Talk me off a ledge- other side of the world and just discovered cheating

[Anonymous]

Not sure if OP has addressed all the calls for a post nup? This should be priority #1. The conversation he had with her a couple weeks ago where he declares he'll do whatever she wants, give her whatever she wants...those were just words with nothing legally binding (plus his screaming at her came after that ""I'll do anything" talk. Feelings for both OP and husband will shift wildly day to day at this point. OP, you need to pursue the post nup now. Explain that because trust is gone and will take time to rebuild that this is what you need to feel secure about your children's future. Make sure you account for housing, health insurance for your children to age 18 (or 26), college tuition responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure if OP has addressed all the calls for a post nup? This should be priority #1. The conversation he had with her a couple weeks ago where he declares he'll do whatever she wants, give her whatever she wants...those were just words with nothing legally binding (plus his screaming at her came after that ""I'll do anything" talk. Feelings for both OP and husband will shift wildly day to day at this point. OP, you need to pursue the post nup now. Explain that because trust is gone and will take time to rebuild that this is what you need to feel secure about your children's future. Make sure you account for housing, health insurance for your children to age 18 (or 26), college tuition responsibility.

I agree with this. If there is any chance the OP is going to stay she needs to put protections in place. In addition to the suggestions above I’d also require a life insurance policy of whatever amount that he’s required to keep. That’s the one thing I forgot about during my divorce. And now that my XH has remarried he’s made it clear to our kids that all his assets are going toward the new family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's clear to me that OP knows deep down she's going to stay. For Now she wants to punish him. Which is completely reasonable. But her husband will grow weary of it too and at some point, sooner rather than later, will throw his hands up. OP, if you know you really do want to get past this and keep your family intact, you'll be honest with yourself about that.

Oh shut up. She is three weeks in and still reeling.

THIS. If DH was able to allocate three years to his affair, OP can take three years to process it.

Yep. She just found out. He’s been in it for 3 years. It’s going to take a long time to process it. If he can’t deal with that he’s not worth it. I threw a lot of sh@t at my husband the first 1.5 years as my emotions were up and down and triggers would come at me out if the blue (a movie or show, driving by a location, a thought I would have-were u ever here w/ her, etc.). For his part, and because of the therapy he was doing, he handled it well and always addressed it, provided answers and reassurance. It takes a long time. I certainly will never forget. Things are forever changed. The 100% unconditional trust he had for 20 years will never be there wholly again. And that’s something he will have to know and agree too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's clear to me that OP knows deep down she's going to stay. For Now she wants to punish him. Which is completely reasonable. But her husband will grow weary of it too and at some point, sooner rather than later, will throw his hands up. OP, if you know you really do want to get past this and keep your family intact, you'll be honest with yourself about that.

Oh shut up. She is three weeks in and still reeling.

THIS. If DH was able to allocate three years to his affair, OP can take three years to process it.

Yep. She just found out. He’s been in it for 3 years. It’s going to take a long time to process it. If he can’t deal with that he’s not worth it. I threw a lot of sh@t at my husband the first 1.5 years as my emotions were up and down and triggers would come at me out if the blue (a movie or show, driving by a location, a thought I would have-were u ever here w/ her, etc.). For his part, and because of the therapy he was doing, he handled it well and always addressed it, provided answers and reassurance. It takes a long time. I certainly will never forget. Things are forever changed. The 100% unconditional trust he had for 20 years will never be there wholly again. And that’s something he will have to know and agree too.

And that’s how putting the protection in place (guard rails is what my therapist called it) to move forward. There is no way someone hurt and betrayed that bad is going to offer up their trust and heart fully until they see that there is investment and protection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's clear to me that OP knows deep down she's going to stay. For Now she wants to punish him. Which is completely reasonable. But her husband will grow weary of it too and at some point, sooner rather than later, will throw his hands up. OP, if you know you really do want to get past this and keep your family intact, you'll be honest with yourself about that.

Oh shut up. She is three weeks in and still reeling.

THIS. If DH was able to allocate three years to his affair, OP can take three years to process it.

Yep. She just found out. He’s been in it for 3 years. It’s going to take a long time to process it. If he can’t deal with that he’s not worth it. I threw a lot of sh@t at my husband the first 1.5 years as my emotions were up and down and triggers would come at me out if the blue (a movie or show, driving by a location, a thought I would have-were u ever here w/ her, etc.). For his part, and because of the therapy he was doing, he handled it well and always addressed it, provided answers and reassurance. It takes a long time. I certainly will never forget. Things are forever changed. The 100% unconditional trust he had for 20 years will never be there wholly again. And that’s something he will have to know and agree too.

