If you're a family who expects your kids to eat what's put in front of them, do you make exceptions?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. They've always eaten what we make/give them. Never had any food issues. I don't expect them to sample one of everything over holidays. They eat, and stop once they're full.

My question is whether you're choosing what they eat at the holidays, or you're making an exception and allowing them to choose.

I'm asking because I have a family member who believes this -- that kids should eat what's put in front of them, which I understand in her home, but she's not an adventurous cook, so he kids are used to food being familiar. As we plan Christmas dinner, she keeps objecting to foods because she thinks her kids won't like it and she feels like it's mean to expect them to have to eat food they don't like at Christmas.

I'm trying to find a middle ground between unhappy kids, and the rest of us not having to eat foods that are "little kid friendly".

At a huge meal, you're not going to be able to please everybody, so you have 2 or 3 dishes that you know the kids will eat, and go to town with everything else. I don't understand why you couldn't come up with this simple solution on your own.

[not OP]

I don't understand how you can still think this is a simple solution to the actual problem that OP faces. Did you just skip reading the thread?

What a b1tch you are. I was not expecting the OP to be thread sitting and replying to every single post with new information (the most annoying kind of OP, btw), so I replied after page 2, but now that I've been through the whole thing, I still think this is the solution and OP's sister needs to deal with it.

Hey, I didn't call you names.

Turns out you don't read threads before replying. Okay, cool. Guess that's working out for you.

Try not to be so defensive. It's as important as not being presumptuous about dictating others' meals at the holidays.

[Anonymous]

This situation finally makes sense to me with your 11:49 update, OP. The following part really stood out:

“I think one dynamic is that she is pretty competitive and it bothers her that my kids eat "better"* than hers. Like, it's embarrassing to her when her kids are fussing about how they don't want something, and my kids are happily eating the same thing. So, she'd like to avoid that situation. My solution to that problem would be to tell the kids that they can say no thank you, but they need to do it politely without fussing. Her solution would be to not serve foods that her kids won't eat, so my kids won't be able to "show off".”

I’m assuming this is your sister you are talking about, and she’s seeking to avoid judgment from your parents and the extended family. The reality is that most families do judge picky eaters and many blame the parents to some extent. So her concern is reasonable, but her approach for avoiding this judgment is absolutely controlling, bizarre, and inappropriate. She needs to learn how to find a way to be happy in life without “winning” the parenting wars. There is not one single accommodation you need to make in this situation. If she has any sense at all, she’ll just load up her kids’ plates with whatever of the offerings they like and hope no one notices. If great Aunt Sally comments that she noticed your sister’s kids have not eaten the larks tongues in aspic (or whatever) and you are feeling charitable, you can help steer the conversation toward a less loaded subject.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP here,

I think there are two things behind her thinking. One is that she is concerned that her kids eat the "right" nutrition in the "right" proportions. So plating their food and making them eat it ensures that she knows that they ate a vegetable, or a protein, or whatever is important to her.

The other is, I think, that she has the idea that if her kids know that eating what's in front of them isn't negotiable, then she can gradually increase what they eat by adding foods.

But she's got a lot on her plate, and she gets to the end of the day, and she's tired so she makes something that meets her nutritional criteria that's easy and fast and she knows they'll eat. She's making healthy meals, just not a great variety.

How well is it working? Well, that's hard to say.

I think she feels that her kids are naturally very picky, and that the fact that they eat a greater variety of healthy foods than most "picky eaters" is a win.

I think it's also possible that if exposed to more foods, or allowed more choice, they'd eat even more variety. I feed my kids differently, and my kids eat a greater variety of foods than hers do. But that could be because I happen to have unpicky kids. I'm certainly not going to tell her that I think that if she fed her kids like mine they'd eat like mine, because I have no idea if that's true.

I think one dynamic is that she is pretty competitive and it bothers her that my kids eat "better"* than hers. Like, it's embarrassing to her when her kids are fussing about how they don't want something, and my kids are happily eating the same thing. So, she'd like to avoid that situation. My solution to that problem would be to tell the kids that they can say no thank you, but they need to do it politely without fussing. Her solution would be to not serve foods that her kids won't eat, so my kids won't be able to "show off".

*note: I'm using words like better and picky eater and little kid friendly food because that's what she uses, and I'm trying to explain her thinking. I wouldn't use those words to describe my own kids' eating.

