Job offer overseas vs 50% child custody

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi all,
This is OP. I was surprised to see so many more replies. Some even sound like it was me who replied.
Some clarifications - this was indeed a hypothetical question; our marriage is falling apart, so I’m researching this question.
This discussion was helpful - thanks for your diverse perspectives and sharing your experiences or what you know.
Kids are in elementary and overseas exposure is an opportunity to pick up at least one foreign language and travel around and expand outlook.
DH makes me feel we are a burden… he does some pickups and drop offs but generally, we are not a source of his happiness and joy. I could not make him happy… to me he is still a bachelor mentality who tries to fit in and look like a father but he can’t… it’s just not his thing… my heart hurts for my kids…

I’m not sure what is going to happen but I will try to talk and get his agreement for more custody on my end - we are yet to have mediator appointment and hammer out in house separation agreement … get his ok in writing maybe that he does not object that I leave with kids in case of a job offer.

You know, after so much verbal abuse and neglect, I do not think staying married is an option. “You better be alone rather than with whoever.”

This person blamed me that I spent too much money on my father’s funeral overseas because I flew out for the funeral. This person has no heart.

If you want a divorce, get one. You can get an apartment/house nearby and share custody. That is in the kids best interests. But, you don't need to move to the other side of the world as an excuse. If you want to go, go. But, clearly Dad is involved and has a relationship with the kids and you will hurt your kids by severing that relationship.

There is zero reason your kids cannot learn a foreign language living here. There is zero reason you cannot travel living here. Those excuses don't TRUMP losing a relationship with their Dad.

How do you think your kids will feel moving to a foreign country where they don't speak the language? Are you going to pay for an American school? What would your custody agreement be? Would you give Dad all summer (then how would you travel)? Holidays? Who pays for the plane tickets? Who flies back and forth with the kids?

We don't know your full situation but maybe you couldn't afford the trip and maybe your finances are an issue? Maybe you could work on your finances or address the issues in your marriage. It takes two to fix a marriage. If you don't want to, leave. If you want to fix the marriage, you have to be part of the solution. He sounds like he tries and you minimize what he does do.

It’s not clear dad is involved in anything.
It doesn’t sound like he tries anything.
Where are you getting these cliches from? She actually said he does very little and is verbally abusive to her and negligent to all of them. And tries to live like a bachelor.

We don't know anything about some strangers posting. Of course she's going to say she's perfect and he's the entire problem. If he is doing school pick ups and other stuff he is not living like a bachelor. You are just taking minimal information and making inferences.

It is fine for OP to leave and get divorced but there is zero reason for her to move out of the country and is looking to deliberately cut dad out fo the kids lives.

He’s doing 3pm or 4pm school pick ups in your imaginary world!?

Yeah right. Keep dreaming Pp. I guess he can always show up in court and lie about how he spends his time. But why? Image, status symbol, ego, revenge?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can go to court and fight for full custody but that would be pretty terrible for him and the kids. Or, just leave the kids with him and take the job. You can have visits on holidays and summers.

Sounds like I have to persuade him to let me go…

You mean and take the kids with you?

I mean, speaking as a father, my answer to you would be I support you going and will work with you to give you as much opportunity to see the children as possible, but I would go to the mat in court to prevent you from taking my kids with you. Your choices are to not take the job and remain close to the kids or take the jobs and see the kids sometimes. Those are quite literally the only two choices. The other one where you take your children with you? It's not happening. And that IS a hill I would die on.

And WHY would you do that?

Why is that in the best interest of the children?

Because after a divorce the children need stability, not to be dragged to another country. They also need their fathers as much as their mothers.

If a dad said has divorcing and wanted to take the kids with him to live in another country and see mom a couple of times a year, how would you respond?

It is almost as if you think kids need mom more than dad or something. Even if mom wants to drag them to another country to work what is likely a demanding job, leaving them in the care of foreign teachers and nannies. How is THAT good for the children?

Why do you say they need their fathers?

Especially if their fathers never did much child raising nor want to?

Why? Where is the data or study that makes such a blanket statement that abusive, negligent, careless, ill, or mentally disordered people get solo unsupervised custody time with a child?
That doesn’t sound best for the child.
That is some generic Parents Rights BS trumping what is actually best for a child and care of the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Basically, OP just wants to go back to her home country. Take her kids with her find a man from her culture he can pretend is the dad and act like her American husband never existed.

She's a woman so DCUM will automatically take her side no matter how sick she is. Fortunately, the courts don't go along for this, and pathetic excuses like he doesn't pick the kids up from school enough or sacrifice enough for my liking don't permit a parent to move away with the children and alienate the other parent.

