Moved at the suggestion of my sister, and now she's ditched me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your sister was wrong to complain to your mother.

She should have had a conversation with you directly.

Keep working on branching out. If you like DC stay if you don't move elsewhere.


Next time sis asks you to babysit say no.

No one said the sister complained. Most likely OP complained and mom said ‘giver her a break’

[Anonymous]

Gurl you are trying to make your sister replace your man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You were supposed to have developed your own life by now. You’ve been here months. Make friends and get some hobbies.

It is really hard to create a whole new life from scratch more or less in three months and I am trying. It is very hard during covid to meet people because first of all I don't have an office to go to where there are after work happy hours and stuff. I signed on to do shifts at a soup kitchen and it is mainly older women. I jog at Rock Creek Park and even joined a running group but everyone seems either married or not into making friends. I feel hopeless and sad.

There’s simply no shortage of things to do and groups to join in DC. At least show you are making an effort, it back on the requests and you won’t seem so clingy.

New poster. Hey, OP:

--The Smithsonian has a supporters' group for under-40s. Used to have a lot of social events, cocktail hours, etc. pre-covid and likely will return to that.
--Did you go to college? Your college might have an alumni group here in DC. Alumni groups have happy hours, lectures, other events. DC alumni groups sometimes tend to be especially active, it seems.
--The National Zoo also used to have a supporters' group aimed at younger adults and I know people who used to go to events with that group at the Zoo. (I keep saying "used to" because this is all pre-Covid so you have to get out and do some searching around.)
--How did you find your running group? There are loads of them in DC and you might need to do research to find ones aimed at single adults. The Post has run lists of running clubs in the past and I bet if you chat with people at a DC running store they can tell you all about the vibes and reputations of various groups so you can find a friendlier one.
--Volunteering is a great way to meet people with similar interests but get beyond soup kitchens. Can you volunteer at a marathon or fun run? You'd meet other runners that way too. What else is important to you that you want to support with volunteering? Did you choose the soup kitchen just becasue it was available or because it's of special interest? Follow your interests.
--If you have any inclination toward a faith or ethical group, those are wonderful ways to meet people. Look for a congregation or group with a lot of adults your age. If you are not religious per se, there are "ethical humanist" groups that meet regularly.
--The Post and DCist.com etc. have lots of listings.

I understand, I really do -- it is hard enough to break in , in a new city, in regular times, but now it's even harder! But:

(1) If you bail and move again as soon as your lease is up, as someone suggested above, you will be right back in the same position you are now--in a new place, knowing no one, working from home. Why not double down on really researching what there is to do in DC?

(2) You sound very resigned to focusing on your sister and not on yourself. She advised you to try living here but note that she didn't adivse you to move right into their suburb. You're single. You're in the city. It's fantastic she's nearby but you can and should be living a life quite different from hers.

(3) The key word in your post was "summer." I think your sister maybe didn't prepare you to expect what fall is like in a family with kids aroundhere. Life truly is different once kids return to school and extracurricular activities, and spouses' work schedules get heavier (as they do, in fall, for many folks). Parents go back to being chauffeurs, monitors of homework and practice time. And on weekends in the school year, to be blunt, there is a need for carving out family time of just parents plus kids, because during the week they all don't necessarily see much of each other except to Get Things Done. I think maybe you'd say, "I know all that, but...." But summer was your time to settle and now is a great time to take the moments you're spending on DCUM and spend them instead on researching all the stuff there is to do in DC. And you will not necessarily meet new best friends or dates for long while, to be honest, but you will have a lot of fun along the way IF you can be open to that.

Meanwhile-- offer sometimes to babysit the kids or take them to do something and give your sister and BIL half a Saturday off for a date, too. That will earn you big points as favorite aunt. But mostly focus on you, and on getting to know the city rather than pining for last summer's time with your sister. She will have time for you again. She is not ditching you -- she is doing what anyone with school-aged kids has to do in fall and winter. The more she sees you understand that, and the more she sees you getting out and making an effort on your own, the better both of you will get along. DC really has so much to offer, don't let it go undiscovered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound depressed. Get help. Your sister wants to be PART of your support network, not your entire support network. You need friends and a life outside of her too. Look into meetup groups. Get connected. You are too enmeshed and taking everything personally.

