Talk me off a ledge- other side of the world and just discovered cheating

[Anonymous]

Attend the funeral service. Don't attend anything else. Your IL's will understand.

[Anonymous]

OP, i think you are handling this better than most of us commenting on this thread would. You should take a moment to give yourself a serious pat on the back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Once DH told me he was going to tell his family, I did tell SIL and she was wonderfully supportive. I told her which day DH was planning in calling his brother and said I KNOW that I'm putting her in an awkward spot and no hard feelings on my end if she feels she has to tell her husband first. She didn't tell him. She overnighted a 2 page handwritten card.

Dh and I both felt it was just easiest if his family knows. We knew we had this week looming with tons of people in town and there's no way we could book this entire week end to end with visits, outings, dinners, let people stay here, etc. We were also in the midst of planning a family vacation with his family. His parents watch our youngest one day a week and I usually stay 30 mins at both drop off and pick up to catch up with them. DH may have to stay there at some point while we are figuring stuff out.

Honestly, maybe this is ridiculous but lying or being fake stresses me the F out. My coworkers give me sh-t because I can't even white lie to clients. If something is going on, I call them and talk through it. I just have zero interst of putting up a supportive wife front this week. I also couldn't not show up at his grandma's services and have my MIL think I'm not supporting her. She's been my second mom since I was 18.

MIL was angry at DH at first. FIL was softer and more positive about the future (as expected).

None of them have poked or proded other than to let us know they can help with extra childcare or other tasks if needed. FIL has sent me 3 really kind, encouraging messages since. MIL messaged me once to say that she's so sorry this is the situation and no matter what the result, the kids will always be priority and they're here for anything we may need to support that.

Sounds like they have a very nice family. Good luck this week op.

[Anonymous]

What a nice family you have …

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Dh's immediate family all knows now- MIL, FIL, BIL (his brother), and SIL (brothers wife)

Jesus. This seems like a huge mistake.

I don't think it is. If would more likely be a huge mistake if she were to tell her family and then decide to reconcile. Our families have a harder time forgiving the person who transgressed against us than we do. It permanently changes our opinions of a cheater. But a cheater's family can help hold the cheater to account.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Dh's immediate family all knows now- MIL, FIL, BIL (his brother), and SIL (brothers wife)

Jesus. This seems like a huge mistake.

I don't think it is. If would more likely be a huge mistake if she were to tell her family and then decide to reconcile. Our families have a harder time forgiving the person who transgressed against us than we do. It permanently changes our opinions of a cheater. But a cheater's family can help hold the cheater to account.

As a victim of infidelity. I think both families should know. I told my parents. In the interest of my kids (their grandkids), they have always behaved correctly and politely around my now exH. They have never said anything about the infidelity. They have been wonderfully supportive of me and the kids, repeatedly stepping in to fill their dad’s shoes whenever he fails as a father and repeatedly staying out of the way without a word when he is capable of spending time with the kids. My exDH knows that they know what he did, because I told him that I would not cut off my friends and family by keeping the secret of his infidelity from them because that would also cut off my forms of support.

I don’t think he ever told his family or friends the real reason we broke up. As a result, my relationship with them diminished to nothingness. For a long time when I still saw his family frequently, they misinterpreted my presence because they didn’t know about all his problems. I couldn’t be authentic around them and thus really couldn’t reciprocate any kind of contact. Same for a cadre of friends who were actually mutual, professional friends. I lost them all because it was so uncomfortable to keep secrets. His failure to be willing to tell the truth and my willingness to keep that secret has had lifelong deep negative impacts that I am still struggling to impact, particularly with my kids.

If your DH wants to make things right and be accountable, he has to own his infidelity in front of everyone, with your approval, and you have to be able to talk about it with whomever you wish.

Absent that kind of radical honesty and transparency, everyone is really just replaying a two-faced drama writ large - how do we make ourselves look good in front of others regardless of the shambles life really is - that is the cheater’s essential nature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Dh's immediate family all knows now- MIL, FIL, BIL (his brother), and SIL (brothers wife)

Jesus. This seems like a huge mistake.

I don't think it is. If would more likely be a huge mistake if she were to tell her family and then decide to reconcile. Our families have a harder time forgiving the person who transgressed against us than we do. It permanently changes our opinions of a cheater. But a cheater's family can help hold the cheater to account.

As a victim of infidelity. I think both families should know. I told my parents. In the interest of my kids (their grandkids), they have always behaved correctly and politely around my now exH. They have never said anything about the infidelity. They have been wonderfully supportive of me and the kids, repeatedly stepping in to fill their dad’s shoes whenever he fails as a father and repeatedly staying out of the way without a word when he is capable of spending time with the kids. My exDH knows that they know what he did, because I told him that I would not cut off my friends and family by keeping the secret of his infidelity from them because that would also cut off my forms of support.

I don’t think he ever told his family or friends the real reason we broke up. As a result, my relationship with them diminished to nothingness. For a long time when I still saw his family frequently, they misinterpreted my presence because they didn’t know about all his problems. I couldn’t be authentic around them and thus really couldn’t reciprocate any kind of contact. Same for a cadre of friends who were actually mutual, professional friends. I lost them all because it was so uncomfortable to keep secrets. His failure to be willing to tell the truth and my willingness to keep that secret has had lifelong deep negative impacts that I am still struggling to impact, particularly with my kids.

If your DH wants to make things right and be accountable, he has to own his infidelity in front of everyone, with your approval, and you have to be able to talk about it with whomever you wish.

