Talk me off a ledge- other side of the world and just discovered cheating

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just an FYI - I sought out a post-nup and the attorneys I saw all advised me that even good ones are really easy to throw out in court. So, they are expensive to write and basically unenforceable. Many states now have no-fault divorce with strict formulas. You get what state law allows, regardless of the post-nup.

Really your best and only protection is therapy. Personally, I don't think couples therapy is especially helpful either. Each of you needs to see your own therapist. You have to decide what you want and can live with.

I sought out a postnup and this was not the advice I got. There are some serious bars that a postnup has to cross (both parties have to be represented, it can't be so unbalanced that it's contrary to public policy, it can't deal with anything related to child custody or child support, because those are rights of the children, etc). But "unenforceable" is not the sum of all of that.

And it wasn't that expensive--somewhere between $1k and $2k.

OP, I agree that you should see a lawyer about a postnup sooner than later. Like next couple of weeks. Because I think the poster talking about how your husband is likely to reach the conclusion that he's made only one mistake and deserves to be back on even footing with you sooner than later is pointing to a very real risk.

[Anonymous]

That's pretty tough talk while
conveniently forgetting that imperfect humans are involved. Right now her husband is feeling shame, relief, fear, dread. Sooner rather than later, all his pronouncements of contrition will turn into resentment. he has already stated that in his mind, this was " is one big mistake." so he's already coming from this from a place of diminishing, even if he is otherwise saying all the right things, picking up the physical work in the house wife grieves and spirals. The power dynamic will shift daily in the relationship. One day OP will feel empowered to make demands the next day. Her husband will push back with the old lame "what else can I do? I'll never make you happy."and then suddenly Opie will feel powerless lots of therapy and OP. You need to be honest with yourself.

This comes across as smug and makes a ton of assumptions, probably based on your own experience. But your experience is not universal. His contrition may remain and might never touch resentment, and true remorse might mean that the power dynamic never changes. The point is, you just don't know and OP cannot yet know these things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's clear to me that OP knows deep down she's going to stay. For Now she wants to punish him. Which is completely reasonable. But her husband will grow weary of it too and at some point, sooner rather than later, will throw his hands up. OP, if you know you really do want to get past this and keep your family intact, you'll be honest with yourself about that.

I'm sure you mean well, but this translates as, "Quick, you'd better start reassuring the guy who betrayed your marriage vows and lied to you daily for 3 years, in case HE decides he doesn't want YOU any more. Processing the trauma of betrayal is just punishing the poor guy! Just sweep it under the rug already!"

The world hasn't stopped spinning at 3 weeks out yet. The only people who "know deep down that they're going to stay" at 3 weeks are the people who find being alone scarier than staying with a cheater.

[Anonymous]

Op here.

It's going to be A Week.

BIL, SIL, and their kids (my kids only cousins) are coming in tomorrow through Sunday.

DH's grandma's wake and funeral are Wednesday and Thursday (not sure what I'm going to do about these yet).

SIL and I are supposed to be going out just us two Thursday night.

DH's entire extended family is flying in for the services. No one is staying here, but still feeling really awkward about seeing or not seeing everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here.

It's going to be A Week.

BIL, SIL, and their kids (my kids only cousins) are coming in tomorrow through Sunday.

DH's grandma's wake and funeral are Wednesday and Thursday (not sure what I'm going to do about these yet).

SIL and I are supposed to be going out just us two Thursday night.

DH's entire extended family is flying in for the services. No one is staying here, but still feeling really awkward about seeing or not seeing everyone.

You gotta cancel the SIL. Tell her you're not feeling well-- because that's true. You need the break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here.

It's going to be A Week.

BIL, SIL, and their kids (my kids only cousins) are coming in tomorrow through Sunday.

DH's grandma's wake and funeral are Wednesday and Thursday (not sure what I'm going to do about these yet).

SIL and I are supposed to be going out just us two Thursday night.

DH's entire extended family is flying in for the services. No one is staying here, but still feeling really awkward about seeing or not seeing everyone.

You gotta cancel the SIL. Tell her you're not feeling well-- because that's true. You need the break.

I read the early pages of this thread but havne't kept up. Have you told his family yet? does he know you know?

[Anonymous]

I think you previously said that you and your SIL were reasonably close, and you were thinking about confiding in her when you first found out, so I agree with PP that you should probably cancel. DH's grandmother's funeral is not the time for this to inadvertantly come to light.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Dh's immediate family all knows now- MIL, FIL, BIL (his brother), and SIL (brothers wife)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you previously said that you and your SIL were reasonably close, and you were thinking about confiding in her when you first found out, so I agree with PP that you should probably cancel. DH's grandmother's funeral is not the time for this to inadvertantly come to light.

+1

I'm another who recalls that you said you are close to this SIL. They'll be visiting and it looks like that can't be changed but I'd find ways to get out of the just-you-two outings to catch up. If you haven't told her yet, you are likely to drop your guard when out with her and let her know. I agree with PP that the timing right now would only make this all tougher. Even if she told no one, not even her DH (which honestly I find doubtful), you'd be at the funeral and associated events knowing she knew, wondering if she'd felt she had to unburden herself to her DH, etc. Consider being too tired to go out, or invent a kid-related reason, or just say, oh, let's stay in with the kids and order in and watch a movie with them, etc.

