Frustrated with cheap brother

[Anonymous]

Does he have kids? If he's single and you have a family of 4, it's not that fair to make him split everything. You have two incomes (yours and DH) and he has just his.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm with you on splitting the bill for parents' anniversary.

You lost me at not giving gifts to your kids. Mainly because I'm pretty sure there isn't a gift on this planet you wouldn't find something wrong with.

My kids are 3 and 5 and it’s weird when we have a family party and every other relative brings at least a little something for the birthday kid and he brings nothing. Even a $5 gift would be fine.

Does he play and interact with your kids?

That's FAR more valuable than some $5 junk crap made in China.

No, not really. He will respond to them if they talk to him, but he does not proactively engage with them more than just to say hi.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does he have kids? If he's single and you have a family of 4, it's not that fair to make him split everything. You have two incomes (yours and DH) and he has just his.

He does not have kids. Does have a girlfriend though.

Our kids don’t come to these dinners so it would be an even split.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just go without him. It sounds like you are trying to include everyone in what you want to do and he doesn't really care.

Pick a time that is just impossible for him, treat your parents from just you. Tell your parents this works best for your family to do something with your parents.

He can do his own thing with his parents separately, and your not stuck paying for his dinner.

I have a feeling he won't even care.

My parents are the ones that won’t go without him. They always make sure we make plans for when he can be there and then they pay for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, spending money on other people and buying gifts is not his love language. Or the love language of many, many other people. Stop projecting what YOU want, onto him. Just because it means something to you and that's what you want, is not necessarily what other people value.

Does he do other things? Does help do things for others (that don't involve money)? Does he listen and engage with your kids? On things non-money related, is he quite kind?

I understand where you're coming from with your comment. But the thing is, OP's brother participates in the dining out at restaurants, but EXPECTS other members of his family to cover his share. That's not an OK thing to do to a family member. If he doesn't think stuff restaurants are necessary, that's perfectly fine and he should just stay home. It comes across as manipulative, however, when he says he doesn't like stuff restaurants and THEN says, "Wellllll, if someone else is going to pay my way, then I guess I'm in!" He seems to be fully aware that his parents want him there; after all, he's their son. But he's figured this out and is using it to score a free meal each time, and that is a shame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just go without him. It sounds like you are trying to include everyone in what you want to do and he doesn't really care.

Pick a time that is just impossible for him, treat your parents from just you. Tell your parents this works best for your family to do something with your parents.

He can do his own thing with his parents separately, and your not stuck paying for his dinner.

I have a feeling he won't even care.

My parents are the ones that won’t go without him. They always make sure we make plans for when he can be there and then they pay for him.

OK, yes, and? IT IS THEIR MONEY, AND THEY CAN BUY HIM A MEAL IF THEY CHOOSE TO. Literally none of your business.

Do you get it?

[Anonymous]

I agree that what your parents do with their money is none of your business, OP.

And you absolutely cannot expect others to jump on board with your costly plans, because that's what you want to do. If it's what you want to do, then you do it yourself and stop expecting others to feel or do the same.

[Anonymous]

What kind of places are you choosing that are $150 a plate?!?! Do you think choosing something nice but much more reasonable in cost would help? That would blow my budget too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm with you on splitting the bill for parents' anniversary.

You lost me at not giving gifts to your kids. Mainly because I'm pretty sure there isn't a gift on this planet you wouldn't find something wrong with.

My kids are 3 and 5 and it’s weird when we have a family party and every other relative brings at least a little something for the birthday kid and he brings nothing. Even a $5 gift would be fine.

Does he play and interact with your kids?

That's FAR more valuable than some $5 junk crap made in China.

No, not really. He will respond to them if they talk to him, but he does not proactively engage with them more than just to say hi.

OK, yes, and? Sounds like he's not interested in being the "uncle" type. That's cool. Stop expecting him to change.

My brother is nice to my kids, may buy them the occasional gift when he actually sees them, but he's not overly into being an uncle. Do I sit around and stew about it? Nope! He's perfectly nice to them, and I know he'd help us out if there was ever a true emergency and he was the first one that could help us. Just like even though we're not super-close and talking all the time, I'd be there for him when needed. That's it. I don't try to make it something else.

[Anonymous]

You’re trying to manipulate him into a corner. He’s refusing to let you. You need to drop it.

[Anonymous]

He probably hates you and he's trying to figure out a way to get out of spending time with you.

My husband hates his brother, mainly because his brother is a narcissist and a sociopath and a complete and utter snob who spends the entire evening talking about himself and how wonderful he is. He does everything in his power to avoid spending time with him.

It sounds like OP has an agenda and is trying to force his brother to fulfill plans of his own making. Let your brother call the shots for once and maybe he will. Grown ass men don't like to be bossed around by their brothers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, spending money on other people and buying gifts is not his love language. Or the love language of many, many other people. Stop projecting what YOU want, onto him. Just because it means something to you and that's what you want, is not necessarily what other people value.

Does he do other things? Does help do things for others (that don't involve money)? Does he listen and engage with your kids? On things non-money related, is he quite kind?

I understand where you're coming from with your comment. But the thing is, OP's brother participates in the dining out at restaurants, but EXPECTS other members of his family to cover his share. That's not an OK thing to do to a family member. If he doesn't think stuff restaurants are necessary, that's perfectly fine and he should just stay home. It comes across as manipulative, however, when he says he doesn't like stuff restaurants and THEN says, "Wellllll, if someone else is going to pay my way, then I guess I'm in!" He seems to be fully aware that his parents want him there; after all, he's their son. But he's figured this out and is using it to score a free meal each time, and that is a shame.

If he said he’s not coming because of the money it’s clear his parents would offer.

[Anonymous]

I’m financially successful and I hate hate HATE my family counting my money. I would dig my heels in too if I felt you were pressuring me to chip in on your gestures.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just go without him. It sounds like you are trying to include everyone in what you want to do and he doesn't really care.

Pick a time that is just impossible for him, treat your parents from just you. Tell your parents this works best for your family to do something with your parents.

He can do his own thing with his parents separately, and your not stuck paying for his dinner.

I have a feeling he won't even care.

My parents are the ones that won’t go without him. They always make sure we make plans for when he can be there and then they pay for him.

OK, yes, and? IT IS THEIR MONEY, AND THEY CAN BUY HIM A MEAL IF THEY CHOOSE TO. Literally none of your business.

Do you get it?

Yes, this. OP, your parents can do with their money as they please.

[Anonymous]

And no, he doesn't owe your children gifts, or time, or anything else.

You are incredibly demanding, OP. No wonder he doesn't want to have a better relationship with you.