Moved at the suggestion of my sister, and now she's ditched me

[Anonymous]

OP, your sister invited you to move near her, not move in with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know this sounds crazy but if you are already 35 or so and don’t think you’ll find someone new soon consider having a baby on your own (unless you never want to be a mother of course).
You’ll never be bored or lonely, you will be BUSY - and your sister will be calling YOU.

yes
Op you need a baby not a sister. You should focus accordingly.

[Anonymous]

OP I have a very close sister and you sound awful and with no concept of how hard it is to be a working mom. All I hear is me me me in your posts. Get screened for depression and get a hold of yourself. You’re obviously good company, but you’re taking things too far.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know this sounds crazy but if you are already 35 or so and don’t think you’ll find someone new soon consider having a baby on your own (unless you never want to be a mother of course).
You’ll never be bored or lonely, you will be BUSY - and your sister will be calling YOU.

yes
Op you need a baby not a sister. You should focus accordingly.

This is awful advice.

You really think that OP - who literally can’t look after herself and can’t cope with being alone for a day while she’s a grown woman and able to do whatever she wants - would be able to cope with being alone while caring for a baby?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I'd call my sister and tell her all this. I'd tell her I didn't realize I had become such a burden to her and was interrupting her life with her family so much. I was hoping to have some support from my sister as this is a particularly hard time. I get it if you can't do that anymore, but it would have been better if you had told me that yourself instead of running to mom to do your dirty work.
I may or may not give her a chance to explain herself. I may just hang up.

Then I'd ghost her.

I'd also skip the next 2 Sunday calls from your parents


Sign up for all the things that you have wanted to do, Be the fabulous person you are. If you don't like DC enough to stay move back to NYC or somewhere else.
.

Your advice is to be as passive-aggressive as possible? Fantastic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
There was the unspoken expectation that you would eventually become independent, OP. Your sister didn't mean "hang out with us forever". She meant "hang out with us while you get back on your feet and then come over occasionally". And it's true that two working parents wrangling school-aged kids can be HECTIC. Seriously draining. I manage well because I stay home, but I see my working friends with several kids, and how they juggling their lives, and it's really tough.

Your family loves you, OP. But they do need some breathing room, as your mother puts it.

+1. OP back to school changes the family schedule and you coming over during the week with homework etc is just too much. Also brother in law certainly was not expecting you to work from his home. Sister does love you but you need more support than she expected. With COVID and no office to go to finding new friends is tough. Three months is not that long at all. Continue to look for new groups, volunteer opportunities etc. Go to interesting MeetUp groups if they are in person. Give the running group more time. DC has active kickball and volleyball groups. Chat up your neighbors. But you need to give your sister and her family some breathing space.

I was wondering when someone was going to mention him. If I'm married with two kids, and my spouse's sister is looking to come over for dinner all the time, and work from my house, I'm absolutely not going to be OK with it? For short term, when someone is in a tough spot? Sure. But OP did this for 3 months, and shows no sigh of developing her own life. No way. And think of OP's sister - not only are she (and her husband) taking car of two kids, now they have a 30 yo to take care of as well.

[Anonymous]

This often happens when you move near family, op. After the newness wears off, you become just another person, seeing you isn’t special or new though your sister probably loves you and likes you just fine. It’s just that she has things she needs and wants to do with her husband and kids, things that don’t include you at least not with the frequency you seem to want.

You seem skeptical that the kids are busy every night of the week. Maybe they are, though your “this seems crazy” won’t win you any friends. Two of my kids have found activities they and us really enjoy. There are weeks where we are doing these activities and when we aren’t, we just want to go home, eat dinner and go to bed. We don’t want anybody else there no mater how much we love them. The late nights are good for all of us, but also tire us all out. The kids still want the same bedtime routine, one that we all enjoy. We all still need to eat. We need our earlier solo nights to get the rest we need so we don’t snarl at each other due to too little sleep. We also have to do things like laundry, homework, grocery shop, and then we have things like birthdays, holidays and the like. Our middle cild got really into decorating for Halloween this year. It made her so happy, and she did much of the work. I’m proud of her. Even with her doing the work, we still had to get her the supplies and make sure she was appropriately using them. Since the world is reopening, activities exist that hadn’t been around for over a year. Kids have grown up during that year and have expressed interest in activities that previously didn’t interest them. You may have thought that the world went to sleep, and for some people it did. It didn’t for my kids, and it probably hasn’t for your sister’s.

