Frustrated with cheap brother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brothers don't split stuff. We don't do $150 pp dinner level things, but basically when something comes from "the kids" my parents know it's me. Or I say it's me and don't pretend it was a joint effort sometimes. I just don't try to pay for stuff I can't afford on my own for them. I don't really understand why this can't happen here.

Goodness, I wish homespun women like you would stop covering for useless men like your brothers.

You are an adult. Operate as an adult, not a mommy-figure to other grown-ass adults. You are treating your, what 30 or 40something brothers like they are children. Like when I buy my husband a birthday card or gift "from" my 2-year-old.

I'm not going out and buying three presents for my parents and writing "from brother 1" and "from brother 2!" I'm dealing independently with my parents, getting them what I can afford, and not spending a lot of time worrying whether others kick in equal amounts or making sure I am given full credit for every unattributed surprise (my parents know). I don't see how spending my emotional energy trying to make my brothers do and care about the same things is MORE adult than basically doing my own thing.

Oh, my God. If your brothers wanted to mark milestones with gifts, they would. They CHOOSE NOT TO. You somehow think in your female wisdom that you know better than them what should and must be done, for whom, and when, and how. So you keep up a pretend fantasy game that apparently your parents are also invested in, rather than just facing the reality that THEY CHOOSE NOT TO DO THE THINGS YOU DO.

Do you also write checks to charities you think they support in their name? Do you sign them up for email newsletters you think they should get? Have you purchased burial plots next to your parents because that's what you think they should do?

Ugh, stop. You are setting women back, again, some more.

I am seriously confused, I said i am NOT getting gifts and marking them with my brother's names or doing a pretend fantasy game, what is the issue here? I mean the equivalent would be, for OP's example, setting up a small dinner party for my parents on the budget *I* could afford and not saying my brothers have to pitch in equally or it's not happening. I just would make the message "happy anniversary Mom and Dad," not "happt anniversary FROM ME ONLY," because milestones are not about making sure they know which kids are good and which are slackers, they are about the parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brothers don't split stuff. We don't do $150 pp dinner level things, but basically when something comes from "the kids" my parents know it's me. Or I say it's me and don't pretend it was a joint effort sometimes. I just don't try to pay for stuff I can't afford on my own for them. I don't really understand why this can't happen here.

Goodness, I wish homespun women like you would stop covering for useless men like your brothers.

You are an adult. Operate as an adult, not a mommy-figure to other grown-ass adults. You are treating your, what 30 or 40something brothers like they are children. Like when I buy my husband a birthday card or gift "from" my 2-year-old.

I'm not going out and buying three presents for my parents and writing "from brother 1" and "from brother 2!" I'm dealing independently with my parents, getting them what I can afford, and not spending a lot of time worrying whether others kick in equal amounts or making sure I am given full credit for every unattributed surprise (my parents know). I don't see how spending my emotional energy trying to make my brothers do and care about the same things is MORE adult than basically doing my own thing.

Oh, my God. If your brothers wanted to mark milestones with gifts, they would. They CHOOSE NOT TO. You somehow think in your female wisdom that you know better than them what should and must be done, for whom, and when, and how. So you keep up a pretend fantasy game that apparently your parents are also invested in, rather than just facing the reality that THEY CHOOSE NOT TO DO THE THINGS YOU DO.

Do you also write checks to charities you think they support in their name? Do you sign them up for email newsletters you think they should get? Have you purchased burial plots next to your parents because that's what you think they should do?

Ugh, stop. You are setting women back, again, some more.

I am seriously confused, I said i am NOT getting gifts and marking them with my brother's names or doing a pretend fantasy game, what is the issue here? I mean the equivalent would be, for OP's example, setting up a small dinner party for my parents on the budget *I* could afford and not saying my brothers have to pitch in equally or it's not happening. I just would make the message "happy anniversary Mom and Dad," not "happt anniversary FROM ME ONLY," because milestones are not about making sure they know which kids are good and which are slackers, they are about the parents.

You are getting a gift--let's say it is a $100 restaurant gift card. That's nice.

But you are SAYING it is from you and your brothers...which...no, it's not. They didn't agree to it, they didn't care, they didn't chip in, they didn't particpate. And you are pretending they did.

You are essentially saying...my way is so right that I am ignoring their ADULT CHOICE not to acknowledge this anniversary with a gift that I am OVERRIDING that choice and saying this gift is from them, when it isn't.

If. Your. Brothers. Wanted. To. Give. Gifts. They. Would.

You are not in charge of them. And yet somehow you feel so in charge of them that you are invoking their name and participation for something they didn't do. It's bizzzare.

