Job offer overseas vs 50% child custody

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this whole thread discussion of whether or not you should morally take your kids overseas is irrelevant, as some folks have tried to say. You need to consult a divorce lawyer before you pursue your job hunt any further.

If your DH does not agree to the kids going, it doesn’t matter what he has contributed as father and husband, or how connected he is as a father. He will have 50% custody and if he doesn’t want them leaving the neighborhood you live in much less the country, they aren’t going anywhere. The courts would not allow it if both parents don’t agree to the move.

Your only choice would be to convince him somehow to allow them to go. If he doesn’t, you’re going to have to live here and find a job here. Full stop.

From her post, he does the after school care and activities so he cannot be as bad of a dad as she makes him out ot be.

It doesn’t matter. Unless he is an imprisoned child-murdering schitzophrenic, he will get partial custody and that means they can’t go anywhere without both parents’ approval. Otherwise the courts won’t allow it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who are all these Dads who actually want their kids?

Most divorced dads are lousy. Fact.

OP's husband doesn’t want to be a dad. He's admitted it.

Typical man.

Really, we haven't heard from the husband/Dad. We don't know if this is for real or the actual full story. Most Dad's I know would gladly have full custody. What kind of person are you to say that? Typical mom who doesn't want the Dad involved for more child support.

And do what? Dump them on a nanny, new girlfriend or his 75 yo mother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this whole thread discussion of whether or not you should morally take your kids overseas is irrelevant, as some folks have tried to say. You need to consult a divorce lawyer before you pursue your job hunt any further.

If your DH does not agree to the kids going, it doesn’t matter what he has contributed as father and husband, or how connected he is as a father. He will have 50% custody and if he doesn’t want them leaving the neighborhood you live in much less the country, they aren’t going anywhere. The courts would not allow it if both parents don’t agree to the move.

Your only choice would be to convince him somehow to allow them to go. If he doesn’t, you’re going to have to live here and find a job here. Full stop.

This isn't always true. I know someone who was divorced with several kids, her ex lived in the same area as her and had the kids every other weekend. She remarried, and a couple years after that her new husband got a job on the other side of the country. The ex tried to fight it, but in the end the judge ruled that she could move across the country with the new husband and bring the kids with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’ll need a new custody agreement.

Negotiate with him. Can he have them for vacations? Can he come overseas for visits every once in a while? Maybe he'd prefer that. Don't assume anything until you've talked it over. There may be a solution that's agreeable to both of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’ll need a new custody agreement.

Negotiate with him. Can he have them for vacations? Can he come overseas for visits every once in a while? Maybe he'd prefer that. Don't assume anything until you've talked it over. There may be a solution that's agreeable to both of you.

She can have them vacations. She can visit occasionally. Who is paying for all those trips?

[Anonymous]

What is so hard to understand, you cannot have 50% custody and move with the kids to another country

[Anonymous]

Unless you literally want to only see your kids for 6 months of the year, and then not see them the other 6 what do you expect to happen? If he's not a dead beat, which it sounds he isn't, then if you want to leave you'll be leaving them behind. Period. Can you deal with that? No? Then you cannot move overseas.

I'm sure it's a "great opportunity" for you, but you got married and had kids and then got divorced. It stopped being about you a long time ago...

[Anonymous]

I moved across the country with my kid even though we had split custody and exh fought it. He had 'abandoned' my child and I for almost a year in that he moved away and didn't see our kid and he didn't pay any court ordered support, so the judge let us move and approved a long distance parenting plan that my lawyer prepared. Probably not applicable to OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Still op. Another option is to land that offer fast and leave and that will be out one year separation as grounds for divorce.
I just really don’t know how he is going to act. I think public opinion is important to him and that’s why he might try to make it hard. He looks like a perfect dad in the eyes of the community and immediate family, but it’s a sham.

If you take your kids out of the country without the other parent’s approval, he can report it as kidnapping and you are never getting a full custody of your kids. Don’t even think about that. I’d suggest you start being nice to your husband (even if you have to pretend) and perhaps start talking about a temporary opportunity overseas, amazing schools for the kids, of course coming back home frequently. Get a legal paper from him signed that you can take children with you out of the country for as long as you have a job…and don’t file for divorce! Once you are settled in a new country it will be easier to claim that uprooting them and sending them back to US will be against their best interest. I would talk to a lawyer for sure before make any moves, one mistake and you are out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Still op. Another option is to land that offer fast and leave and that will be out one year separation as grounds for divorce.
I just really don’t know how he is going to act. I think public opinion is important to him and that’s why he might try to make it hard. He looks like a perfect dad in the eyes of the community and immediate family, but it’s a sham.

If you take your kids out of the country without the other parent’s approval, he can report it as kidnapping and you are never getting a full custody of your kids. Don’t even think about that. I’d suggest you start being nice to your husband (even if you have to pretend) and perhaps start talking about a temporary opportunity overseas, amazing schools for the kids, of course coming back home frequently. Get a legal paper from him signed that you can take children with you out of the country for as long as you have a job…and don’t file for divorce! Once you are settled in a new country it will be easier to claim that uprooting them and sending them back to US will be against their best interest. I would talk to a lawyer for sure before make any moves, one mistake and you are out.

