Frustrated with cheap brother

[Anonymous]

Despite doing very well for himself, my 40 year old brother is the cheapest person alive when it comes to spending money on, or being generous with, other people. My parents are incredibly generous with us kids and their grandkids. My brother never buys gifts for my parents, and generally refuses to pay for anything when we are all together - even himself (he always lets my parents pay when we go out to dinner whereas my DH and I often at least offer to chip in). He never gets birthday gifts for my children, which I find incredibly rude since they are young. We recently went out for my dad’s birthday and I asked my brother to split it with us, and he refused. My mom ended up splitting the bill with us which was kind of crazy.

So now my parents’ 50th wedding anniversary is coming up and I wanted to plan a small dinner party for them, which is what they wanted. Spoke to my brother about it and he said he won’t chip in, which I find very frustrating. My parents decided to throw their own party given the drama it was creating with my brother. So, I thought at the very least we could take them to a nice dinner. Once again my brother says he won’t contribute even to that so I said if he won’t pay even for just himself (not asking him to pay for a portion of my parents at this point) then we will take them on our own. When I told my parents DH and I wanted to take them out just the two of us they said we can’t exclude my brother and they will pay for him if that’s the issue.

I just can’t get over how ridiculous my brother is being about all of this. How can he not be willing to spend $150 to pay for himself at a nice dinner for them? He claims he hates spending money on stuffy restaurants and that’s why he won’t do it, but come on, this is for your parents. And he has no trouble going out with friends when he feels like it.

So do we go to the anniversary dinner and I let my parents pay for him and DH and I pay for them?? I am sure as hell not paying for him, but it seems so awkward now.

[Anonymous]

I would not want to have dinner with either of you.

[Anonymous]

Have you ever straight up asked him why he won't contribute? That's just f'ed up. I have dysfunction on both sides of our family, but it's a given that siblings are splitting the check if we are taking parents out to dinner.

[Anonymous]

My husband has similar tendencies, except he does split bills in restaurants because he knows it looks bad otherwise. Otherwise no gifts or much “consumable” entertainment at all. He prefers to invest in other things: for example, his kids’ education, the education of a relative in our home country we’ve never even met, stock options, real estate...

I have no problem with it. Gifts are not necessary.

[Anonymous]

OP, spending money on other people and buying gifts is not his love language. Or the love language of many, many other people. Stop projecting what YOU want, onto him. Just because it means something to you and that's what you want, is not necessarily what other people value.

Does he do other things? Does help do things for others (that don't involve money)? Does he listen and engage with your kids? On things non-money related, is he quite kind?

[Anonymous]

I'm with you on splitting the bill for parents' anniversary.

You lost me at not giving gifts to your kids. Mainly because I'm pretty sure there isn't a gift on this planet you wouldn't find something wrong with.

[Anonymous]

Why does he need to buy gifts for your kids?

Otherwise, he's doing you a favor by being so clear. he does not want to pay for stuff for other people. Now you know, and you can make plans accordingly. Stop arguing with him about it, stop expecting him to pay, just accept that he's not paying. If you want to buy a gift for your parents or take them out to dinner or throw them a party, do that. If you all go out to eat, arrange for separate checks. I can see why you'd disagree with him, but getting frustrated with him is stupid--he's been quite clear about it, and he's not going to change. Stop expecting him to. Do what you want with your money, let him do what he wants with his. In some ways, this lets you off the hook for stuff--you don't need to buy him gifts, or treat him to meals, or anything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you ever straight up asked him why he won't contribute? That's just f'ed up. I have dysfunction on both sides of our family, but it's a given that siblings are splitting the check if we are taking parents out to dinner.

Yes, he says he thinks spending money on fancy restaurants or fancy events is a total waste. He is a pretty picky eater so he doesn’t want to eat “fussy” food as he says... but yet he doesn’t want to be excluded either. But this isn’t about what he wants... this is about doing something nice for my parents.

I actually think he just prefers to let my parents pay for him since they always do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm with you on splitting the bill for parents' anniversary.

You lost me at not giving gifts to your kids. Mainly because I'm pretty sure there isn't a gift on this planet you wouldn't find something wrong with.

My kids are 3 and 5 and it’s weird when we have a family party and every other relative brings at least a little something for the birthday kid and he brings nothing. Even a $5 gift would be fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you ever straight up asked him why he won't contribute? That's just f'ed up. I have dysfunction on both sides of our family, but it's a given that siblings are splitting the check if we are taking parents out to dinner.

Yes, he says he thinks spending money on fancy restaurants or fancy events is a total waste. He is a pretty picky eater so he doesn’t want to eat “fussy” food as he says... but yet he doesn’t want to be excluded either. But this isn’t about what he wants... this is about doing something nice for my parents.

I actually think he just prefers to let my parents pay for him since they always do.

So he's just selfish and self-absorbed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does he need to buy gifts for your kids?

Otherwise, he's doing you a favor by being so clear. he does not want to pay for stuff for other people. Now you know, and you can make plans accordingly. Stop arguing with him about it, stop expecting him to pay, just accept that he's not paying. If you want to buy a gift for your parents or take them out to dinner or throw them a party, do that. If you all go out to eat, arrange for separate checks. I can see why you'd disagree with him, but getting frustrated with him is stupid--he's been quite clear about it, and he's not going to change. Stop expecting him to. Do what you want with your money, let him do what he wants with his. In some ways, this lets you off the hook for stuff--you don't need to buy him gifts, or treat him to meals, or anything else.

I understand this but do I just continue to go out to dinner with my parents and then they pay for him while we treat ourselves? We go out with them like once a month. I would rather just go without him but my parents won’t agree to that.

[Anonymous]

This is your parents problem. Not yours. They're the pushovers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm with you on splitting the bill for parents' anniversary.

You lost me at not giving gifts to your kids. Mainly because I'm pretty sure there isn't a gift on this planet you wouldn't find something wrong with.

My kids are 3 and 5 and it’s weird when we have a family party and every other relative brings at least a little something for the birthday kid and he brings nothing. Even a $5 gift would be fine.

Does he play and interact with your kids?

That's FAR more valuable than some $5 junk crap made in China.

[Anonymous]

Learn this: Your brother can spend or not spend his money any way he chooses.

Learn this: You need to stop expecting him to behave a certain way or do certain things. Your kids are not "owed" gifts, no matter how young they are.

Learn this: You need to be in charge of your own plans. If YOU want to throw a dinner party, throw it. Send him an invitation.

Clearly, CLEARLY, you need to stop expecting him to share costs with you, throw a party with you, chip in, etc.

Ain't.
Gonna.
Happen.

So stop expecting it to.

[Anonymous]

Just go without him. It sounds like you are trying to include everyone in what you want to do and he doesn't really care.

Pick a time that is just impossible for him, treat your parents from just you. Tell your parents this works best for your family to do something with your parents.

He can do his own thing with his parents separately, and your not stuck paying for his dinner.

I have a feeling he won't even care.