Try it OP, the court system will not fall for your crocodile tears and you may even end up with less than 50% custody for your BS.

You want a divorce go ahead and get one, get yourself a little apartment or house, and travel with a job, but forget about running away back home and pretending your American life never existed.

OP, it appears you not Foreign Service or military needing to take an assignment overseas, but either a U.S. permanent resident or naturalized citizen with dual citizenship in another country. Am I correct? Speaking as a father, I would be concerned about the potential for international child abduction. If your home country is not a signatory to the International Convention on Child Abduction, I would be extremely reluctant to let you take the children out of the country. And I would be discussing this with my lawyer.

[Anonymous]

100 percent this. You go Dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Basically, OP just wants to go back to her home country. Take her kids with her find a man from her culture he can pretend is the dad and act like her American husband never existed.

She's a woman so DCUM will automatically take her side no matter how sick she is. Fortunately, the courts don't go along for this, and pathetic excuses like he doesn't pick the kids up from school enough or sacrifice enough for my liking don't permit a parent to move away with the children and alienate the other parent.

Try it OP, the court system will not fall for your crocodile tears and you may even end up with less than 50% custody for your BS.

You want a divorce go ahead and get one, get yourself a little apartment or house, and travel with a job, but forget about running away back home and pretending your American life never existed.

OP, it appears you not Foreign Service or military needing to take an assignment overseas, but either a U.S. permanent resident or naturalized citizen with dual citizenship in another country. Am I correct? Speaking as a father, I would be concerned about the potential for international child abduction. If your home country is not a signatory to the International Convention on Child Abduction, I would be extremely reluctant to let you take the children out of the country. And I would be discussing this with my lawyer.

You should go before you get divorced and he has a lawyer, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can go to court and fight for full custody but that would be pretty terrible for him and the kids. Or, just leave the kids with him and take the job. You can have visits on holidays and summers.

Sounds like I have to persuade him to let me go…

You mean and take the kids with you?

I mean, speaking as a father, my answer to you would be I support you going and will work with you to give you as much opportunity to see the children as possible, but I would go to the mat in court to prevent you from taking my kids with you. Your choices are to not take the job and remain close to the kids or take the jobs and see the kids sometimes. Those are quite literally the only two choices. The other one where you take your children with you? It's not happening. And that IS a hill I would die on.

It doesn't sound like op cares to be a father. Why are you taking it so personally?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can go to court and fight for full custody but that would be pretty terrible for him and the kids. Or, just leave the kids with him and take the job. You can have visits on holidays and summers.

Sounds like I have to persuade him to let me go…

You mean and take the kids with you?

I mean, speaking as a father, my answer to you would be I support you going and will work with you to give you as much opportunity to see the children as possible, but I would go to the mat in court to prevent you from taking my kids with you. Your choices are to not take the job and remain close to the kids or take the jobs and see the kids sometimes. Those are quite literally the only two choices. The other one where you take your children with you? It's not happening. And that IS a hill I would die on.

And WHY would you do that?

Why is that in the best interest of the children?

Because after a divorce the children need stability, not to be dragged to another country. They also need their fathers as much as their mothers.

If a dad said has divorcing and wanted to take the kids with him to live in another country and see mom a couple of times a year, how would you respond?

It is almost as if you think kids need mom more than dad or something. Even if mom wants to drag them to another country to work what is likely a demanding job, leaving them in the care of foreign teachers and nannies. How is THAT good for the children?

Why do you say they need their fathers?

Especially if their fathers never did much child raising nor want to?

Why? Where is the data or study that makes such a blanket statement that abusive, negligent, careless, ill, or mentally disordered people get solo unsupervised custody time with a child?
That doesn’t sound best for the child.
That is some generic Parents Rights BS trumping what is actually best for a child and care of the child.

Many studies and data show kids need their fathers. This father isn't abusive. OP is unhappy in her marriage.

Its sad how fathers are dismissed in this culture. They are only good for one.

This father is involved with his kids.

Google kids need fathers and lots of studies and information.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi all,
This is OP. I was surprised to see so many more replies. Some even sound like it was me who replied.
Some clarifications - this was indeed a hypothetical question; our marriage is falling apart, so I’m researching this question.
This discussion was helpful - thanks for your diverse perspectives and sharing your experiences or what you know.
Kids are in elementary and overseas exposure is an opportunity to pick up at least one foreign language and travel around and expand outlook.
DH makes me feel we are a burden… he does some pickups and drop offs but generally, we are not a source of his happiness and joy. I could not make him happy… to me he is still a bachelor mentality who tries to fit in and look like a father but he can’t… it’s just not his thing… my heart hurts for my kids…

I’m not sure what is going to happen but I will try to talk and get his agreement for more custody on my end - we are yet to have mediator appointment and hammer out in house separation agreement … get his ok in writing maybe that he does not object that I leave with kids in case of a job offer.