This sums it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know this sounds crazy but if you are already 35 or so and don’t think you’ll find someone new soon consider having a baby on your own (unless you never want to be a mother of course).
You’ll never be bored or lonely, you will be BUSY - and your sister will be calling YOU.

yes
Op you need a baby not a sister. You should focus accordingly.

This is awful advice.

You really think that OP - who literally can’t look after herself and can’t cope with being alone for a day while she’s a grown woman and able to do whatever she wants - would be able to cope with being alone while caring for a baby?!

Exactly this ^^^

In addition, it's also awful advice because anyone who has a baby to cure loneliness and isolation and maybe poor social skills and nonexistent boundaries is just setting that child up for misery. Having a baby to solve your own interpersonal problems is cruel and an awful reason to have a baby. And it won't work, because your interpersonal problems will just intensify when you feel the pressure of motherhood, but still don't know how to make friends or find your own fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Next time sis asks you to babysit say no.

NO, the opposite.

OP, the moms here will tell you, school starts up and it's overwhelming. So you get invited by HELPING--by taking things off their plate. Drive the kids to the basketball game. Bring over dinner; do dishes. Babysit the kids and give them a date night.

That's it. I'm just cutting through all the fat here and saying, bottom line, make it easier for them when you are around, and it becomes easy to say YES to include you. Earn your way in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You were supposed to have developed your own life by now. You’ve been here months. Make friends and get some hobbies.

It is really hard to create a whole new life from scratch more or less in three months and I am trying. It is very hard during covid to meet people because first of all I don't have an office to go to where there are after work happy hours and stuff. I signed on to do shifts at a soup kitchen and it is mainly older women. I jog at Rock Creek Park and even joined a running group but everyone seems either married or not into making friends. I feel hopeless and sad.

There’s simply no shortage of things to do and groups to join in DC. At least show you are making an effort, it back on the requests and you won’t seem so clingy.

New poster. Hey, OP:

--The Smithsonian has a supporters' group for under-40s. Used to have a lot of social events, cocktail hours, etc. pre-covid and likely will return to that.
--Did you go to college? Your college might have an alumni group here in DC. Alumni groups have happy hours, lectures, other events. DC alumni groups sometimes tend to be especially active, it seems.
--The National Zoo also used to have a supporters' group aimed at younger adults and I know people who used to go to events with that group at the Zoo. (I keep saying "used to" because this is all pre-Covid so you have to get out and do some searching around.)
--How did you find your running group? There are loads of them in DC and you might need to do research to find ones aimed at single adults. The Post has run lists of running clubs in the past and I bet if you chat with people at a DC running store they can tell you all about the vibes and reputations of various groups so you can find a friendlier one.
--Volunteering is a great way to meet people with similar interests but get beyond soup kitchens. Can you volunteer at a marathon or fun run? You'd meet other runners that way too. What else is important to you that you want to support with volunteering? Did you choose the soup kitchen just becasue it was available or because it's of special interest? Follow your interests.
--If you have any inclination toward a faith or ethical group, those are wonderful ways to meet people. Look for a congregation or group with a lot of adults your age. If you are not religious per se, there are "ethical humanist" groups that meet regularly.
--The Post and DCist.com etc. have lots of listings.

I understand, I really do -- it is hard enough to break in , in a new city, in regular times, but now it's even harder! But:

(1) If you bail and move again as soon as your lease is up, as someone suggested above, you will be right back in the same position you are now--in a new place, knowing no one, working from home. Why not double down on really researching what there is to do in DC?

