Job offer overseas vs 50% child custody

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all the replies - they came so quick!
Appreciate it.
Many times he said he did not care if i left with kids and went after overseas career but I am a bit nervous he may back out once things get real.
Thanks for helping me learn about how this works. Don’t know - somehow I like it here more than googling.

Are you divorced already? If not, just go and take the kids if you haven’t filed a petition. Much easier when you aren’t divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Grateful if someone has an answer to the following.
Suppose I’m divorced with 50% custody of children.
Does that mean I’m forever tied to the location job-wise where my husband is also located?
That is, I can’t accept overseas job offers as that would effectively prevent his 50% custody?

Neither of you can move. Unless you are willing to give up a lot of custody, or the way it is scheduled is drastically rearranged (which also sucks for the kids). It has to do with where the children's lives are based and how established they are at this point in their community and location. How old are your kids? I'm assuming they are not babies/toddlers and they are in school? Would they want to be uprooted to go live overseas? I'm assuming no.

Having a judge approve a relocation that includes taking the kids with you in a divorce/split custody situation is not common. The bar is very high to prove how/why that would be beneficial to the children. You also have to show that you absolutely cannot find other suitable employment where you currently live.

You can accept overseas job offers without ramifications when your children are grown and living on their own.

No, you do not have to prove there’s no suitable employment offers in the present locale. What the heck….

You talk it out and paper it up Op. mature adults can do that . If he wants to be controlling and a jerk he will be. If he thinks he’s a fantastic care giver, teacher, coach and parent, he’ll have tons of examples and pitch for more custody. Or you can.

You can go to custody court any time and as many times as you wish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We hired a senior level guy that never brought up his divorce or kids until he had the offer. He then brought it up as if the kids were juniors in Hs and this was all temporary..
Anyhow.
This was before Covid and he had his wife keep the kids since they actually had 6-8 more years of schooling to graduate and flew back and forth 5 hours once or twice a month to spend weekend time plus some vacations.
I assume he must like remote working since he can see them more easily now. He always brought a different online date to the company or coworker parties. Prob had bicoastal girlfriends too.

Why are you implying he should have brought up his family situation before the offer?

No one has to.

But we all know that when he finally did he lied about his kids ages, and the reality of it is they redid the custody agreement to the ex wife and he relocated.

So OP can pitch it to her Ex as she’s so all the hard work and childcare plus make more money for the kiddos.

I am not sure I follow. I don’t think the senior guy owed you any info…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You could take the job, but presumably you'd need to leave the kids behind.

I can't imagine doing that as a parent, but other people feel differently.

Oh no - I’m not leaving them behind.

Then you don’t go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all the replies - they came so quick!
Appreciate it.
Many times he said he did not care if i left with kids and went after overseas career but I am a bit nervous he may back out once things get real.
Thanks for helping me learn about how this works. Don’t know - somehow I like it here more than googling.

Are you divorced already? If not, just go and take the kids if you haven’t filed a petition. Much easier when you aren’t divorced.

I feel sorry for your kids.

[Anonymous]

Op, It sounds like your ex doesn't actually want 50/50. You going and taking the kids might help him save face. Make sure the company offers cushy benefits for the kids. It is a great opportunity!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all the replies - they came so quick!
Appreciate it.
Many times he said he did not care if i left with kids and went after overseas career but I am a bit nervous he may back out once things get real.
Thanks for helping me learn about how this works. Don’t know - somehow I like it here more than googling.

but how do your kids feel about this? their opinion is just as important as his.

They hate the idea…
But I was hoping to talk them into it or bribe them… I mean - no kid likes a change. This would be academically good for them…

if they hate the idea you should really reconsider what you are doing, academics aren't everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all the replies - they came so quick!
Appreciate it.
Many times he said he did not care if i left with kids and went after overseas career but I am a bit nervous he may back out once things get real.
Thanks for helping me learn about how this works. Don’t know - somehow I like it here more than googling.

but how do your kids feel about this? their opinion is just as important as his.

They hate the idea…
But I was hoping to talk them into it or bribe them… I mean - no kid likes a change. This would be academically good for them…

Going to a foreign country would be very hard academically and they’d lose their father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all the replies - they came so quick!
Appreciate it.
Many times he said he did not care if i left with kids and went after overseas career but I am a bit nervous he may back out once things get real.
Thanks for helping me learn about how this works. Don’t know - somehow I like it here more than googling.

Are you divorced already? If not, just go and take the kids if you haven’t filed a petition. Much easier when you aren’t divorced.

I feel sorry for your kids.

Well I am divorced and not moving, so I don’t see why

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We hired a senior level guy that never brought up his divorce or kids until he had the offer. He then brought it up as if the kids were juniors in Hs and this was all temporary..
Anyhow.
This was before Covid and he had his wife keep the kids since they actually had 6-8 more years of schooling to graduate and flew back and forth 5 hours once or twice a month to spend weekend time plus some vacations.
I assume he must like remote working since he can see them more easily now. He always brought a different online date to the company or coworker parties. Prob had bicoastal girlfriends too.

Why are you implying he should have brought up his family situation before the offer?

No one has to.

But we all know that when he finally did he lied about his kids ages, and the reality of it is they redid the custody agreement to the ex wife and he relocated.

So OP can pitch it to her Ex as she’s so all the hard work and childcare plus make more money for the kiddos.