You know, after so much verbal abuse and neglect, I do not think staying married is an option. “You better be alone rather than with whoever.”

This person blamed me that I spent too much money on my father’s funeral overseas because I flew out for the funeral. This person has no heart.

If you want a divorce, get one. You can get an apartment/house nearby and share custody. That is in the kids best interests. But, you don't need to move to the other side of the world as an excuse. If you want to go, go. But, clearly Dad is involved and has a relationship with the kids and you will hurt your kids by severing that relationship.

There is zero reason your kids cannot learn a foreign language living here. There is zero reason you cannot travel living here. Those excuses don't TRUMP losing a relationship with their Dad.

How do you think your kids will feel moving to a foreign country where they don't speak the language? Are you going to pay for an American school? What would your custody agreement be? Would you give Dad all summer (then how would you travel)? Holidays? Who pays for the plane tickets? Who flies back and forth with the kids?

We don't know your full situation but maybe you couldn't afford the trip and maybe your finances are an issue? Maybe you could work on your finances or address the issues in your marriage. It takes two to fix a marriage. If you don't want to, leave. If you want to fix the marriage, you have to be part of the solution. He sounds like he tries and you minimize what he does do.

It’s not clear dad is involved in anything.
It doesn’t sound like he tries anything.
Where are you getting these cliches from? She actually said he does very little and is verbally abusive to her and negligent to all of them. And tries to live like a bachelor.

We don't know anything about some strangers posting. Of course she's going to say she's perfect and he's the entire problem. If he is doing school pick ups and other stuff he is not living like a bachelor. You are just taking minimal information and making inferences.

It is fine for OP to leave and get divorced but there is zero reason for her to move out of the country and is looking to deliberately cut dad out fo the kids lives.

He’s doing 3pm or 4pm school pick ups in your imaginary world!?

Yeah right. Keep dreaming Pp. I guess he can always show up in court and lie about how he spends his time. But why? Image, status symbol, ego, revenge?

Many mom's and dad's don't do school pick up because they are working. Kids go to aftercare.

Simple. Is a mom a bad mom if they cannot pick their child up at 3PM at school because she is working?

[Anonymous]

My ex took a travel job after our divorce. The schedule was 10 days home, 5 weeks gone. It was really hard on the kids (also happened as covid started, online schooling while I was working full time, etc). I asked him not to take the job offer, but he did against my wishes. He did that for a year, was home for 6 months, and then called to active duty for a deployment for 11 months (which we are still enduring). He hasn't called our young kids since Thanksgiving.

Anyway, please don't take an overseas job. It will be very hard on your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Basically, OP just wants to go back to her home country. Take her kids with her find a man from her culture he can pretend is the dad and act like her American husband never existed.

She's a woman so DCUM will automatically take her side no matter how sick she is. Fortunately, the courts don't go along for this, and pathetic excuses like he doesn't pick the kids up from school enough or sacrifice enough for my liking don't permit a parent to move away with the children and alienate the other parent.

Try it OP, the court system will not fall for your crocodile tears and you may even end up with less than 50% custody for your BS.

You want a divorce go ahead and get one, get yourself a little apartment or house, and travel with a job, but forget about running away back home and pretending your American life never existed.

