Job offer overseas vs 50% child custody

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi all,
This is OP. I was surprised to see so many more replies. Some even sound like it was me who replied.
Some clarifications - this was indeed a hypothetical question; our marriage is falling apart, so I’m researching this question.
This discussion was helpful - thanks for your diverse perspectives and sharing your experiences or what you know.
Kids are in elementary and overseas exposure is an opportunity to pick up at least one foreign language and travel around and expand outlook.
DH makes me feel we are a burden… he does some pickups and drop offs but generally, we are not a source of his happiness and joy. I could not make him happy… to me he is still a bachelor mentality who tries to fit in and look like a father but he can’t… it’s just not his thing… my heart hurts for my kids…

I’m not sure what is going to happen but I will try to talk and get his agreement for more custody on my end - we are yet to have mediator appointment and hammer out in house separation agreement … get his ok in writing maybe that he does not object that I leave with kids in case of a job offer.

You know, after so much verbal abuse and neglect, I do not think staying married is an option. “You better be alone rather than with whoever.”

This person blamed me that I spent too much money on my father’s funeral overseas because I flew out for the funeral. This person has no heart.

If you want a divorce, get one. You can get an apartment/house nearby and share custody. That is in the kids best interests. But, you don't need to move to the other side of the world as an excuse. If you want to go, go. But, clearly Dad is involved and has a relationship with the kids and you will hurt your kids by severing that relationship.

There is zero reason your kids cannot learn a foreign language living here. There is zero reason you cannot travel living here. Those excuses don't TRUMP losing a relationship with their Dad.

How do you think your kids will feel moving to a foreign country where they don't speak the language? Are you going to pay for an American school? What would your custody agreement be? Would you give Dad all summer (then how would you travel)? Holidays? Who pays for the plane tickets? Who flies back and forth with the kids?

We don't know your full situation but maybe you couldn't afford the trip and maybe your finances are an issue? Maybe you could work on your finances or address the issues in your marriage. It takes two to fix a marriage. If you don't want to, leave. If you want to fix the marriage, you have to be part of the solution. He sounds like he tries and you minimize what he does do.

It’s not clear dad is involved in anything.
It doesn’t sound like he tries anything.
Where are you getting these cliches from? She actually said he does very little and is verbally abusive to her and negligent to all of them. And tries to live like a bachelor.

We don't know anything about some strangers posting. Of course she's going to say she's perfect and he's the entire problem. If he is doing school pick ups and other stuff he is not living like a bachelor. You are just taking minimal information and making inferences.

It is fine for OP to leave and get divorced but there is zero reason for her to move out of the country and is looking to deliberately cut dad out fo the kids lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he’s image focused and abusive then make the break up about him and what’s good for him and how much more fun he’ll have visiting or doing a summer trip with the kids, etc.

Yes, that’s the plan. I am scared he can blow up and I know I have to be very careful.

You think he shouldn't get upset when you are 100% taking the kids away from him and refuse to let him see them again?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can go to court and fight for full custody but that would be pretty terrible for him and the kids. Or, just leave the kids with him and take the job. You can have visits on holidays and summers.

Sounds like I have to persuade him to let me go…

You mean and take the kids with you?

I mean, speaking as a father, my answer to you would be I support you going and will work with you to give you as much opportunity to see the children as possible, but I would go to the mat in court to prevent you from taking my kids with you. Your choices are to not take the job and remain close to the kids or take the jobs and see the kids sometimes. Those are quite literally the only two choices. The other one where you take your children with you? It's not happening. And that IS a hill I would die on.

And WHY would you do that?

Why is that in the best interest of the children?

It is not in the kids best interest to move them away from their home and dad. Mom can go and have visits.

Prove its in their best interest to not be with their mother. Prove what kind of parent you were and are.

Folks here complain Dad's aren't involved and completely dismiss Dad's role in the kids life.

Mom's priority is her career, not kids. She doesn't have to move/military. She is choosing to move. If she chooses to move, kids should stay at their home, their school, their activities, and with their Dad who is an equal parent.

When Dad wants to visit, many say those are all more important than visits, so which is it?

Some kids do far better and have a stronger relationship with Dad. Surprise. Some Dads are better parents than Mom's. Surprise.

Oh, look, it's the ubiquitous Angry Single Dad Troll. Again. Awkward, wooden writing style and horrible grammar are the dead giveaways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But this dad is faking it. He told me — these kids ruined our marriage. And that’s because it’s just too much for him to handle.

Really, and how did he tell you?

Really. I could not believe it.

I wanted to ask to close this discussion. It’s too painful to remember various incidents. And I have to stop the crying stage.
But I heard well and clear the voices that suggest to remain in place. This is an option too, although financially suboptimal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But this dad is faking it. He told me — these kids ruined our marriage. And that’s because it’s just too much for him to handle.

Really, and how did he tell you?

Really. I could not believe it.