That's pretty tough talk while
conveniently forgetting that imperfect humans are involved. Right now her husband is feeling shame, relief, fear, dread. Sooner rather than later, all his pronouncements of contrition will turn into resentment. he has already stated that in his mind, this was " is one big mistake." so he's already coming from this from a place of diminishing, even if he is otherwise saying all the right things, picking up the physical work in the house wife grieves and spirals. The power dynamic will shift daily in the relationship. One day OP will feel empowered to make demands the next day. Her husband will push back with the old lame "what else can I do? I'll never make you happy."and then suddenly Opie will feel powerless lots of therapy and OP. You need to be honest with yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's clear to me that OP knows deep down she's going to stay. For Now she wants to punish him. Which is completely reasonable. But her husband will grow weary of it too and at some point, sooner rather than later, will throw his hands up. OP, if you know you really do want to get past this and keep your family intact, you'll be honest with yourself about that.

Oh shut up. She is three weeks in and still reeling.

THIS. If DH was able to allocate three years to his affair, OP can take three years to process it.

Yep. She just found out. He’s been in it for 3 years. It’s going to take a long time to process it. If he can’t deal with that he’s not worth it. I threw a lot of sh@t at my husband the first 1.5 years as my emotions were up and down and triggers would come at me out if the blue (a movie or show, driving by a location, a thought I would have-were u ever here w/ her, etc.). For his part, and because of the therapy he was doing, he handled it well and always addressed it, provided answers and reassurance. It takes a long time. I certainly will never forget. Things are forever changed. The 100% unconditional trust he had for 20 years will never be there wholly again. And that’s something he will have to know and agree too.

That's pretty tough talk while
conveniently forgetting that imperfect humans are involved. Right now her husband is feeling shame, relief, fear, dread. Sooner rather than later, all his pronouncements of contrition will turn into resentment. he has already stated that in his mind, this was " is one big mistake." so he's already coming from this from a place of diminishing, even if he is otherwise saying all the right things, picking up the physical work in the house wife grieves and spirals. The power dynamic will shift daily in the relationship. One day OP will feel empowered to make demands the next day. Her husband will push back with the old lame "what else can I do? I'll never make you happy."and then suddenly Opie will feel powerless lots of therapy and OP. You need to be honest with yourself.

I’ve seen far too many brush and forgive easily which is essentially what you describe, e.g., oh poor shame filled, resourceful guy, that the next time they are stressed or bored or hurt they will reach for that poor coping skill of other women because “hey it was no big deal. I just was in the doghouse for a week or two”. They need to see we aren’t f@“ng around. That includes the post-nup, vasectomy, etc. I think putting them out for a few weeks right at discovery is the best. They sit in a lonely room with no kids, no spouse, no dog, etc. and get to feel the full enormity of their actions. If you are a “dealbreaker” person regarding infidelity and have kids and many years in—it’s a one strike and that need to feel that.

[Anonymous]

^remorseful

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's clear to me that OP knows deep down she's going to stay. For Now she wants to punish him. Which is completely reasonable. But her husband will grow weary of it too and at some point, sooner rather than later, will throw his hands up. OP, if you know you really do want to get past this and keep your family intact, you'll be honest with yourself about that.

Oh shut up. She is three weeks in and still reeling.

THIS. If DH was able to allocate three years to his affair, OP can take three years to process it.

Yep. She just found out. He’s been in it for 3 years. It’s going to take a long time to process it. If he can’t deal with that he’s not worth it. I threw a lot of sh@t at my husband the first 1.5 years as my emotions were up and down and triggers would come at me out if the blue (a movie or show, driving by a location, a thought I would have-were u ever here w/ her, etc.). For his part, and because of the therapy he was doing, he handled it well and always addressed it, provided answers and reassurance. It takes a long time. I certainly will never forget. Things are forever changed. The 100% unconditional trust he had for 20 years will never be there wholly again. And that’s something he will have to know and agree too.

That's pretty tough talk while
conveniently forgetting that imperfect humans are involved. Right now her husband is feeling shame, relief, fear, dread. Sooner rather than later, all his pronouncements of contrition will turn into resentment. he has already stated that in his mind, this was " is one big mistake." so he's already coming from this from a place of diminishing, even if he is otherwise saying all the right things, picking up the physical work in the house wife grieves and spirals. The power dynamic will shift daily in the relationship. One day OP will feel empowered to make demands the next day. Her husband will push back with the old lame "what else can I do? I'll never make you happy."and then suddenly Opie will feel powerless lots of therapy and OP. You need to be honest with yourself.

I’ve seen far too many brush and forgive easily which is essentially what you describe, e.g., oh poor shame filled, resourceful guy, that the next time they are stressed or bored or hurt they will reach for that poor coping skill of other women because “hey it was no big deal. I just was in the doghouse for a week or two”. They need to see we aren’t f@“ng around. That includes the post-nup, vasectomy, etc. I think putting them out for a few weeks right at discovery is the best. They sit in a lonely room with no kids, no spouse, no dog, etc. and get to feel the full enormity of their actions. If you are a “dealbreaker” person regarding infidelity and have kids and many years in—it’s a one strike and that need to feel that.

