Husband -father of 4- sleeps in every single day

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The op has to be enabling her husband. If I acted like OP’s husband, my wife would have my balls in a vise.

Second, how do you have four kids with this bum?

Why did the bum make 4 kids?

Some of you will really say anything to blame a woman.

OP shouldn’t have to discipline her DH as though he’s a child. She’s shared her issues and he hasn’t done jack shit to fix it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:If you are a sahm that’s your job
Also you have 4 kids so divorce can be problematic
I suggest you calm down and accept your life

You are female, and take on the bulk if your family’s care, so accept having an addict for your life partner. Got it!!!

Remember that in DCUMland, suffering silently for years, simmering in resentment, and being taken advantage of is better than being single!

I am the first poster here. I mean, what else is there to do? She is a former teacher with 4 small kids.

She was a teacher. Plenty of open teaching positions these days. DH would be paying a significant amount of support, plus a portion of childcare.

Obviously, they have a lot of things they can try before they opt to separate, but the narrative that women have to accept whatever scraps men throw at them in marriage is such a dangerous one.

We’re not talking about a guy who leave the seat up and forgets to take out the trash. He’s hands-off dad and a binge drinker. WTF are she or her kids getting out of this relationship?

[Anonymous]

I hate how quick everyone turns to recommending divorce. OP has a serious issue and she may be better off without the husband, but the court will give him half custody regardless of whether he’s competent (and sober) enough to take care of the kids. As the adult child of an alcoholic it always triggers me when people jump to “divorce”. That isn’t a safe option for the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are a sahm that’s your job
Also you have 4 kids so divorce can be problematic
I suggest you calm down and accept your life

You are female, and take on the bulk if your family’s care, so accept having an addict for your life partner. Got it!!!

Remember that in DCUMland, suffering silently for years, simmering in resentment, and being taken advantage of is better than being single!

I am the first poster here. I mean, what else is there to do? She is a former teacher with 4 small kids.

Since all her kids are in school, what really stops her from going back to teaching? The days/hours are the same hours/days that her kids are already out of the house. She'd only need a sitter for a handful of teacher workdays. If she wants a divorce, she'll need some non-husband-based income since child support isn't going to be enough to live on.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I am a SAHM. Not really by choice. I’d love to work again. But we have too many kids and preschool/school is very unpredictable with covid/quarantines. Preschool pickup is at noon. I have about 2.5 hours of “leisure time” between the last drop off and first pick up. This is when I grocery shop, clean, and put laundry away. (DH is usually home for most of that time… being a sloth.) So leisurely. We haven’t had a full week of school for the kids in many weeks (months?) due to covid. Prior to staying home, I was a FCPS teacher. No flexibility, stressful, and not enough pay to cover a FT nanny or FT daycare for littles and after care for bigs. I’m trapped.

I’ll look into Al-anon, thank you for the suggestion.

Mmm, yeah. Kids are your job then. Since you ha e half-day care for your kids, you are doing better than most SAH parents in terms of 'free' time. Also better than most WOH parents who do drop-off, work, pick-up with no time to do chores uninterrupted since kids are home when they are.

So to be clear, OPs job is 14.5 hours with a 2.5 hour break, and DH works 8 hours, minus whatever time he’s goofing off at work, and that’s equal?

I thought men were supposed to be so good at math and STEM?

Preschool age lids are not awake 14.5 hours total per day, honestly. Between the 7:30 bedtime and the 1/2 day 'school' and the afternoon nap, OP is probably spending about the same amount of time with her kids as jer husband is working. Figure 1 hour in the AM to get ready for school, husband drops off, pick up at noon, 1 hour nap and 7:30 bedtime and she is spending about 7.5 -8 hours with the kids.

Bad at math and you can’t read either? Her oldest is 7. There’s no 7:30 bedtime, and there is definitely more than an hour in the morning.

She said home at 7 misses the evening/bedtime routine, so, yeah, 7:30 or 8 is gonna be the end of her day.