(2) You sound very resigned to focusing on your sister and not on yourself. She advised you to try living here but note that she didn't adivse you to move right into their suburb. You're single. You're in the city. It's fantastic she's nearby but you can and should be living a life quite different from hers.

(3) The key word in your post was "summer." I think your sister maybe didn't prepare you to expect what fall is like in a family with kids aroundhere. Life truly is different once kids return to school and extracurricular activities, and spouses' work schedules get heavier (as they do, in fall, for many folks). Parents go back to being chauffeurs, monitors of homework and practice time. And on weekends in the school year, to be blunt, there is a need for carving out family time of just parents plus kids, because during the week they all don't necessarily see much of each other except to Get Things Done. I think maybe you'd say, "I know all that, but...." But summer was your time to settle and now is a great time to take the moments you're spending on DCUM and spend them instead on researching all the stuff there is to do in DC. And you will not necessarily meet new best friends or dates for long while, to be honest, but you will have a lot of fun along the way IF you can be open to that.

Meanwhile-- offer sometimes to babysit the kids or take them to do something and give your sister and BIL half a Saturday off for a date, too. That will earn you big points as favorite aunt. But mostly focus on you, and on getting to know the city rather than pining for last summer's time with your sister. She will have time for you again. She is not ditching you -- she is doing what anyone with school-aged kids has to do in fall and winter. The more she sees you understand that, and the more she sees you getting out and making an effort on your own, the better both of you will get along. DC really has so much to offer, don't let it go undiscovered.

This entire post was *chef's kiss* perfection! 🥰

If you listen to no other advice in this entire thread OP, listen to this wonderful person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Next time sis asks you to babysit say no.

NO, the opposite.

OP, the moms here will tell you, school starts up and it's overwhelming. So you get invited by HELPING--by taking things off their plate. Drive the kids to the basketball game. Bring over dinner; do dishes. Babysit the kids and give them a date night.

That's it. I'm just cutting through all the fat here and saying, bottom line, make it easier for them when you are around, and it becomes easy to say YES to include you. Earn your way in.

Exactly!
The pp you quoted who said daddy no to babysitting is totally clueless.

Don't be a burden on your sister as one more mouth to feed, one more person to entertain, one more person to clean up after, make yourself helpful to them.

Because as it stands, it sounds like you want your sister to give and give and give, while you take and take and take, but don't really give anything back to her...

Make yourself indispensable to her.

[Anonymous]

* SAY no, not daddy no, lol.

[Anonymous]

New poster. Hey, OP:

--The Smithsonian has a supporters' group for under-40s. Used to have a lot of social events, cocktail hours, etc. pre-covid and likely will return to that.
--Did you go to college? Your college might have an alumni group here in DC. Alumni groups have happy hours, lectures, other events. DC alumni groups sometimes tend to be especially active, it seems.
--The National Zoo also used to have a supporters' group aimed at younger adults and I know people who used to go to events with that group at the Zoo. (I keep saying "used to" because this is all pre-Covid so you have to get out and do some searching around.)
--How did you find your running group? There are loads of them in DC and you might need to do research to find ones aimed at single adults. The Post has run lists of running clubs in the past and I bet if you chat with people at a DC running store they can tell you all about the vibes and reputations of various groups so you can find a friendlier one.
--Volunteering is a great way to meet people with similar interests but get beyond soup kitchens. Can you volunteer at a marathon or fun run? You'd meet other runners that way too. What else is important to you that you want to support with volunteering? Did you choose the soup kitchen just becasue it was available or because it's of special interest? Follow your interests.
--If you have any inclination toward a faith or ethical group, those are wonderful ways to meet people. Look for a congregation or group with a lot of adults your age. If you are not religious per se, there are "ethical humanist" groups that meet regularly.
--The Post and DCist.com etc. have lots of listings.

I understand, I really do -- it is hard enough to break in , in a new city, in regular times, but now it's even harder! But:

(1) If you bail and move again as soon as your lease is up, as someone suggested above, you will be right back in the same position you are now--in a new place, knowing no one, working from home. Why not double down on really researching what there is to do in DC?