[Anonymous]

You are in the wrong here. You want to go out to dinner and are choosing fancy restaurants that your brother doesn't want to go to. I bet you don't even ask for his input. Why should he pay 150 dollars for your plan.

If you buy a present for your parents don't go halves with him or expect him to put money into the present you have chosen.

You caused so much drama that your mother organised her own dinner. That was you causing that drama. It's you that has a problem with the money.

So what if he doesn't buy presents even for your kids. It's not rude. What is rude is expecting other people to fork out money for presents for you. Your parents have accepted him. You can't this is solely your problem.

[Anonymous]

I could have written this post except it looks like this. I'm 40; brothers are 42 and 45 and sister is 49. All are broke. I was financially in a good place (except the high expense of child care for 2), until I got laid off. My parents' 50th is in October and they said they will make all the plans and manage the costs. I'm the only one likely to chip in because of said broke siblings who have no children or expenses and are currently employed. I feel you, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brothers don't split stuff. We don't do $150 pp dinner level things, but basically when something comes from "the kids" my parents know it's me. Or I say it's me and don't pretend it was a joint effort sometimes. I just don't try to pay for stuff I can't afford on my own for them. I don't really understand why this can't happen here.

Goodness, I wish homespun women like you would stop covering for useless men like your brothers.

You are an adult. Operate as an adult, not a mommy-figure to other grown-ass adults. You are treating your, what 30 or 40something brothers like they are children. Like when I buy my husband a birthday card or gift "from" my 2-year-old.

I'm not going out and buying three presents for my parents and writing "from brother 1" and "from brother 2!" I'm dealing independently with my parents, getting them what I can afford, and not spending a lot of time worrying whether others kick in equal amounts or making sure I am given full credit for every unattributed surprise (my parents know). I don't see how spending my emotional energy trying to make my brothers do and care about the same things is MORE adult than basically doing my own thing.

Oh, my God. If your brothers wanted to mark milestones with gifts, they would. They CHOOSE NOT TO. You somehow think in your female wisdom that you know better than them what should and must be done, for whom, and when, and how. So you keep up a pretend fantasy game that apparently your parents are also invested in, rather than just facing the reality that THEY CHOOSE NOT TO DO THE THINGS YOU DO.

Do you also write checks to charities you think they support in their name? Do you sign them up for email newsletters you think they should get? Have you purchased burial plots next to your parents because that's what you think they should do?

Ugh, stop. You are setting women back, again, some more.

I am seriously confused, I said i am NOT getting gifts and marking them with my brother's names or doing a pretend fantasy game, what is the issue here? I mean the equivalent would be, for OP's example, setting up a small dinner party for my parents on the budget *I* could afford and not saying my brothers have to pitch in equally or it's not happening. I just would make the message "happy anniversary Mom and Dad," not "happt anniversary FROM ME ONLY," because milestones are not about making sure they know which kids are good and which are slackers, they are about the parents.

You are getting a gift--let's say it is a $100 restaurant gift card. That's nice.

But you are SAYING it is from you and your brothers...which...no, it's not. They didn't agree to it, they didn't care, they didn't chip in, they didn't particpate. And you are pretending they did.

You are essentially saying...my way is so right that I am ignoring their ADULT CHOICE not to acknowledge this anniversary with a gift that I am OVERRIDING that choice and saying this gift is from them, when it isn't.

If. Your. Brothers. Wanted. To. Give. Gifts. They. Would.

You are not in charge of them. And yet somehow you feel so in charge of them that you are invoking their name and participation for something they didn't do. It's bizzzare.

I'm not putting anyone else's name on anything, i just said that two times. I'm also not making a big deal about what other people DON'T do, though, or insisting that i get credit for every surprise gift or gesture (not everything is a physical gift with a label). My parents aren't idiots, if I sent out invitations and hosted a dinner party it would obviously be my effort, but I wouldn't complain to them about my brothers not helping or say it's off unless they contributed equally either, I'd just keep it at a manageable scale.

I think it is bizarre for adults to make their gifts contingent on what other adults do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brothers don't split stuff. We don't do $150 pp dinner level things, but basically when something comes from "the kids" my parents know it's me. Or I say it's me and don't pretend it was a joint effort sometimes. I just don't try to pay for stuff I can't afford on my own for them. I don't really understand why this can't happen here.

Goodness, I wish homespun women like you would stop covering for useless men like your brothers.

You are an adult. Operate as an adult, not a mommy-figure to other grown-ass adults. You are treating your, what 30 or 40something brothers like they are children. Like when I buy my husband a birthday card or gift "from" my 2-year-old.