“The bulk of” the evening routine. That begins with dinner prep, likely around 4pm. I seriously doubt her 7 y/o is in bed before 8:30. So she gets a 14.5 hour day with a 2.5 hour break, during which she does the families housework, and her “partner” goes to work for 8 hours counting his commute, probably goofs off for at least an hour at work, and then does nothing at home. And this is equal, you say?

Do you think that OPs spouse makes enough to pay for her to stay home and pay for childcare by 'goofing around' all day? Heck I imagine he's putting in a significant amount of work to make that kind of money in a 40 hour week.

But he doesn’t pay for her to stay home and pay for childcare— he has a kid in part day preschool and then kids in free public school. If he was making the kind of money you’re fantasizing for him they would have a nanny or at least a housekeeper and OP wouldn’t be carrying all the weight. He’d still be a drunk but OP wouldn’t be essentially a single parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I am a SAHM. Not really by choice. I’d love to work again. But we have too many kids and preschool/school is very unpredictable with covid/quarantines. Preschool pickup is at noon. I have about 2.5 hours of “leisure time” between the last drop off and first pick up. This is when I grocery shop, clean, and put laundry away. (DH is usually home for most of that time… being a sloth.) So leisurely. We haven’t had a full week of school for the kids in many weeks (months?) due to covid. Prior to staying home, I was a FCPS teacher. No flexibility, stressful, and not enough pay to cover a FT nanny or FT daycare for littles and after care for bigs. I’m trapped.

I’ll look into Al-anon, thank you for the suggestion.

Mmm, yeah. Kids are your job then. Since you ha e half-day care for your kids, you are doing better than most SAH parents in terms of 'free' time. Also better than most WOH parents who do drop-off, work, pick-up with no time to do chores uninterrupted since kids are home when they are.

So to be clear, OPs job is 14.5 hours with a 2.5 hour break, and DH works 8 hours, minus whatever time he’s goofing off at work, and that’s equal?

I thought men were supposed to be so good at math and STEM?

Preschool age lids are not awake 14.5 hours total per day, honestly. Between the 7:30 bedtime and the 1/2 day 'school' and the afternoon nap, OP is probably spending about the same amount of time with her kids as jer husband is working. Figure 1 hour in the AM to get ready for school, husband drops off, pick up at noon, 1 hour nap and 7:30 bedtime and she is spending about 7.5 -8 hours with the kids.

Bad at math and you can’t read either? Her oldest is 7. There’s no 7:30 bedtime, and there is definitely more than an hour in the morning.

She said home at 7 misses the evening/bedtime routine, so, yeah, 7:30 or 8 is gonna be the end of her day.

“The bulk of” the evening routine. That begins with dinner prep, likely around 4pm. I seriously doubt her 7 y/o is in bed before 8:30. So she gets a 14.5 hour day with a 2.5 hour break, during which she does the families housework, and her “partner” goes to work for 8 hours counting his commute, probably goofs off for at least an hour at work, and then does nothing at home. And this is equal, you say?

Do you think that OPs spouse makes enough to pay for her to stay home and pay for childcare by 'goofing around' all day? Heck I imagine he's putting in a significant amount of work to make that kind of money in a 40 hour week.

But he doesn’t pay for her to stay home and pay for childcare— he has a kid in part day preschool and then kids in free public school. If he was making the kind of money you’re fantasizing for him they would have a nanny or at least a housekeeper and OP wouldn’t be carrying all the weight. He’d still be a drunk but OP wouldn’t be essentially a single parent.

LOL. You are really trying hard, I'll give you that. I agree that drunk is a problem, but the man isn't lazy, he's making enough to support 4 kids and a SAH wife and paying for half-day care for the younger child which is indeed a luxury item, no matter how much you want it not to be. None of that is inexpensive.

[Anonymous]

I’m most bothered by the fact that he ignores or even worse, tells the kids to “go away” when they try to engage with him.
Drinking? Sleep apnea? Depression? Someone else?
Have a serious sit-down talk with him. Get a sitter or a relative to stay with the kids so you can leave the house and talk in a private setting. Good luck OP

[Anonymous]

I would like to know how this couple ended up with children #3 and #4 if he acts like this and goes to bed much later than her.

OP - what did you think would change? Be glad that things will change/get better with the kids as they get older, but what are you going to do about him?