As for you working at the house, that seems a bit much to me. I know I’d not like it if another woman was working in the house with my husband, I’d understand it if your apartment had cockroaches the size of puppies and you needed to not be there for a couple days, but to do it because you’re lonely.. I’d just not like that. I’d feel like I had to be ready to have you over, kids dressed and presentable (and sometimes that’s hard after a late “crazy night), husband up and dressed, (no random morning quickies when the sister will be showing up any minute) and it’s basically a different pattern to the days. For all you know, a neighbor commented on why this woman is hanging out at your sister’s house all day. These comments shouldn’t matter, but they do when people think your husband is up to no good because it impacts friendships for the parents and kids. Also, nobody wants their husband to be the gossip of the neighborhood. Again, none of this matters before kids, it matters a lot once kids are older.

Your mom may have been more blunt then she should have been. I don’t know. It does seem like you need to find something else to do. Try and date. Go do stuff you haven’t had time to do. If you don’t like the D.C. area, leave. Nobody is forcing you to stay here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This often happens when you move near family, op. After the newness wears off, you become just another person, seeing you isn’t special or new though your sister probably loves you and likes you just fine. It’s just that she has things she needs and wants to do with her husband and kids, things that don’t include you at least not with the frequency you seem to want.

You seem skeptical that the kids are busy every night of the week. Maybe they are, though your “this seems crazy” won’t win you any friends. Two of my kids have found activities they and us really enjoy. There are weeks where we are doing these activities and when we aren’t, we just want to go home, eat dinner and go to bed. We don’t want anybody else there no mater how much we love them. The late nights are good for all of us, but also tire us all out. The kids still want the same bedtime routine, one that we all enjoy. We all still need to eat. We need our earlier solo nights to get the rest we need so we don’t snarl at each other due to too little sleep. We also have to do things like laundry, homework, grocery shop, and then we have things like birthdays, holidays and the like. Our middle cild got really into decorating for Halloween this year. It made her so happy, and she did much of the work. I’m proud of her. Even with her doing the work, we still had to get her the supplies and make sure she was appropriately using them. Since the world is reopening, activities exist that hadn’t been around for over a year. Kids have grown up during that year and have expressed interest in activities that previously didn’t interest them. You may have thought that the world went to sleep, and for some people it did. It didn’t for my kids, and it probably hasn’t for your sister’s.

As for you working at the house, that seems a bit much to me. I know I’d not like it if another woman was working in the house with my husband, I’d understand it if your apartment had cockroaches the size of puppies and you needed to not be there for a couple days, but to do it because you’re lonely.. I’d just not like that. I’d feel like I had to be ready to have you over, kids dressed and presentable (and sometimes that’s hard after a late “crazy night), husband up and dressed, (no random morning quickies when the sister will be showing up any minute) and it’s basically a different pattern to the days. For all you know, a neighbor commented on why this woman is hanging out at your sister’s house all day. These comments shouldn’t matter, but they do when people think your husband is up to no good because it impacts friendships for the parents and kids. Also, nobody wants their husband to be the gossip of the neighborhood. Again, none of this matters before kids, it matters a lot once kids are older.

Your mom may have been more blunt then she should have been. I don’t know. It does seem like you need to find something else to do. Try and date. Go do stuff you haven’t had time to do. If you don’t like the D.C. area, leave. Nobody is forcing you to stay here.

This is the strangest take on this entire thread. Good grief.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This often happens when you move near family, op. After the newness wears off, you become just another person, seeing you isn’t special or new though your sister probably loves you and likes you just fine. It’s just that she has things she needs and wants to do with her husband and kids, things that don’t include you at least not with the frequency you seem to want.

You seem skeptical that the kids are busy every night of the week. Maybe they are, though your “this seems crazy” won’t win you any friends. Two of my kids have found activities they and us really enjoy. There are weeks where we are doing these activities and when we aren’t, we just want to go home, eat dinner and go to bed. We don’t want anybody else there no mater how much we love them. The late nights are good for all of us, but also tire us all out. The kids still want the same bedtime routine, one that we all enjoy. We all still need to eat. We need our earlier solo nights to get the rest we need so we don’t snarl at each other due to too little sleep. We also have to do things like laundry, homework, grocery shop, and then we have things like birthdays, holidays and the like. Our middle cild got really into decorating for Halloween this year. It made her so happy, and she did much of the work. I’m proud of her. Even with her doing the work, we still had to get her the supplies and make sure she was appropriately using them. Since the world is reopening, activities exist that hadn’t been around for over a year. Kids have grown up during that year and have expressed interest in activities that previously didn’t interest them. You may have thought that the world went to sleep, and for some people it did. It didn’t for my kids, and it probably hasn’t for your sister’s.

