Moved at the suggestion of my sister, and now she's ditched me

[Anonymous]

I’ve had to restart my life a few times. My go-to was to become a regular at 2-3 bars. I did Sundays at a place with a nice outdoor area where I could bring my dog, Tuesday at a dive near my house, Thursdays at a dive downtown. I met so many great people in a short window because I was there regularly. It was definitely work to commit to that schedule, especially given that I wasn’t trying to get drunk every time. The bartenders knew my situation after a couple weeks and would introduce me to other regulars.

In terms of being lonely while working, I’ve been remote for 7 years and having a cowork space is the best. I pay $200 a month for unlimited access to the cowork area, but there’s also $100 memberships that give 5 days a month and lounge access. Everyone was a remote worker, so we sort of became our own office with a culture and would have coffee or lunch together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait for them to invite you over. Stop initiating contact for now. Explore as many other interests that you can think of.

This is the best advice. My husband would be so unbelievably annoyed if my sister was teleworking at my house every day. I can’t even imagine why you think that is even remotely a reasonable thing to ask.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are being too clingy.

Your sister loves you, but you are beyond more than she can handle.

My sister is my bestfriend, and we see each other about twice a week. It's already too much for me, but she needs it at this point(temporary situation, and she knows that). I cannot imagine having her come over every single day. That would be unbearable.

Make other friends. You cannot get that many of your needs met by one person who has to give so much to her children and DH as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Her husband didn’t expect that you would be living with them for months and months. It sounds like your sister didn’t either.

She has her own apartment according to the post

Driving over there every day, to hang out and even to work while they’re trying to work (!) is living there.

+1

I couldn't do this. OP's sister is patient. I love my sisters, but nope. This is too much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I'd call my sister and tell her all this. I'd tell her I didn't realize I had become such a burden to her and was interrupting her life with her family so much. I was hoping to have some support from my sister as this is a particularly hard time. I get it if you can't do that anymore, but it would have been better if you had told me that yourself instead of running to mom to do your dirty work.
I may or may not give her a chance to explain herself. I may just hang up.

Then I'd ghost her.

I'd also skip the next 2 Sunday calls from your parents

.

Don’t do this OP. You don’t need to add confrontation to an already sensitive situation. Your sister may not have handled things perfectly, but neither did you, and the best thing to do is focus on making changes going forward.

[Anonymous]

Get a dog. Seriously! You can meet all kinds of people when you have a dog, and they are the perfect work from home companion. Become a regular at the local dog park, return conversation from the many people that will come up to pet your dog while you are walking and jogging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Join a church (one that has many fellowship opportunities which means church members meeting others, so happy hours, dinners, other social events, I’m Episcopalian and we have them for new members, for parents, for under 40, for singles, etc), join your college local alumni/ae group which should also have social activities, look into meet ups, join a team sport, join a larger volunteer organization (JLW, Jaycees, etc) and do an “in placement” to meet more people.

I am sure it’s really hard during Covid, WFH and being single but get out there!!!!! You can do it.

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I'd call my sister and tell her all this. I'd tell her I didn't realize I had become such a burden to her and was interrupting her life with her family so much. I was hoping to have some support from my sister as this is a particularly hard time. I get it if you can't do that anymore, but it would have been better if you had told me that yourself instead of running to mom to do your dirty work.
I may or may not give her a chance to explain herself. I may just hang up.

Then I'd ghost her.

I'd also skip the next 2 Sunday calls from your parents


Sign up for all the things that you have wanted to do, Be the fabulous person you are. If you don't like DC enough to stay move back to NYC or somewhere else.
.

There is a great difference between some support vs. all support. You cannot get all your needs met by one person. Her sister is not a bottomless barrel of support. She is human; she gets tired of supporting too.

OP's sister was wrong to tell her mother, but if OP is this unaware of just how much she is depending on her sister, it's possible that her sister told her to scale back and she did not listen.

OP's sister has been amazing(coming over every single day? - does OP help while she is there or does she take time away from other pressing things that her sister has to do?). OP should scale down to once or twice a week. And she should offer support to her sister in some way. The period of "emergency" support is gone. The relationship has to be mutually supportive now.

[Anonymous]

Visit therapist. Get screened for depression. Go to Meetup.com, and find groups to join.

You’re asking too much of your sister and her family.

[Anonymous]

She hasn't ditched you. She has been attempting to set boundaries.

[Anonymous]

This is a lesson for you on how to be alone. It's a talent and it's something you need to learn. Imagine you have kids and become single you can't fall apart or expect others to pick up the pieces.

I think the best thing that can happen to a person is a big break up.

You should see a therapist but not for long, maybe 5-6 meetings to work out how to be alone.

You need to join a gym, find a meet up, do yoga, join a golf club, take kayaking lessons, learn rock climbing (EarthTreks) etc. Get an instrument and learn how to play using youtube.

As for your sister... it's her husband not her and she has an obligation to him 1st. Also, some day your H will ask you to do something that will be unpleasing to your family and you will expect them to be supportive.

Call you sister and ask her how many times a week is a good number. Also, why don't you offer to drive the kids once a week in the evening.

When you go, bring dinner, drive the kids to practice, babysit, do the dishes.

What are you doing that makes you something other than more wok?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She hasn't ditched you. She has been attempting to set boundaries.

Agree with this. Ultimately it is way better that she is doing this now. Pre-COVID, I’ve let my sister visit for 12-15 days at Xmas and now realize that that was not good, especially for my husband who I now realize felt like his privacy and home were being invaded for the whole holiday season.

[Anonymous]

Your constant presence may be causing marital problems for her. She may have difficulty hearing about how hard your break up has been when she is worried if she can keep her marriage together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
There was the unspoken expectation that you would eventually become independent, OP. Your sister didn't mean "hang out with us forever". She meant "hang out with us while you get back on your feet and then come over occasionally". And it's true that two working parents wrangling school-aged kids can be HECTIC. Seriously draining. I manage well because I stay home, but I see my working friends with several kids, and how they juggling their lives, and it's really tough.

Your family loves you, OP. But they do need some breathing room, as your mother puts it.

+1. OP back to school changes the family schedule and you coming over during the week with homework etc is just too much. Also brother in law certainly was not expecting you to work from his home. Sister does love you but you need more support than she expected. With COVID and no office to go to finding new friends is tough. Three months is not that long at all. Continue to look for new groups, volunteer opportunities etc. Go to interesting MeetUp groups if they are in person. Give the running group more time. DC has active kickball and volleyball groups. Chat up your neighbors. But you need to give your sister and her family some breathing space.

[Anonymous]

NP

Op, you are focusing on your sister as a problem to avoid facing your actual problem: you wasted your 10 best years on some dude and now you are back to square one. Clearly you are the kind of person who needs family. But your sister cannot be your primary family anymore. What happened to your boyfriend, is this at all salvageable? If not you need to focus all your energies on finding a husband (not dating). Spending time with your sister and her family actually detracts from that. Look for a job with an office time and of you like dogs, get a dog.