Husband -father of 4- sleeps in every single day

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this.

Sending good thoughts your way.

[Anonymous]

It's amazing the hatred for SAHMs here. I work ft and always have, btw, just think that this thread is ridiculous. Yes, a SAHP should reasonably be expected to do what they can during the hours that the WOHP is at work. But at the end of the day, when they are both home they split what's left. Secondly, a SAHP is contributing financially to the household by doing what otherwise would need to be outsourced with preschool; daycare; nannies. If OP were a nanny, she would be charging something like 30$/hour for 4 kids, plus overtime so assuming she is working 10 hours a day, the financial assets that she is bringing to the household with her labor is in the neighborhood of 75k, without taxes, vacations, etc.

Secondly, they BOTH chose to have 4 kids. Perhaps OPs DH was not always this absent, perhaps he wanted more kids, etc. While I personally would not have 4 kids, becuase we are not great at being parents to 2 half the time, I would not automatically assume its OP's "fault" that her spouse is leaving her with all the work and somehow its all her fault. she's in the position she is in, so either offer constructive advice or go elsewhere.

Finally, the real and most important issue is that OP's spouse is an alcoholic and because of this is unable to function as a parent. There's a strong likelihood that OP will end up being a single parent if his trajectory continues, and she will have to figure out a way to solo parent 4 kids, possibly while going back to work, so this situation is really terrible for her.

OP: it sounds like your spouse is admitting the drinking problem to an extent but does not understand the impact of it on you or the household. I suggest you go to Al Anon to understand your situation better and have some support. Your spouse also needs to see his doctor, preferably for a medically supervised detox. For many people, medications ike naltrexone are key to quitting alcohol, but unfortunately now that he has developed an addiction it is not easy to quit on his own. At this point, its not productive to blame him (or him toblame himself) if he cannot stop drinking; its unfortunately an incredibly difficult thing to kick once you're well into it. If I were you I would operate on two fronts simultaneously: support him/require him to get help (start with PCP, but ultimately he should, if possible, see a therapist who is versed in addiction, and he may want to do AA or outpatient treatment). If it were me, I would make it a requirement of staying married. I don't think he has accepted the impact of his drinking on YOU and the rest of the family, so you need to spell it out for him. If he refuses to admit it, just consider this part of his denial. Secondly, I would get my own source of support; Al Anonto start, but also your own therapist. Finally, what is your financial situation like? If you had the flexibility, you might consider getting additional help while he pursues treatment. Finally, I am very sorry you are in the position you are in. Without the alcoholism, I would advocate for leaving early 3 days a week/forcing him to be in charge, but its unclear whether he will be able to parent solo if he is hungover or drunk..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's amazing the hatred for SAHMs here. I work ft and always have, btw, just think that this thread is ridiculous. Yes, a SAHP should reasonably be expected to do what they can during the hours that the WOHP is at work. But at the end of the day, when they are both home they split what's left. Secondly, a SAHP is contributing financially to the household by doing what otherwise would need to be outsourced with preschool; daycare; nannies. If OP were a nanny, she would be charging something like 30$/hour for 4 kids, plus overtime so assuming she is working 10 hours a day, the financial assets that she is bringing to the household with her labor is in the neighborhood of 75k, without taxes, vacations, etc.

Secondly, they BOTH chose to have 4 kids. Perhaps OPs DH was not always this absent, perhaps he wanted more kids, etc. While I personally would not have 4 kids, becuase we are not great at being parents to 2 half the time, I would not automatically assume its OP's "fault" that her spouse is leaving her with all the work and somehow its all her fault. she's in the position she is in, so either offer constructive advice or go elsewhere.

Finally, the real and most important issue is that OP's spouse is an alcoholic and because of this is unable to function as a parent. There's a strong likelihood that OP will end up being a single parent if his trajectory continues, and she will have to figure out a way to solo parent 4 kids, possibly while going back to work, so this situation is really terrible for her.

