Husband -father of 4- sleeps in every single day
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Anonymous
I’m sorry. Most SAHM don’t have preschool, you can grocery shop, clean, and laundry with a 3 year old home (mine lives spraying bottles). Most SAHM aren’t paying for preschool so don’t get any break until 5. I love how you quibble over the 0.5h. There must be rampant score keeping going on here. Stop being a martyr. Use your downtime that you have every weekday. Or get a job and pay for daycare and switch off sick days whe quarantine hits. |
Anonymous
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He has to want to address the drinking problem. You can’t fix him.
Al anon is good. I would get a job, because with the sleeping in and drinking, his own job is probably in more jeopardy than you realize. What is your birth control? One of you needs to be fixed. |
Anonymous
| He needs to get the alcohol problem under control but in the meantime is it in the budget to hire some help? Part time nanny or mother's helper? |
Anonymous
I’m a sahm of 3, also not really by choice. I also have 2.5 hours of leisure time when preschool is in session so I get it. I do take the time for me time though. I would suggest you do the same. I get most of my groceries delivered. Before Covid, I would love to take a break and leisurely go to target or grocery shop. I would also suggest the same so that your Dh can take the kids and you get a break. I have 3 kids in 3 different schools so our mornings and afternoons are hectic but I manage. It sounds like your Dh has an alcohol problem. You should really address this and seek professional help. |
Anonymous
OP, I first want to say that your husband def has an alcohol problem affecting his engagement at home, so you are totally right to throw a fit and do everyt You can to make him see that. He should be engaged in the morning, be present at breakfast with the kids etc… But I do want to flag that in that discussion (later on or for others reading this) you need to figure out how many hours each of you works, sleep and have leisure time, and be sure to be fair. I have a couple SAHM in my group of friends. Some are thriving because it is the type of tasks and life they find joy and accomplishment and peace in (taking care of routines, cooking, cleaning etc…), and a solid group has a really hard time because those tasks exhaust them, and they usually ends up SAHM not by choice. And that latter group is demanding things from their DH that I find quite unfair. Putting them in charge of morning routine / evening routines. When you had a day at work, you also want an hour to rest and do nothing in the evening, you also need quiet time to unwind without kids. So that leisure time needs to be very equally divided, and take into account the break each of you get during the day… I am the score keeping type (we both WOH but did same when on maternity leave). And I really know how most of us at work get breaks too during the day (heck, I am writing this during a boring meeting, wouldn’t be able to do that while engaging a toddler). But I find that a lot of SAHM picked the wrong job for themselves, if the day is so miserable that you need more leisure time than DH when both of your 8h “work days” are over (and they may not be distributed at same times), it means you are better off going back to work, whatever the money calculation is, you will feel better. |
Anonymous
| Sounds like my ex. He'd stay up late, sleep in, and was useless around the house and with the dog after we got married. So I divorced him. When did this start, OP? |
Anonymous
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He does his job to support a family of 6 in a very expensive city. Why does he have to get up to help you do your job, or leave his job earlier to do that? Does he ask you to help with his job?
The excessive drinking is a separate issue that he needs to address. |
Anonymous
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There are a lot of issues here, but I think resentment is a key issue. As you said in your original post, maybe you would rather be alone than continue the way things are. I remember feeling that way once, and thankfully expressing that to my husband led to real and sustained change. But we cannot force someone else to change; we can only say what we will and won't accept.
I think the key to a long relationship is giving a lot of the benefit of the doubt, trying to stop vicious cycles and start virtuous cycles, and treating your partner how you want to be treated (unless you are purposely ignoring how they want to be treated in ways different than how you like). Sometimes, this is really, really hard. But if your partner is generally a good person who wants to a happy home life, and they have access to tools for dealing with stress and conflict, then you can usually make it work. But all of this only works with two healthy(ish) people. It's hard for us outsiders to know how far down the alcoholic/lazy/selfish/checked out slope your husband is. Maybe he's just struggling with the pandemic and supporting a spouse and young kids and self-medicating too much for depression and anxiety. Or maybe he's just completely without the resources to do "adulting." IMO the only way to find out is to assume he's just floundering a little and see how approaching him with grace and concern goes. If you are vulnerable and share your struggles with him while making it clear that you empathize with him, will he respond with empathy and a willingness to find solutions? If so, then maybe you have something to work with. If not, then time for boundaries and next steps. |
Anonymous
I agree there are 2 separate issues here - alcoholism and helping with the kids. Dh is a surgeon and isn’t around to help me. I am a sahm and am used to handling all the kid stuff. He is out of the house before the kids are even awake. |
Anonymous
Being unable to help with the kids because you are out of the house working as a surgeon is in no way comparable to being unable to help with the kids because you stayed up until midnight drinking and didn't get out of bed until after 9. OP, sending good thoughts your way and seconding the recommendation for al-alon. The poster who suggested that you consider contingency plans in case your husband loses his job (because things may be worse than he, or you, knows) is also wise. |
Anonymous
| Sounds like he's struggling with something. Depression, addiction, etc. You should talk to him with kindness, support, and an open heart. Tell him how you're struggling. |
Anonymous
| Oh sweet Mom I hear your frustration. You are an amazing Mom and I am so sorry you are dealing with this. It sounds like there could be some depression, mental health issues going on. Unfortunately it is very difficult for a man to admit and get help for this although not impossible. Have you tried counseling? For yourself? Couples? Check out https://list.ly/list/1CDy-is-your-marriage-built-on-a-solid-foundation for your next steps. You will get through this. You are not alone. |
Anonymous
| Tell him he needs to either pay for an au pair and a cleaning lady every week, or split labor with you. |
Anonymous
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9 IPAs in the evening. NINE.
Get into AL Anon. Try to get him some addiction help. Get a RECORD of his drinking problem. Talk to a lawyer about how to get majority custody or criteria for supervised visits (because it sounds like he's not capable of watching the kids with his level of drinking). When he doesn't get his shit together (newsflash, he probably WON'T) you divorce him and let him drink himself to death and sleep all day. Ask me how I know! |
Anonymous
| The cycle of feeling ashamed of being totally absent in family life most likely feeding the drinking/avoidance. Acceptance and commitment therapy approaches might be helpful. For example, small tasks he can complete on his timeline that contribute might help him feel more connected and positive. This meaning some small steps he can take to be helpful like cleaning up after dinner, packing kids bags, folding a basket of laundry. |