I'm amazed OP that you think your kids will forgive you for this down the road. He may not be a 50% dad or an awesome dad or whatever, but he is their dad and unless he is abusive your kids want him in their lives. You don't have the right to essentially end their relationship with their dad by moving them overseas. You are awful and selfish. Sorry, this is the big downside of divorce, this is why so many of us stick it out in meh marriages, you don't get to have it all and screw your kids dad / someone you used to love in the process

[Anonymous]

So OP tell us about your STBX - how bad of a father is he exactly? What has he done to earn that title in your eyes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Grateful if someone has an answer to the following.
Suppose I’m divorced with 50% custody of children.
Does that mean I’m forever tied to the location job-wise where my husband is also located?
That is, I can’t accept overseas job offers as that would effectively prevent his 50% custody?

It depends. Usually you have to let him know and he has 90 days to respond. My friends ex didn't respond for whatever reason and she moved with the kids.

Some men wouldn't care because they would be relieved not to have all that responsibility of the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you had this problem, what was the resolution?
Talk your spouse into letting you pursue your career somehow?
My DH was not that much into being family mane anyway… so I am hoping he won’t mind if we agree on visit-travel schedules several times a year…

If your ex-husband has 50% custody, he is an involved Dad and it would be terrible to take them from him. A few visits a year isn't enough for the kids to have a relationship with their Dad.

You leave the kids with Dad and move. You get visitations and/or travel to see them. Problem solved.

I can’t do that… he is an absentee dad and goes nuts if he babysits too much.

Then he may be happy if you and the kids live your own life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi all,
This is OP. I was surprised to see so many more replies. Some even sound like it was me who replied.
Some clarifications - this was indeed a hypothetical question; our marriage is falling apart, so I’m researching this question.
This discussion was helpful - thanks for your diverse perspectives and sharing your experiences or what you know.
Kids are in elementary and overseas exposure is an opportunity to pick up at least one foreign language and travel around and expand outlook.
DH makes me feel we are a burden… he does some pickups and drop offs but generally, we are not a source of his happiness and joy. I could not make him happy… to me he is still a bachelor mentality who tries to fit in and look like a father but he can’t… it’s just not his thing… my heart hurts for my kids…

I’m not sure what is going to happen but I will try to talk and get his agreement for more custody on my end - we are yet to have mediator appointment and hammer out in house separation agreement … get his ok in writing maybe that he does not object that I leave with kids in case of a job offer.

You know, after so much verbal abuse and neglect, I do not think staying married is an option. “You better be alone rather than with whoever.”

This person blamed me that I spent too much money on my father’s funeral overseas because I flew out for the funeral. This person has no heart.

I'd be a little smarter if I were you. I planned to divorce after he told me he took a job overseas and we would live there for at least 3 years. Didn't consult me or anything. I pretended to go along with it. After 10 months I left and filed divorce from the U.S. while he was over there. Not a thing he could do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can go to court and fight for full custody but that would be pretty terrible for him and the kids. Or, just leave the kids with him and take the job. You can have visits on holidays and summers.

Sounds like I have to persuade him to let me go…

You mean and take the kids with you?

I mean, speaking as a father, my answer to you would be I support you going and will work with you to give you as much opportunity to see the children as possible, but I would go to the mat in court to prevent you from taking my kids with you. Your choices are to not take the job and remain close to the kids or take the jobs and see the kids sometimes. Those are quite literally the only two choices. The other one where you take your children with you? It's not happening. And that IS a hill I would die on.

And WHY would you do that?

Why is that in the best interest of the children?

Because after a divorce the children need stability, not to be dragged to another country. They also need their fathers as much as their mothers.

If a dad said has divorcing and wanted to take the kids with him to live in another country and see mom a couple of times a year, how would you respond?

It is almost as if you think kids need mom more than dad or something. Even if mom wants to drag them to another country to work what is likely a demanding job, leaving them in the care of foreign teachers and nannies. How is THAT good for the children?

Why do you say they need their fathers?

Especially if their fathers never did much child raising nor want to?

Why? Where is the data or study that makes such a blanket statement that abusive, negligent, careless, ill, or mentally disordered people get solo unsupervised custody time with a child?
That doesn’t sound best for the child.
That is some generic Parents Rights BS trumping what is actually best for a child and care of the child.

It doesn't. The kids are better off without a horrible parent obviously.

Your kids can have a great education overseas, probably better.

Ignore some of these posters. They've never lived in another country. The problem is...would you want your kids to go see him for the entire summer. Especially if he is irresponsible.
And having to take long flights. You're probably better off staying nearby, and taking the kids in the summer to travel etc. If he doesn't like babysitting then you'll have them 90% of the time anyways.