Husband -father of 4- sleeps in every single day

[Anonymous]

I have five kids and I’m a sahm so this is my everyday but the children and their care along with the home is my profession right now. Unless you are stay at home and he is the only breadwinner his behavior is unacceptable and even then it is rude and not helpful.

[Anonymous]

Are you a SAHM?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have five kids and I’m a sahm so this is my everyday but the children and their care along with the home is my profession right now. Unless you are stay at home and he is the only breadwinner his behavior is unacceptable and even then it is rude and not helpful.

Same- but my DH is physically at work by 7-8am most days, comes home after dinner and often works all weekends. So while my “job” is long and tiresome, so is his.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also had a “sloth laying around”. It turns out my DH had a serious alcohol problem.

DH does drink every night. IPAs. How do I figure out if it’s a problem though? I’m upstairs asleep shortly after the kids… he does his late night couch routine alone.

OP, as a person with a drinking problem (now in a good, if precarious place)...

A craft beer like an IPA is only 1 Standard Alcoholic Drink very rarely. That's 12 oz @ 5% ABV.

Almost all IPAs and such are (apiece) at least 1.25 drinks (12 oz @ 6.25%), most are 1.5+ drinks, and some more than 2 drinks apiece (16 oz tallboy @ 8% ABV is more than 2 Standard Alcoholic Drinks).

Basically if your DH is drinking 2 IPAs, that's generally at least 3 drinks a night, every night, which for a man is "heavy alcohol use" according to NIH and so on-- more than 14 drinks/week. Your DH is drinking at least around 21, or perhaps much more. (And anyone saying it's totally fine, okay, take it up with NIH, Mayo, CDC and the DSM.) Even if he's "fine," he's going to have sleep disturbances and poor sleep quality, "mild" mood issues and so on.

It would be helpful to know just how much he's drinking, but I'm saying that, unless he's Shaq's body double (and even then)-- alcohol is 100% contributing to this dynamic, so do keep that in mind.

Also, I disagree with PP who said he's not crafty enough to hide the recycling, but he might not feel the need to if he's "only" drinking 3-4 IPAs a night (4-8 drinks). A lot of people think that's normal and healthy. It's not.

If you really do want to know, though, and you suspect he's drinking even more than the recycling is telling you, you can check the car, the closet, the big cans/recycling outside for extras, your bank/CC statements for liquor store/grocery runs you don't remember.

But I'd guess he's "only" drinking 25-50 drinks a week (as few as 2-4 IPAs a day). Which DCUM assures me is totally fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also had a “sloth laying around”. It turns out my DH had a serious alcohol problem.

DH does drink every night. IPAs. How do I figure out if it’s a problem though? I’m upstairs asleep shortly after the kids… he does his late night couch routine alone.

OP, as a person with a drinking problem (now in a good, if precarious place)...

A craft beer like an IPA is only 1 Standard Alcoholic Drink very rarely. That's 12 oz @ 5% ABV.

Almost all IPAs and such are (apiece) at least 1.25 drinks (12 oz @ 6.25%), most are 1.5+ drinks, and some more than 2 drinks apiece (16 oz tallboy @ 8% ABV is more than 2 Standard Alcoholic Drinks).

Basically if your DH is drinking 2 IPAs, that's generally at least 3 drinks a night, every night, which for a man is "heavy alcohol use" according to NIH and so on-- more than 14 drinks/week. Your DH is drinking at least around 21, or perhaps much more. (And anyone saying it's totally fine, okay, take it up with NIH, Mayo, CDC and the DSM.) Even if he's "fine," he's going to have sleep disturbances and poor sleep quality, "mild" mood issues and so on.

It would be helpful to know just how much he's drinking, but I'm saying that, unless he's Shaq's body double (and even then)-- alcohol is 100% contributing to this dynamic, so do keep that in mind.

Also, I disagree with PP who said he's not crafty enough to hide the recycling, but he might not feel the need to if he's "only" drinking 3-4 IPAs a night (4-8 drinks). A lot of people think that's normal and healthy. It's not.

If you really do want to know, though, and you suspect he's drinking even more than the recycling is telling you, you can check the car, the closet, the big cans/recycling outside for extras, your bank/CC statements for liquor store/grocery runs you don't remember.