Hi, this is op. I was hoping the discussion is closed but somehow it has gotten intense.
Why are you guys fighting? Could we calm down?
So, listen, as I explained, this guy is in his own world. He plans his own fun events and trips while I plan all family stuff. This has been going on for years… If I approach him to plan together, he just tells me to do as I wish. He does not invite us to his fun trips and his spends as he wishes - fancy hotels and happy hours. His own world includes all kinds of hobbies that make him happy - baseball cards, comicons, ultra-running, biking, weekend getaways for races… I would divorce him np as an at fault for emotional neglect and financial disasters he put the family in and I had to bail him, but my kids love him. He does some stuff around the house - like take the trash out - but when he does it you can see on his face he is deeply unhappy. The rest of the house is ignored; repair needs ignored… The love is dead as he is either at work or away with friends unless I kind of interrupt that pattern by family event like kid’s birthday or music event… I try hard to be a family but it’s fake - he does not like it… it’s like he is jealous of his own kids… As for the kids, he is kind of like a 10% father… he won’t take the kids to his sporty races because he needs lone time all the time… but he does do pickups and driving to extracurriculars b/c thanks to his unilateral decision on the house purchase, my commute is horrible and I can’t take them to those fun extracurriculars. Because he DOES something, I am going to go uncontested way about this divorce. I genuinely want him happy, but at last I want me happy also. I’m not afraid any more because you get so fed up that you don’t care any more about anything. This resolution came to me with a lot of reflection about what the meaning of limited-time-to-live is. My both parents died within a year. Yeah - this a lot to bear but I’m fine.
This discussion was helpful. I knew 0 about custody - now have some idea. All inputs were helpful - I like to consider things deeply. Of course I will be talking to mediator and a lawyer too eventually. I want the job overseas — not own country — as it is better financially and travel experiences-wise. If the kids freak out completely, it’s easy — I just stay put… I will make 1/3 of my potential but it’s ok. My kids know people move overseas sometimes as our good friends moved (state dept) so I thought this example kind of could help to explain things to them.
I am just talking too much now…
What I wanted to say is that after ten years of marriage I just wanted to take care of myself and put my halted career back on track a little bit. Because of DH uncooperation, I turned down and quit great opportunities including overseas and am now maneuvering gig economy.
I don’t even know yet what am I gonna do about health insurance now that I put myself in this position so that family life was more balanced.

I LOVE this country - this is where I gained education and had kids. I will only cherish good memories of DH when we met; then we drifted apart for whatever reason - it’s irrelevant even as I think I evolved into a mother but he really tried to evolve but could not make it…

There is no other country like this. But this discussion is about family relationships - not political. Would you want live in the home where you are not loved and you also feel sorry for the kids as their dad is mia unless mom drags him into some family activity… he did not plan a single birthday or wanted to be involved… sorry I keep complaining - I guess this is my therapy session.

Most importantly, I want to thank everyone for taking the time and sharing your views and also thanks for wishing me the best. It’s mutual - I wish you the best too and happy holidays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry you are going through such a difficult time, OP. I hope you find a solution that works for all.

You are so nice. Thanks so much. Kindness will save the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Basically, OP just wants to go back to her home country. Take her kids with her find a man from her culture he can pretend is the dad and act like her American husband never existed.

She's a woman so DCUM will automatically take her side no matter how sick she is. Fortunately, the courts don't go along for this, and pathetic excuses like he doesn't pick the kids up from school enough or sacrifice enough for my liking don't permit a parent to move away with the children and alienate the other parent.

Try it OP, the court system will not fall for your crocodile tears and you may even end up with less than 50% custody for your BS.

You want a divorce go ahead and get one, get yourself a little apartment or house, and travel with a job, but forget about running away back home and pretending your American life never existed.

Hi, this is op. I was hoping the discussion is closed but somehow it has gotten intense.
Why are you guys fighting? Could we calm down?
So, listen, as I explained, this guy is in his own world. He plans his own fun events and trips while I plan all family stuff. This has been going on for years… If I approach him to plan together, he just tells me to do as I wish. He does not invite us to his fun trips and his spends as he wishes - fancy hotels and happy hours. His own world includes all kinds of hobbies that make him happy - baseball cards, comicons, ultra-running, biking, weekend getaways for races… I would divorce him np as an at fault for emotional neglect and financial disasters he put the family in and I had to bail him, but my kids love him. He does some stuff around the house - like take the trash out - but when he does it you can see on his face he is deeply unhappy. The rest of the house is ignored; repair needs ignored… The love is dead as he is either at work or away with friends unless I kind of interrupt that pattern by family event like kid’s birthday or music event… I try hard to be a family but it’s fake - he does not like it… it’s like he is jealous of his own kids… As for the kids, he is kind of like a 10% father… he won’t take the kids to his sporty races because he needs lone time all the time… but he does do pickups and driving to extracurriculars b/c thanks to his unilateral decision on the house purchase, my commute is horrible and I can’t take them to those fun extracurriculars. Because he DOES something, I am going to go uncontested way about this divorce. I genuinely want him happy, but at last I want me happy also. I’m not afraid any more because you get so fed up that you don’t care any more about anything. This resolution came to me with a lot of reflection about what the meaning of limited-time-to-live is. My both parents died within a year. Yeah - this a lot to bear but I’m fine.
This discussion was helpful. I knew 0 about custody - now have some idea. All inputs were helpful - I like to consider things deeply. Of course I will be talking to mediator and a lawyer too eventually. I want the job overseas — not own country — as it is better financially and travel experiences-wise. If the kids freak out completely, it’s easy — I just stay put… I will make 1/3 of my potential but it’s ok. My kids know people move overseas sometimes as our good friends moved (state dept) so I thought this example kind of could help to explain things to them.
I am just talking too much now…
What I wanted to say is that after ten years of marriage I just wanted to take care of myself and put my halted career back on track a little bit. Because of DH uncooperation, I turned down and quit great opportunities including overseas and am now maneuvering gig economy.
I don’t even know yet what am I gonna do about health insurance now that I put myself in this position so that family life was more balanced.