(2) You sound very resigned to focusing on your sister and not on yourself. She advised you to try living here but note that she didn't adivse you to move right into their suburb. You're single. You're in the city. It's fantastic she's nearby but you can and should be living a life quite different from hers.

(3) The key word in your post was "summer." I think your sister maybe didn't prepare you to expect what fall is like in a family with kids aroundhere. Life truly is different once kids return to school and extracurricular activities, and spouses' work schedules get heavier (as they do, in fall, for many folks). Parents go back to being chauffeurs, monitors of homework and practice time. And on weekends in the school year, to be blunt, there is a need for carving out family time of just parents plus kids, because during the week they all don't necessarily see much of each other except to Get Things Done. I think maybe you'd say, "I know all that, but...." But summer was your time to settle and now is a great time to take the moments you're spending on DCUM and spend them instead on researching all the stuff there is to do in DC. And you will not necessarily meet new best friends or dates for long while, to be honest, but you will have a lot of fun along the way IF you can be open to that.

Meanwhile-- offer sometimes to babysit the kids or take them to do something and give your sister and BIL half a Saturday off for a date, too. That will earn you big points as favorite aunt. But mostly focus on you, and on getting to know the city rather than pining for last summer's time with your sister. She will have time for you again. She is not ditching you -- she is doing what anyone with school-aged kids has to do in fall and winter. The more she sees you understand that, and the more she sees you getting out and making an effort on your own, the better both of you will get along. DC really has so much to offer, don't let it go undiscovered.




This entire post was *chef's kiss* perfection! 🥰

If you listen to no other advice in this entire thread OP, listen to this wonderful person.



+2.

OP, I really feel for you. I WAS you, making the opposite move TO NYC and having almost the same experience. My sibling lived there and while I wasn’t expecting nearly as much time with their family as you are, I got almost none. My sibling’s spouse severely limited the time the could spend with me. I wasn’t planning on them being my only social network, but what I never realized was how very hard it was going to be to meet people. By a certain age, it’s just a fact that most people who are your peers are married and even have kids. I’m on the other side now, almost 15 years later, and I can attest to have overwhelmingly busy and exhausting it can be to have young kids, but I also experienced how soul-crushingly lonely it is to be single in a world full of marrieds.

This poster above has great suggestions. But also, did you have friends outside of your relationship in NYC? If you had single friends and/or groups that you belonged in and knew people there, I would seriously consider moving back. Not to a brand new city, where you will be repeating your DC experience with even less support. You need to be where your tribe will include a lot of other singles so there are people often available to meet up - for a run, for drinks, to hit up a museum, etc. a family with children is not it. If you didn’t have that in nyc, then try the options PP listed here. Absolutely seek out things you have a strong interest in, because that is where you will find people you are compatible with, shared interests. Go into it not looking for a boyfriend or immediate bestie, but to build a network of friends.

The loneliness really sucks OP, I know. And people who got married in their 20s or shortly after just will never get what it’s like to be single and lonely in a world that seems to be passing you by. But there ARE other people out there like you, looking for friends. You just need to find them. I wish you tons of luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

New poster. Hey, OP:

--The Smithsonian has a supporters' group for under-40s. Used to have a lot of social events, cocktail hours, etc. pre-covid and likely will return to that.
--Did you go to college? Your college might have an alumni group here in DC. Alumni groups have happy hours, lectures, other events. DC alumni groups sometimes tend to be especially active, it seems.
--The National Zoo also used to have a supporters' group aimed at younger adults and I know people who used to go to events with that group at the Zoo. (I keep saying "used to" because this is all pre-Covid so you have to get out and do some searching around.)
--How did you find your running group? There are loads of them in DC and you might need to do research to find ones aimed at single adults. The Post has run lists of running clubs in the past and I bet if you chat with people at a DC running store they can tell you all about the vibes and reputations of various groups so you can find a friendlier one.
--Volunteering is a great way to meet people with similar interests but get beyond soup kitchens. Can you volunteer at a marathon or fun run? You'd meet other runners that way too. What else is important to you that you want to support with volunteering? Did you choose the soup kitchen just becasue it was available or because it's of special interest? Follow your interests.
--If you have any inclination toward a faith or ethical group, those are wonderful ways to meet people. Look for a congregation or group with a lot of adults your age. If you are not religious per se, there are "ethical humanist" groups that meet regularly.
--The Post and DCist.com etc. have lots of listings.