OP: it sounds like your spouse is admitting the drinking problem to an extent but does not understand the impact of it on you or the household. I suggest you go to Al Anon to understand your situation better and have some support. Your spouse also needs to see his doctor, preferably for a medically supervised detox. For many people, medications ike naltrexone are key to quitting alcohol, but unfortunately now that he has developed an addiction it is not easy to quit on his own. At this point, its not productive to blame him (or him toblame himself) if he cannot stop drinking; its unfortunately an incredibly difficult thing to kick once you're well into it. If I were you I would operate on two fronts simultaneously: support him/require him to get help (start with PCP, but ultimately he should, if possible, see a therapist who is versed in addiction, and he may want to do AA or outpatient treatment). If it were me, I would make it a requirement of staying married. I don't think he has accepted the impact of his drinking on YOU and the rest of the family, so you need to spell it out for him. If he refuses to admit it, just consider this part of his denial. Secondly, I would get my own source of support; Al Anonto start, but also your own therapist. Finally, what is your financial situation like? If you had the flexibility, you might consider getting additional help while he pursues treatment. Finally, I am very sorry you are in the position you are in. Without the alcoholism, I would advocate for leaving early 3 days a week/forcing him to be in charge, but its unclear whether he will be able to parent solo if he is hungover or drunk..

Did you miss the part where thet ARE paying for preschool? OP isn't taking the place of that. Not hating on thr OP, but, really, she should maybe consider that most SAH parents do not in fact have paid carw for their kids for any period of time. If she wamts to divorce her husbamd because he is a drunk, then let that be the issue, not that she, as a SAH parent is expected to accept responsibility for parenting her kids when they are not in school/daycare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I am a SAHM. Not really by choice. I’d love to work again. But we have too many kids and preschool/school is very unpredictable with covid/quarantines. Preschool pickup is at noon. I have about 2.5 hours of “leisure time” between the last drop off and first pick up. This is when I grocery shop, clean, and put laundry away. (DH is usually home for most of that time… being a sloth.) So leisurely. We haven’t had a full week of school for the kids in many weeks (months?) due to covid. Prior to staying home, I was a FCPS teacher. No flexibility, stressful, and not enough pay to cover a FT nanny or FT daycare for littles and after care for bigs. I’m trapped.

I’ll look into Al-anon, thank you for the suggestion.

Mmm, yeah. Kids are your job then. Since you ha e half-day care for your kids, you are doing better than most SAH parents in terms of 'free' time. Also better than most WOH parents who do drop-off, work, pick-up with no time to do chores uninterrupted since kids are home when they are.

So to be clear, OPs job is 14.5 hours with a 2.5 hour break, and DH works 8 hours, minus whatever time he’s goofing off at work, and that’s equal?

I thought men were supposed to be so good at math and STEM?

Preschool age lids are not awake 14.5 hours total per day, honestly. Between the 7:30 bedtime and the 1/2 day 'school' and the afternoon nap, OP is probably spending about the same amount of time with her kids as jer husband is working. Figure 1 hour in the AM to get ready for school, husband drops off, pick up at noon, 1 hour nap and 7:30 bedtime and she is spending about 7.5 -8 hours with the kids.

Bad at math and you can’t read either? Her oldest is 7. There’s no 7:30 bedtime, and there is definitely more than an hour in the morning.

She said home at 7 misses the evening/bedtime routine, so, yeah, 7:30 or 8 is gonna be the end of her day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I counted bottles.

He had 9 IPAs last night after I went to bed. Like 8% IPAs. We talked about it today. He admitted he has a drinking problem that’s gotten progressively worse during the pandemic.

Now what? He says he plans to cut back on his own. But doesn’t want to talk to me about how. He does not seem to be able to connect the drinking to his inability to get up in the morning. Still saying he just needs more sleep than me. <insert all the the eye rolls here> He strolled downstairs close to 10am today yawning and stretching and asking if the cold coffee left in the pot is from today… or yesterday… (it was from today but cold bc I made it over 3 hours before he showed up…while I was wrangling kids, alone)

I am not well. I’m reeling. I need a book, a class, a podcast, and/or someone to talk to about this.

