Christmas travel-leaving 2 year old home while whole family goes to Caribbean?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't have a problem going on trips without my kids. But at SOME point your kid will look back and realize you left him with the nanny on Christmas to go to the beach. That will leave a mark.

It sounds like maybe the son's condition is such that he will not grasp concepts like this. And no, there's no reason he will find out about something that happened when he was 2. When I was 2 my parents left me with my grandmother, aunt, and cousins to go to India for 6 weeks. I have no recollection of it, the only way I know about it is through the adorable photos they took of me feeding spaghetti to my cousin by hand. I don't feel resentful or abandoned in the least.

Uh, you literally just explained how he will find out that it happened -- there will be photos and memories of this vacation. And at 2 it's hard for anyone to know what he may understand when he is older.

If you go, please do not do so on the premise that your SN child won't know the difference and won't remember anyway because he has SN. And definitely don't ask your 5 year old to go on a vacation and then never speak of it again so that her younger brother doesn't know about the time the whole family when on a holiday vacation without him and left him with a nanny (not family, but a nanny who may not even be in his life when he is old enough to understand what happened, unlike the situation with your extended family). This is not the sort of secret you should introduce into your family dynamic and the mere fact that people think it's something you should keep from your son indicates that maybe it's something you shouldn't do? Like if this is an a-ok thing to do, why all the fretting? Just tell the toddler mommy and daddy and sissy are going away for a week and he's going to have fun time with the nanny and you will see him next year, no big deal.

Except actually I think OP knows it's a big deal and that's why she's looking for someone to tell her it's okay. Which some people have. I personally could not do this, even as a SN parent who needs a break. It wouldn't be a break for me, it would feel terrible and I'd miss my son.

I also literally just explained that it bothered me not one jot to learn of my "abandonment." How fragile to be upset about something that happened decades ago that affected you not at all until you saw the photos.

The difference is they left you with family, not the nanny!

[Anonymous]

Cancel the trip. How is this actually a question?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cancel the trip. How is this actually a question?

+1. I cannot fathom leaving my kid for a week at Christmas because I would feel burdened by his extra needed care on the plane. Give your nanny the week off like everyone else in the country. It's Christmas. Celebrate as a family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't have a problem going on trips without my kids. But at SOME point your kid will look back and realize you left him with the nanny on Christmas to go to the beach. That will leave a mark.

It sounds like maybe the son's condition is such that he will not grasp concepts like this. And no, there's no reason he will find out about something that happened when he was 2. When I was 2 my parents left me with my grandmother, aunt, and cousins to go to India for 6 weeks. I have no recollection of it, the only way I know about it is through the adorable photos they took of me feeding spaghetti to my cousin by hand. I don't feel resentful or abandoned in the least.

Uh, you literally just explained how he will find out that it happened -- there will be photos and memories of this vacation. And at 2 it's hard for anyone to know what he may understand when he is older.

If you go, please do not do so on the premise that your SN child won't know the difference and won't remember anyway because he has SN. And definitely don't ask your 5 year old to go on a vacation and then never speak of it again so that her younger brother doesn't know about the time the whole family when on a holiday vacation without him and left him with a nanny (not family, but a nanny who may not even be in his life when he is old enough to understand what happened, unlike the situation with your extended family). This is not the sort of secret you should introduce into your family dynamic and the mere fact that people think it's something you should keep from your son indicates that maybe it's something you shouldn't do? Like if this is an a-ok thing to do, why all the fretting? Just tell the toddler mommy and daddy and sissy are going away for a week and he's going to have fun time with the nanny and you will see him next year, no big deal.

Except actually I think OP knows it's a big deal and that's why she's looking for someone to tell her it's okay. Which some people have. I personally could not do this, even as a SN parent who needs a break. It wouldn't be a break for me, it would feel terrible and I'd miss my son.

I also literally just explained that it bothered me not one jot to learn of my "abandonment." How fragile to be upset about something that happened decades ago that affected you not at all until you saw the photos.

The difference is they left you with family, not the nanny!

The nanny IS family to this child. I would not choose the same thing for my own family, but I had a healthy, NT 2 year old who did not have an alternate primary caretaker. The specifics of this scenario make me inclined to say celebrate xmas eve and morning at home and then continue with vacation as planned. To suggest it's heartless - why? What is this 2 year old going to remember, even if he sees pics someday? Pictures of Christmas Eve and Morning 2021 will be at home.

[Anonymous]

I would cancel. I’m sorry!

