Husband -father of 4- sleeps in every single day

[Anonymous]

I’m guessing I know the answer, but who does dinner and bedtime?

[Anonymous]

How do I get him to understand how unfair it is to put me in this position every single day?
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Tell him that you are burning out and feeling entirely unheard and disrespected. He is an uninvolved parent who has chosen to dump nearly all of the workload on you. While you hear that he needs more sleep, declare that you NEED the two of you in marriage counselling asap or a separation will be coming swiftly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Three days a week you need to go to an exercise class at 7. Your kids will be fine. What is the worst case scenario here, they are hungry for a few hours? They aren’t dressed? They’re late to second grade? They’ll be fine. If your excuse is that it won’t be done exactly how you would, then you’re being a martyr. If something goes really wrong you will find out and then you can deal with that problem.

The only way to get your husband to do more is to leave the house.

This is OP. You’re right. Thank you for the pep talk.

[Anonymous]

Your DH sounds like me. I had mono in HS and since then have had constant fatigue. It sucks. If I could have one wish/superpower it would be to only need 4 hours of sleep a night instead of 12+. At any point I could nap. I never wake up 'fresh'. A few times a month I sleep 18+ hours a day.

Having said that, when/if my DH needs help, he asks specifically for what he needs. I think you need to do that. Be specific.

I am wondering if he is also a bit lazy- as I get up and do for my family as needed- but when I CAN sleep in or nap, I do.

(no alcohol/drugs ever for me- that would really make the fatigue even worse I'm sure).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Three days a week you need to go to an exercise class at 7. Your kids will be fine. What is the worst case scenario here, they are hungry for a few hours? They aren’t dressed? They’re late to second grade? They’ll be fine. If your excuse is that it won’t be done exactly how you would, then you’re being a martyr. If something goes really wrong you will find out and then you can deal with that problem.

The only way to get your husband to do more is to leave the house.

This is OP. You’re right. Thank you for the pep talk.

This is 17:27 with chronic fatigue and I 100% agree. When DH had to go to Europe for a month for work- it was a non-issue. I did it all- no complaints and I survived. If he had been here, I would have leaned on him as he is not a complainer.

[Anonymous]

I could have written this, except we only have 2 kids and I have survived until they are teens so it’s much less of an issue. We fought about him sleeping in a lot when the kids were little, to the point where even now if I refer to him being asleep in the morning I am accused of nagging even if I say it as a statement of fact not as a complaint. And he still sleeps in past when the kids leave for school.

My DH is otherwise an involved father and helps out in the evenings much more than it sounds like yours does. At some point I consciously decided that it was not worth divorcing over. And would remind myself to take time to myself sometimes because I had the extra time parenting that felt unseen. I got through the worst of it - which I remind myself every time I need to drag my oldest out of bed for school.

So no real advice from me, but lots and lots of sympathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also had a “sloth laying around”. It turns out my DH had a serious alcohol problem.

DH does drink every night. IPAs. How do I figure out if it’s a problem though? I’m upstairs asleep shortly after the kids… he does his late night couch routine alone.

Set your alarm for the right time and creep downstairs to see what he's doing. Make up some excuse like you needed an Advil or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also had a “sloth laying around”. It turns out my DH had a serious alcohol problem.

DH does drink every night. IPAs. How do I figure out if it’s a problem though? I’m upstairs asleep shortly after the kids… he does his late night couch routine alone.

Set your alarm for the right time and creep downstairs to see what he's doing. Make up some excuse like you needed an Advil or something.

Just count the empty cans/bottles- he hardly sounds fastidious enough to hide the evidence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also had a “sloth laying around”. It turns out my DH had a serious alcohol problem.

DH does drink every night. IPAs. How do I figure out if it’s a problem though? I’m upstairs asleep shortly after the kids… he does his late night couch routine alone.