I understand, I really do -- it is hard enough to break in , in a new city, in regular times, but now it's even harder! But:

(1) If you bail and move again as soon as your lease is up, as someone suggested above, you will be right back in the same position you are now--in a new place, knowing no one, working from home. Why not double down on really researching what there is to do in DC?

(2) You sound very resigned to focusing on your sister and not on yourself. She advised you to try living here but note that she didn't adivse you to move right into their suburb. You're single. You're in the city. It's fantastic she's nearby but you can and should be living a life quite different from hers.

(3) The key word in your post was "summer." I think your sister maybe didn't prepare you to expect what fall is like in a family with kids aroundhere. Life truly is different once kids return to school and extracurricular activities, and spouses' work schedules get heavier (as they do, in fall, for many folks). Parents go back to being chauffeurs, monitors of homework and practice time. And on weekends in the school year, to be blunt, there is a need for carving out family time of just parents plus kids, because during the week they all don't necessarily see much of each other except to Get Things Done. I think maybe you'd say, "I know all that, but...." But summer was your time to settle and now is a great time to take the moments you're spending on DCUM and spend them instead on researching all the stuff there is to do in DC. And you will not necessarily meet new best friends or dates for long while, to be honest, but you will have a lot of fun along the way IF you can be open to that.

Meanwhile-- offer sometimes to babysit the kids or take them to do something and give your sister and BIL half a Saturday off for a date, too. That will earn you big points as favorite aunt. But mostly focus on you, and on getting to know the city rather than pining for last summer's time with your sister. She will have time for you again. She is not ditching you -- she is doing what anyone with school-aged kids has to do in fall and winter. The more she sees you understand that, and the more she sees you getting out and making an effort on your own, the better both of you will get along. DC really has so much to offer, don't let it go undiscovered.

This entire post was *chef's kiss* perfection! 🥰

If you listen to no other advice in this entire thread OP, listen to this wonderful person.


o .

+2.

OP, I really feel for you. I WAS you, making the opposite move TO NYC and having almost the same experience. My sibling lived there and while I wasn’t expecting nearly as much time with their family as you are, I got almost none. My sibling’s spouse severely limited the time the could spend with me. I wasn’t planning on them being my only social network, but what I never realized was how very hard it was going to be to meet people. By a certain age, it’s just a fact that most people who are your peers are married and even have kids. I’m on the other side now, almost 15 years later, and I can attest to have overwhelmingly busy and exhausting it can be to have young kids, but I also experienced how soul-crushingly lonely it is to be single in a world full of marrieds.

This poster above has great suggestions. But also, did you have friends outside of your relationship in NYC? If you had single friends and/or groups that you belonged in and knew people there, I would seriously consider moving back. Not to a brand new city, where you will be repeating your DC experience with even less support. You need to be where your tribe will include a lot of other singles so there are people often available to meet up - for a run, for drinks, to hit up a museum, etc. a family with children is not it. If you didn’t have that in nyc, then try the options PP listed here. Absolutely seek out things you have a strong interest in, because that is where you will find people you are compatible with, shared interests. Go into it not looking for a boyfriend or immediate bestie, but to build a network of friends.