I also said many pages ago that though I do not doubt you love your SIL and genuinely are close, you should proceed with caution. You were thinking, at first, of confiding in her, so you'd have someone somewhere who knew and to whom you could unload. I totally understand that feeling but a family member, even one to whom you are close emotionally, is not the place to do this right now. Depending on her relationship with her husband she may feel she has to tell him; if she feels she should, but does not, that puts her into the difficult position of keeping secrets from him. You also cannot fully know if she would be an objective sounding board; or side with you and support you; or feel she had to step back from your friendship because this is her DH's sibling (if I recall the relationships right). She may not even find the idea of a one-time sexual fling plus texting/sexting to be as big a betrayal as you feel it is (and as it ACTUALLY is, I agree that it is cheating and a huge betrayal). Please vent to the therapist and not to her, especially not now. Get out of those one on one outings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you previously said that you and your SIL were reasonably close, and you were thinking about confiding in her when you first found out, so I agree with PP that you should probably cancel. DH's grandmother's funeral is not the time for this to inadvertantly come to light.

+1

I'm another who recalls that you said you are close to this SIL. They'll be visiting and it looks like that can't be changed but I'd find ways to get out of the just-you-two outings to catch up. If you haven't told her yet, you are likely to drop your guard when out with her and let her know. I agree with PP that the timing right now would only make this all tougher. Even if she told no one, not even her DH (which honestly I find doubtful), you'd be at the funeral and associated events knowing she knew, wondering if she'd felt she had to unburden herself to her DH, etc. Consider being too tired to go out, or invent a kid-related reason, or just say, oh, let's stay in with the kids and order in and watch a movie with them, etc.

I also said many pages ago that though I do not doubt you love your SIL and genuinely are close, you should proceed with caution. You were thinking, at first, of confiding in her, so you'd have someone somewhere who knew and to whom you could unload. I totally understand that feeling but a family member, even one to whom you are close emotionally, is not the place to do this right now. Depending on her relationship with her husband she may feel she has to tell him; if she feels she should, but does not, that puts her into the difficult position of keeping secrets from him. You also cannot fully know if she would be an objective sounding board; or side with you and support you; or feel she had to step back from your friendship because this is her DH's sibling (if I recall the relationships right). She may not even find the idea of a one-time sexual fling plus texting/sexting to be as big a betrayal as you feel it is (and as it ACTUALLY is, I agree that it is cheating and a huge betrayal). Please vent to the therapist and not to her, especially not now. Get out of those one on one outings.

Ugh, sorry, I wrote this and looks like I posted it at exactly the same time you posted that DH's family all know now. Sorry. Didn't mean to be insensitive.
I hope they are all taking it with due respect for your space and privacy, OP. I also hope DH isn't trying to spin anything with any of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Dh's immediate family all knows now- MIL, FIL, BIL (his brother), and SIL (brothers wife)

This makes dinner with your SIL easier to cancel, if you're not feeling up to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Dh's immediate family all knows now- MIL, FIL, BIL (his brother), and SIL (brothers wife)

How did they react? Who told them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Dh's immediate family all knows now- MIL, FIL, BIL (his brother), and SIL (brothers wife)

Jesus. This seems like a huge mistake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Dh's immediate family all knows now- MIL, FIL, BIL (his brother), and SIL (brothers wife)

This makes dinner with your SIL easier to cancel, if you're not feeling up to it.

Maybe OP really wants to go out with her SIL.

[Anonymous]

Once DH told me he was going to tell his family, I did tell SIL and she was wonderfully supportive. I told her which day DH was planning in calling his brother and said I KNOW that I'm putting her in an awkward spot and no hard feelings on my end if she feels she has to tell her husband first. She didn't tell him. She overnighted a 2 page handwritten card.

Dh and I both felt it was just easiest if his family knows. We knew we had this week looming with tons of people in town and there's no way we could book this entire week end to end with visits, outings, dinners, let people stay here, etc. We were also in the midst of planning a family vacation with his family. His parents watch our youngest one day a week and I usually stay 30 mins at both drop off and pick up to catch up with them. DH may have to stay there at some point while we are figuring stuff out.

Honestly, maybe this is ridiculous but lying or being fake stresses me the F out. My coworkers give me sh-t because I can't even white lie to clients. If something is going on, I call them and talk through it. I just have zero interst of putting up a supportive wife front this week. I also couldn't not show up at his grandma's services and have my MIL think I'm not supporting her. She's been my second mom since I was 18.

MIL was angry at DH at first. FIL was softer and more positive about the future (as expected).

None of them have poked or proded other than to let us know they can help with extra childcare or other tasks if needed. FIL has sent me 3 really kind, encouraging messages since. MIL messaged me once to say that she's so sorry this is the situation and no matter what the result, the kids will always be priority and they're here for anything we may need to support that.