I'm not going out and buying three presents for my parents and writing "from brother 1" and "from brother 2!" I'm dealing independently with my parents, getting them what I can afford, and not spending a lot of time worrying whether others kick in equal amounts or making sure I am given full credit for every unattributed surprise (my parents know). I don't see how spending my emotional energy trying to make my brothers do and care about the same things is MORE adult than basically doing my own thing.

Oh, my God. If your brothers wanted to mark milestones with gifts, they would. They CHOOSE NOT TO. You somehow think in your female wisdom that you know better than them what should and must be done, for whom, and when, and how. So you keep up a pretend fantasy game that apparently your parents are also invested in, rather than just facing the reality that THEY CHOOSE NOT TO DO THE THINGS YOU DO.

Do you also write checks to charities you think they support in their name? Do you sign them up for email newsletters you think they should get? Have you purchased burial plots next to your parents because that's what you think they should do?

Ugh, stop. You are setting women back, again, some more.

I am seriously confused, I said i am NOT getting gifts and marking them with my brother's names or doing a pretend fantasy game, what is the issue here? I mean the equivalent would be, for OP's example, setting up a small dinner party for my parents on the budget *I* could afford and not saying my brothers have to pitch in equally or it's not happening. I just would make the message "happy anniversary Mom and Dad," not "happt anniversary FROM ME ONLY," because milestones are not about making sure they know which kids are good and which are slackers, they are about the parents.

You are getting a gift--let's say it is a $100 restaurant gift card. That's nice.

But you are SAYING it is from you and your brothers...which...no, it's not. They didn't agree to it, they didn't care, they didn't chip in, they didn't particpate. And you are pretending they did.

You are essentially saying...my way is so right that I am ignoring their ADULT CHOICE not to acknowledge this anniversary with a gift that I am OVERRIDING that choice and saying this gift is from them, when it isn't.

If. Your. Brothers. Wanted. To. Give. Gifts. They. Would.

You are not in charge of them. And yet somehow you feel so in charge of them that you are invoking their name and participation for something they didn't do. It's bizzzare.

I'm not putting anyone else's name on anything, i just said that two times. I'm also not making a big deal about what other people DON'T do, though, or insisting that i get credit for every surprise gift or gesture (not everything is a physical gift with a label). My parents aren't idiots, if I sent out invitations and hosted a dinner party it would obviously be my effort, but I wouldn't complain to them about my brothers not helping or say it's off unless they contributed equally either, I'd just keep it at a manageable scale.

I think it is bizarre for adults to make their gifts contingent on what other adults do.

OP, I’m a NP, but it seems you’re talking out of both sides of your mouth. You’re making YOUR contribution decisions based on what your brother is doing, so are you bizarre?

If you wanted to have a dinner party for your parents, why didn’t you just host one? I’m assuming your brother would e attendee anyway, so what difference does it make if he split the costs? Likewise dinner.

You know that your brother is frugal, and specifically does not value spending money on food and restaurants, yet you’ve tried to corner him into spending money on exactly those things, twice.

You honestly sound a little judgmental and controlling over your brothers finances. Do your children really need gifts? Is he an involved uncle? Then, I would say respect and understand his time and effort is enough. Is e not involved at all? Then I would say the expectation of a gift is even more weird.

I think if you can get your head out of your brothers wallet, you’ll be much happier. It’s been said on this thread already: you are not the same person. He doesn’t value gifts and spending money in the same ways you do. He doesn’t feel the need to “do it for the parents” like you do. Stop making it about what YOU think is best, and let him do his own thing.

[Anonymous]

OP, two things:

1) Nobody has any right to tell you what to do with your own money.

2) YOU have no right to tell anyone what to do with their money.

That's all you need to understand. Stop placing your expectations on other people. You have no right to tell your parents what to do with their money. You have no right to tell your brother what to do with his money. And any decisions you choose to make concerning your money, are for you alone. Host the party for your parents if you want to,but you are allowed to have zero expectations for other people contributing to what YOU want to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you ever straight up asked him why he won't contribute? That's just f'ed up. I have dysfunction on both sides of our family, but it's a given that siblings are splitting the check if we are taking parents out to dinner.

Yes, he says he thinks spending money on fancy restaurants or fancy events is a total waste. He is a pretty picky eater so he doesn’t want to eat “fussy” food as he says... but yet he doesn’t want to be excluded either. But this isn’t about what he wants... this is about doing something nice for my parents.

I actually think he just prefers to let my parents pay for him since they always do.

So there is your answer. You can have a nice family meal at a restaurant that's around $30-40 and make this a non-issue. I don't know how well off you are to spend $150/plate but that is nuts, and obviously something he doesn't put a value on.