A standard ABV % beer is about 4.5%. OP, your DH had the equivalent of about 16 regular beers. I am so sorry, and I know how your heart is breaking and your mind is spinning because my DH is a recovering alcoholic. It rocked my world. My first Al Anon meeting was virtual and I cried. They were so nice. I really recommend it.

[Anonymous]

She said home at 7 misses the evening/bedtime routine, so, yeah, 7:30 or 8 is gonna be the end of her day.

often its not the end, when there's laundry, dishes, sign ups, etc, to do. also, she is not an indentured servant who is supposed to be working 16 hours a day! Her spouse can make his own hours, and he *chooses * to stay up late drinking, sleep in late, roll into work at 11 am and come home at 7 after dinner and the routine. He also sleeps in on the weekends. He is opting out of parenting altogether and the alcohol, which probably started as avoidance of parenting, is now ensuring that he cannot be present as a parent in the least. No one should have to accept that. At the rate he's drinking he is in danger of day drinking, of losing his job, of health issues, all of which affect her and the whole family so she has a right to be upset.

[Anonymous]

OP, what was DH like after Kid 1, 2, and 3? Was he ALWAYS a layabout? Did he agree enthusiastically to all those kids? Either he didn't get snipped due to lassitude or he actually was all-in on the big family that he is now drunk-sleeping his way through.

Sorry you're going through this, and hope there's a positive solution for all of you, especially the hapless children. Realistically, this doesn't sound like it will end well.

[Anonymous]

OP, my doctor told me drinking has hone WAY up across the board during the pandemic, so you are definitely not alone. That said, you both need help, soon. I am not sure what the best way to get help is, but the fact you have identified the problem and communicated it to him, and thag he seems to be partly accepting it, seems like a very good start.

Sending you virtual hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I am a SAHM. Not really by choice. I’d love to work again. But we have too many kids and preschool/school is very unpredictable with covid/quarantines. Preschool pickup is at noon. I have about 2.5 hours of “leisure time” between the last drop off and first pick up. This is when I grocery shop, clean, and put laundry away. (DH is usually home for most of that time… being a sloth.) So leisurely. We haven’t had a full week of school for the kids in many weeks (months?) due to covid. Prior to staying home, I was a FCPS teacher. No flexibility, stressful, and not enough pay to cover a FT nanny or FT daycare for littles and after care for bigs. I’m trapped.

I’ll look into Al-anon, thank you for the suggestion.

Mmm, yeah. Kids are your job then. Since you ha e half-day care for your kids, you are doing better than most SAH parents in terms of 'free' time. Also better than most WOH parents who do drop-off, work, pick-up with no time to do chores uninterrupted since kids are home when they are.

So to be clear, OPs job is 14.5 hours with a 2.5 hour break, and DH works 8 hours, minus whatever time he’s goofing off at work, and that’s equal?

I thought men were supposed to be so good at math and STEM?

Preschool age lids are not awake 14.5 hours total per day, honestly. Between the 7:30 bedtime and the 1/2 day 'school' and the afternoon nap, OP is probably spending about the same amount of time with her kids as jer husband is working. Figure 1 hour in the AM to get ready for school, husband drops off, pick up at noon, 1 hour nap and 7:30 bedtime and she is spending about 7.5 -8 hours with the kids.

Bad at math and you can’t read either? Her oldest is 7. There’s no 7:30 bedtime, and there is definitely more than an hour in the morning.

She said home at 7 misses the evening/bedtime routine, so, yeah, 7:30 or 8 is gonna be the end of her day.