[Anonymous]

I would bring the nanny and try your best to keep his mask on. Find one that is loose and let him pick it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am a career nanny and I think some of the posters giving out guilt trips are also coming from a place of just not getting the nanny dynamic. If she has been his nanny since birth then he feels totally comfortable and safe with her. She knows (and probably helped you all to figure out) exactly what his special needs are as well as any emergency protocols. As a nanny I have taken kids on road trips without parents (including one where we had to stop at an ER and one where we were snowed in and had to stay in a hotel an extra night). I also once took some charges home with me for thanksgiving when there was a sudden death in the family and the parents wanted to be there for their family members. I have also worked with SN or medically complicated kids and it really makes for a tight dynamic with the nanny and parents. I have been to tons of specialist appointments and therapy appointments and worked as a team with parents to make sure their kid has the best possible care.

You sound great but I still wouldn't want my kid to have a seizure with a nanny when I'm 24 hrs away (or maybe 3 weeks away if I get covid travelling.)

This is the only take that matters. You could easily get stuck in a foreign country for 3 weeks. It's a non starter for that alone.

[Anonymous]

Guilt is heavy thing OP. Once you said you'd be leaving Christmas night, that changed everything. Take the vacation! You've just found out that your baby has been diagnosed with something. It's been a grueling pandemic year, and yes, your 5 yo needs the vacation too. Ya know, put your oxygen mask on first and all that.

That being said, I feel bad for the nanny. Did she plan to join her family in another country? If not, maybe she was looking forward to a paid week off? If you're sure nanny is absolutely fine with the arrangement, GO! It's ok! You'll all come home to him refueled. You'll all be better for it. PLUS-make xmas eve day-night and xmas day extra special. Cook in advance, stock fridge/freezer with their favorite meals, clean the house and have a beautiful holiday with gifts that will keep your son occupied and happy for the week. Lavish nanny with something special and give her New Year's week off (paid). If nanny will still be alone, then plan something special including her/him for NYE.

[Anonymous]

Op here. So many comments. Thanks for the replies.

Not sure what to clarify at this point that I haven’t already said.

My hesitation in leaving him is primarily because it’s a long time to be away from him and I am unsure how I will do with it and how he will do with it. I worry I worry 2 yo will really struggle without his brother. I could see it all being fine though-I’ll miss him for sure and feel guilty for sure. Those things go without saying. I don’t see them as reasons not to go.

DH and my mom have no reservations about this plan and we formulated it together. DH is insisting on it. Any scenario in which anyone suffers lifelong emotional impact from this decision seems so remote that I am not concerned about it.

My sons condition is permanent and incurable. He has had seizures with our nanny. She was a nurse in her home country and has been with us at many of the medical appointments. We take seizure meds and have rescue meds for prolonged seizures, if he had to go to the hospital it would be better he be in our home city with the medical team we have here. He’s been seizure free for nearly 3 months though and it’s very unlikely that anything catastrophic will happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. So many comments. Thanks for the replies.

Not sure what to clarify at this point that I haven’t already said.

My hesitation in leaving him is primarily because it’s a long time to be away from him and I am unsure how I will do with it and how he will do with it. I worry I worry 2 yo will really struggle without his brother. I could see it all being fine though-I’ll miss him for sure and feel guilty for sure. Those things go without saying. I don’t see them as reasons not to go.

DH and my mom have no reservations about this plan and we formulated it together. DH is insisting on it. Any scenario in which anyone suffers lifelong emotional impact from this decision seems so remote that I am not concerned about it.

My sons condition is permanent and incurable. He has had seizures with our nanny. She was a nurse in her home country and has been with us at many of the medical appointments. We take seizure meds and have rescue meds for prolonged seizures, if he had to go to the hospital it would be better he be in our home city with the medical team we have here. He’s been seizure free for nearly 3 months though and it’s very unlikely that anything catastrophic will happen.

Your risk assessment is on the likelihood. You need to examine it from likelihood and IMPACT. Low likelihood, but if it was a worst case scenario the IMPACT is enormous and life changing for everyone involved. Do you want to show up at the hospital and tell the medical staff, “sorry I’m late I was in the Caribbean” though I KNOW I have a medically fragile child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. So many comments. Thanks for the replies.

Not sure what to clarify at this point that I haven’t already said.

My hesitation in leaving him is primarily because it’s a long time to be away from him and I am unsure how I will do with it and how he will do with it. I worry I worry 2 yo will really struggle without his brother. I could see it all being fine though-I’ll miss him for sure and feel guilty for sure. Those things go without saying. I don’t see them as reasons not to go.

DH and my mom have no reservations about this plan and we formulated it together. DH is insisting on it. Any scenario in which anyone suffers lifelong emotional impact from this decision seems so remote that I am not concerned about it.

My sons condition is permanent and incurable. He has had seizures with our nanny. She was a nurse in her home country and has been with us at many of the medical appointments. We take seizure meds and have rescue meds for prolonged seizures, if he had to go to the hospital it would be better he be in our home city with the medical team we have here. He’s been seizure free for nearly 3 months though and it’s very unlikely that anything catastrophic will happen.

