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Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)
Talk me off a ledge- other side of the world and just discovered cheating
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Anonymous
Yes plus 2.5-3 years of constant texting/calls/sexting |
Anonymous
This is not a 3 year affair in my mind. It's an affair, yes, but saying it's 3 years isn't quite honest. |
Anonymous
NP. Whatever you need to tell yourself. Normal people understand that sexting is a form of cheating. |
Anonymous
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This perspective was hashed out like 30 pages ago. It really doesn’t matter if you think what this guy did is an affair or long term or anything. What matters is that OP fees that it’s a big deal, involving years that now feel like lies.
It’s pretty pathetic that after 50+ pages of people’s pain, you felt the need to question the validity of that pain. |
Anonymous
Only takes one time to pass on herpes or hiv to his wife. With an old bartender, she's been around the block and then some. |
Anonymous
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I think part of the issue here--what makes it so painful perhaps--is that this wonderful 'tight knit' family, which is so rare (and I am frankly a bit envious ---both DH and I are products of divorce, we each have one parent who was/is selfish/checked out, I have another who is mentally ill, i don;t have any close siblings). ----anyway, this tight knit super enmeshed family that has surrounded and supported OP and her spouse since they were young adults may also be, in part, one of the factors in leading to the stupid and immature behavior that OP's dh was doing. Not that having a close family is bad or that anyone has ever done anything wrong, but again the intense closeness, the lack of fighting, etc--I wonder if OP's spouse was in some ways expressing unmet and unarticulated needs and desires through the affair and alcohol because in this family he never learned to grow up, to experience conflict, to deal with differences, to know himself apart from the larger unit that his way of doing so is through secretive behavior.
Not that its an excuse at all---but its like at some level he is still a child and the secrets, to me, seem to be what he craved as much as the attention and excitement. OP has mentioned some severe trauma in her past, so the tightknit family will register differently for her, hasnt'doesn't prevent her from growing up and being her own person. all of this is conjecture, but I suppose my one thought is that her DH really really needs to do individual therapy and not run to his/their family too much because the pattern may be part of his failure to grow up. |
Anonymous
You just disagreed with me, but I clearly said DH's family should know. I suggested that if OP wants to reconcile, her own family members might find it harder to forgive than she does. And that's why I wouldn't tell them yet. And who said anything about secrecy inside of a marriage? Not sure where you are going with that one, unless you think that your marriage is you, your spouse, and all of the members of both your families of origin. I do not. I think they are members of the family, but not the marriage. |
Anonymous
The emotional affair was clearly long-term. |
Anonymous
Of course it is a three year affair. This wasn't some one night stand that he never invested emotional energy into after having sex. This was three years of dishonesty and secrecy - and infidelity to his marital vows. |
Anonymous
And the sex was premeditated too . . . he met her on one trip and then kept in touch and slept with her on the next. I don't know why "just a one night stand" is all that better, but that's not what this was. Was this the worst affair I could think of? No, some affairs have elements that are worse in my book, like a sex addict who sees dozens of sex workers (though I've totally heard people say they would prefer that scenario because it lacks the emotional element) or someone who can lie smoothly and easily. But affairs are still traumatic betrayals and you don't get points for not making the totally unnecessary and unjustified traumatic betrayal slightly less traumatic than it could have been. |
Anonymous
In a lot of instances this one time and then years of intense texts and calls--missing family vacation to talk/text can be worse than a no-strings--no emotion thing. It's been shown women have a much harder time with emotional betrayal vs physical, whereas with men it's the opposite. I wouldn't want either, but OP read his messages/texts and what she saw was eye opening and horrifying (from her earlier posts). |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
Are you serious that you would rather have your DH f'ing someone regularly for 3 years, than him doing it once or twice and a lot of talk in between? Well, not me. |
Anonymous
No. I would not. I’m saying I’ve read for many it’s the declarations of love and planning a life together that bothers them more than a bang with no emotion, just sex. I read a lot on the topic and the difference between how men and women feel different types of affairs. The ones saying I love my spouse and I’m never leaving her w/ bare minimum contact (set a place) are easier handled than hours on the phone, hundreds of texts and private calls. I do think the former is easier to compartmentalize and not bleeding into daily life. But, yeah, the bodily fluid exchange and not knowing about it is a horrifying thought. |
Anonymous
There is not a hierarchy of pain in infidelity, nor is there a bright line above which everyone keeps a marriage and below which no one does. There is no “would you rather”; there is only what actually happened. Each person goes into marriage with different ideas about what kind of monogamy is expected (or not) and what kind of safety needs they have and what kind of sexual needs they have. OP is entitled to feel how she feels about any of it, whether or not that is how others would feel. She is also entitled to do anything about it - except abuse behavior like shouting, hitting, silent treatment, etc. - she can ask him to stay, to go, to attend therapy with or without her, to give her time, etc. She is certainly entitled to as much time to process this as he took to do all of it (the sex and the sex/emotional texts), i.e. several years. One of the things I found most problematic when I was going through my ex’s infidelity, was that the culture has so much to stay about whether women are obligated to stay after infidelity and under what kind of circumstances - i.e. in light of the husband’s behavior and whether or not there are kids. Much of this cultural pressure takes away the woman’s autonomy and consent. Suggesting that women are obligated to stay in relationships where their husband “only” had sex once or didn’t love her or sexted, etc. really eviscerates the notion of sexual consent because it is based on the idea that women are obligated to stay with (and keep having sex with) a person on terms that they have not really freely and on an informed basis consented to. It also takes away autonomy in terms of bargaining for marriage conditions to suggest that women are obligated to stay or must describe view behavior as “not that bad”. Each woman decides how she views the infidelity in light of her own personal beliefs, the obligations assumed in marriage and the circumstances of the marriage at the time. |