“The bulk of” the evening routine. That begins with dinner prep, likely around 4pm. I seriously doubt her 7 y/o is in bed before 8:30. So she gets a 14.5 hour day with a 2.5 hour break, during which she does the families housework, and her “partner” goes to work for 8 hours counting his commute, probably goofs off for at least an hour at work, and then does nothing at home. And this is equal, you say?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I am a SAHM. Not really by choice. I’d love to work again. But we have too many kids and preschool/school is very unpredictable with covid/quarantines. Preschool pickup is at noon. I have about 2.5 hours of “leisure time” between the last drop off and first pick up. This is when I grocery shop, clean, and put laundry away. (DH is usually home for most of that time… being a sloth.) So leisurely. We haven’t had a full week of school for the kids in many weeks (months?) due to covid. Prior to staying home, I was a FCPS teacher. No flexibility, stressful, and not enough pay to cover a FT nanny or FT daycare for littles and after care for bigs. I’m trapped.

I’ll look into Al-anon, thank you for the suggestion.

Mmm, yeah. Kids are your job then. Since you ha e half-day care for your kids, you are doing better than most SAH parents in terms of 'free' time. Also better than most WOH parents who do drop-off, work, pick-up with no time to do chores uninterrupted since kids are home when they are.

So to be clear, OPs job is 14.5 hours with a 2.5 hour break, and DH works 8 hours, minus whatever time he’s goofing off at work, and that’s equal?

I thought men were supposed to be so good at math and STEM?

Preschool age lids are not awake 14.5 hours total per day, honestly. Between the 7:30 bedtime and the 1/2 day 'school' and the afternoon nap, OP is probably spending about the same amount of time with her kids as jer husband is working. Figure 1 hour in the AM to get ready for school, husband drops off, pick up at noon, 1 hour nap and 7:30 bedtime and she is spending about 7.5 -8 hours with the kids.

Bad at math and you can’t read either? Her oldest is 7. There’s no 7:30 bedtime, and there is definitely more than an hour in the morning.

She said home at 7 misses the evening/bedtime routine, so, yeah, 7:30 or 8 is gonna be the end of her day.

“The bulk of” the evening routine. That begins with dinner prep, likely around 4pm. I seriously doubt her 7 y/o is in bed before 8:30. So she gets a 14.5 hour day with a 2.5 hour break, during which she does the families housework, and her “partner” goes to work for 8 hours counting his commute, probably goofs off for at least an hour at work, and then does nothing at home. And this is equal, you say?

Do you think that OPs spouse makes enough to pay for her to stay home and pay for childcare by 'goofing around' all day? Heck I imagine he's putting in a significant amount of work to make that kind of money in a 40 hour week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are a sahm that’s your job
Also you have 4 kids so divorce can be problematic
I suggest you calm down and accept your life

You are female, and take on the bulk if your family’s care, so accept having an addict for your life partner. Got it!!!

Remember that in DCUMland, suffering silently for years, simmering in resentment, and being taken advantage of is better than being single!

[Anonymous]

The op has to be enabling her husband. If I acted like OP’s husband, my wife would have my balls in a vise.

Second, how do you have four kids with this bum?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He does his job to support a family of 6 in a very expensive city. Why does he have to get up to help you do your job, or leave his job earlier to do that? Does he ask you to help with his job?

The excessive drinking is a separate issue that he needs to address.

I agree with this.
Also how is anyone a sahm not really by choice unless they are banned from working? Having many kids is a choice. Everyone with even one kid knows how little freedom a woman with kids has, even with one.

[Anonymous]

I'm your H. I'm not a morning person and I don't drink / do drugs. My H wakes up at 6 AM and has everything ready and I help with whatever is left (not much) when I get up at 7:30. In the weekends he lets me sleep until 10. However, I make dinner every night and get the kids ready for bed, including bath and reading. It works for us - H takes mornings and I take evenings. We only have 2 kids and we both work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are a sahm that’s your job
Also you have 4 kids so divorce can be problematic
I suggest you calm down and accept your life

You are female, and take on the bulk if your family’s care, so accept having an addict for your life partner. Got it!!!

Remember that in DCUMland, suffering silently for years, simmering in resentment, and being taken advantage of is better than being single!

I am the first poster here. I mean, what else is there to do? She is a former teacher with 4 small kids.