Absent that kind of radical honesty and transparency, everyone is really just replaying a two-faced drama writ large - how do we make ourselves look good in front of others regardless of the shambles life really is - that is the cheater’s essential nature.

Agreed - after OP has decided what she wants to do. If they divorce, everyone should know why. If they reconcile, it will forever change all those relationships, and in a negative way, unnecessarily. Another BTDT, btw.

[Anonymous]

I found out about the affair a few weeks before my MIL was coming to visit. The counselor suggested that we make up a reason for tension between us -- financial or whatnot -- so that we could have a cover story. It was good advice. My MIL is a hot mess express and nothing good would have come from looping her in, but that doesn't mean I had to grin and bear it while she was visiting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Dh's immediate family all knows now- MIL, FIL, BIL (his brother), and SIL (brothers wife)

Jesus. This seems like a huge mistake.

I don't think it is. If would more likely be a huge mistake if she were to tell her family and then decide to reconcile. Our families have a harder time forgiving the person who transgressed against us than we do. It permanently changes our opinions of a cheater. But a cheater's family can help hold the cheater to account.

As a victim of infidelity. I think both families should know. I told my parents. In the interest of my kids (their grandkids), they have always behaved correctly and politely around my now exH. They have never said anything about the infidelity. They have been wonderfully supportive of me and the kids, repeatedly stepping in to fill their dad’s shoes whenever he fails as a father and repeatedly staying out of the way without a word when he is capable of spending time with the kids. My exDH knows that they know what he did, because I told him that I would not cut off my friends and family by keeping the secret of his infidelity from them because that would also cut off my forms of support.

I don’t think he ever told his family or friends the real reason we broke up. As a result, my relationship with them diminished to nothingness. For a long time when I still saw his family frequently, they misinterpreted my presence because they didn’t know about all his problems. I couldn’t be authentic around them and thus really couldn’t reciprocate any kind of contact. Same for a cadre of friends who were actually mutual, professional friends. I lost them all because it was so uncomfortable to keep secrets. His failure to be willing to tell the truth and my willingness to keep that secret has had lifelong deep negative impacts that I am still struggling to impact, particularly with my kids.

If your DH wants to make things right and be accountable, he has to own his infidelity in front of everyone, with your approval, and you have to be able to talk about it with whomever you wish.

Absent that kind of radical honesty and transparency, everyone is really just replaying a two-faced drama writ large - how do we make ourselves look good in front of others regardless of the shambles life really is - that is the cheater’s essential nature.

Agreed - after OP has decided what she wants to do. If they divorce, everyone should know why. If they reconcile, it will forever change all those relationships, and in a negative way, unnecessarily. Another BTDT, btw.

I strongly disagree. I remained with my then DH for 2.5 years trying to work it out. The secrecy was very detrimental to my mental health. It separated me from any support. It left me at the mercy of my then DH. Secrecy is no way to maintain a marriage. Of course, you don’t have to discuss with family members that you don’t view as supportive. But making me keep a secret just because MIL or SIL can’t cope appropriately with it is just levying the consequences of my spouses bad behavior on me - the undeserving victim.

[Anonymous]

This is moving way too fast, speed will not ameliorate your grief and since you’re involving others who have no concern in your marriage it will only make any sort of detente that much more difficult if you choose to stay together.

Stop talking to anyone but your respective therapists.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is moving way too fast, speed will not ameliorate your grief and since you’re involving others who have no concern in your marriage it will only make any sort of detente that much more difficult if you choose to stay together.

Stop talking to anyone but your respective therapists.

That ship has sailed, though. I don't know if you read OP's earliest posts but the two extended families are extremely enmeshed; OP and the DH have been togehter since they were teenagers and their families are all close, do things together even without OP or her DH there, etc. While some of us would not be telling anyone anything for quite a while yet, it seems pretty much a given that in this couple, the families would find out or be told quite early.

The key now is for OP and her DH NOT to use their families as sounding boards, I think, in case things really start to sour and head for separation/divorce and relatives begin taking sides. OP, I understand why some family now knows, but take care that neither you nor DH is venting to or leaning on family too much -- I really strongly suggest this come up wth the various therapists, who need to understand how enmeshed your two families really are. I would think the therapists (yours, DH's, a couples therapist) would likely say not to turn family into sounding boards here. You need people to lean on but Im not sure that that can be family members, in this case. See what the therapists recommend and adhere to that, whatever it ends up being.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Dhs family doesn't know any details other than he had a long term affair. They didn't ask any questions. I did tell my best friend of 20+ years the details because I was dying to have support and a confidant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Dhs family doesn't know any details other than he had a long term affair. They didn't ask any questions. I did tell my best friend of 20+ years the details because I was dying to have support and a confidant.

It is astounding if they had no questions. Not even “How do you feel?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Dhs family doesn't know any details other than he had a long term affair. They didn't ask any questions. I did tell my best friend of 20+ years the details because I was dying to have support and a confidant.

It is astounding if they had no questions. Not even “How do you feel?”

Oh yeah I mean they definitely asked how we are reach doing, what kind of support we need, offered to help extra with the kids, but they didn't ask anything about the affair itself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Dhs family doesn't know any details other than he had a long term affair. They didn't ask any questions. I did tell my best friend of 20+ years the details because I was dying to have support and a confidant.

This seems a bit disingenuous. Didn't he sleep with her ONCE?