I’m not tracking this at all. Nobody is required to disclose family information during the interview process, and it is highly illegal to ask or discriminate due to children. If you chose not to hire him because he was divorced with kids, you would have been in legal trouble. These sorts of practices are what keep women out of the workforce, either companies won’t hire them because they have children, or they won’t hire fathers unless there is a SAHM to handle the kids so it doesn’t interfere with dad being on call 24/7.

If I were you, I’d reconsider working for a company with such a lack of ethics.

[Anonymous]

If you had this problem, what was the resolution?
Talk your spouse into letting you pursue your career somehow?
My DH was not that much into being family mane anyway… so I am hoping he won’t mind if we agree on visit-travel schedules several times a year…

How is this even a question?! Your kids need to come first. Whether or not ex cares about seeing them, it would be crappy of you to make it harder for that to happen. Your kids deserve a relationship with their dad. If your job isn’t to facilitate that (and with a dad who at least shows up regularly, I think it is), it’s definitely to make sure you don’t get in the way of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Grateful if someone has an answer to the following.
Suppose I’m divorced with 50% custody of children.
Does that mean I’m forever tied to the location job-wise where my husband is also located?
That is, I can’t accept overseas job offers as that would effectively prevent his 50% custody?

Neither of you can move. Unless you are willing to give up a lot of custody, or the way it is scheduled is drastically rearranged (which also sucks for the kids). It has to do with where the children's lives are based and how established they are at this point in their community and location. How old are your kids? I'm assuming they are not babies/toddlers and they are in school? Would they want to be uprooted to go live overseas? I'm assuming no.

Having a judge approve a relocation that includes taking the kids with you in a divorce/split custody situation is not common. The bar is very high to prove how/why that would be beneficial to the children. You also have to show that you absolutely cannot find other suitable employment where you currently live.

You can accept overseas job offers without ramifications when your children are grown and living on their own.

No, you do not have to prove there’s no suitable employment offers in the present locale. What the heck….

You talk it out and paper it up Op. mature adults can do that . If he wants to be controlling and a jerk he will be. If he thinks he’s a fantastic care giver, teacher, coach and parent, he’ll have tons of examples and pitch for more custody. Or you can.

You can go to custody court any time and as many times as you wish.

The way you write, you sound and are clueless.

Yes, you have to prove to the court that you have many compelling reasons to move AND take the kids with you. It is virtually impossible to accomplish. If there is a current custody order, which it sounds like there is, this is a matter that will have to be addressed in court. It is rare that the other parent will agree to this type of major issue out of court and agree to amend the custody order to facilitate that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We hired a senior level guy that never brought up his divorce or kids until he had the offer. He then brought it up as if the kids were juniors in Hs and this was all temporary..
Anyhow.
This was before Covid and he had his wife keep the kids since they actually had 6-8 more years of schooling to graduate and flew back and forth 5 hours once or twice a month to spend weekend time plus some vacations.
I assume he must like remote working since he can see them more easily now. He always brought a different online date to the company or coworker parties. Prob had bicoastal girlfriends too.

Why are you implying he should have brought up his family situation before the offer?

No one has to.

But we all know that when he finally did he lied about his kids ages, and the reality of it is they redid the custody agreement to the ex wife and he relocated.

So OP can pitch it to her Ex as she’s so all the hard work and childcare plus make more money for the kiddos.

I’m not tracking this at all. Nobody is required to disclose family information during the interview process, and it is highly illegal to ask or discriminate due to children. If you chose not to hire him because he was divorced with kids, you would have been in legal trouble. These sorts of practices are what keep women out of the workforce, either companies won’t hire them because they have children, or they won’t hire fathers unless there is a SAHM to handle the kids so it doesn’t interfere with dad being on call 24/7.

If I were you, I’d reconsider working for a company with such a lack of ethics.

I am also interested in the chat subplot. Was this a non-profit also? The guy doesn't sound like a great dad or ex husband, but can the PP please explain more why he should have shared this family information before he was hired (or even after)? How would he have even done so- interviewers shouldn't be asking questions that intentionally open this up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all the replies - they came so quick!
Appreciate it.
Many times he said he did not care if i left with kids and went after overseas career but I am a bit nervous he may back out once things get real.
Thanks for helping me learn about how this works. Don’t know - somehow I like it here more than googling.

Are you divorced already? If not, just go and take the kids if you haven’t filed a petition. Much easier when you aren’t divorced.

Talk it over and since he likes your overseas assignments mutually agree to go and take the kids and he can come later like in a year or two. He may live his freedoms and zero responsibilities for others and sign anything at that point. Then Disney dad it with trips or visits when super convenient for himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We hired a senior level guy that never brought up his divorce or kids until he had the offer. He then brought it up as if the kids were juniors in Hs and this was all temporary..
Anyhow.
This was before Covid and he had his wife keep the kids since they actually had 6-8 more years of schooling to graduate and flew back and forth 5 hours once or twice a month to spend weekend time plus some vacations.
I assume he must like remote working since he can see them more easily now. He always brought a different online date to the company or coworker parties. Prob had bicoastal girlfriends too.

Why are you implying he should have brought up his family situation before the offer?

No one has to.

But we all know that when he finally did he lied about his kids ages, and the reality of it is they redid the custody agreement to the ex wife and he relocated.

So OP can pitch it to her Ex as she’s so all the hard work and childcare plus make more money for the kiddos.

I am not sure I follow. I don’t think the senior guy owed you any info…

NP. who cares. Happens all the time.