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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This situation finally makes sense to me with your 11:49 update, OP. The following part really stood out:

“I think one dynamic is that she is pretty competitive and it bothers her that my kids eat "better"* than hers. Like, it's embarrassing to her when her kids are fussing about how they don't want something, and my kids are happily eating the same thing. So, she'd like to avoid that situation. My solution to that problem would be to tell the kids that they can say no thank you, but they need to do it politely without fussing. Her solution would be to not serve foods that her kids won't eat, so my kids won't be able to "show off".”

I’m assuming this is your sister you are talking about, and she’s seeking to avoid judgment from your parents and the extended family. The reality is that most families do judge picky eaters and many blame the parents to some extent. So her concern is reasonable, but her approach for avoiding this judgment is absolutely controlling, bizarre, and inappropriate. She needs to learn how to find a way to be happy in life without “winning” the parenting wars. There is not one single accommodation you need to make in this situation. If she has any sense at all, she’ll just load up her kids’ plates with whatever of the offerings they like and hope no one notices. If great Aunt Sally comments that she noticed your sister’s kids have not eaten the larks tongues in aspic (or whatever) and you are feeling charitable, you can help steer the conversation toward a less loaded subject. [/quote]

It's not actually my sister, not that it matters other than if I had grown up in the same household, I might have grown a backbone by now?

I think one thing that has come away from this is that most families who serve large meals serve them buffet style. I am wondering if switching to that might help?  I keep seeing people talking about filling plates.  We have never done that, and until this thread I hadn't thought about that as a really key difference.  For a meal like this, there is someone at the "head" of each table (we don't all fit at one table) who has a platter with all the proteins -- so it might be ham, turkey, beef or something like that.  They ask each person what they want, and then it gets passed down to them.  Then the rest of the dishes are passed. The kids usually sit by someone they don't live with, and if they're little, that person helps them help themselves if that makes sense.

But it means that the differences in ways kids eat is very obvious, and while I don't think anyone says judgmental things, I do think she feels embarrassed.  Part of it is that her kids draw attention to themselves when there is a food they don't like.  So, the larks' tongues come and they ask "Do I have to?" or they say "Eww what's that" or "I don't want to eat that" and everyone hears.  My kids might not eat larks tongue, but they're much more likely to just take it and turn to the person next to them and say "would you like some larks' tongues?". But that difference is because my kids have some kind of eating superpower, it's just because the holiday meals are served in the way I serve things at home, whereas she plates the kids' food at her house.

I wonder if switching to a buffet, so she can prepare plates for her kids would make it feel less public?  That is a compromise we could absolutely make.  We'll all continue to cook what we like, with a mix of kid pleasers and more adventurous stuff, and change how we serve it.  [/quote]
I think the buffet does solve all of your and her issues for this Thanksgiving, and sounds much more enjoyable than the Protein King passing or inviting judgement on each person’s choices.  Also, as you so kindly babysit these picky youngsters, you are well within your rights to teach them that their reaction to food that makes them anxious is both and, more importantly, counter-productive if they want to be free of adult interest in what they eat.

Now, head on over to Family Relationships so we can get to work helping you reinforce that backbone. [/quote]

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