I'm another PP who is simply fascinated by this thread...and, wow, there is so much going on from what you've communicated in this post. It actually makes me have a little more compassion for your relative, though I still think her ask is bonkers and rude and wouldn't indulge it.

Not that it matters, since this isn't really about changing your relative's approach to feeding her kids, but I was an insanely picky eater as a kid. I'm in my 40s now, and our family and family friends still make jokes at large gatherings about how they remember my only eating rice and plain yogurt (I'm Indian-American) and are surprised I'm eating vegetables and chicken or whatever. I don't think my parents were perfect in how they handled it, but my mom basically took the "find something to eat from among what's offered" approach (and the availability of rice is a very safe bet at an Indian party). I'm not at all a picky eater nowadays, and I've had random people walk up to me at restaurants to remark how impressed they are by the variety of foods my kids will eat. I actually think if my forced me to eat stuff I didn't like, I'd still have aversions to it. Kids' palettes are weird. I'm a huge fan of modeling and serving a healthy variety of foods, but forcing people to eat stuff they hate will almost always backfire.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. They've always eaten what we make/give them. Never had any food issues. I don't expect them to sample one of everything over holidays. They eat, and stop once they're full.

My question is whether you're choosing what they eat at the holidays, or you're making an exception and allowing them to choose.

I'm asking because I have a family member who believes this -- that kids should eat what's put in front of them, which I understand in her home, but she's not an adventurous cook, so he kids are used to food being familiar. As we plan Christmas dinner, she keeps objecting to foods because she thinks her kids won't like it and she feels like it's mean to expect them to have to eat food they don't like at Christmas.

I'm trying to find a middle ground between unhappy kids, and the rest of us not having to eat foods that are "little kid friendly".

At a huge meal, you're not going to be able to please everybody, so you have 2 or 3 dishes that you know the kids will eat, and go to town with everything else. I don't understand why you couldn't come up with this simple solution on your own.

[not OP]

I don't understand how you can still think this is a simple solution to the actual problem that OP faces. Did you just skip reading the thread?

What a b1tch you are. I was not expecting the OP to be thread sitting and replying to every single post with new information (the most annoying kind of OP, btw), so I replied after page 2, but now that I've been through the whole thing, I still think this is the solution and OP's sister needs to deal with it.

DP. This is one of the weirder posts I’ve seen on DCUM. Since you seem to have wandered in from the Upside Down, let me help you understand two very simple concepts:

(1) OPs who frequently check into the threads they start to supply additional information requested by posters are the very best kind of OP, because they advance the discussion so others can better provide thoughtful commentary.
(2) People who comment on a thread without reading the prior posts are the most annoying kinds of poster, because they cover old ground and virtually always make worthless posts that hinder the discussion.

[Anonymous]

No idea if this would work for your family but perhaps having the meal buffet style with a separate childrens' table? Seems less likely that the adults will notice what the kids are eating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This situation finally makes sense to me with your 11:49 update, OP. The following part really stood out:

“I think one dynamic is that she is pretty competitive and it bothers her that my kids eat "better"* than hers. Like, it's embarrassing to her when her kids are fussing about how they don't want something, and my kids are happily eating the same thing. So, she'd like to avoid that situation. My solution to that problem would be to tell the kids that they can say no thank you, but they need to do it politely without fussing. Her solution would be to not serve foods that her kids won't eat, so my kids won't be able to "show off".”

I’m assuming this is your sister you are talking about, and she’s seeking to avoid judgment from your parents and the extended family. The reality is that most families do judge picky eaters and many blame the parents to some extent. So her concern is reasonable, but her approach for avoiding this judgment is absolutely controlling, bizarre, and inappropriate. She needs to learn how to find a way to be happy in life without “winning” the parenting wars. There is not one single accommodation you need to make in this situation. If she has any sense at all, she’ll just load up her kids’ plates with whatever of the offerings they like and hope no one notices. If great Aunt Sally comments that she noticed your sister’s kids have not eaten the larks tongues in aspic (or whatever) and you are feeling charitable, you can help steer the conversation toward a less loaded subject.

It's not actually my sister, not that it matters other than if I had grown up in the same household, I might have grown a backbone by now?

I think one thing that has come away from this is that most families who serve large meals serve them buffet style. I am wondering if switching to that might help? I keep seeing people talking about filling plates. We have never done that, and until this thread I hadn't thought about that as a really key difference. For a meal like this, there is someone at the "head" of each table (we don't all fit at one table) who has a platter with all the proteins -- so it might be ham, turkey, beef or something like that. They ask each person what they want, and then it gets passed down to them. Then the rest of the dishes are passed. The kids usually sit by someone they don't live with, and if they're little, that person helps them help themselves if that makes sense.