I wanted to ask to close this discussion. It’s too painful to remember various incidents. And I have to stop the crying stage.
But I heard well and clear the voices that suggest to remain in place. This is an option too, although financially suboptimal.

OP - news flash - there are thousands of people stuck here because of custody. In the state of VA I can't even move several hours away within the state without a judge's permission.

All states in this area have a standard of 50/50 custody. Ask me how I know! My ex convicted of assault of us got every other weekend. Murderers get custodial time. You have no way to prove he's uninvolved until you divorce and he doesn't show up to get the kids, repeatedly. If he shows up every time not a single judge will allow you to move with them.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry you are going through such a difficult time, OP. I hope you find a solution that works for all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can go to court and fight for full custody but that would be pretty terrible for him and the kids. Or, just leave the kids with him and take the job. You can have visits on holidays and summers.

Sounds like I have to persuade him to let me go…

You mean and take the kids with you?

I mean, speaking as a father, my answer to you would be I support you going and will work with you to give you as much opportunity to see the children as possible, but I would go to the mat in court to prevent you from taking my kids with you. Your choices are to not take the job and remain close to the kids or take the jobs and see the kids sometimes. Those are quite literally the only two choices. The other one where you take your children with you? It's not happening. And that IS a hill I would die on.

And WHY would you do that?

Why is that in the best interest of the children?

It is not in the kids best interest to move them away from their home and dad. Mom can go and have visits.

Prove its in their best interest to not be with their mother. Prove what kind of parent you were and are.

Folks here complain Dad's aren't involved and completely dismiss Dad's role in the kids life.

Mom's priority is her career, not kids. She doesn't have to move/military. She is choosing to move. If she chooses to move, kids should stay at their home, their school, their activities, and with their Dad who is an equal parent.

When Dad wants to visit, many say those are all more important than visits, so which is it?

Some kids do far better and have a stronger relationship with Dad. Surprise. Some Dads are better parents than Mom's. Surprise.

Oh, look, it's the ubiquitous Angry Single Dad Troll. Again. Awkward, wooden writing style and horrible grammar are the dead giveaways.

You know why people are angry? You are hurting kids by taking their dad away for no good reason. You are hurting dads by taking their kids away. Then you complain when they are not involved, don’t want to be human atms or eventually give up.

There is no job and no reason for op to go. She wants to stick it to him.

Or this is fake.

[Anonymous]

I remember you, OP, with the abusive husband who blamed you about how much it cost for you to go to the funeral.

It sounds like you’re making a great step and considering divorce. Unfortunately, previous posters are right in that if he is even a vaguely fit parent you can’t move that far away. However, it still sounds like you have a bright future without him.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can go to court and fight for full custody but that would be pretty terrible for him and the kids. Or, just leave the kids with him and take the job. You can have visits on holidays and summers.

Sounds like I have to persuade him to let me go…

You can go if you want to. You do the right thing and leave the kids with him. Problem solved.

Yhe right thing is the kids not having a mom in their daily lives?
Op are you divorced now? Just wai until the kids are older to accept that job.

[Anonymous]

Basically, OP just wants to go back to her home country. Take her kids with her find a man from her culture he can pretend is the dad and act like her American husband never existed.

She's a woman so DCUM will automatically take her side no matter how sick she is. Fortunately, the courts don't go along for this, and pathetic excuses like he doesn't pick the kids up from school enough or sacrifice enough for my liking don't permit a parent to move away with the children and alienate the other parent.

Try it OP, the court system will not fall for your crocodile tears and you may even end up with less than 50% custody for your BS.

You want a divorce go ahead and get one, get yourself a little apartment or house, and travel with a job, but forget about running away back home and pretending your American life never existed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can go to court and fight for full custody but that would be pretty terrible for him and the kids. Or, just leave the kids with him and take the job. You can have visits on holidays and summers.

Sounds like I have to persuade him to let me go…

You mean and take the kids with you?

I mean, speaking as a father, my answer to you would be I support you going and will work with you to give you as much opportunity to see the children as possible, but I would go to the mat in court to prevent you from taking my kids with you. Your choices are to not take the job and remain close to the kids or take the jobs and see the kids sometimes. Those are quite literally the only two choices. The other one where you take your children with you? It's not happening. And that IS a hill I would die on.

The other option would be that you would go with your wife and children overseas. That’s what many women would do. It’s funny that you consider yourself supportive of your wife’s career, but don’t consider giving up anything you want as a viable option.