As for you working at the house, that seems a bit much to me. I know I’d not like it if another woman was working in the house with my husband, I’d understand it if your apartment had cockroaches the size of puppies and you needed to not be there for a couple days, but to do it because you’re lonely.. I’d just not like that. I’d feel like I had to be ready to have you over, kids dressed and presentable (and sometimes that’s hard after a late “crazy night), husband up and dressed, (no random morning quickies when the sister will be showing up any minute) and it’s basically a different pattern to the days. For all you know, a neighbor commented on why this woman is hanging out at your sister’s house all day. These comments shouldn’t matter, but they do when people think your husband is up to no good because it impacts friendships for the parents and kids. Also, nobody wants their husband to be the gossip of the neighborhood. Again, none of this matters before kids, it matters a lot once kids are older.

Your mom may have been more blunt then she should have been. I don’t know. It does seem like you need to find something else to do. Try and date. Go do stuff you haven’t had time to do. If you don’t like the D.C. area, leave. Nobody is forcing you to stay here.

This is the strangest take on this entire thread. Good grief.

It sure is. Projecting from your own life on here pp writer?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like she babied you for the summer when she could. No school schedule, no sports/activities, etc. Now she has to get her kids to school on time, and take one or some of them to activities every day. I have two kids, and during baseball season, someone has a game or practice - every day.

Honestly - what are you looking for? It’s ridiculous to think you should go to their house daily to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I'd call my sister and tell her all this. I'd tell her I didn't realize I had become such a burden to her and was interrupting her life with her family so much. I was hoping to have some support from my sister as this is a particularly hard time. I get it if you can't do that anymore, but it would have been better if you had told me that yourself instead of running to mom to do your dirty work.
I may or may not give her a chance to explain herself. I may just hang up.

Then I'd ghost her.

I'd also skip the next 2 Sunday calls from your parents


Sign up for all the things that you have wanted to do, Be the fabulous person you are. If you don't like DC enough to stay move back to NYC or somewhere else.
.

Your advice is to be as passive-aggressive as possible? Fantastic.

Gawd, that is bad advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was in NYC for 10 years, sister in DC.
A relationship that I thought was headed to marriage ended and I hated my job. My sister suggested I relocate to DC for a change of pace, saying basically, "We'll be right down the street, can hang out all the time, it'll be great." I was so lonely and adrift after the breakup (mutual but we were together 10 years and lived together for six) that I was so eager to feel part of a family again. I said OK.
I visited a few times, looked at apartments with her, and decided to go for it. I knew if nothing else I'd have my sister and her family (husband and two kids) nearby, and I have some college friends there too. I can WFH thanks to COVID indefinitely with my current job so finally in June I just said screw it, I'm going to try something new and I moved to DC -- my sister lives in a town outside the city but close in on the subway.
We looked for apartments together one more time, I signed a lease, and here I am.
During the summer I hung out a lot at my sister's...she would have me for dinner a lot, I'd hang out and watch TV with them or play with my nieces.
Now, three months into my being here, I feel like she's ghosting me.

I ask to come over for dinner and she says they're busy. The kids seem to have stuff every night of the week which seems crazy but OK. I asked to work from her house sometimes because my apartment is so quiet and I'm lonely...like really lonely without my ex of 10 years...and she said sure, so I had been working there, but then she said that her husband's work schedule was ramping up and he'd be on calls a lot so I should plan to work from my own apartment more (even though I work on the other side of the house). Then this Sunday on my weekly chat with my parents, my mom said...maybe after a glass of wine, cannot tell...that I really need to give my sister more breathing room because "you know, she has a family." As if I am a nobody without a "Family" so cannot possibly have needs.

I don't know why the hell my sister told me to move here. My mom's comment has upset me so much. I feel so alone. I am so mad at my sister. Any ideas... thanks dcum.

You are clinging and leaning on her too much. She has a marriage, kids and a life to maintain. Get your own life, this situation happened to me except it was my brother.

