Frustrated with cheap brother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will be the lone voice of dissension. Your brother is trash.

agreed

I don’t know your parents financial situation but your brother won’t help as they age and he will be the main one with his hand out for any inheritance. I hope they aren’t spending money they will later need.

exactly this.

Disagree. OP will be the first complaining about the inheritance she is “owed” because brother had so much help while parents were alive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Despite doing very well for himself, my 40 year old brother is the cheapest person alive when it comes to spending money on, or being generous with, other people. My parents are incredibly generous with us kids and their grandkids. My brother never buys gifts for my parents, and generally refuses to pay for anything when we are all together - even himself (he always lets my parents pay when we go out to dinner whereas my DH and I often at least offer to chip in). He never gets birthday gifts for my children, which I find incredibly rude since they are young. We recently went out for my dad’s birthday and I asked my brother to split it with us, and he refused. My mom ended up splitting the bill with us which was kind of crazy.

So now my parents’ 50th wedding anniversary is coming up and I wanted to plan a small dinner party for them, which is what they wanted. Spoke to my brother about it and he said he won’t chip in, which I find very frustrating. My parents decided to throw their own party given the drama it was creating with my brother. So, I thought at the very least we could take them to a nice dinner. Once again my brother says he won’t contribute even to that so I said if he won’t pay even for just himself (not asking him to pay for a portion of my parents at this point) then we will take them on our own. When I told my parents DH and I wanted to take them out just the two of us they said we can’t exclude my brother and they will pay for him if that’s the issue.

I just can’t get over how ridiculous my brother is being about all of this. How can he not be willing to spend $150 to pay for himself at a nice dinner for them? He claims he hates spending money on stuffy restaurants and that’s why he won’t do it, but come on, this is for your parents. And he has no trouble going out with friends when he feels like it.

So do we go to the anniversary dinner and I let my parents pay for him and DH and I pay for them?? I am sure as hell not paying for him, but it seems so awkward now.

You are the problem. You cannot afford any of this on your own and you are getting the intended recipient of your "gift" involved in paying the tab...basically you suck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could have written this post except it looks like this. I'm 40; brothers are 42 and 45 and sister is 49. All are broke. I was financially in a good place (except the high expense of child care for 2), until I got laid off. My parents' 50th is in October and they said they will make all the plans and manage the costs. I'm the only one likely to chip in because of said broke siblings who have no children or expenses and are currently employed. I feel you, OP.

No, you couldn't 'have written' OP's post because your siblings are broke and your own financial standing is somewhat shaky! In OP's situation, the brother is loaded and she's, obviously, also not hurting for money, it's just that she thinks her brother is being cheap.
And I agree with her, to a certain degree. It is cheap not to buy a $5 gift for a 3-year-old; and all of you, please, shut up about gifts being overrated. They might be, for an adult, but even the cheapest plastic piece of crap makes a preschooler's day; hence the ubiquitous goody bags at parties.
If my brother would show up at my children's birthday parties without a gift, I'd pretty upset, too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, spending money on other people and buying gifts is not his love language. Or the love language of many, many other people. Stop projecting what YOU want, onto him. Just because it means something to you and that's what you want, is not necessarily what other people value.

Does he do other things? Does help do things for others (that don't involve money)? Does he listen and engage with your kids? On things non-money related, is he quite kind?

Perfect response.

[Anonymous]

Many of these PP’s are triggered by the thought of spending money on their parents or nieces or nephews. Ignore them. Your brother is being a jerk.

Adjust your expectations and plan around his weirdness. Figure out how to let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you ever straight up asked him why he won't contribute? That's just f'ed up. I have dysfunction on both sides of our family, but it's a given that siblings are splitting the check if we are taking parents out to dinner.

Yeah. Wtf is his issue?

We have have family with money in the bank: they find it “fun to only live off their SS Income while accruing stocks, dividend s and rental income, plus appreciating assets. They try to make others pay for them, as part of their cheap game. So far they’ve gotten tons of meals, Disney paid for, houseguest lodging and even condo rentals for free by all sides of the family asking them if they want to go or join on a thing. They say no, make up some nonsensical excuse, and the game begins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does he need to buy gifts for your kids?

Otherwise, he's doing you a favor by being so clear. he does not want to pay for stuff for other people. Now you know, and you can make plans accordingly. Stop arguing with him about it, stop expecting him to pay, just accept that he's not paying. If you want to buy a gift for your parents or take them out to dinner or throw them a party, do that. If you all go out to eat, arrange for separate checks. I can see why you'd disagree with him, but getting frustrated with him is stupid--he's been quite clear about it, and he's not going to change. Stop expecting him to. Do what you want with your money, let him do what he wants with his. In some ways, this lets you off the hook for stuff--you don't need to buy him gifts, or treat him to meals, or anything else.

+1

OP, stop counting other people's money and deciding how they should spend it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does he need to buy gifts for your kids?

Otherwise, he's doing you a favor by being so clear. he does not want to pay for stuff for other people. Now you know, and you can make plans accordingly. Stop arguing with him about it, stop expecting him to pay, just accept that he's not paying. If you want to buy a gift for your parents or take them out to dinner or throw them a party, do that. If you all go out to eat, arrange for separate checks. I can see why you'd disagree with him, but getting frustrated with him is stupid--he's been quite clear about it, and he's not going to change. Stop expecting him to. Do what you want with your money, let him do what he wants with his. In some ways, this lets you off the hook for stuff--you don't need to buy him gifts, or treat him to meals, or anything else.

+1

OP, stop counting other people's money and deciding how they should spend it.

Agree in part, disagree in part.

Agree that you should just accept that your brother is a tightwad jacka**.

Disagree that OP should "drop it".

If OP's brother can't be even decently generous with his time or money, then he shouldn't be part of her family.

Cut the miserly bastard off and move on.