This isn’t actually an option in many cases. For starters I thought we were discussing a situation where the couple is divorced. In that instance, my support for her leaving has nothing to do with “supporting her career.” If anything, it would be a relief if she went to another country. What I was saying is I would work with her so she could see the kids. But in many countries a trailing spouse can’t even work, let alone a divorced one who picks up and moves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi all,
This is OP. I was surprised to see so many more replies. Some even sound like it was me who replied.
Some clarifications - this was indeed a hypothetical question; our marriage is falling apart, so I’m researching this question.
This discussion was helpful - thanks for your diverse perspectives and sharing your experiences or what you know.
Kids are in elementary and overseas exposure is an opportunity to pick up at least one foreign language and travel around and expand outlook.
DH makes me feel we are a burden… he does some pickups and drop offs but generally, we are not a source of his happiness and joy. I could not make him happy… to me he is still a bachelor mentality who tries to fit in and look like a father but he can’t… it’s just not his thing… my heart hurts for my kids…

I’m not sure what is going to happen but I will try to talk and get his agreement for more custody on my end - we are yet to have mediator appointment and hammer out in house separation agreement … get his ok in writing maybe that he does not object that I leave with kids in case of a job offer.

You know, after so much verbal abuse and neglect, I do not think staying married is an option. “You better be alone rather than with whoever.”

This person blamed me that I spent too much money on my father’s funeral overseas because I flew out for the funeral. This person has no heart.

None of that matters in court when it comes to custody. If he says he wants 50/50 even to reduce CS payments, you’re stuck. A judge won’t care that he was mean to you when a parent died. Don’t even bother bringing that up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can go to court and fight for full custody but that would be pretty terrible for him and the kids. Or, just leave the kids with him and take the job. You can have visits on holidays and summers.

Sounds like I have to persuade him to let me go…

You mean and take the kids with you?

I mean, speaking as a father, my answer to you would be I support you going and will work with you to give you as much opportunity to see the children as possible, but I would go to the mat in court to prevent you from taking my kids with you. Your choices are to not take the job and remain close to the kids or take the jobs and see the kids sometimes. Those are quite literally the only two choices. The other one where you take your children with you? It's not happening. And that IS a hill I would die on.

Lousy dad. All about you.

You are a c*nt.

The C word is uncalled for.

I am a Mom whose ex works a lot overseas, and on occasion he has spoken about applying for a job overseas. I used to have a career working overseas, so I get the longing to go back and the dearth of jobs in the US that offer comparable pay, responsibility and life experiences. Had I trusted my ex more (or at all), I might have been open to looking for tandem postings even though divorced. But, ex was unstable and unreliable and had lied to me A LOT, which meant the relationship necessary to do that wasn't there. Instead, I have full custody and facilitate visitation with the kids several times a week, and he goes on vacation with them for a week once a year. In truth, he doesn’t want more custody.

If he tried to fight me for custody of the kids in order to take them overseas, I would fight him with every penny I have. And it would not be all about me. The kids have school, and friends, and relatives here, not to mention educational and medical needs that can’t really be met overseas. I think living overseas is a wonderful experience, but not at the expense of crappy primary relationships. This is why I never sought a job overseas for myself, and why I never would fight to take them overseas even though I have full custody.

No, what was uncalled for was being a lousy dad. Pp was a c*nt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can go to court and fight for full custody but that would be pretty terrible for him and the kids. Or, just leave the kids with him and take the job. You can have visits on holidays and summers.

Sounds like I have to persuade him to let me go…

You mean and take the kids with you?

I mean, speaking as a father, my answer to you would be I support you going and will work with you to give you as much opportunity to see the children as possible, but I would go to the mat in court to prevent you from taking my kids with you. Your choices are to not take the job and remain close to the kids or take the jobs and see the kids sometimes. Those are quite literally the only two choices. The other one where you take your children with you? It's not happening. And that IS a hill I would die on.

And WHY would you do that?

Why is that in the best interest of the children?

Because after a divorce the children need stability, not to be dragged to another country. They also need their fathers as much as their mothers.

If a dad said has divorcing and wanted to take the kids with him to live in another country and see mom a couple of times a year, how would you respond?

It is almost as if you think kids need mom more than dad or something. Even if mom wants to drag them to another country to work what is likely a demanding job, leaving them in the care of foreign teachers and nannies. How is THAT good for the children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can go to court and fight for full custody but that would be pretty terrible for him and the kids. Or, just leave the kids with him and take the job. You can have visits on holidays and summers.

Sounds like I have to persuade him to let me go…

You mean and take the kids with you?

I mean, speaking as a father, my answer to you would be I support you going and will work with you to give you as much opportunity to see the children as possible, but I would go to the mat in court to prevent you from taking my kids with you. Your choices are to not take the job and remain close to the kids or take the jobs and see the kids sometimes. Those are quite literally the only two choices. The other one where you take your children with you? It's not happening. And that IS a hill I would die on.

And WHY would you do that?

Why is that in the best interest of the children?

It is not in the kids best interest to move them away from their home and dad. Mom can go and have visits.

Prove its in their best interest to not be with their mother. Prove what kind of parent you were and are.

You are operating under an antiquated paradigm, and have the burden of proof reversed.

There is no longer a default to "it is in the best interest of the children to be with their mother." The default now is 50/50, and the burden is on the parent who wants to alter that arrangement to prove why it is in the best interests. And that's doubly so when the reason for the change in custody is a move that will impact the other parent's ability to see the kids on a consistent basis.