But it means that the differences in ways kids eat is very obvious, and while I don't think anyone says judgmental things, I do think she feels embarrassed. Part of it is that her kids draw attention to themselves when there is a food they don't like. So, the larks' tongues come and they ask "Do I have to?" or they say "Eww what's that" or "I don't want to eat that" and everyone hears. My kids might not eat larks tongue, but they're much more likely to just take it and turn to the person next to them and say "would you like some larks' tongues?". But that difference is because my kids have some kind of eating superpower, it's just because the holiday meals are served in the way I serve things at home, whereas she plates the kids' food at her house.

I wonder if switching to a buffet, so she can prepare plates for her kids would make it feel less public? That is a compromise we could absolutely make. We'll all continue to cook what we like, with a mix of kid pleasers and more adventurous stuff, and change how we serve it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No idea if this would work for your family but perhaps having the meal buffet style with a separate childrens' table? Seems less likely that the adults will notice what the kids are eating.

OP here,

Am I the only one who really hates the children's table? I'd rather serve all "kid friendly food" then banish my children from the table.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No idea if this would work for your family but perhaps having the meal buffet style with a separate childrens' table? Seems less likely that the adults will notice what the kids are eating.

OP here,

Am I the only one who really hates the children's table? I'd rather serve all "kid friendly food" then banish my children from the table.

Plenty of people dislike having a childrens' table. That's why I put in the wording about needing it to work for your family. Just buffet then is my suggestion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No idea if this would work for your family but perhaps having the meal buffet style with a separate childrens' table? Seems less likely that the adults will notice what the kids are eating.

OP here,

Am I the only one who really hates the children's table? I'd rather serve all "kid friendly food" then banish my children from the table.

That's funny -- as a kid we LOVED the children's table. It was the most fun!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This situation finally makes sense to me with your 11:49 update, OP. The following part really stood out:

“I think one dynamic is that she is pretty competitive and it bothers her that my kids eat "better"* than hers. Like, it's embarrassing to her when her kids are fussing about how they don't want something, and my kids are happily eating the same thing. So, she'd like to avoid that situation. My solution to that problem would be to tell the kids that they can say no thank you, but they need to do it politely without fussing. Her solution would be to not serve foods that her kids won't eat, so my kids won't be able to "show off".”

I’m assuming this is your sister you are talking about, and she’s seeking to avoid judgment from your parents and the extended family. The reality is that most families do judge picky eaters and many blame the parents to some extent. So her concern is reasonable, but her approach for avoiding this judgment is absolutely controlling, bizarre, and inappropriate. She needs to learn how to find a way to be happy in life without “winning” the parenting wars. There is not one single accommodation you need to make in this situation. If she has any sense at all, she’ll just load up her kids’ plates with whatever of the offerings they like and hope no one notices. If great Aunt Sally comments that she noticed your sister’s kids have not eaten the larks tongues in aspic (or whatever) and you are feeling charitable, you can help steer the conversation toward a less loaded subject.

It's not actually my sister, not that it matters other than if I had grown up in the same household, I might have grown a backbone by now?

I think one thing that has come away from this is that most families who serve large meals serve them buffet style. I am wondering if switching to that might help? I keep seeing people talking about filling plates. We have never done that, and until this thread I hadn't thought about that as a really key difference. For a meal like this, there is someone at the "head" of each table (we don't all fit at one table) who has a platter with all the proteins -- so it might be ham, turkey, beef or something like that. They ask each person what they want, and then it gets passed down to them. Then the rest of the dishes are passed. The kids usually sit by someone they don't live with, and if they're little, that person helps them help themselves if that makes sense.

But it means that the differences in ways kids eat is very obvious, and while I don't think anyone says judgmental things, I do think she feels embarrassed. Part of it is that her kids draw attention to themselves when there is a food they don't like. So, the larks' tongues come and they ask "Do I have to?" or they say "Eww what's that" or "I don't want to eat that" and everyone hears. My kids might not eat larks tongue, but they're much more likely to just take it and turn to the person next to them and say "would you like some larks' tongues?". But that difference is because my kids have some kind of eating superpower, it's just because the holiday meals are served in the way I serve things at home, whereas she plates the kids' food at her house.

