Is this a South Asian practice or not?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So the OP is not upset about not saving more for retirement or college as previously stated. Ultimately she feels inadequate about how little she helps her parents compared to her Dh, so will now also take better care of her parents too.

Glad you’ve been able to evolve through this and culturally adapt to family values that are not familiar to you. I’m sure your parents will be pleased too.

OP's ILs do not need monetary help. They are being treated well by their well to do offsprings. They will also leave behind considerable inheritence to their children and OP will benefit. OP is low income and her parents are also not well-off. She really is hoping to pass on some of her DH's earnings to her parents too.

Sorry but my parents are not low income at all. My father is a physician who recently retired and my mother also worked. Where are you getting this low income stuff from?

Then why do you need to help them? You are seriously not making any sense, OP. Do your parents WANT you to help him? Otherwise, your weird tit for tat, I need to give my parents money because my husband gives his parents money thing is just flat out bizarre.

For the same reason my husband ‘needs’ to help his parents.

It’s not because they want my help but because it is only fair to also help support them financially after my in-laws have received it for years!

Money isn't the problem, pettiness, comparison and resentment is. What's disturbing is the reason behind supporting her own parents is about using them as a pawn in her fight, not out of care or need.

Yup and not caring if this competition is going to further drain finances she is so concerned about. She needs to work with a therapist to control her vindictiveness from eating her up from inside.

[Anonymous]

Imagine having to live with your in-laws and not having this kind of income or children or jobs. You have everything but sadly your vision is clouded.

[Anonymous]

Hope OP is not poisoning the relationship between grandparents and grandkids. Messed up women tend to weaponize their parenthood.

[Anonymous]

I've an easy solution. Imagine your husband showering his affection and money on a mistress.

[Anonymous]

As far as taking care of your own parents, you should be doing that anyways in every way you can or they need. It has nothing to do with what he is doing or not doing for his parents. If any, he is setting a good example for you and your children.

[Anonymous]

Imagine ILs being poor and completely dependent on this son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As far as taking care of your own parents, you should be doing that anyways in every way you can or they need. It has nothing to do with what he is doing or not doing for his parents. If any, he is setting a good example for you and your children.

Like I’ve said, my parents don’t NEED financial help. In the past I have helped them in non monetary ways. For example, taking them to their dr appointments, caring for them after surgeries, setting them up with household help whenever needed, finding the condo that they ended up down sizing to (put not paying for that condo), etc. I guess more traditional feminine role of helping, but not paying for things.

My DH doesn’t do any of those things for his parents but will pay for things instead. I’ve decided that I now want to do both and that it’s about time I did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As far as taking care of your own parents, you should be doing that anyways in every way you can or they need. It has nothing to do with what he is doing or not doing for his parents. If any, he is setting a good example for you and your children.

Like I’ve said, my parents don’t NEED financial help. In the past I have helped them in non monetary ways. For example, taking them to their dr appointments, caring for them after surgeries, setting them up with household help whenever needed, finding the condo that they ended up down sizing to (put not paying for that condo), etc. I guess more traditional feminine role of helping, but not paying for things.

My DH doesn’t do any of those things for his parents but will pay for things instead. I’ve decided that I now want to do both and that it’s about time I did.

But what about retirement and college?

[Anonymous]

I guess we will have to work a little longer then and retire when we’re older. I can’t let my Mil (whose Indian in-laws also dislike her and have broken off their relationship with her) get funded for everything and not do the same for my parents. It’s just not fair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG, people and their "do most south asian families..." questions! This is like me asking "do most Midwestern in-laws do x, y, z" when my husband's family does something that I find odd.

I grew up in the U.S. to South Asian immigrants. My parents would pay for everything if we didn't insist on paying our own way - they have never asked us for anything!! They certainly pay for our joint vacations and have offered to even pay for our flights out to visit them. They have even helped us out with things like tutoring and summer camp before.

In your situation, it sounds like maybe your in-laws aren't in a great financial situation and have asked your husband and his brother for help. If you're no longer in the position to help, then that is something your husband needs to talk to his brother and parents about. But no, we have the opposite problem of what you have.