Agree. She will get there, but not in the weeks after. He was years in this. He can eat sh@t for months. If he doesn’t have it in him to do the work, he’s not going to change. There will be a time and place where she will need to start pivoting and stop the outright anger/negativity, but she needs time to work that out. That’s why individual therapy first for both before they start marriage counseling down the road which will be a safe place to address the dynamic you describe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's clear to me that OP knows deep down she's going to stay. For Now she wants to punish him. Which is completely reasonable. But her husband will grow weary of it too and at some point, sooner rather than later, will throw his hands up. OP, if you know you really do want to get past this and keep your family intact, you'll be honest with yourself about that.

Oh shut up. She is three weeks in and still reeling.

THIS. If DH was able to allocate three years to his affair, OP can take three years to process it.

Yep. She just found out. He’s been in it for 3 years. It’s going to take a long time to process it. If he can’t deal with that he’s not worth it. I threw a lot of sh@t at my husband the first 1.5 years as my emotions were up and down and triggers would come at me out if the blue (a movie or show, driving by a location, a thought I would have-were u ever here w/ her, etc.). For his part, and because of the therapy he was doing, he handled it well and always addressed it, provided answers and reassurance. It takes a long time. I certainly will never forget. Things are forever changed. The 100% unconditional trust he had for 20 years will never be there wholly again. And that’s something he will have to know and agree too.

That's pretty tough talk while
conveniently forgetting that imperfect humans are involved. Right now her husband is feeling shame, relief, fear, dread. Sooner rather than later, all his pronouncements of contrition will turn into resentment. he has already stated that in his mind, this was " is one big mistake." so he's already coming from this from a place of diminishing, even if he is otherwise saying all the right things, picking up the physical work in the house wife grieves and spirals. The power dynamic will shift daily in the relationship. One day OP will feel empowered to make demands the next day. Her husband will push back with the old lame "what else can I do? I'll never make you happy."and then suddenly Opie will feel powerless lots of therapy and OP. You need to be honest with yourself.

Nobody ever forgets that humans are imperfect. Expecting perfection is not what this is about. This is about basic amends for deeply hurting somebody who loves you. Tolerating the impacts of the trauma he caused is the bare minimum. Some people will not do the bare minimum and yes that’s a prospect that OP, like everybody in a relationship, has to face.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure if OP has addressed all the calls for a post nup? This should be priority #1. The conversation he had with her a couple weeks ago where he declares he'll do whatever she wants, give her whatever she wants...those were just words with nothing legally binding (plus his screaming at her came after that ""I'll do anything" talk. Feelings for both OP and husband will shift wildly day to day at this point. OP, you need to pursue the post nup now. Explain that because trust is gone and will take time to rebuild that this is what you need to feel secure about your children's future. Make sure you account for housing, health insurance for your children to age 18 (or 26), college tuition responsibility.

I agree with this - and do it quickly. I think pp is right that at some point, probably not too far from now, the husband is going to want to get back to normal - and at that point OP may lose leverage when it comes to negotiating the most advantageous deal. You don't know how you will feel about this once things have settled into the new normal - whether you can bear to be with this guy, once he's no longer acting like every second on earth with his family is a gift from gd; once you've really had time to process what happened and how you feel about it - so negotiate this, with a lawyer, now.

[Anonymous]

Just an FYI - I sought out a post-nup and the attorneys I saw all advised me that even good ones are really easy to throw out in court. So, they are expensive to write and basically unenforceable. Many states now have no-fault divorce with strict formulas. You get what state law allows, regardless of the post-nup.

Really your best and only protection is therapy. Personally, I don't think couples therapy is especially helpful either. Each of you needs to see your own therapist. You have to decide what you want and can live with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just an FYI - I sought out a post-nup and the attorneys I saw all advised me that even good ones are really easy to throw out in court. So, they are expensive to write and basically unenforceable. Many states now have no-fault divorce with strict formulas. You get what state law allows, regardless of the post-nup.

Really your best and only protection is therapy. Personally, I don't think couples therapy is especially helpful either. Each of you needs to see your own therapist. You have to decide what you want and can live with.

What state were you in?

[Anonymous]

It was a dumb move to show him the other thread. He’s going to find and read this one too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It was a dumb move to show him the other thread. He’s going to find and read this one too.

Not necessarily. My DH would never be that curious to investigate. (Not OP)

[Anonymous]

If you stay,, and want to get better, it is likely going to take at least 3-5 years. Does not mean all bad but the attachment gets severed and have to figure out if safe to attach again to this person.