I finally set a boundary with in laws and they made me feel bad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Posts like these remind me of how thankful I am that we both have normal relationships with our parents. I had no idea how rare it is. Both sets of our parents are welcome in our home at any time, especially the set that has to travel to get here. There is absolutely no circumstance where we would ever dictate or decline an arrival time, especially for the holidays. Yes, we both work so I understand how it feels to be short on time. But these are parents, not dinner party guests.

And I'm thankful that I have considerate family members who always ask what would be a good time for them to arrive. And then actually respect our wishes.

[Anonymous]

If my ILs showed up hours early, or asked/insisted on showing up hours early even after I explained I needed time to prepare, I’d open the door and then leave them and DH to it. Oh, the sheets for your bed? They’re in the dryer—I needed extra time to get ready, but you insisted on coming earlier than we had agreed. So feel free to make up your bed with those sheets. Oh what’s for dinner? I don’t know—ask Kevin what he plans to cook for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I recommend that you have a response ready in case your MIL says something when she comes to your house. She is still learning about your boundaries, so don't be surprised if she says something like "Well, we would have liked to come earlier. I hope our later arrival helped your mental health."

In this instance, I think less is more. Just respond "Yup!" and move along. Do NOT give an explanation for why you wanted them to come later. It is your house, you set the boundaries. You don't need to explain yourself to others.

Good luck!

this! Say it emphatically and cheerfully--own it. When she says something like this, say very cheerfully, "It DID help me! Thank you!" and big smile. Then move on.

You asked for what you wanted, and she delivered it. Ignore all the BS that comes with the delivery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hugs OP- I don't know why you are getting a hard time here. But I do suggest having your husband tell them next time.

You did nothing wrong, now get off DCUM and avoid reading what these people have to say.

AND ONE MORE TIME, OP SAID 4PM WAS OK TO ARRIVE. IT ISN'T DARK AT 4 PM. MY GOD LEARN TO READ

OP is getting a hard time here because emotionally abusive people don’t limit their abuse to in-person interactions. They need to abuse OP to justify their own bad behavior with their own family.

Oh for heaven's sake, MIL is not emotionally abusive because she made a snide comment about not being able to come earlier like they have every other time. It was obnoxious but let's not elevate every instance of a family member being ungracious or unkind to abuse.

OP, it's fine to be annoyed at this comment but just brush it off. She thinks you're being silly because family should be no pressure, you think hosting always comes with some pressure and it can't be 24/7, the goal here is that she sticks to the boundary. She's not in charge of your feelings. Let DH handle the next conversation about it so you don't have to deal.

I didn’t say the MIL was emotionally abusive, I was referring to certain posters here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you left it too late to set boundaries - both historically and in terms of this holiday. You had this conversation when? Yesterday?

they will feel unwelcome in your home now. Well done.
You achieved exactly zero.

Except she made herself the bad guy and looks ungracious and hostile to boot. I'd say this was a slam dunk by the MIL and the funny thing is the OP did it all to herself. Score for MIL!!!!

DP. It’s quite odd that you view family relationships as competitions where one person “scores” on another in their interactions.

I think that scoring poster may well be on the eggnog already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If my ILs showed up hours early, or asked/insisted on showing up hours early even after I explained I needed time to prepare, I’d open the door and then leave them and DH to it. Oh, the sheets for your bed? They’re in the dryer—I needed extra time to get ready, but you insisted on coming earlier than we had agreed. So feel free to make up your bed with those sheets. Oh what’s for dinner? I don’t know—ask Kevin what he plans to cook for you.

This is not normal behavior. Let the ILs watch TV with their son while you do whatever you have to do. Most people would be perfectly content to just do that. You are not royalty hosting foreign dignitaries with a strict agenda. Lighten up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To be clear I totally get the driving in the dark - why I said come at 4p (then they drive in the light and arrive at 4). She said no we want to come earlier than that.

You're fine, don't worry. It isn't dark at 4pm lol (or even 5), most of these responses are just people doing the usual thing where they are desperate to argue with / blame the OP. I guess it's fun, I don't know.

Sunset is 4:50 in the DC area today. OP’s concern was legit.

[Anonymous]

^ OP’s in law’s concern, I mean.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would recommend being prepared for your in-laws to show up before 4pm tomorrow and have a plan for how to address it. Answering the door at 2:30 and telling them they will need to wait 90 minutes or refusing to answer the door at all before 4 are options, but may be hard to implement when actually faced with it. If you have errands to run tomorrow, you might consider doing them in the afternoon with a plan of getting home shortly before 4pm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To be clear I totally get the driving in the dark - why I said come at 4p (then they drive in the light and arrive at 4). She said no we want to come earlier than that.

You're fine, don't worry. It isn't dark at 4pm lol (or even 5), most of these responses are just people doing the usual thing where they are desperate to argue with / blame the OP. I guess it's fun, I don't know.

Sunset is 4:50 in the DC area today. OP’s concern was legit.

That doesn’t mean it’s dark at 4:50. But even so, OP already told her MIL they could arrive at 4pm so you are arguing an issue that does not exist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you left it too late to set boundaries - both historically and in terms of this holiday. You had this conversation when? Yesterday?

they will feel unwelcome in your home now. Well done.
You achieved exactly zero.

Except she made herself the bad guy and looks ungracious and hostile to boot. I'd say this was a slam dunk by the MIL and the funny thing is the OP did it all to herself. Score for MIL!!!!

+1

+2. Try to shake it off and move on OP but sadly have to agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's a difference between setting boundaries and needing to control a situation. An hour or two early will not break you. Ask your DH for help TODAY.

What is the difference in this case?

A boundary is healthy; losing it because they want to arrive early and enjoy the day as they always do is not. She's obviously got some control issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To be clear I totally get the driving in the dark - why I said come at 4p (then they drive in the light and arrive at 4). She said no we want to come earlier than that.

You're fine, don't worry. It isn't dark at 4pm lol (or even 5), most of these responses are just people doing the usual thing where they are desperate to argue with / blame the OP. I guess it's fun, I don't know.

Sunset is 4:50 in the DC area today. OP’s concern was legit.

That doesn’t mean it’s dark at 4:50. But even so, OP already told her MIL they could arrive at 4pm so you are arguing an issue that does not exist.

I am arguing against “it isn’t dark at 5 pm” which is what previous poster wrote and objectively is untrue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be prepared with some replies OP!

Usually just saying “Okay.” And cheerfully letting things roll off your back works well to deflate these types of comments. Think of it as a game. She’s trying to needle you and you can’t let her win.

One or two times during the visit you could look concerned and say simply. “How are you doing Barb? Is everything okay health wise?” Follow up with “it’s okay. We don’t have to talk about it now.” You could reframe how you talk about it to your husband too: “Has MIL seen a doctor recently? She seemed really afraid to drive in the afternoon.” Mention that a friend said one of the early signs of dementia in her mom was rigidity with schedules and insisting on dropping mail directly at the post office first thing in the morning.” Things like that.

Play the game. I guarantee “Concern” will annoy her much more than anything else you could say.

Don't do this. Don't be passive-aggressive and mindf*ck someone old into worrying they have dementia. That would be disgusting of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is how it feels to set boundaries with people who don't want to respect them. Keep it up, you're doing great. (Except maybe for the husband part....)

Where was the husband during this conversation??