Move somewhere else if it would help you. I can tell you hands down though that she doesn't want to try to meet all your needs. She is busy as heck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was in NYC for 10 years, sister in DC.
A relationship that I thought was headed to marriage ended and I hated my job. My sister suggested I relocate to DC for a change of pace, saying basically, "We'll be right down the street, can hang out all the time, it'll be great." I was so lonely and adrift after the breakup (mutual but we were together 10 years and lived together for six) that I was so eager to feel part of a family again. I said OK.
I visited a few times, looked at apartments with her, and decided to go for it. I knew if nothing else I'd have my sister and her family (husband and two kids) nearby, and I have some college friends there too. I can WFH thanks to COVID indefinitely with my current job so finally in June I just said screw it, I'm going to try something new and I moved to DC -- my sister lives in a town outside the city but close in on the subway.
We looked for apartments together one more time, I signed a lease, and here I am.
During the summer I hung out a lot at my sister's...she would have me for dinner a lot, I'd hang out and watch TV with them or play with my nieces.
Now, three months into my being here, I feel like she's ghosting me.

I ask to come over for dinner and she says they're busy. The kids seem to have stuff every night of the week which seems crazy but OK. I asked to work from her house sometimes because my apartment is so quiet and I'm lonely...like really lonely without my ex of 10 years...and she said sure, so I had been working there, but then she said that her husband's work schedule was ramping up and he'd be on calls a lot so I should plan to work from my own apartment more (even though I work on the other side of the house). Then this Sunday on my weekly chat with my parents, my mom said...maybe after a glass of wine, cannot tell...that I really need to give my sister more breathing room because "you know, she has a family." As if I am a nobody without a "Family" so cannot possibly have needs.

I don't know why the hell my sister told me to move here. My mom's comment has upset me so much. I feel so alone. I am so mad at my sister. Any ideas... thanks dcum.

OP, you sound adrift, which is completely understandable after a breakup and relocations.

Your sister is not ghosting you, but she also cannot be your sole source of social inclusion, happiness, and support.

I’m sorry, but I will say as someone who has done it - WFH after relocating is one of the worst things to do for your mental health. Is there a way you can go into an office even a few times a week to meet coworkers, or is your position solely remote now? I know you asked to work at your sister’s occasionally, but it also sounds like that occasion became pretty frequent. Maybe ask to go one day a week, on the same day, and maybe tie that day to helping them in some way while you’re there - prepping dinner or taking one kid to an activity (even just you and that kid), doing groceries before work, etc. Point blank - if you want to be treated like family, then contribute like family. Take some of the burden off so she doesn’t have an extra, but adult, child to cater to and for.

You probably don’t want to hear this, but part of getting on with your life is learning how to stand on *your* two feet, without your partner being there. You need to grieve and find yourself without them, and running to what’s easy isn’t always going to be the solution. You live in a city with so much to do, so many potential things to learn and experience. Get comfortable to do things that make YOU happy. No one: not your sister, not your ex partner, can fill your bucket for you, and as hard as it feels, it’s what you need to go through right now. There’s going to be lonely nights, but there should also be nights you get off your butt and do something, and your sister can’t fix that for you.

Having your sister close is amazing, but it doesn’t mean you have to be under her roof 24/7.

[Anonymous]

Your sister did nothing wrong venting to your mom. She was frustrated and wanted to discuss the situation with someone she was close to. Your mother should not have said anything to you, though it sounds as though maybe it’s for the best since now you are able to realize that you were a burden on your sister.

I wouldn’t do any grand apology like others have suggested. Instead, I would try to limit seeing her to once per week at most to give her and her family some breathing room. Would they be interested in a standing appointment with you? Thursday dinner, Sunday brunch, something like that? Having some predictability might help the relationship.

Agree with finding a therapist to work through your feelings.

How old are you? Do you want kids? DC is a great dating city, you could join a dating app and goon several dates per week.

[Anonymous]

Op, your sister wants to be part of your support network, not your entire network. And it’s entirely possible she’s fine with you being there all the time, but her husband understandably is not. It doesn’t mean he does not like you. He just wants his house for himself. Totally normal.

I think it’s reasonable to expect to see your sister socially once a week, like maybe you go there for dinner once a week. And then maybe you can go to a kids activity once a week. A soccer match or play performance.

It’s hard during the pandemic to meet people. I feel for you. And I’m the single sister so I know how you feel. But try to make other friends.