The loneliness really sucks OP, I know. And people who got married in their 20s or shortly after just will never get what it’s like to be single and lonely in a world that seems to be passing you by. But there ARE other people out there like you, looking for friends. You just need to find them. I wish you tons of luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was in NYC for 10 years, sister in DC.
A relationship that I thought was headed to marriage ended and I hated my job. My sister suggested I relocate to DC for a change of pace, saying basically, "We'll be right down the street, can hang out all the time, it'll be great." I was so lonely and adrift after the breakup (mutual but we were together 10 years and lived together for six) that I was so eager to feel part of a family again. I said OK.
I visited a few times, looked at apartments with her, and decided to go for it. I knew if nothing else I'd have my sister and her family (husband and two kids) nearby, and I have some college friends there too. I can WFH thanks to COVID indefinitely with my current job so finally in June I just said screw it, I'm going to try something new and I moved to DC -- my sister lives in a town outside the city but close in on the subway.
We looked for apartments together one more time, I signed a lease, and here I am.
During the summer I hung out a lot at my sister's...she would have me for dinner a lot, I'd hang out and watch TV with them or play with my nieces.
Now, three months into my being here, I feel like she's ghosting me.

I ask to come over for dinner and she says they're busy. The kids seem to have stuff every night of the week which seems crazy but OK. I asked to work from her house sometimes because my apartment is so quiet and I'm lonely...like really lonely without my ex of 10 years...and she said sure, so I had been working there, but then she said that her husband's work schedule was ramping up and he'd be on calls a lot so I should plan to work from my own apartment more (even though I work on the other side of the house). Then this Sunday on my weekly chat with my parents, my mom said...maybe after a glass of wine, cannot tell...that I really need to give my sister more breathing room because "you know, she has a family." As if I am a nobody without a "Family" so cannot possibly have needs.

I don't know why the hell my sister told me to move here. My mom's comment has upset me so much. I feel so alone. I am so mad at my sister. Any ideas... thanks dcum.

Summer is NOT the same as during the school year. It's crazy how busy the school year is, and I only have two daughters (no idea how many your sister has). I don't think we're overly scheduled but we are generally very busy and having people over for dinner, etc. isn't something that happens regularly during the school year. At least not at the rate it seems you are used to.

Use this time to branch out and make your own friends and find your own place. DC has no shortage of things to do and places to go and people to meet!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You were supposed to have developed your own life by now. You’ve been here months. Make friends and get some hobbies.

It is really hard to create a whole new life from scratch more or less in three months and I am trying. It is very hard during covid to meet people because first of all I don't have an office to go to where there are after work happy hours and stuff. I signed on to do shifts at a soup kitchen and it is mainly older women. I jog at Rock Creek Park and even joined a running group but everyone seems either married or not into making friends. I feel hopeless and sad.

Try a dating app, even if you're not looking for anything serious.

Try Meet Up or whatever.

Join a gym (I assume you're vaccinated?).

Get a dog or just walk around your neighborhood and be friendly.

Is there an HOA for your neighborhood or building? Get involved.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am so sorry. Sister relationships are hard. How old are you? Being new in town during this time was probably really odd. Start building your own network. The good thing is that DC is a city filled with transplants, so you will be able to find friends if you just get out there. I always tell newcomers to consider the Junior League. It is filled with women who are eager to volunteer, make friends and do social stuff. It might be exactly what you need to find some friends.

Your sister is probable overwhelmed by managing life and kids. Adding another person into the mix who is always there and feels like they NEED her is probably driving a mom of young kids nuts. I have had similar feelings about a younger relative of mine who lives locally. I'm glad I read your post because it is helping me to frame her perceived neediness better.

Don't give up on your sister. Give her some space and try to branch out a bit. You can do it!

[Anonymous]

Also OP, summer with kids is way easy. School year means things get more regimented, and there is less wiggle room to hang. Kids need to go to bed earlier and with any after school activity, it makes weeknights for working parents really hectic and crappy. Once I get my kid in bed after a day at school, work for me, an activity, dinner, homework, bath and bedtime, I have nothing left. I am zonked! So, it really could be that sort of thing at play also.