THIS IS MY LIFE. 3 kids, older than yours. He hardly ever wakes up before 9 or 10. Drinks a bottle of wine every night. Goes to sleep at midnight or later. If I’m not home, he will deal but if I’m home, it’s all on me. Ironically, he wants a divorce.

[Anonymous]

You need to stop producing kids. What exactly made you think 4 was a good idea?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also had a “sloth laying around”. It turns out my DH had a serious alcohol problem.

DH does drink every night. IPAs. How do I figure out if it’s a problem though? I’m upstairs asleep shortly after the kids… he does his late night couch routine alone.

How many IPAs per night? My DH is a recovering alcoholic. It’s hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Husband is in his 40s. Makes his own hours at work. We have 4 kids under 8. Kids all need to be out the door in the morning for preschool and elementary school between 8:30 and 9. Husband can barely get out of bed. Every day he sets his alarm for 7:45 or 8. Comes downstairs well after 8 completely disheveled, complains about ailments, not sleeping well, how gross the weather is… will begrudgingly drive preschooler to school (in his pajamas) but has nothing to do with the morning routine… I get up alone, dress kids, make breakfast, pack lunches, fill water bottles, make sure HW is done and packed, hair is brushed, shoes are on, hats/mittens/coats/masks are ready. It’s insulting that he lies in bed while I juggle the morning routine alone. After the kids leave the house, he mills around and often doesn’t leave the house until 11am. Comes home around 7. (Conveniently missing the bulk of the evening routine too.) He then parks on the couch and stays up late every night (12-1am).

To make matters worse, on the weekends or on “vacation” or during school breaks he doesn’t set an alarm and easily sleeps past 9. Sometimes doesn’t appear downstairs until 10am. If I wake him up, he gets mad. If the kids go in and jump on him, he yells at them to go away. He seems to feel zero guilt that I am on duty in the mornings 7 days a week. We have fought about this for many years now. He gets very defensive and says things like “I need more sleep than you” or “you need to respect that I have different sleeping patterns than you”. Sometimes he’ll try to change (come downstairs at 7:30 two days in a row) but then he gets especially tired and just can’t keep up. A couple times a month he’ll *go back to bed* after preschool drop off and snooze until noon.

On the weekends we do quiet time and he ALWAYS naps. It makes me crazy when he gets up at 10am and then naps from 1-3. I’m at the point where I would rather be a single parent than be annoyed by this sloth lying around all the damn time. Why doesn’t he feel guilty? How do I get him to understand how unfair it is to put me in this position every single day?

how is he on the after school and bedtime routines?

[Anonymous]

If you're already doing everything alone, what do you need him for?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like OP is a SAHM who wants her DH to be the one who works two shifts.

She can get a job and then they can renegotiate morning and evening schedules. Until then she has no leverage. He is making all the money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DH sounds like me. I had mono in HS and since then have had constant fatigue. It sucks. If I could have one wish/superpower it would be to only need 4 hours of sleep a night instead of 12+. At any point I could nap. I never wake up 'fresh'. A few times a month I sleep 18+ hours a day.

Having said that, when/if my DH needs help, he asks specifically for what he needs. I think you need to do that. Be specific.

I am wondering if he is also a bit lazy- as I get up and do for my family as needed- but when I CAN sleep in or nap, I do.

(no alcohol/drugs ever for me- that would really make the fatigue even worse I'm sure).

IF this is true, then I feel bad for the DH but then he should also have been honest that he would not be able to contribute to having 4 kids.

The reality is that DH didn’t think through this situation — his wife probably wanted the kids and he just said ok because he had no idea. Then when it happened, he was overwhelmed but what was done, didn’t think it through and he said yes to kid numbers 3 and 4 because this routine of him doing nothing was already entrenched.

OP, I like the idea of your leaving the house. But you also need to think through what you are looking for here. Neither of you really thought about this at all.

Also, maybe he can do some other things. Maybe he needs to start making dinner, or at least doing all the cleanup. Until then, umm, no sex.
Really, since the last thing either of you need is any more procreation. Good luck!