And also, your comment "It’s frustrating that the well off white families of dcum get all these things covered by their parents and not vice versa!" is just gross and makes you sound entitled and spoiled. Where are YOUR white parents in this whole mix? Why aren't THEY spoiling you?

Same. My Indian parents were umc, (one engineer, one technician) paid for ever-y-thing. My mom was an amazing saver and investor. My father is incredibly generous. Theyve paid for too much, honestly, but i hope to do the same for my kids.

[Anonymous]

Op. Just read through all of these posts, most of them assuming you are a grubby miser who is super jealous of MIL. I don’t think you are racist, but I do think there are a lot of people that were triggered by your question, and now reacting badly. There is unfortunately a lot of racism in this country, both subtle and overt so it is hard to avoid emotional reactions to a post like this that calls out a certain culture, though I think your original question is valid to ask (though wouldn’t you have known this earlier than 20 hrs into a marriage?)

But anyways, the One thing that stands out to me and makes me firmly in your camp in terms of feeling annoyed is that your MIL told you not to spend so much time with your family because you married into hers. That is terrible, and unfortunately a bit representative of some of the worse parts of a more traditional patriarchal culture, not necessarily SA. If my MIL ever said anything like that to me, all good will I had towards her would be gone. It would be really hard to get over it. I don’t think your solution is a great one though.. just spend more time to thoughtfully take care of your parents! No amount of money and “treats” can replace that. I think that would be a win win for you and them, and your MIL won’t like it! Cheers!

[Anonymous]

OP your MIL sounds terrible and I would begrudge her the money as well. (I am Indian)

To add my own personal biases to the mix… when I reached my 20s I was told by older relatives to try to marry into a family with an educated, professional mother if possible. Ie Sons of SAHMs do not apply. I’m so glad I did just that. My MIL is not perfect but she is so much better than many of the narrow-minded housewives I see whose lives revolve around themselves and their sons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG, people and their "do most south asian families..." questions! This is like me asking "do most Midwestern in-laws do x, y, z" when my husband's family does something that I find odd.

I grew up in the U.S. to South Asian immigrants. My parents would pay for everything if we didn't insist on paying our own way - they have never asked us for anything!! They certainly pay for our joint vacations and have offered to even pay for our flights out to visit them. They have even helped us out with things like tutoring and summer camp before.

In your situation, it sounds like maybe your in-laws aren't in a great financial situation and have asked your husband and his brother for help. If you're no longer in the position to help, then that is something your husband needs to talk to his brother and parents about. But no, we have the opposite problem of what you have.

And also, your comment "It’s frustrating that the well off white families of dcum get all these things covered by their parents and not vice versa!" is just gross and makes you sound entitled and spoiled. Where are YOUR white parents in this whole mix? Why aren't THEY spoiling you?

Lol, there are SO MANY posts on here of white parents leaching off of their kids. No race is immune.

+1 this seems like an Asian bashing post disguised as “curiosity”. Either that or Op is ultra-dim and thinks her experience with South Asians (of whom there are billions) are universal.

[Anonymous]

Just like any other humongous group of people, SA families are a spectrum, not a monolith. There are so many sub-cultures and obviously, personal disposition, circumstances, education, finances, exposure to other cultures etc makes every family so different. Just like its racist to assume every white family or every black family thinks and acts in similar way, its also racist to think brown families does.

Here is a personal anecdote. I'm married into a SA family and were given unconditional love and support. MIL is motherhood personified, embraces everyone as her own. FIL would open up a personal bank for us if had the means but my husband isn't the sort of person who would accept money from his parents or mine. They don't agree with every thing their children or spouses does but prefer to mind their own business. They are the reason we can focus on our careers without ever having to worry about our children. Their biggest gift to me is how they raised their son to be a loving, supportive and loyal husband and a devoted father. They are the reason he has a moral compass and a code of ethics. They inspired me to be a better daughter to my own parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not UNcommon, let's put it that way. Part of the taking care of your parents as they age thing.

If it makes you feel any better, two of my South Asian friends bought houses/condos for their parents to live in.

Oh wow, I guess I shouldn’t complain then! Is this just expected of sons towards their parents or do daughters also do it?

Of course both sons and daughters alike, if not more by daughters.