech professionals, I'm sure their children are living very comfortably. It seems OP is upset because this money can go towards lifestyle improvement, not worried about unpaid grocery ir electric bills.

Not true. My DH and I have a lot of expenses: educational loans, private school for kids since pandemic, mortgage, etc. I’m talking about saving for the kids’ College and our retirement. Unfortunately I didn’t go into a lucrative field because how did I know that in addition to supporting our kids, I would be helping to support in-laws that already have retirement savings, a pension, rental properties, and full medical coverage. So yes, I’m upset about it. I don’t even do it for my own parents who are not as well off as my in-laws!

Its him who is supporting them with hid income, its not fair to say you are.

[Anonymous]

OP, I get your frustration but would you rather be married to a low earner or someone who spends on women, booze, drugs, gambling etc or pays alimony/childcare to other spouses?

You picked a successful person who has one flaw, he wants his parents to live comfortably in their old age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get your frustration but would you rather be married to a low earner or someone who spends on women, booze, drugs, gambling etc or pays alimony/childcare to other spouses?

You picked a successful person who has one flaw, he wants his parents to live comfortably in their old age.

Just look up relationship forum, its a blessing to find and keep a mature, caring, highly educated, family oriented, high earning professional partner like yours. Be thankful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not UNcommon, let's put it that way. Part of the taking care of your parents as they age thing.

If it makes you feel any better, two of my South Asian friends bought houses/condos for their parents to live in.

Oh wow, I guess I shouldn’t complain then! Is this just expected of sons towards their parents or do daughters also do it?

I am a daughter who lives in the US, and I bought a condo next to my brother's condo for my parents to live in (in another country). The condo was in my name and it appreciated considerably when we sold it after 20 years. At that time, other relatives were also living in the same condo building in different condos(my brother's ILs, his BIL). Not uncommon at all. My brother and SIL, were keeping an eye out for my parents and his ILs, and I wanted everyone to have their own space. It worked out wonderfully. There was an instant community and support for everyone, including my nephews who were in school and my SIL who had a busy career. I also paid for a car and driver, so that transportation (and a able bodied person) was handy for the four homes - the driver would take them for their dr appointments, to meet relatives, for walks in a park, mall, movies, restaurants, to drop and pick up my nephews from school. It made life very easy for everyone, and I felt that I was doing my part for my parents.

We bought another condo to house the domestic staff that my ILs needed for easing their daily life in another city too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok the other thread about covering the parents’ Anniversary trip got me thinking…. Do most South Asian families cover expenses like trips and dinners for their parents/ in-laws?

I married into an educated Indian American family: typical father in law was an engineer/ mother was a sahm situation. They have 2 sons, one in finance and the other a physician in academics. Basically we split paying for almost all the in-laws’ trips: vacations that they take with us, their trips to India, their domestic trip to visit us, and will often even upgrade them to business class since my MIL has “ back issues” etc. We also cover every meal whenever we go out to eat with them, which is pretty often.

It’s all getting to be too much given that we have our own expenses: daycare, retirement, mortgage, private school expenses since the pandemic, and I didn’t go into a lucrative field myself.

Do most South Asian families cover these types of expenses for their parents and in-laws or is it just us? It’s frustrating that the well off white families of dcum get all these things covered by their parents and not vice versa! I want to say something to my DH about it but won’t if it’s some sort of cultural practice that’s expected in the South Asian community.

I don't think its about culture , its about family dynamics. Some people like to take care of their parents, others doesn't care. He is a person who does and he does it with his income. Its not HIS problem if you and your parents didn't do well for themselves or if you want more in life than you can afford.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow op! How much are you all spending on these trips? 10k a year? I’m just a bit surprised that parents would take money out of their grandkids hands

OP's husband and his brother are physicians and tech professionals, I'm sure their children are living very comfortably. It seems OP is upset because this money can go towards lifestyle improvement, not worried about unpaid grocery ir electric bills.

Not true. My DH and I have a lot of expenses: educational loans, private school for kids since pandemic, mortgage, etc. I’m talking about saving for the kids’ College and our retirement. Unfortunately I didn’t go into a lucrative field because how did I know that in addition to supporting our kids, I would be helping to support in-laws that already have retirement savings, a pension, rental properties, and full medical coverage. So yes, I’m upset about it. I don’t even do it for my own parents who are not as well off as my in-laws!

Its him who is supporting them with hid income, its not fair to say you are.

Actually, I work full time and have a doctorate degree. It’s my money too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok the other thread about covering the parents’ Anniversary trip got me thinking…. Do most South Asian families cover expenses like trips and dinners for their parents/ in-laws?

I married into an educated Indian American family: typical father in law was an engineer/ mother was a sahm situation. They have 2 sons, one in finance and the other a physician in academics. Basically we split paying for almost all the in-laws’ trips: vacations that they take with us, their trips to India, their domestic trip to visit us, and will often even upgrade them to business class since my MIL has “ back issues” etc. We also cover every meal whenever we go out to eat with them, which is pretty often.

It’s all getting to be too much given that we have our own expenses: daycare, retirement, mortgage, private school expenses since the pandemic, and I didn’t go into a lucrative field myself.

Do most South Asian families cover these types of expenses for their parents and in-laws or is it just us? It’s frustrating that the well off white families of dcum get all these things covered by their parents and not vice versa! I want to say something to my DH about it but won’t if it’s some sort of cultural practice that’s expected in the South Asian community.

It can go either of 2 ways, but supporting family is definitely a thing in the S.Asian culture.

If parents are well to do and kids are getting started, you will see parents paying for a whole lot of luxuries for the kids.
On the other hand, if the kids have made it, then they tend to subsidize the parents life quite a bit.

Looks like its the latter in your case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow op! How much are you all spending on these trips? 10k a year? I’m just a bit surprised that parents would take money out of their grandkids hands

OP's husband and his brother are physicians and tech professionals, I'm sure their children are living very comfortably. It seems OP is upset because this money can go towards lifestyle improvement, not worried about unpaid grocery ir electric bills.

Not true. My DH and I have a lot of expenses: educational loans, private school for kids since pandemic, mortgage, etc. I’m talking about saving for the kids’ College and our retirement. Unfortunately I didn’t go into a lucrative field because how did I know that in addition to supporting our kids, I would be helping to support in-laws that already have retirement savings, a pension, rental properties, and full medical coverage. So yes, I’m upset about it. I don’t even do it for my own parents who are not as well off as my in-laws!

You will be inheriting the rental properties and savings.

[Anonymous]

Its not like they are his total dependents and he is paying all of their their bills . He is only paying for somethings because it makes him feel good to he able to do that for them.

[Anonymous]

A silver lining for OP, he'll inherit 50% of properties you mentioned and everything else in their estate.