[Anonymous]

This is exactly like my sister. She is so cheap. All of it. She won’t spend any money except if it’s on her or to go out with her friends. And my parents won’t let us exclude her either. Totally sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, spending money on other people and buying gifts is not his love language. Or the love language of many, many other people. Stop projecting what YOU want, onto him. Just because it means something to you and that's what you want, is not necessarily what other people value.

Does he do other things? Does help do things for others (that don't involve money)? Does he listen and engage with your kids? On things non-money related, is he quite kind?

This is not "love language." He's being a grifter.

I would have very little to do with him, frankly. I don't deal with grifters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are in the wrong here. You want to go out to dinner and are choosing fancy restaurants that your brother doesn't want to go to. I bet you don't even ask for his input. Why should he pay 150 dollars for your plan.

If you buy a present for your parents don't go halves with him or expect him to put money into the present you have chosen.

You caused so much drama that your mother organised her own dinner. That was you causing that drama. It's you that has a problem with the money.

So what if he doesn't buy presents even for your kids. It's not rude. What is rude is expecting other people to fork out money for presents for you. Your parents have accepted him. You can't this is solely your problem.

Your first point may be valid - choose something cheaper, OP. But, I'm guessing brother still won't pay up.
He's cheap, fine. But, he's manipulating everyone else into covering his a-- for family events. So, I just wouldn't invite him. If your parents object, they can a) decline to have the event, or b) do something with him on their dime. I would not cover a single cent for him going forward. Or enable it in any way.

As for your kids, that would be highly rude in my family as well (and we have the fewest kids among the siblings, so it is usually us paying the most and that's fine). But, I'd just drop it. This is a battle you won't win. But, yes, it would affect my relationship with him (not by itself, but all of it).

[Anonymous]

Since going to nicer restaurants is something that OP and her parents enjoy, they should go without the brother. But I get the feeling that he would be upset if they did that. He's the type of person that if he doesn't like something, then nobody else gets to do it. If they do something without him, then he tantrums.

Going forward, OP shouldn't pay for him. If her parents are willing to pay for the "honor" of his presence, then let them do it.

[Anonymous]

Your only choice is to host the anniversary party and not invite the cheap brother. You will be happier, but your parents will be sad.

Let's all feel bad for the brother's girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your brother is a mooch. If he doesn't want to spend money on expensive restaurants, he should politely turn down the invitations. He shouldn't show up and expect someone else to pay. Having said that, he's allowed to spend his money however he wants. It's the spending of your parents' money I take offense to.

Your parents are suckers. It's fine to go to dinner with one child and not the other. They need to get over that and stop letting your brother manipulate his way into free food. Having said that, they're allowed to spend their money how they want to. I'm just going to roll my eyes every time they give in.

You have unrealistic expectations of your brother. Don't ask about splitting bills or throwing parties; you know he won't. And he's not close with your kids and isn't obligated to buy them presents. It is what it is. Let it go.

It’s their money. You don’t get to decide how they spend it, OP doesn’t get to decide, either.

They can buy a star named after themselves, or LV dog cattier, or a diamond-encrusted lollipop holder, or a gold toilet, or a ticket to Bermuda, or a donation to Trump’s reelection campaign, or a Chia Pet. Or a meal for their son.

It’s their money. To do with as they please.

Do. you. get. it?

Ahhh, see. Now we know why this poster is such a jerk

I voted for Barack Obama twice, Hillary Clinton once, and plan to vote for literally any Democratic nominee. But thanks for playing.

THE POINT is that they can do literally anything with their money, what with it being their money and all.

Exactly. You’re a jerky democrat for throwing Trump into a 100% non political thread. Thanks for reiterating PP’s point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you ever straight up asked him why he won't contribute? That's just f'ed up. I have dysfunction on both sides of our family, but it's a given that siblings are splitting the check if we are taking parents out to dinner.

Yes, he says he thinks spending money on fancy restaurants or fancy events is a total waste. He is a pretty picky eater so he doesn’t want to eat “fussy” food as he says... but yet he doesn’t want to be excluded either. But this isn’t about what he wants... this is about doing something nice for my parents.

I actually think he just prefers to let my parents pay for him since they always do.

So there is your answer. You can have a nice family meal at a restaurant that's around $30-40 and make this a non-issue. I don't know how well off you are to spend $150/plate but that is nuts, and obviously something he doesn't put a value on.

If he REALLY, TRULY felt that spending money on fancy restaurants is a total waste, he would reject his parents' offer to pay for his portion of the meal at said fancy restaurant on principle. He is not doing this. He like fancy restaurants just fine; he just believes that mommy and daddy should pay his way, as it's clear they've always done.