But I'd guess he's "only" drinking 25-50 drinks a week (as few as 2-4 IPAs a day). Which DCUM assures me is totally fine.

Oh. And if he's out of the house 11-7, he could stop at a bar, or even if COVID-cautious, getting something to drink in the car. Ask me how I know.

But he probably isn't. He's probably "only" drinking those 25-50 drinks/week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also had a “sloth laying around”. It turns out my DH had a serious alcohol problem.

DH does drink every night. IPAs. How do I figure out if it’s a problem though? I’m upstairs asleep shortly after the kids… he does his late night couch routine alone.

The alcohol seems to be a big part of the problem. My DH stays up late drinking; sleeps horribly; wakes up hungover; I’m sure he sips during the day and takes naps. The cycle is never ending. Your DH has an alcohol problem period.

[Anonymous]

Yes it’s a division of labor and both our jobs are highly demanding and exhausting and often deal with unreasonable people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also had a “sloth laying around”. It turns out my DH had a serious alcohol problem.

DH does drink every night. IPAs. How do I figure out if it’s a problem though? I’m upstairs asleep shortly after the kids… he does his late night couch routine alone.

FWIW, my now ex DH drank beers on the sofa every night to calm his racing mind so he could fall asleep, but alcohol messes with the quality if your sleep. So, it seems like it is working - you fall asleep and stay asleep - But in reality it’s very poor quality sleep so you still feel tired the next morning and the whole cycle just kind of repeats itself getting worse and worse. In our situation my DH had bipolar Type 2. Medication helped. There was also a strong history of alcoholism and his family, so using alcohol in this way seemed normal to him.

You really need to sit down with him and have a conversation in which you expressed concern that he may be depressed and that’s the reason why he’s tired all the time. Ask him to be screened by a psychiatrist. Ask that the psychiatrist me or talk to you briefly as well during the intake, that’s the time when you can expressed concerns about mental health or alcoholism or extreme fatigue.

[Anonymous]

I require more sleep than my spouse but I also go to bed at a reasonable time. His excuse doesn’t make sense if he’s staying up late watching TV. I’m so sorry, can’t imagine how frustrating this is for you. My only advice is counseling and explore whether he has a drinking problem.

[Anonymous]

I second screening by psychiatrist. Things like ADHD can contribute to nightowl symptoms as well as personal disorganization like not being able to keep track of kid homework, brush teeth etc in the mornings. Do not be fooled by his success at work. ADHD can also contribute to addiction issues.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you can change him. I also think your kids are better off with you at the helm most of the time, if not all. As others have pointed out, you chose to have four kids with this guy despite knowing early on that he is a person who needs inordinate amounts of sleep, is probably also lazy and who drinks a bit too much. So for the kids' sake, just own it.

If he makes decent money and goes to work everyday and the kids actually like him I'd just roll with this situation until your kids are out of school, then if you are still unhappy you can leave.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is lazy and entitled. But I want to know how you got to the fourth kid without knowing this, or is this some kind of a recent change?

[Anonymous]

Nothing could motivate me more to get to a morning exercise class a few days a week more than having a husband like yours.

Set your alarm, wake up the kids and drop them in the bed with your husband. Set his alarm and leave

Tell him the night before.

[Anonymous]

Stop being his servant and stop taking care of his needs. Focus on yourself and the kids. Toss the beer in the trash.

[Anonymous]

You should streamline the morning routine so you can manage better - waterbotyles filled and in packages the night before, same with homework, non perishable portion of breakfast set out, etc.

I say this bc dh is the same way. Not a morning person. Can't wake up, grumpy if he does, etc....it's like he's my 5th child.

I ignore him and just carry on myself solo. I re-adjusted my expectations so I don't count on him at all. I have life hacks tucked away so our morning rush out the door is doable (I resist the urge to cleanup breakfast and just focus on getting shoes on, or put breakfast in a container and preK kid eats in car and ES kids eat at bus stop, etc).

The tradeoff: Dh chips on a lot at dinner and playtime after dinner.

Maybe you can have your DH take-on XYZ instead if he cant do morning AM rush.