I wonder if switching to a buffet, so she can prepare plates for her kids would make it feel less public? That is a compromise we could absolutely make. We'll all continue to cook what we like, with a mix of kid pleasers and more adventurous stuff, and change how we serve it.

I think the buffet does solve all of your and her issues for this Thanksgiving, and sounds much more enjoyable than the Protein King passing or inviting judgement on each person’s choices. Also, as you so kindly babysit these picky youngsters, you are well within your rights to teach them that their reaction to food that makes them anxious is both and, more importantly, counter-productive if they want to be free of adult interest in what they eat.

Now, head on over to Family Relationships so we can get to work helping you reinforce that backbone.

[Anonymous]

Your relative sounds really controlling. She can do whatever she wants at home, but she needs to ease up on special occasions. Hell, we visited BIL’s family for an entire week this summer, and their kids’ regular breakfast consists of Nutella on white bread + high-sugar cereal. At home we usually have something healthier but who cares, “When in Rome” after all. My child ate the same breakfast as her cousins the entire week and I didn’t have the slightest objection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We always made our kids eat what was cooked for dinner but actually not at holidays.

Same. Not a hill I’m dying on on a holiday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. They've always eaten what we make/give them. Never had any food issues. I don't expect them to sample one of everything over holidays. They eat, and stop once they're full.

My question is whether you're choosing what they eat at the holidays, or you're making an exception and allowing them to choose.

I'm asking because I have a family member who believes this -- that kids should eat what's put in front of them, which I understand in her home, but she's not an adventurous cook, so he kids are used to food being familiar. As we plan Christmas dinner, she keeps objecting to foods because she thinks her kids won't like it and she feels like it's mean to expect them to have to eat food they don't like at Christmas.

I'm trying to find a middle ground between unhappy kids, and the rest of us not having to eat foods that are "little kid friendly".

If you’re hosting the meal and cooking then ask your relative to bring something that her kids will eat.

We'll have a ton of things her kids will eat.

The issue is that she thinks that we should only have things her kids will eat. For example, there has been discussion of Beef Wellington. Her kids don't like mushrooms. But we'll also have ham, which they like, and mac and cheese which they love and turkey which they're OK with. So, the kids will not be protein deprived. Same with every food group.

“I’m serving a large holiday menu, and it is not my intention that every guest will try every thing. Anyone, even kids, can make a plate of what I’m serving. If you want to bring something else to suit yourself or your kids, by all means—I’ll set out your food and can give you some time to heat it up. But if my menu doesn’t work for you because you insist that your kids eat every thing, you can decline my invitation, because I’m not serving a kids menu. I’m serving a menu kids can be happy with, because I don’t insist that everyone eat everything at big holiday meals with lots of dishes.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No idea if this would work for your family but perhaps having the meal buffet style with a separate childrens' table? Seems less likely that the adults will notice what the kids are eating.

OP here,

Am I the only one who really hates the children's table? I'd rather serve all "kid friendly food" then banish my children from the table.

That's funny -- as a kid we LOVED the children's table. It was the most fun!

Me too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. They've always eaten what we make/give them. Never had any food issues. I don't expect them to sample one of everything over holidays. They eat, and stop once they're full.

My question is whether you're choosing what they eat at the holidays, or you're making an exception and allowing them to choose.

I'm asking because I have a family member who believes this -- that kids should eat what's put in front of them, which I understand in her home, but she's not an adventurous cook, so he kids are used to food being familiar. As we plan Christmas dinner, she keeps objecting to foods because she thinks her kids won't like it and she feels like it's mean to expect them to have to eat food they don't like at Christmas.

I'm trying to find a middle ground between unhappy kids, and the rest of us not having to eat foods that are "little kid friendly".

At a huge meal, you're not going to be able to please everybody, so you have 2 or 3 dishes that you know the kids will eat, and go to town with everything else. I don't understand why you couldn't come up with this simple solution on your own.

[not OP]

I don't understand how you can still think this is a simple solution to the actual problem that OP faces. Did you just skip reading the thread?

What a b1tch you are. I was not expecting the OP to be thread sitting and replying to every single post with new information (the most annoying kind of OP, btw), so I replied after page 2, but now that I've been through the whole thing, I still think this is the solution and OP's sister needs to deal with it.

NP here. Nope, you were the b1tch, PP. I’ve bolded where you started the b1tchery as a helpful way of pointing out your behavior so you can do better in the future.