Your risk assessment is on the likelihood. You need to examine it from likelihood and IMPACT. Low likelihood, but if it was a worst case scenario the IMPACT is enormous and life changing for everyone involved. Do you want to show up at the hospital and tell the medical staff, “sorry I’m late I was in the Caribbean” though I KNOW I have a medically fragile child.

Op here. It wouldn’t be life changing. My arriving after the fact doesn’t mean he wouldn’t receive care. Our nanny would get him medical care, at a hospital that knows him, with a neurologist team who treats him now. I’ll be dialing in every step of the way. Of course I would always want to be there but he will receive care whether I am there or not.

Seizures in and of themselves are not harmful and we deal with them-they are not an emergency for a child like mine where we know and understand the cause and he’s receiving treatment.

[Anonymous]

I would leave him behind, no question.

[Anonymous]

I think the worry of something happening to you all, like getting caught in the foreign country longer than planned, would make both parents away and child at home a non-starter for me.

Maybe leave both kids and make it a couples get away or don't go. But I'd still worry about being forced to quarantine away from my kids given what's happening still.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. So many comments. Thanks for the replies.

Not sure what to clarify at this point that I haven’t already said.

My hesitation in leaving him is primarily because it’s a long time to be away from him and I am unsure how I will do with it and how he will do with it. I worry I worry 2 yo will really struggle without his brother. I could see it all being fine though-I’ll miss him for sure and feel guilty for sure. Those things go without saying. I don’t see them as reasons not to go.

DH and my mom have no reservations about this plan and we formulated it together. DH is insisting on it. Any scenario in which anyone suffers lifelong emotional impact from this decision seems so remote that I am not concerned about it.

My sons condition is permanent and incurable. He has had seizures with our nanny. She was a nurse in her home country and has been with us at many of the medical appointments. We take seizure meds and have rescue meds for prolonged seizures, if he had to go to the hospital it would be better he be in our home city with the medical team we have here. He’s been seizure free for nearly 3 months though and it’s very unlikely that anything catastrophic will happen.

Your risk assessment is on the likelihood. You need to examine it from likelihood and IMPACT. Low likelihood, but if it was a worst case scenario the IMPACT is enormous and life changing for everyone involved. Do you want to show up at the hospital and tell the medical staff, “sorry I’m late I was in the Caribbean” though I KNOW I have a medically fragile child.

Op here. It wouldn’t be life changing. My arriving after the fact doesn’t mean he wouldn’t receive care. Our nanny would get him medical care, at a hospital that knows him, with a neurologist team who treats him now. I’ll be dialing in every step of the way. Of course I would always want to be there but he will receive care whether I am there or not.

Seizures in and of themselves are not harmful and we deal with them-they are not an emergency for a child like mine where we know and understand the cause and he’s receiving treatment.

What if you get covid and have to quarantine abroad for weeks?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. So many comments. Thanks for the replies.

Not sure what to clarify at this point that I haven’t already said.

My hesitation in leaving him is primarily because it’s a long time to be away from him and I am unsure how I will do with it and how he will do with it. I worry I worry 2 yo will really struggle without his brother. I could see it all being fine though-I’ll miss him for sure and feel guilty for sure. Those things go without saying. I don’t see them as reasons not to go.

DH and my mom have no reservations about this plan and we formulated it together. DH is insisting on it. Any scenario in which anyone suffers lifelong emotional impact from this decision seems so remote that I am not concerned about it.

My sons condition is permanent and incurable. He has had seizures with our nanny. She was a nurse in her home country and has been with us at many of the medical appointments. We take seizure meds and have rescue meds for prolonged seizures, if he had to go to the hospital it would be better he be in our home city with the medical team we have here. He’s been seizure free for nearly 3 months though and it’s very unlikely that anything catastrophic will happen.

Your risk assessment is on the likelihood. You need to examine it from likelihood and IMPACT. Low likelihood, but if it was a worst case scenario the IMPACT is enormous and life changing for everyone involved. Do you want to show up at the hospital and tell the medical staff, “sorry I’m late I was in the Caribbean” though I KNOW I have a medically fragile child.

Op here. It wouldn’t be life changing. My arriving after the fact doesn’t mean he wouldn’t receive care. Our nanny would get him medical care, at a hospital that knows him, with a neurologist team who treats him now. I’ll be dialing in every step of the way. Of course I would always want to be there but he will receive care whether I am there or not.

Seizures in and of themselves are not harmful and we deal with them-they are not an emergency for a child like mine where we know and understand the cause and he’s receiving treatment.

OK OP. If the scenario where your 2 year old is hospitalized for a prolonged seizure while you are in the Caribbean doesn't bother you ... then go. Why are you here? What exactly are you trying to find out? What you know now is that this plan is an outlier in terms of what most parents would be comfortable with, so yeah they will judge you. It doesn't sound dangerous for your child, so I can't condemn you, but you can't both do the thing and then not expect to be judged for the thing. I just wonder why you are here and what you are hoping to learn.