I LOVE this country - this is where I gained education and had kids. I will only cherish good memories of DH when we met; then we drifted apart for whatever reason - it’s irrelevant even as I think I evolved into a mother but he really tried to evolve but could not make it…

There is no other country like this. But this discussion is about family relationships - not political. Would you want live in the home where you are not loved and you also feel sorry for the kids as their dad is mia unless mom drags him into some family activity… he did not plan a single birthday or wanted to be involved… sorry I keep complaining - I guess this is my therapy session.

Most importantly, I want to thank everyone for taking the time and sharing your views and also thanks for wishing me the best. It’s mutual - I wish you the best too and happy holidays.

Read your post. If he does all the activities and other stuff, when does he have time on top of working for house repairs. You don't do them either. And, if you divorce and take the kids from Dad, how will you take them to activities when you don't take them now.

You are being absurd. Often things are divided in families. He does some stuff, you do other stuff. It sounds like you are as much a problem as he is and will have a lot of trouble being divorced with full custody and not having his help.

You don't need to go overseas to divorce and are just being cruel.

You need to figure this out. How you are going to live on far less income. How you are going to 100% manage the kids without his help. How you are going to do all the house repairs, etc. If you cannot handle it where he is helping and its not enough, how will you do it alone?

All you care abotu is yourself. You don't care at all about the kids. As mom's, we make sacrifices including where we live, our jobs and much more. If you dragged your husband overseas for a job, could he get an equal job to what he has now. There is clearly more to this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex took a travel job after our divorce. The schedule was 10 days home, 5 weeks gone. It was really hard on the kids (also happened as covid started, online schooling while I was working full time, etc). I asked him not to take the job offer, but he did against my wishes. He did that for a year, was home for 6 months, and then called to active duty for a deployment for 11 months (which we are still enduring). He hasn't called our young kids since Thanksgiving.

Anyway, please don't take an overseas job. It will be very hard on your kids.

Is he not in a position to call? Some jobs don't allow regular contact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can go to court and fight for full custody but that would be pretty terrible for him and the kids. Or, just leave the kids with him and take the job. You can have visits on holidays and summers.

Sounds like I have to persuade him to let me go…

You mean and take the kids with you?

I mean, speaking as a father, my answer to you would be I support you going and will work with you to give you as much opportunity to see the children as possible, but I would go to the mat in court to prevent you from taking my kids with you. Your choices are to not take the job and remain close to the kids or take the jobs and see the kids sometimes. Those are quite literally the only two choices. The other one where you take your children with you? It's not happening. And that IS a hill I would die on.

And WHY would you do that?

Why is that in the best interest of the children?

Because after a divorce the children need stability, not to be dragged to another country. They also need their fathers as much as their mothers.

If a dad said has divorcing and wanted to take the kids with him to live in another country and see mom a couple of times a year, how would you respond?

It is almost as if you think kids need mom more than dad or something. Even if mom wants to drag them to another country to work what is likely a demanding job, leaving them in the care of foreign teachers and nannies. How is THAT good for the children?

Why do you say they need their fathers?

Especially if their fathers never did much child raising nor want to?

Why? Where is the data or study that makes such a blanket statement that abusive, negligent, careless, ill, or mentally disordered people get solo unsupervised custody time with a child?
That doesn’t sound best for the child.
That is some generic Parents Rights BS trumping what is actually best for a child and care of the child.

Many studies and data show kids need their fathers. This father isn't abusive. OP is unhappy in her marriage.

Its sad how fathers are dismissed in this culture. They are only good for one.

This father is involved with his kids.

Google kids need fathers and lots of studies and information.

The studies don’t say that actually. They say they need a living home and care and all their needs taken care of and two family homes do that better. Shuffling from one healthy parent half the time and one unhealthy parent half the time or even 20% of the time doesnt serve the children well at all.

The reality of U.S. family courts is that Parental Authority Carrie’s greater weight than the welfare of the child.

[Anonymous]

* two parent homes